Zhou Mi was antsy. He’d been pacing his bedroom all morning, the inside of his mouth was sore where he kept worrying his lip, and he looked at the picture on his phone every five seconds.

I’m not envious, I’m not envious, I’m not envious, I’m not sad.

He understood. Actually, he probably understood better than most. Their lifestyle was hard: the busy schedules, the strict security, and the simple fact that they couldn’t walk outside without drawing the attention of screaming fans. It made dating nearly impossible, and as they got older, it got harder. While their friends were getting married and starting families they were in the spotlight: singing, dancing—adored by many but loved by few.

It got lonely. They talked about it occasionally, but for the most part they didn’t want to bother the others with their loneliness. They all knew it, felt it, understood it. But talking about it made it all that much more real.

Which was why Kyuhyun’s public display of his feelings troubled him. Not only was he expressing this to his friends, but to their fans. It wasn’t something they were supposed to do. To the fans, their lives had to be perfect. They were idols. It was their job.

But as Zhou Mi paced, his fingernails digging into the palm of his hand, he knew that this wasn’t his only concern. The pit in his stomach told him he wasn’t just concerned for the wellbeing of his close friend and their band’s public status. This was much more personal and it was bringing up feelings he didn’t know he had.

As he looked at the picture of Kyuhyun he saw the sadness in his eyes. But in that light he realized just how handsome Kyuhyun really was. In the setting of that photograph he found Kyuhyun to be beautiful. It was a thought that had never crossed his mind before.

Zhou Mi stopped pacing as he heard the lock of their front door click and he heard Kyuhyun come in and kick off his shoes. He remained silent as he heard Kyuhyun close the door to his bedroom, his heart pounding in his chest. Any other time he would have given Kyuhyun time to unpack and relax after his trip, but he needed to go talk to him now. If he didn’t, he knew he wouldn’t have the courage to later.

Standing outside Kyuhyun’s door, he tried to calm his racing heart. He knocked at the door and Kyuhyun opened it right away.

“How was your trip?” he asked with a smile he knew didn’t look sincere.

“It was good. I finally got some rest,” Kyuhyun said as he stepped back into his room to let Zhou Mi in. Zhou Mi followed and took a seat on Kyuhyun’s bed as Kyuhyun went back to the suitcase he had been unpacking.

“That’s good,” Zhou Mi paused, wringing his hands in his lap. “Kui Xian is everything okay?

“Yeah, what do you mean?” Kyuhyun asked without turning to face him.

“I’m talking about your tweet. You looked really sad.”

At this, Kyuhyun turned around. The smile on his face didn’t reach his eyes and Zhou Mi knew that the next words out of his mouth were going to be a reassuring lie.

“It was just a picture. I was pretending. Everything’s fine, Mi,” Kyuhyun said and turned his back to Zhou Mi again.

Zhou Mi sat in silence for a minute as Kyuhyun continued to unpack. Then he took a deep breath and stood up, taking the few steps over to Kyuhyun. He put his hand on his shoulder, forcing him to turn around and look at him. Seeing the sadness in Kyuhyun’s eyes, Zhou Mi’s heart lurched in his throat. He wanted nothing more than to hold him tight and let him know that he was loved. They didn’t have to be alone. They had each other. But the new urge that squeezed Zhou Mi’s heart the tightest was the urge to kiss Kyuhyun.

“Are you sure, Kui Xian?” Zhou Mi whispered, trying to keep the tears from cracking his voice as he said Kyuhyun’s name.

Kyuhyun nodded and squeezed the hand that Zhou Mi had laid on his shoulder.

“I’ll be fine.”

Zhou Mi struggled to keep back the tears as Kyuhyun shrugged his hand off. All of the emotions that he had been keeping at bay that morning waiting for Kyuhyun to come home came rising up. He didn’t dare say anything for fear of giving himself away. Instead, he turned and hurried out of Kyuhyun’s room and back into his own, slamming the door behind him as he collapsed onto his bed and stifled a sob into his pillow.

He didn’t understand what was the matter with him. Kyuhyun and him had been close friends forever and he had never had these feelings. How many nights had they spent watching movies and eating the food their managers told them not to? How many recordings? How many concerts? It was like he had woken up that morning and suddenly Kyuhyun wasn’t Kyuhyun anymore. He was something more, something special.

Zhou Mi wasn’t sure how long he had been crying when he heard a knock on his door.

“Mi, can I come in?”

He didn’t answer or make a move. His door was unlocked and he knew Kyuhyun would come in. He always did.

A few moments later he heard the door creak and Kyuhyun’s tentative footsteps as he entered the dim room. Kyuhyun stood at the foot of his bed, not saying anything or reaching out for him. Eventually he rolled over onto his back, not bothering to try and hide his tear stained face.  Kyuhyun had seen him much worse off.

“What’s the matter?” Kyuhyun asked quietly, reaching for the tissues Zhou Mi kept on his dresser and handing him one.

He took it gratefully and pushed himself up so that he was sitting and facing Kyuhyun. He looked up at him and felt his throat close tight around his tears.

“I don’t have words,” he croaked.

“Okay,” Kyuhyun said, understanding what Zhou Mi meant. It was something that they had both said quite often when Zhou Mi’s Korean was still poor and Kyuhyun had just started learning Chinese. It was their way of letting the other know that they wanted to talk, but couldn’t explain what it is they were trying to say. Back then it usually resulted in an interesting game of charades as they tried to figure out simple words like ‘shower’ and ‘cook’. As they got better, it turned into trying to guess the other’s thoughts. But now Zhou Mi had the words, he just didn’t understand the feelings that came with them.

“Do you want to say it in Chinese?” Kyuhyun asked, offering him an out. They had done that too: allowing each other to vent even if they couldn’t be understood.

Zhou Mi shook his head and stood up so that he could look Kyuhyun in the eye. He gave him a sheepish smile and did the only thing he had wanted to do since that morning when he saw the picture. He pulled Kyuhyun into him and held onto him for dear life. He buried his face in the crook of Kyuhyun’s neck and breathed in the smell of him. His fingertips brushed the dip of Kyuhyun’s spine between his shoulder blades as he felt the softness of his shirt beneath his hands. Kyuhyun’s hands his back gently and Zhou Mi tried to hold onto his composure as Kyuhyun whispered to him in Chinese.

When Zhou Mi finally backed away slightly he held onto Kyuhyun with one hand and lifted the other to his cheek. He took a deep breath before he spoke, knowing that the words could destroy them instantly.

“I want to kiss you,” he said quietly.

The look in Kyuhyun’s eyes was shock, certainly, but he didn’t back away from him. He didn’t run screaming from the room and his hand still rested lightly on Zhou Mi’s waist. Zhou Mi leaned in slowly, waiting for him to react. But Kyuhyun didn’t move and as Zhou Mi’s lips met his he felt Kyuhyun’s hand tighten on his waist. In the brief moment after Zhou Mi pulled away Kyuhyun’s eyes were closed and his mouth was poised like he was expecting more. Then he snapped open his eyes and me Zhou Mi’s. There was a second of silence and then Kyuhyun was pulling him down to kiss him again. As their mouths melded their hands explored each other’s backs, memorizing the feel of one another. Kyuhyun pushed them back onto Zhou Mi’s bed and crawled on top of him. They kissed until they couldn’t breathe and when they parted they could only smile at one another and laugh.

“I didn’t…I’m so sorry, Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi muttered through his smile.

Kyuhyun only laughed harder and pressed a kiss to Zhou Mi’s lips, then to his cheek and down his jawline before he was on Zhou Mi’s collarbone. It was all Zhou Mi could do to choke back a moan.

Kyuhyun came back up and grinned at Zhou Mi.

“Do you have any idea how long I have been waiting for you to figure it out?”

“Figure what out?” Zhou Mi balked at him.

“The fact that I am in love with you,” Kyuhyun whispered and then placed a kiss on Zhou Mi’s lips again. “And the fact that you have the same kind of feelings for me too.”

Zhou Mi looked at him, dumbfounded.

“So you aren’t sad?”

Kyuhyun just laughed and snuggled down against Zhou Mi’s chest.

“No, Mi, I’m not sad. As long as you’re around, I’m not sad.”

Zhou Mi grinned and wrapped his arms around Kyuhyun, holding him tight. As Kyuhyun’s breathing evened out and he fell asleep, Zhou Mi’s head spun. He still didn’t have the words, and he certainly didn’t understand. Until that morning, he had never consciously thought of Kyuhyun as anything more than a good friend. Something had changed. Maybe it hadn’t happened overnight, but he still had a lot to figure out. In the meantime, with Kyuhyun pressed against his side and snoring away, he felt more at peace and content with his life than he had in a long time. That had to count for something.