I Don't Want to Lose Myself
But I Don't Want to Ruin Myself Anymore

“Come out with me, Jongdae,” He heard Wonshik whine through the speaker on his phone. He looked to the device as it sat on top of his nightstand, telling himself that he didn’t have enough energy to pick it up as the reason he had selected the speaker option.

“Are you ever going to learn the meaning of the word no?” He asked, not sure if Wonshik could understand him with how the pillow muffled his question. He heard Wonshik sigh and he shifted, draping an arm over his pillow, hugging it to his chest and taking a deep breath through his nose; Baekhyun’s scent filled his sense.

“You can’t keep yourself locked in your room forever.”

“I don’t. I go to class.”

“When your meds don’t make you sleep through them.”

“It’s not like you to stay awake in class either,” Jongdae bit, silencing Wonshik for a moment.

“Just come out this one time, and I swear I will never ask you to come out again.” Jongdae huffed, hugging the pillow closer to his chest.

“If you break that oath, I’ll kick your ,” He grumbled, sure he could hear Wonshik smile.

“Deal. I’ll swing by around eight.”


Wonshik burst through his door half an hour earlier with a smile that faded when he saw Jongdae sitting on the bed.

“What are you wearing?” He asked, the brunet tugging up the collar of the gray turtle neck he wore.

“It’s cold outside.”

“If you go clubbing in that, you’re going to die of heat exhaustion,” Wonshik stated, padding over to dig through Jongdae’s dresser. He pulled out a black tank top, looking back at the pout on Jongdae’s face, throwing the shirt at him. “At least put that on under your sweater so you can strip without walking around shirtless and getting kicked out,” He  ordered, Jongdae grumbling as he did as he was told. He barely got his head back through the neck of his turtle neck before Wonshik threw a pair of jeans at him. “Sweatpants are not club pants,” Wonshik reasoned, ignoring the scowl on Jongdae’s face. He huffed a sigh, shucking off his sweat pants and into the jeans that felt too tight compared to the sweats he had been wearing for the last few weeks.

“Happy?” Jongdae asked and Wonshik crossed his arms over his chest to look him over.

“It’ll work,” He said in a playful tone, dodging the balled up sweats that Jongdae threw at him in response. “Come on,” He said, pulling Jongdae from him bed, closing the door to his room as they exited.

“I’m glad to see you got him out of his bed,” Jongdae’s mother said, smiling at the pair as Jongdae pulled his collar up so that it covered his chin.

“We’ll probably just head back to my house after the movie,” Wonshik said and Jongdae’s mother nodded.

“Keep him as long as you would like. He could use the social integration,” She added, making her way into the kitchen as the pair left.

“You told her we were going to see a movie?” Jongdae asked, opening the passenger door of Wonshik’s car.

“Do you think she would have let you go to a club?”

“Point taken.”


The club was suffocating from all the people trapped between each other, the music that blasted through the speakers, the bass that resonated in his chest as if trying to force the air from his lungs. He held the collar of his sweater over his mouth, his shoulders hunched from his elbows being propped at the bar of the club, as he was scowling at the counter. He had only agreed so that Wonshik would never ask again; he looked to his left where the light blue haired male was getting a lap dace from a red head with big doe eyes, meeting Wonshik’s smile with one of his own as a dimple poked into his cheek.

Jongdae took the deepest breath that he could, looking back down at the counter, closing his eyes. He jumped when he felt hands snake up under his sweater and he turned to smack the owner, a hand catching his wrist. He looked to see Wonshik has stopped him, the hands up his shirt belonging to the red head that had been in Wonshik’s lap moments earlier.

“Easy Jongdae. Hongbin just said that you looked hot,” Wonshik said over the music. “He wanted to help you out with that before he took you to the dance floor.”

“I agreed to come out, not do anything else,” Jongdae argued and Hongbin pouted, the dimple that poked into his chin making him look almost pitiful.

“Just one song?” He pleaded, resting a hand on Jongdae’s knee before he slid it up the brunet’s thigh. Jongdae stared at him for a few moments, and then swallowed hard as Hongbin tilted his head down to look at him through his lashes.

“…One song,” Jongdae said stiffly, Hongbin’s eyes lighting up as hand hands latched onto Jongdae’s swatter, tanking it up off over the brunet’s head. Hongbin tossed it to Wonshik who set it on the bar along with his own leather over jacket, and grabbed a hold of Jongdae’s wrist, dragging him to the dance floor.

“Warning, I don’t know how to dance to this kind of music,” Jongdae called over the music and Hongbin hooked his thumbs through the loops of his belt, swaying their hips together from side to side.

“Just follow the beat. Let the music take care of you, and you’ll get the hang of it in no time,” He replied, rocking his hips forward against Jongdae’s between hip sways, laughing at how Jongdae obviously didn’t know what to do with his hands.

Hongbin moved his hands to Jongdae’s chest, sliding them down Jongdae’s torso as he dropped to the ground in front of him, turning so that when he stood back up he could grind back against the brunet with his . He moved his arm back so he could hook it around Jongdae’s neck and Jongdae saw Wonshik make his way over to them, a dark look in his eyes as he his lips. Jongdae met the gaze with a scowl before he placed his hands on Hongbin’s hips and pushed him towards Wonshik.

“I don’t want to dance with someone if you’re just going to undress them with your eyes.” He said, watching Hongbin pretend to stumble so Wonshik would come closer to catch him. He watched Hongbin hook his arms around Wonshik’s neck and the blue haired male move his hands down to Hongbin’s hips.

The beat of the song changed and Jongdae tried to focus on it, closing his eyes. He started swaying his hips meeting every third beat, occasionally opening his eyes to look around at the pairs and trios dancing and grinding against each other, and he felt himself tense. This didn’t suit him, he didn’t belong here. He looked back towards the bar and debated if he could get to his sweater before Wonshik tried to stop him, when he felt a pair of hands grab onto his hips. He looked back, expecting to see Hongbin again, but he was met with an even more unfamiliar face, his hips stilling.

“Are you taken?” The stranger asked and Jongdae stared at him for a moment before he shook his head. “Can I have a dance?” He asked and Jongdae almost shook his head again, but the stranger tightened his grip on Jongdae’s hips and it sent an odd shiver through him and he gave a nod instead. The stranger smiled, pressing his chest up against Jongdae’s back, his lips brushing Jongdae’s ear. “I’m Minseok,” He purred into Jongdae’s ear before placing a kiss behind it, sending another shiver through the brunet.

“J-Jongdae,” He stammered in response, feeling Minseok’s thumb slip under his tank top, massaging his hip.

“You’re fine, there’s no need to be so nervous,” Minseok cooed, kissing the shell of Jongdae’s ear as Jongdae shut his eyes tightly, swallowing hard. “I’ll only bite if you want me to,” He added, and Jongdae was pretty sure the chuckle that escaped the light brown haired male was because he could feel Jongdae shiver again.

“B-bite where?” He asked, Minseok pulling their hips closer and leading Jongdae’s hips back to sway to the beat.

“Wherever you want me to. I would suggest your lovely collar bones,” Minseok mused, moving to brush his lips over the area. “They’re so pretty, I almost can’t help myself,” He continued, placing a kiss against the juncture between Jongdae’s collar bone and neck. Jongdae felt his face start to burn, taking a deep breath as he tried to convince himself it was just from the heart rolling off the sweaty bodies around them.

“You-” His voice caught in his throat when he felt something warm and wet trail along the juncture and he heard the other murmur ‘hmm?’ in response. He opened his eyes, looking down at where Minseok was massaging the crease of his collarbone with his tongue. “I w-won’t stop you…” He said, receiving a slow blink as Minseok paused the action, then slid his tongue back into his mouth. “I mean… You can,” Jongdae corrected, a voice in his head practically screaming what are you thinking? Before he felt a light nip at the skin that had been under Minseok’s tongue. He relaxed ever so slightly back against the other, receiving another small nip.

Minseok moved one of his hands over the button of Jongdae’s pants and the brunet had a moment of panic that the other was going to try to his pants or shove his hand down them. The feeling eased when Minseok instead pressed his hand against Jongdae’s pelvis to push Jongdae’s hips more so into his own and he peppered kisses and nips all over the exposed skin of Jongdae’s neck and shoulder.

Jongdae opened his eyes, seeing Wonshik arching an eyebrow at and smirking at him, and he stuck his tongue out at the other. The taunt response didn’t last long as he felt Minseok’s teeth sink into the base of his neck, his breath catching in his throat; he probably wouldn’t have noticed the jerk forward that his hips made if it wasn’t for how Minseok now had a grip on his crotch, giving a small squeeze and Jongdae rutted into it. Minseok dragged his teeth back, and Jongdae was almost as embarrassed by how he was already panting lightly as he was that he had to focus on not continuing to rock into the others hand.

“Did that feel nice?” He was amazed he could hear Minseok clearly over the roar of blood in his ears since it was managing to drown out the music blasting around them. “You’re getting hard already, should we get out of here?” He asked and Jongdae felt like he took longer than necessary to nod feverishly.

“I… I need to tell my friend,” Jongdae said, amazed with how even his voice was and Minseok released his crotch, keeping his other hand on the brunet’s hip. Minseok kept close, tightening his grip when people got close to Jongdae as they made their way back to the bar. Jongdae grabbed his sweater from beside the blue haired male, who had Hongbin grinding down in his lap as he sat in it. He swatted at Wonshik’s arm.

“I’m leaving,” He called over the music, Wonshik giving him a thumbs up before placing his hand back on the red haired male’s hip, not even breaking the kiss to look at Jongdae. He squinted a little at the pair, the rational part of him opening his mouth to ask Wonshik if he even cared that his friend was going to go home with a stranger, but it was silenced when he felt Minseok’s thumb over his hip bone again, and he looked to Minseok allowing him to lead him from the club.

Minseok opened the passenger door for him and Jongdae slid in, reaching for the safety belt when Minseok caught his chin with his forefinger and thumb. Jongdae looked up at the other who was smiling so gently at him that his breath caught in his throat and he was scared to move. Minseok trailed his forefinger up, brushing it against Jongdae’s cheek bone, the rest of his fingers curling around his cheek and his thumb brushed against Jongdae’s lower lip. Minseok slid the digit in and Jongdae parted his lips as his cheeks burned.

Minseok’s eyes darkened a little, which contrasted with the gentle smile still painted on his lips, and he leaned down. He moved his thumb from the other’s lips to his cheek, brushing his lips against Jongdae’s. The brunet shut his eyes tightly, pulling back slightly and after a moment Minseok did as well, their lips barely ghosting against each other’s. Jongdae forced his eyes open, Minseok’s own intently watching his face and Jongdae looked down and out the corner of his eye after their eyes met.

Jongdae hesitated for a moment, and when he thought that Minseok was going to pull the rest of the way away he pressed back against the other’s lips. He felt Minseok smile, kissing back and parting his lips to run his tongue along Jongdae’s lower lip. The brunet parted his lips and Minseok pulled back, cooing at the whine that escaped Jongdae. He the other’s cheek with his thumb, and then pulled his hand back, closing the door and making his way around the car to situate himself in the driver’s seat.

“You’re so shy, it’s quite cute,” Minseok said, starting the car. Jongdae looked down at his lap, fidgeting with the sweater in his hands.

“I’ve never done something like this…. And I think I’ve only kissed one person that wasn’t for a dare,” He added, feeling Minseok’s eyes on his for a moment.

“How old are you, kid?”

“Seventeen,” Jongdae replied, cringing at the silence that followed. “How old are you?” He asked in return when he found his voice.

“Nineteen.”

“I’m not that much of a kid compared to you,” Jongdae pouted, looking to Minseok whose tight expression relaxed.

“Your age doesn’t make you a kid,” He started, eyes flickering over to Jongdae before back to the road. “Your experience does,” he finished, his teeth finding their way into his lower lip.

“Does it… make you change your mind?” Jongdae asked hesitantly. He wanted more of the other, anything from the of his cheek to him letting Jongdae rut into his hand, he didn’t care. He wanted to feel his stomach lift from how were it had fallen these last few weeks, and he found that in Minseok’s touch.

“As long as you’re sure this is something you want to do, my mind hasn’t changed. Your consent is what is most important.” Minseok stated and Jongdae felt his shoulders relax.

“I like… the feeling,” Jongdae started, feeling his cheeks begin to burn again. “Biting never… sounded like something that would be enjoyable but…”

“You seemed to enjoy it quite a bit. I can only imagine how sensitive you are if you were rutting into my hand from something so simple.” Minseok stopped the car, putting it into park and Jongdae finally looked up and around, then to Minseok when he heard him unbuckling his safety belt. Jongdae unbuckled his own, getting out of the car and looking at the apartment complex Minseok had parked in front of him. Minseok was at his side again, looping an arm around to hold onto his hip, leading his up the stairs to the second level. He unlocked one of the doors, gesturing for Jongdae to enter first.

Minseok closed the door behind them, watching Jongdae look around the apartment as he slid out of his shoes. The brunet jumped a little when Minseok took hold of his hips, kissing up his neck while Jongdae pulled at the fabric of the sweater still in his hands. When Minseok nipped at the base of Jongdae's neck, the younger's own teeth found their way into his lower lip to stifle a gasp, and Minseok pulled Jongdae's tank top up just over his navel, rubbing circles over his hips.

"No one else is here,” He murmured against Jongdae's skin. "I wanna hear you now that we're alone," He purred, his thumb nails biting into Jongdae's hips, choking a small moan from him. "I bet you're loud," He added, Jongdae's cheeks burning.

"I-I wouldn't know," Jongdae stammered, and Minseok turned him around to face him. He reached down, sliding his hands back and around the other's thighs, pulling him up and pinning him to the wall, smiling at how Jongdae automatically wrapped his legs around his waist.

"How about we find out?" Minseok asked, sliding his hands around to the small of Jongdae’s back, pulling him back from the wall, and Jongdae wrapped his arms around Minseok’s neck as the older carried him through the apartment. Minseok nudged his door open with his foot when they came to it and all but dropped Jongdae on his back onto the bed, following after to pin him to the mattress. Jongdae’s eyes were wider now, and Minseok could see how he shied away, trying to press back further into the mattress.

“Hey,” Minseok said softly, pulling back so he wasn’t touching the other at all, save for the finger tips that he trailed over the other’s cheek. “You’re alright. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do,” He soothed, and the apprehension in Jongdae’s eyes faded slowly. “Don’t worry, kid, I’ll take good care of you,” he said before leaning down for a kiss.



Jongdae’s eyes opened slowly, closing again as he became aware of how heavy his body felt. He shifted a little, wincing at a sting in his lower back and he opened his eyes again. He was lying on his stomach, in an unfamiliar bed and he rolled onto his back, looking around the room. Memories from the night before flooded his memory, a small smile crossing his lips as a warm feeling filled his stomach. He sat up, wincing a little and finding his sweater on the floor beside the bed, pulling it on and forgoing his jeans for the moment. Minseok had gotten a good view of him the night before, so walking around in his boxers and sweater wasn’t something he would classify as scandalous.

He slid off the bed, padding his way to the closed bedroom door, opening it and peeking around the clean apartment as the scent of coffee filled the air. He left the door open as he stepped out of the bedroom, following the smell to find Minseok sitting at a table in his kitchen, raising a mug to his lips. Jongdae’s smile widened a little and he sat beside the other, cuddling into Minseok’s side, receiving an arched eyebrow in response as Minseok lowered his coffee mug to rest on the table.

“What are you doing, kid?” Minseok asked and Jongdae looked up at him, his smile fading a little at the question.

“In the movies… people would always cuddle after ,” Jongdae replied, his smile returning in a sheepish manner. “But I fell asleep right after last night, so I thought we could cuddle now.” Minseok winced a little, before he offered a smile that made him look awkward, if not uncomfortable.

“Listen kid, this isn’t like in the movies.” Jongdae’s smile turned to a frown, his eyebrows knitting together.

“I… don’t understand.” He stated and Minseok took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

“Last night was fun, but I think there was some miscommunication. What happened is all there is. I’m not going to ask for your mobile number, I’m not going to start seeing you and spending every weekend with you. There won’t be kisses, or hand holding, and I won’t ask you to stay the night again.” Minseok said, Jongdae pulling away from where he had tucked himself into the other’s side. “This was just about . Do you understand?” He asked and Jongdae stared at him, feeling his face drain of all color, his stomach falling back into the pit that was becoming its new home.

“I… I think…” His voice cut out as a lump formed in his throat and Minseok sighed.

“Kid, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were going to get attached like this. If I did, I wouldn’t have,” He trailed off as tears laced Jongdae’s eyes, and he reached out towards the brunet. “Kid-”

“Stop calling me a kid!” Jongdae demanded, his voice cracking a little at the end as he jerked back from the other’s outstretched hand. “I’m not a child, I-I know I couldn’t do much last night, but I didn’t know anything. I know things now, I have some experience!” Minseok watched him, reaching out to touch Jongdae’s cheek as a tear trailed down it.

“I’m using it as a term of endearment, I’m not trying to offend you, or claim that you’re a child. You did so much better last night than some people I’ve slept with who did have experience.” Minseok pulled his hand back when Jongdae smacked it away, standing from the table and taking a couple steps back from him.

“If you think comparing me to who knows how many people you’ve slept with is going to make any of this better, you’re ing wrong!” His knees were starting to shake, his hands balling into fists. “I…” He felt a couple tears drip from his chin, his breathing starting to pick up. “I can learn. I can get better, I-I’ll do research…” his shoulders started to shake and Minseok stood, stepping towards him. Every step the light brown haired male too towards him, Jongdae took one back until he backed into a wall. Minseok wrapped his arms around Jongdae, who pressed his face into Minseok’s shoulder rather than choose to pull away. “You made me f-feel better… You made me feel something that wasn’t painful or n-numb… I don’t want to let that go,” He whimpered and Minseok pet the back of his head. Jongdae’s heart was pounding so loudly in his ears as the older took his time thinking of what he was going to say in response that he was sure Minseok could hear it as well.

“So it’s the you’re looking for?” He asked, and the thought made Jongdae feel dirty. “What I mean is, are you looking for someone to be your partner? Someone who commits themselves to you and only you, while you do the same for them, and strives to help you become a better person,” Minseok explained. “Because that’s not something I can give to you. But if you’re just looking for someone to hold you, make you feel a high that makes you forget, that I can give you.” Jongdae sniffled, pulling his face back from the other’s shoulder to look up at him.

“But I don’t know if I’ll always be available to give that to you, just as I’m sure you won’t be able to drop whatever you’re doing to meet me when I want to satisfy my own need.” Minseok watched Jongdae’s face for any sign of what the brunet was thinking as he spoke. “So if we do this, you can’t lose your temper like you just did, even if I go out and bed a dozen others. Is that clear?” He asked, Jongdae making no indication that he was going to reply. “In return, I will have no say in how many people you take to bed, and you’re not required to tell me about any of it,” He took a slow breath, noting how Jongdae’s tears seemed to have stopped.

“Will you still…” Jongdae tried to look down but Minseok caught his chin and forced the younger to keep eye contact.

“Will I still, what?”

“Will you,” Jongdae swallowed hard, shifting uncomfortably in Minseok’s grasp. “Will you make the bad feelings go away… Like you did last night?” He asked and Minseok’s smile returned to his eyes.

“As long as you follow the rules, I’ll make you feel only the things you want.”
 

Minseok kept his word and the dysfunctional relationship worked as both sides wanted it to. That was, until a month later Jongdae had found the older with his tongue down someone else’s throat, and the brunet lost his temper despite Minseok trying to explain that he was doing just as he said he would, and that they weren’t exclusive once he had dragged Jongdae to his apartment from the club they had ran into at.
 

“Kid, you agreed to this. We went over everything dozens of times, most recently three days ago,” Minseok stated firmly, stepping after Jongdae who refused to stand still in the living room.

“I thought you meant it would only come to you ing someone else if I wasn’t able to meet up with you!” Jongdae almost screamed, Minseok’s own temper rising. “I’ve tried every new thing that you’ve suggested, even things that left me shaking and crying, things that terrified me! I don’t understand why you won’t just say you love me and be with me only!”

“That’s the thing, kid, and I don’t know how to get it into your head. I. Don’t. Love. You.” Minseok stated the words clearly and precisely, the other stopping his movements around the room as he stared at Minseok. “Why is that so hard for you to understand?” He asked, taking an experimental step towards Jongdae, who appeared to be stuttering on Minseok’s words.

“You don’t…”

“No, kid. For the last time, I don’t love you. This has just been about , and I’m getting tired of drilling that into your head. This has only been about satisfying my need, and your want to only feel high without going back to your medication.”

Jongdae stared at the other, sure that he could feel something inside his mind snap.