“Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sign of God - and in the face of company - to join together this man and the floor—“

“Oh my goodness Jackson, this is not the time for your jokes,” Jinyoung cuts in, adding a slap to the head to emphasize the severity of the situation.

“What?” Jackson grumbles, rubbing the not-even-sore spot. “It’s not like I’m telling any lies, hey, Yugyeom basically even consummated the marriage. Bambambambam-” (“Did someone say my name? Oh, never mind.”) “-until JB hyung had to come and pull Yugyeommie away from his love.”

“And good for Jaebum, too. Lord knows what I would have done if the- Oh god, somebody get me some water,” Jinyoung moans, gripping his head. This child, I swear. “On second thought, also get me a stress ball.”

“Hey, hey,” Jaebum says, pulling Jinyoung to a stop. “Relax, we’ll discuss this and figure out where to go from there. I know this is shocking, but Yugyeommie is growing up. We have to be open and caring and…”

“Where is he,” Jinyoung demands. “We need to gather the whole family and have a discussion about appropriate behavior. Jackson, where are the others?”

“Uh, well Youngjae’s probably sleeping, Yugyeom’s probably practicing some more floor moves and Bambam’s probably watching.”

“KIM YUGYEOM GET YOUR IN HERE RIGHT NOW.” Jinyoung can’t hold back his anger at his more. His baby should not be doing such R rated dances. No, Yugyeom will always be a baby in his eyes. 

“Hey now, hey now (don’t dream it’s over).”

“WHAT,” Jinyoung roars, turning to Jackson. 

“Don’t be too harsh on Yugyeom. He’s just a kid, man. He’s a kid-man. He’s a kid trying to be a man. A kid-man,” Jackson defends, hands raised. “Also, please don’t hurt me, but you have to agree that was totally y.”

“Excuse me? What are you implying?” Jinyoung hisses. “I will not have you thinking dirty thoughts of our youngest. Our maknae. Speaking of maknae, KIM YUGYEOM!”

“Yes sir, yes sir, dancing machine now here now here?” Yugyeom shouts, sliding across the living room floor (not yet realizing the severity of the situation).

“OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING GET OFF THE FLOOR, YOU’LL GET IN TROUBLE!” Jackson wails, launching himself at Yugyeom. 

Yugyeom is thrown backwards by Jackson’s weight… Onto the floor. 

“Jackson Wang, what do you think you’re doing?”

“Sorry hyung, my bad. Yugyeom, get up. I’ll just sit down now, is that alright with you leader sir?”

Jaebum just shakes his head as Jackson pulls himself and Yugyeom down to the couch (also clamping a hand over his own mouth). 

At that moment, Mark sleepily walks out of his room. “What’s with the noise,” he groans, heading to the kitchen (only to be pulled back by Jinyoung). 

“Perfect timing, you sit, too. Jackson and Mark over there and Yugyeom over here,” Jinyoung decides. 

“Why me—”

“Sit.”

“Should I sit too?” Bambam pipes up. 

“No, you can… On second thought. Yes. I did not approve of your crazy antics in Bangkok,” Jinyoung decides. “Now that we’re all here—”

“Are we going to start discussing how proud we are of Yugyeom’s newfound skill?” Jackson pipes up. (He’s clearly not yet learned his lesson.)

“No—”

“But the fans loved it, you know. Really, really, really. Like Flarry but with Yugyeom not Harry,” Jackson insists “And more humping,” he adds after a moment of thought.

“And that’s exactly the problem. No more humping, it’s inappropriate,” Jaebum cuts in. Direct and to the point, what leader-like qualities.

“Chansung,” Mark states out of nowhere. 

“Uh, what does 2pm have to do with me?” Yugyeom questions. (He hasn’t really been following the conversation. Just the gist of it.)

“Nothing. I’m saying I agree with the no humping. You’re worse than Coco these days,” Mark puts out. 

Bambam gasps, “Did you just compare Yugyeom to a dog?” Sometime during the conversation he has made his way over to sit next to Yugyeom. It’s hard to tell if his hands are being inappropriate or not. 

“I think I’ve figured out the problem!” Jackson claims, leaping up. (And sitting back down at Jaebum’s order.) “Yugyeom’s retriever thing that’s going on is why he keeps humping things, like a dog!”

“No. It’s you and Mark’s fault for letting your erted views infect our dear Yugyeom. And Bambam, for encouraging him,” Jinyoung decides. 

“Wait a minute, are you blaming the foreigners for this mess? I cannot believe this! Just because we’re foreigners, you have no right to treat us this way!”

“So I’ve decided, from now on, there will be no more hip ing, shirt open, lip biting or anything ual,” Jinyoung continues, ignoring the menace, “Thank the lord JYP for allowing us a cute and innocent concept that you can’t ruin with your erted ways. And I ensured your pelvic movements couldn’t interrupt our performances by creating the choreography myself.”

“I thought you did that for the team, not for your cruel and unusual punishments!” Jackson complains. “Whatever. I can be cute.”

“No, you can’t,” Mark laughs. “I can,” he pouts.

“Of course you can, Mark. Now, I’ll be posting these rules on our fridge, and I expect you to uphold them. We must keep our pure and innocent boyfriend-idol images intact,” Jinyoung finishes. The rules have already been taped to the fridge and Jinyoung is in his room by the time the members think of their complaints.

“You can’t do this to us! What about our fans, they love when we’re y! Hyung, please!” Bambam whines, turning to Jaebum, who has been mostly silent the whole time. (He might have been sleeping, but it’s hard to tell with those eyes and bangs combo.)

There’s a pause, before Jaebum dismisses them. “It’s for the best.”

A few weeks pass into promotions, when Jinyoung calls for yet another meeting. They take their same positions as before, Mark and Jackson on one side, Bambam and Yugyeom on the other, and Jaebum and Jinyoung facing them. 

“Hold on. Why doesn’t Youngjae hyung ever come to these meetings? It’s really not fair, is it?” Yugyeom complains. (Nobody should get special privileges. Except the maknae. Because the youngest is the cutest.)

“Because Youngjae is innocent, unlike you. I really am ashamed,” Jinyoung says, staring him down. 

“What? What did I do?” Yugyeom defends. 

“You’re being put on probation.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong!”

“You floor humped. Again. And, in front of Amber noona! Yugyeom, she’s family! You can’t do that kind of thing!”