Jongin doesn’t remember how many times he’s though of this, but he always believed Sehun was beautiful- just absolutely breath-taking. Even now as the sun sets, wrapping their town in its warm embrace, casting orange hues, the gentle breeze playing with soft blond locks. It was like every waking moment, every passing second, Sehun only continued to grow more beautiful in his eyes.

His steps falter as he watched the younger male swinging his legs slightly as it dangled over the edge, his eyes downcast, brows slightly furrowed in thought. Jongin reconsiders stepping further. He wasn’t ready for this type of confrontation. He wasn’t ready to admit his feelings. Not yet. But before he could even think of making a run for it, Sehun turns to him, as if sensing his presence.

“Hey.”

There’s a terrible ache in his chest, his heartbeat stuttering as he sees the soft smile the blond gave. Jongin finds himself returning the gesture with the slight upturn of his own lips, taking a short moment before taking hesitant steps towards Sehun, taking his place beside the other male. There’s a moment of silence, a sudden rush of wind, and Jongin can hear the soft thump of Sehun’s sneakers against the concrete. The tanned male heaves a soft sigh, leaning down, elbows against his thighs, his face against his palms, heart racing and his mind going into a frenzy.

“So…” Of course it’s Sehun who breaks the bout of silence. Jongin doesn’t move a muscle as he hears him exhale. “It’s been a while since we‘ve been here, huh?”

Jongin doesn’t answer, only heaving another sigh, causing the smile on Sehun’s lips to falter, and yet he only tries again to initiate conversation. “Do you remember the first time we met?”

That was a silly question- of course Jongin remembered, each detail still fresh on his mind despite the years that had passed by. It’s been six years, Jongin recalls, since he first met Sehun on the very wall they perched on. He remembers thinking how beautiful the boy looked, even with tears streaming down his pale cheeks and his world crumbling with each passing second. They were only at the tender age of twelve.

“I remember.” Jongin quietly responds, lifting his head from his hands and keeping his gaze straight, afraid that if he’d look at the boy beside him, he’d come apart.

“We were so young then.” Sehun breathes out a laugh and Jongin gnaws on his lip- a nervous habit he has never gotten over, “I was depressed, dad just died, mom was falling apart—“

“What do you want, Sehun?”He cuts him off, already feeling the fragile thread that held his world together starting to break. “Is this about last night? Are you mad? Are you going to tell me how disgusting I am?”

His words are met with stunned silence and he spares the younger male a glance, sharply taking a breath when he sees Sehun looking straight at him, his face illuminated by the moonlight and the city lights. It makes it so much harder, Jongin thinks, to forget about the feelings he had for his best friend.

“You know that’s not it.” It hurts, the sincerity, the love Sehun gave him. Rather than easing his troubles, it only hurts him more, cutting deeper and deeper because he knows it’s not the same, it’s not enough, it’s not what he wants. “Jongin, you’re my best friend, I accept you for who you are—“

“Please don’t give me that crappy ‘I accept you for who you are’ speech.” Jongin looks away, unable to bear the intensity of Sehun’s piercing gaze. “I’ve heard it enough to last a lifetime.”

“Then what am I supposed to say, Jongin?” He wished Sehun would stop saying his name. It only contributed to the torment, the inner war he had—one that he was losing.

“Can we just forget it? Jesus, I was drunk, Sehun.” It’s a pathetic attempt because he knows that he can’t undo what’s been done, that he can’t take back words already said or turn back time. “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“If not now then when?” He hates how calm Sehun is about this, how relaxed he was, like Jongin hadn’t blurted out his feelings for him just last night, or like  Jongin hadn’t kissed him after taking him home. “You once said yourself—You can’t keep your feelings bottled up. In the end, you’ll only destroy yourself.