Stuck in Reverse

 “Irene, are you ready?” a smile that was used to make me feel comfort is now making me feel nauseous- anxious- it is the smile my mom used to give me when she wants me to know that she is proud- a typical motherly smile.

“Yes, mom” I tried my best to give her a sincere smile. It did not even last long for I remembered what I’m supposed to be ready with.

For, I was supposed to see Seulgi today for the last time.

///

“Bae Irene,” a monotone voice blared at the whole university causing the curious minded ones to stare at me, “Please proceed to the guidance office immediately.”

I was never the one to cause problem at our institution. Some of these students might even think that I could never hurt a fly. Hence, like an epidemic disease or a wild fire, the rumour spread within minutes.

The most common thing I heard on my way to the office was,

“What did Irene Bae do wrong?”

Reminiscing what I did within the whole week, even the whole month, it is still the same question on my mind.

What did I do wrong?

///

Truth be told, I did not do anything wrong.

But that’s the problem.

I had never done anything wrong.

That’s why they chose me to take care of someone.

I do know her. I do hear her name constantly. But in the constancy of hearing her name, I never heard anything positive about her.

Maybe I heard something about her being something between beautiful and hot.

As I sat on the chair adjacent to the heavily bruised girl, as curiosity filled my mind, I stared at her longer than necessary.

I was snapped back in reality when our guidance counsellor, Ms. Seo, called for my attention.

“Irene,” I turned to look at the lady who seemed not too older than we were, she had a rust-coloured hair. It did suit her because she had a pretty fair skin. “I would like you to meet Seulgi.”

The girl, Seulgi, did not even move an inch. She just continued to stare at the floor finding it more amusing than my hand asking for a simple handshake.

“Seulgi,” Ms. Seo called in her friendliest tone, “This is Irene.”

As if on cue, Seulgi turned her almond shaped eyes to mine.

Her eyes were so sharp that I thought it could actually cut me.

But maybe, just maybe, her eyes would be more beautiful if it was not bruised.

Out of mere curiosity, I suddenly asked her with my voice full of concern,

“What happened to you?”

I completely forgot that this was our first meeting.

“Why do you care?”

So, out of habit, I muttered a silent sorry while looking at my lap.

“I’m sorry about her, Irene,” Ms. Seo put a hand on my shoulder in a comforting manner. She sometimes reminds me of my own mother. “Will you please give as a moment?”

I nodded in response as I looked at Seulgi for the last time. As I was about to turn to my heels and leave the room, Ms. Seo called my name and informed me that we will be talking later so I decided to sit on the waiting area opposite to the guidance office.

Having nothing to do, I turned to look at the window near to where I sit. It had the view of the school’s garden.

I stared at the enormous tree too far from where I was but big enough to be seen.

It’s funny how something so big can look like as small as a person’s finger in a distance.

For what it seemed like an eternity, the office’s door opened with a distressed Seulgi coming out from it.

“Irene, come on in.”

As I re-entered the room, Mr. Seo asked me to sit where I was seated to a moment ago.

“I know you already heard countless of rumours about Seulgi,” I did hear countless of rumours about her, “But will you please befriend her?”

Befriend. What a strong word. She is asking me to be friends with someone who I do not know personally, someone who is always involved in a fight.

Someone who is a complete opposite of what I am.

But who could reject Ms. Seo’s request?

So, out of complete righteousness, I accepted her offer.

“Of course,” as if on cue, the image of Seulgi’s face flashed in my mind, “may I ask what happened to her?”

“She got into a fight, again.”

“Is this the reason why you are asking me to be friends with her?”

“Irene, you can see this as me making her your responsibility, but no, I’m asking you to somehow monitor her. Maybe she would stop being a rebellious teenager if you help her.”

“So you’re asking me to fix her?”

“Fix is a very big word, Irene. Truth be told, she is somehow broken. And maybe, you could be the one who can fix her.”

“I’ll try my best, Ms. Seo.” And for the second time that day, I left the office with Seulgi in my mind.

///

I did try my best to befriend her. Ms. Seo even changed my class schedule. Now we have three same subjects.

Maybe Ms. Seo even talked to some professors for they always “coincidentally” make us seatmates.

She is my seatmate, yes. But I never even felt her existence even once.

No, scratch that.

I remember her asking for a pen once.

That was our only conversation and interaction.

///

I was reviewing for our next class when a phone appeared right in front of my face.

I raised my head and to my surprise, it was Seulgi.

“Uhh... what?” she scoffed out loud like I was the dumbest person ever.

“Type it in.” Her voice was stern and firm, like she was threatening me.

“Type what in?”

“Your number.” Then she shoved it into my hands.

Carefully, I typed in my number and gave it back to her. When she was about to get her phone, her fingers accidentally brushed against mines.

Funny how someone so violent could have a hand softer than mines.

I did give her my number.

She did not need me to have hers.

///

Two weeks after she had my number, I did not expect her to call.

I did not even expect her to remember me.

It was way past midnight when she called.

“Bae Joohyun,” there was silence, then a sob.

“Seulgi-ah, did something happen?” no answer.

“Bae Joohyun,” she repeated my name, but this time it came out sounding more like a choke.

“Seulgi, what’s wrong?” silence again.

“Seul—“

“Bae Joohyun, I would like you to know that I was contemplating about my life and guess what?” a bitter chuckle, “I would like to end it right now.”

“Seulgi, where are you?” I was surprised that my voice sounded firm and stern, just like when she asked for my number.

“Nowhere?” a laugh on the other line was heard.

“Seul, seriously, where are you?” concern and curiosity is evident in my voice, maybe fear too?

“Seul is drunk!” She shouted at, somewhere, seemed like an open space.

“You’re what?!” I sat upright from my bed.

“I’m not drunk, Irene.” Then a laugh

“Where are you, Seulgi? Please...”

“I’m sorry, Hyun.” Silence again, then a sob.

“I’m somewhere near Han River.” Then she dropped the call.

The very first time she called me, she was on the verge of drowning herself in Han River.

///

After I hurriedly went to Han, I immediately saw Seulgi sulking in a corner.

I ran to her and I hu