00.

 
It’s a beautiful day when the clock flashes back in time in the little café past noontime as the sunlight begins to fade. 
 
It feels like time has stopped as Kyungsoo’s eyes widen at the tan figure smiling at him from across the vintage cafe and he notices that the feeling is all too familiar, the nauseating feeling of anxiety.
 
 
Kyungsoo suddenly feels faint and his head dizzy as the background noise becomes abruptly too quiet, the silence becomes unsuspectingly suffocating and his head is spinning, spinning and reminiscing back to those memories buried away securely in the bottom of his heart.
 
 
It’s been too long. 
 
Four years too long. 
 
 
Jongin flashes a bright smile with his pearly white teeth that makes Kyungsoo’s stomach churns as he walks up to the still shocked boy and pulls out the opposite chair. Kyungsoo sits frozen and forgets how to breathe, his cup of coffee sits untouched as the slit sunlight gleams through the window blinds.
 
 
 
 
 
04.
 
The practice room’s door peered open as a pair of wide curious eyes peeked itself in, slightly startled by the loud rhythm and strong beats too blaring and forceful for his liking.
 
Kyungsoo scraped his feet as he turned himself around to leave but caught sight of something else unexpectedly.
 
 
It was a boy. 
 
A tall, tan and beautiful boy. The way he danced radiated passion and Kyungsoo stood still, feeling as if somebody had out his soul and hypnotised him on the spot.
 
 
The music stopped in a heartbeat and Kyungsoo jerked backwards. 
 
‘Can I help you?’ The boy turned around with his eyebrows knitted in curiosity as his eyes wondered and took in the shape of an awkward small boy standing out of place by the doorway. 
 
‘Oh– I,’ Kyungsoo quickly straighten up and avoided the stranger’s questioning eyes, ‘I was just looking around, please uh, continue.’ He scratched his head nervously and voice cracked from agitation as those deep brown eyes continued to stare. 
 
‘Are you here for the practice room?’ The boy said again swiftly and trudged to grab his things laying carelessly on the wooden floor— a Nike water bottle that’s half empty, a wrinkled jacket and a black MP3 player. ‘Sorry I was taking too long.’
 
‘Ah, no, no,’ Kyungsoo waved his hands and shook his head at the same time as a faint blush covered his cheeks, ‘I don’t do dance, I’m a singing major.’
 
‘Oh?’ The boy’s eyes lightened in sparked interest. ‘I’m Jongin.’
 
‘Kyungsoo.’ He smiled back hesitantly. 
 
And for that moment, Kyungsoo felt as if the steps became a little lighter and the day became a little warmer. 
 
 
 
 
 
00.
 
‘Kyungsoo!’ Jongin quips cheerfully while making himself comfortable in the tiny chair, eyes squinting slightly at the sharp sunray that the curtain has failed to cover. ‘It’s been a while.’
 
‘It has.’ Kyungsoo nods carefully while letting his eyes wonder to Jongin’s full lips and silky brown hair, shiny eyes and balanced figure while his mind absorbs the fact that Jongin— Jongin, is actually here. I missed you. ‘How did you know I was here?’
 
‘You always come here.’ Jongin smiles knowingly, full lips twitch into a breath-taking smile. ‘How have you been?’ 
 
‘Fairly good.’ Pretty without you. Kyungsoo ignored the first part of the comment and wills his headache away. ‘What about you?’
 
Jongin nods, fixing the collars of his t-shirt and Kyungsoo vaguely remembers that small habit. ‘I’m doing great! I can actually do dancing as a job! How great is that?’
 
‘That’s great Jongin,’ Kyungsoo responds half heartedly and takes a long sip from his cold cup of cappuccino, better than I am. 
 
‘We haven’t seen each other for ages,’ Jongin points out as he takes notice of Kyungsoo’s obvious lack of enthusiasm, brilliant smile slowly leaving his handsome face, ‘What’s wrong Soo?’
 
Soo. The nickname echoes in Kyungsoo’s head like a broken record repeated too many times it’s lost its meaning. He swallows hard at the cold coffee in his mouth and wrinkles at its bitter taste.
 
‘Nothing,’ He manages a weak smile. I just didn’t expect you to show up after 4 years acting like everything is okay. ‘Just a little surprised, that’s all.’ He chokes out, chest feeling a little suffocated even though the window is open and the air is fresh.
 
‘I see.’ Jongin doesn’t push. Kyungsoo doesn’t know if he’s thankful or not. ‘Anyway, I have good news.’
 
Kyungsoo fakes an excited smile, one that’s too forced and rigid to be genuine. ‘What is it?’
 
Jongin takes a deep breath before letting out a satisfying sigh, ‘Well, I’m back in Korea for good now, my job is here.’
 
‘Ah–’
 
‘And I’ve already rented an apartment and my things are coming soon, I was thinking we– hey, what’s wrong?’ Jongin’s face drops and the atmosphere turns acid sour.
 
Kyungsoo fights back the tears threaten to spill before grinding out, ‘What do you think?’
 
‘But I’m back for good now,’ Jongin’s smile disappears as he desperately tries to read Kyungsoo’s eyes but fails because there are too many emotions that Jongin can’t seem to comprehend. ‘I’m not going to leave and we can start again.’
 
‘Again?’ Kyungsoo spits out sharply and blinks back the sting in his eyes, breath heavy as if he’s been running, running away from his heart. 
 
‘Kyungsoo, I–’
 
‘You left for 4 years barely even bother contacting me and now you show up and want to start again?’ Kyungsoo is visibly shaking now, grip tightens around the ceramic coffee cup as if willing it to break and Jongin’s heart too, is breaking along with it. ‘Jongin, we both agreed this wasn’t going to work.’
 
Jongin feels his heart snapping in half and Kyungsoo heart’s too, tightens to the point it hurts. He looks away from Jongin’s wrecking glance knowing too well that the last 4 years has done nothing to make him love Jongin any less.
 
The silence hovers them for an uncomfortably long time and words hang heavily in the air unsaid.
 
‘Let’s just be friends.’ Jongin says at last, knuckles clutch tightly onto one another as his eyes begin to turn glassy.
 
 
Kyungsoo can’t bring himself to say no so he nods in weakly in agreement before excusing himself to leave as tears begin to fall by heavy droplets down his cheeks.
 
 
 
 
 
04.
 
‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ Kyungsoo asked as they met up again after school, body limp and exhausted.
 
‘A dancer of course.’ Jongin answered instantly and broke into a stretched grin, one that got Kyungsoo’s ears to turn slightly red. ‘You?’
 
‘Hmm,’ Kyungsoo scrunched his eyebrows in thought. ‘I would like to be a singer, but we all know that’s a little unrealistic.’ He chuckled, a little embarrassed and Jongin thought Kyungsoo’s laugh sounds like all the happiness in the world that he can listen to forever. 
 
‘What are you talking about?’ Jongin poked the side of Kyungsoo’s arm in disbelieve. ‘You’re amazing! You’re over qualified to be a singer.’ 
 
Kyungsoo blushed madly over the compliment and faced the wall to hide his rosy cheeks, subtly changing the subject. ‘Let’s go to the library Jongin, we need to study hard if we want to be together in university.’
 
Jongin pouted, obviously wasn’t satisfied with his best friend’s answer but he huffed in response and stood up, taking out his left hand and offered it to Kyungsoo, who was still lazily sprawled on the hard floor. 
 
Jongin felt the warm touch of Kyungsoo’s hand and glanced down at the floor to hide his crimson face, while thinking about how perfectly that hand fitted inside his. 
 
 
 
 
 
00.
 
It’s a sunny Saturday afternoon when Kyungsoo decides to take a trip back to memory lane to the run down school that had closed two years ago with its thickening smell of rotting wood and distinguished passion. 
 
The floor creaks in his walk and Kyungsoo feels at home. There’s a sense of longing and dread settle in the pit of his stomach and a touch of hope that’s lost its way. 
 
 
His path draws him into the practice room unconsciously and Kyungsoo curses in the dark, mind too occupied and feet to slow to catch the figure, who at the same time turns around and their eyes meet.
 
‘Oh–’ 
 
He is mirrored back by silence, Jongin gaping at him in surprised.
 
‘Sorry, uhm, I was just dropping by.’ He says again, million of thoughts flying over his mind but Kyungsoo chooses to voice none.
 
Jongin nods to his direction. ‘Me too.’
 
Kyungsoo stands rooted to the floor as Jongin begins to trudge over, his shoes creaking loudly against the wood floor. 
 
Jongin reaches out his hand, ‘Hi, I’m Jongin.’
 
‘What– what are you doing?’ Kyungsoo leers down at the hand, confusion written across his face and Jongin brings out that dazzling smile again. Kyungsoo narrows his questioning eyes in the dark.
 
‘Let’s start again.’ Jongin grins, too monotonic to be real. 

It’s a start, but Kyungsoo’s heart aches a little too painfully to be a happy one.
 
‘Hi.’ Kyungsoo extends his hand into the grip, Jongin’s hand is warm and big against his own and just so familiar. ‘I’m Kyungsoo.’
 
The grip tightens and Kyungsoo’s heart races. Jongin is nervous– his grab secure but slightly shaken. 
 
He begins to stumble for words, ‘why don’t we, I don’t know–’ Jongin ruffles his own hair in agitation, still not letting go of Kyungsoo’s hand, ‘do something? As friends, of course.’ He adds in quickly.
 
Kyungsoo doesn’t register agreeing but suddenly he’s dragged out of the building, his legs struggle to keep up with a pair of longer and slimmer ones. 
 
He doesn’t protest, though his heart aches in response.
 
 
The sunlight morphs into a pretty scarlet red and hair flies in the wind as their hands are still intertwined. Kyungsoo ogles down at the hand cupping his own and sighs, blowing a huff of air through his mouth. He decides to let it slide this one time. 
 
Jongin is still mesmerising the chill air as the heat begins to pacify, bringing back memories of two boys with big dreams and even bigger hearts running wild in the summer breeze to realise his hands are still firmly grabbing onto Kyungsoo’s hand, one that hasn’t change one bit since the last time he’s held it close.
 
Jongin drops it in a blank moment and Kyungsoo frowns at the movement, ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean–’
 
‘It’s okay,’ Kyungsoo fleetingly stammers to save the moment as he croaks out incoherent words to change the topic, a habit Jongin remembers very well. ‘Where did you say we should go?’
 
Jongin ends up taking them out for a fancy restaurant located a few blocks down, hidden in an alley way by a large olive tree that braches out in the middle of the city. It’s exquisite and a little surreal, like a scene from a fairy tale in Kyungsoo’s opinion, a little like Jongin. 
 
 
 
The dinner goes in a flash. 
 
Everything is great except for the ugly throbbing of Kyungsoo’s heart every time he steals a glance over at Jongin.
 
He misses the twinkle in Jongin’s eyes and the shy grin that plasters across Jongin’s face every time he compliments the food. He misses the way Jongin would fix the collar of his shirt every time he’s nervous and the airy chuckles that leaves his lips at everything Kyungsoo says in effort to keep the conversation going. 
 
The small talk turns into full length conversation about things off topic, shy laughter becomes bursts of giggles and Kyungsoo heart aches because he’s missed this, he’s missed Jongin, so much.
 
 
‘My treat.’ Jongin says after they finish and fishes out his credit card. It glitters nicely under the restaurant’s lighting and Kyungsoo mouth drops a little.
 
Small things hit him hard. 
 
It’s only been 4 years, but Jongin’s come back with a permanent job, a fancy income, a flashy credit card and can afford to eat out at places like this. Kyungsoo meanwhile has recently finished his law degree from university a few months back and is currently on summer holiday, frantically looking for a job while feeding off his petty incomes from singing in a local church. 
 
Kyungsoo feels left behind. 
 
 
 
They walk back and Kyungsoo shuffles his hands in his back jeans pocket absentmindedly. The silence is almost comfortable as they enjoy each other’s company and heads filled with vague wishes.
 
‘It’s getting late,’ Kyungsoo starts with a cough and Jongin looks at him, eyes reflected from the bright moon. ‘We should probably get going.’
 
Jongin stops walking and nods. He opens his mouth to say something else but closes it promptly as the hesitation drills an offbeat silence into the night and he quickly goes with a ‘yeah, we should.’
 
Kyungsoo gives him one final nod before heading back to his apartment but his feet stop frozen on the concrete as Jongin’s husky voice rings through his head.
 
‘I’ve missed you, you know?’ 
 
It was barely audible, but Kyungsoo hears it all. He hearts it and curses his senseless mouth when the words ‘I miss you too’ springs out loud and clear from his lips as his hands fling to cover the gasp just a little too late.
 
Kyungsoo’s almost afraid to face a shocked Jongin who shifts uncomfortably with an unmistakable smile pulling at the corner of his lips.
 
‘Let’s do this more often.’ Jongin says at last, casually, with his stupid, goofy, awkward, shy smile that gets Kyungsoo every time. 
 
Kyungsoo lets the offer hang in the air and watches Jongin fiddles with the fringe of his hair, as he thinks about the consequences and outcomes– of how he really shouldn’t be hanging around Jongin anymore, of how things aren’t crystal clear but more grey, with the occasional dust of red lingering in between the grey canvas.
 
But Kyungsoo thinks if there is red, even just a little, it’s more enough.
 
 
‘Okay, as friends.’ Kyungsoo finds himself replying as he clutches tightly on the hem of his shirt.
 
‘Yeah, as friends.’ Jongin agrees. 
 
 
 
Kyungsoo knows he’s hurting them both, because he knows both their eyes say otherwise.
 
 
 
 
 
04.
 
It was a 30 degree day and Jongin was sweating like crazy after dance practice. He showers quickly and runs to the foyer to meet Kyungsoo, who sits nonchalantly in a nearby bench munching on his coffee flavoured ice cream while humming to his favourite tune. 
 
Jongin smiled. ‘Kyungsoo!’ He panted from running, nerves ticking in the back of his neck and palms sweaty despite just taken shower. ‘Sorry I’m late.’
 
‘It’s okay,’ Kyungsoo looks up at him with a lazy smile and rolled his eyes when Jongin shifted lamely on one foot to the other. ‘Come on, sit down and stop staring at me.’ Kyungsoo pulled his arm and patted on the space next to him.
 
The bench felt cool against his legs but the spot where Kyungsoo touched felt increasingly hot. 
 
They sat as the summer breeze blew through their scattered hair and Jongin for once wasn’t focusing on the amber sunset in front of them or the steaming wind at his face but at Kyungsoo, who he thought was even more beautiful than any sunset, or gentler than any wind and that moment Jongin thinks– he might just be in love with Kyungsoo. The thought brings an embarrassed smile to his lips. 
 
‘What is it? Do I have ice cream on my face?’ Kyungsoo frowned.
 
‘No.’ Jongin smiled again mischievously and Kyungsoo raised his eyebrows inquiringly.
 
‘You’re awfully quiet today, you know?’ 
 
‘Well,’ Jongin looked over, voice unstable at Kyungsoo’s big eyes, ‘I was thinking.’
 
‘What were you thinking?’ Kyungsoo nudged him on his side with an air brushed laugh and Jongin blushed deep red. 
 
‘I was thinking–’ he leaned over, looking at Kyungsoo who still hummed obliviously in response, eyes still fixed on the horizon, ‘that I might be– in love with you.’
 
 Kyungsoo’s eyes snapped wide as he looked to the side, his hand clutching onto the paddle pop stick with too much force and Jongin, clumsy and confounded, pulled him close and kissed him. Kyungsoo’s eyes widen like saucers but his body immediate relaxed, and Jongin realised Kyungsoo was kissing him back.
 
The kiss was innocent, just a small peck on the lips but promising enough for them both and reassuring enough for Jongin to know that his feelings were being reciprocate. 
 
‘I was also thinking,’ Jongin watched a smiling Kyungsoo and his heart warmed, ‘if you’d like to be my boyfriend?’
 
 
And it was probably very unromantic when Jongin thought about it later, confessing in a broken down bench while the wind is blowing scorching hot, both of them sweaty and exhausted, but at that moment he didn’t mind the slightest, as long as he had Kyungsoo by his side. 
 
‘Okay.’ 
 
A simple ‘okay’ was all he needed.
 
 
 
 
 
00.
 
Jongin invites Kyungsoo out for dinner and coffee a few times after that. The air between them is sensitive like a time bomb that even the slightest slip will prick and explode. 
 
 
Friendship should just be indifferent and unperturbed. But Kyungsoo and Jongin both know that the title is there to convince them both that they are nothing more than old friends who are merely catching up and uniting through cups of morning coffee or late notice dinners. The label is necessary as the boundaries are too low and blurry. 
 
They both know that all too well.
 
 
It’s a Sunday morning when Jongin invites Kyungsoo out on a walk down the old part of the city, pondering the old pavements and snacking on little stalls of street foods filled with occasionally touches of shoulder that make them both pull away quickly but hearts yearning for more. 
 
When the bright afternoon sun shines its glare over head that Jongin tugs lightly on the back of Kyungsoo’s shirt, signalling him to follow along the narrow shortcut that they used to run free as high schoolers and stop short in front of a small vintage café, the same one they met last time. Kyungsoo looks over at him with questioning eyes and Jongin grins.
 
‘Let’s sit.’ Jongin says a little too contently for Kyungsoo’s liking but he follows nonetheless, pulling out a wooden chair silently.
 
They sit in a shaded table underneath a blue stripe umbrella, spectating the view of passing vehicles and the way people seemingly blend into an ordinary day, in front of a seemingly deserted school that hold memories too dear to forget.
 
Kyungsoo scowls as the waitress comes with a blinding sick smile, gawking at Jongin with her long eyelashes. ‘Hi! What would you like to drink today?’
 
‘Hmm, one mint latte and one caramel cappuccino please.’ Jongin answers without looking up before Kyungsoo gets a chance.
 
‘H–how did you know?’ He stutters at an amused Jongin when the waitress walks away, who rests his chin on his palm with a smile.
 
Jongin laughs it off with a shrug. ‘Of course I remember.’ I remember everything about you Kyungsoo is held back.
 
 
The conversation dies after that. 
 
They finish their coffee in silence once again and crosses the street to where it all begins. 
 
Kyungsoo takes a sit in one of the half broken bench in the main foyer and Jongin quickly follows but their realisation is a tinge too late. The touch is cold and hollow against their thighs and the recognition hit them to the core of their bones. 
 
 
It’s that place.
 
 
It’s that same bench when Jongin confessed that summer too long ago to remember but too close to be forgotten that somehow got imprinted in the cracks of their brains. It was the summer that involved afternoon kisses jumbled with a hint of shyness and a melted ice cream by the sunset. It was the summer of innocent touches and chaste kisses, the summer when Jongin and Kyungsoo fell in love.
 
Kyungsoo feels so sick, so nauseous as feelings are clawing at his chests and it physically hurts as they look at each other in the eyes, eyes of longing mirroring each other.
 
‘This is familiar.’ Jongin speaks at last. ‘Don’t you think?’
 
‘Yeah.’ Kyungsoo chokes back a response. 
 
‘We–’ Jongin looks up nervously, while fixing the already adjusted collar of his shirt. ‘Can we— try again?’ His voice cracks at the end.
 
‘I–’
 
‘Kyungsoo I love you.’ Jongin whispers under his breath, eyes full of hope and Kyungsoo’s heart clenches.
 
‘I love you too.’ Kyungsoo says finally. ‘I’ve always loved you.’
 
‘Me too.’ Jongin turns his body over so he’s facing Kyungsoo, his eyes a mixture of fear but more importantly, hope. 
 
‘Jongin,’ Kyungsoo cracks out, shaking his head in distress. ‘I’m scared.’
 
There’s a pause before Jongin speaks again. 
 
‘You’re too scared to put any effort to our relationship again?’ He frowns, voice gentle and soft but also cuts sharp like a knife.
 
‘That’s— that’s not what I meant,’ Kyungsoo hastily explains. ‘I just need– time.’
 
‘Time.’ Jongin repeats almost cruelly as a scoff spills from his lips. ‘Four years isn’t enough right?’
 
Kyungsoo bites his lips in response and his head spins like someone’s drowning him in water and forces his head through a tidal wave.
 
‘Why can’t we have a happy ending for once?’ Jongin continues, voice softer and Kyungsoo can’t read his eyes anymore.
 
‘I thought we did.’ Kyungsoo tries not to let his tears spill over. ‘We both know long distance doesn’t work.’
 
‘What was I suppose to do?’ Jongin looks confused, his forehead crinkles slightly in frustration. ‘Was I not suppose to go?’
 
‘The least you could do was keep in contact.’ Kyungsoo bites, anger seeping through him at the thought of that anguishing four years wait. The agony of not knowing– not knowing Jongin’s feelings, not knowing how he was doing over a million miles away and not even knowing if he still cares. Kyungsoo hated it.
 
‘I was busy–’ Jongin sighs and his brings his hands to ruffle through his hair. ‘There was so–’
 
‘Too busy to put any effort into our relationship right?’ Kyungsoo cuts in curtly with a spiteful laugh at the irony of it all. 
 
‘Sorry I–’
 
‘Of course.’
 
 
Kyungsoo flinches at his own response and his heart stings even more when he sees tears pooling at the brim of Jongin’s eyes. He quickly stands up and runs away, because avoidance is the only way Kyungsoo deals with problems.
 
Half a block down and Kyungsoo is panting hard. He risks turning around, part of him hoping Jongin would be there chasing after him. 
 
But he’s met with the blankness of a deserted street.
 
 
 
 
 
04.
 
The day when the letter came was the day of a summer rain. Not the pretty kind of pitter-patter that sprays the rooftop with its flare, but the kind that leaves leather shoes soaking and hurts like mini bullets to the eye. 
 
‘Jongin!’ a voice called out followed by a short boy who came scrambling in happily, feet squeaking from the wet pair of sneakers as he made this way through the door. ‘The summer holiday’s almost here! We should go grab ice cream and let’s go to that amusement park you’ve always wanted to go—’
 
‘Kyungsoo.’ Jongin cut in short.
 
‘–when we were too busy to study for university entrance exam,’ Kyungsoo trailed off and looked a little startled at the interruption but continued to smile brightly. ‘Yeah?’
 
‘I…’ Jongin struggled, the words he rehearsed all morning seemed to stuck at the back of his throat.
 
‘If you don’t want to go to that amusement park anymore we can always go to the aquarium instead,’ Kyungsoo laughed but his eyes cupped down in panic when Jongin didn’t return the smile. ‘Jongin– what’s wrong?’
 
‘I– the letter came. They accepted me.’ Jongin rushed out and he noticed Kyungsoo’s eyes fell for a fraction but brightened up again in a heartbeat.
 
‘That’s great!’ Kyungsoo grinned. ‘We should celebrate, my treat. We have at least this summer right?’ Kyungsoo’s eyes was bright and pretending, but Jongin saw that flicker of hope and a bit of fear.
 
‘Well–’ Jongin stuttered out and Kyungsoo’s eye fell immediately to the floor as hesitation followed by realisation struck him like a broken minor chord. 
 
The room quickly lapsed into silent and Kyungsoo’s mouth gaped open but closed just as quickly.
 
He took a couple steps forward and punched softly at Jongin’s arm. ‘Just– don’t forget me okay?’ Kyungsoo’s voice was light but eyes pleading as he blinked the tears away but they fell down anyway.
 
‘Never.’ 
 
‘Good.’ 
 
Jongin leaned down to press his lips against Kyungsoo and they stayed like that for a long time, lips pressed together as if it’ll somehow erase the pain. 
 
 
Jongin found the taste too salty, and it wasn’t just from Kyungsoo’s tears.
 
 
 
 
 
00.
 
Days go slowly like years and Kyungsoo forces himself to go back to his quiet routine of finding a job and singing broken ballads at the local church (they sound extra painful without much effort).
 
 
Kyungsoo mindlessly wonders if he was too harsh. Maybe too rude and a little repulsive.
 
It doesn’t matter really. They’re done for good now. 
 
But his heart doesn’t stop clenching at the brief thought of Jongin when it crosses his mind, which is more often than not. 
 
 
 
 
04.
 
It was a nice weekend afternoon when Kyungsoo chose to root in his bedroom, briskly opening his laptop at the speed of light and Skype.
 
It was a little over two months since Jongin left to America. International texts and calls were always absurdly expensive and Skype was the only economical way they can keep in touch. Despite time zones and all, Kyungsoo was more than willing to spend his weekend afternoons at home regardless of his parents’ protests if it meant he can see Jongin’s face before the other goes to morning dance practices.
 
Kyungsoo sat in his bed, flicking open tabs of YouTube and scrolled through his Facebook feeds while waiting for the little icon next to Jongin’s ID to turn green. 
 
He waited.
 
And waited.
 
 
When Kyungsoo came back from dinner to face a grey status bar, the feeling of betrayal boiled in his guts and he let out a disgruntled groan while slamming his laptop shut before heading to bed early.
 
 
 
The sun woke Kyungsoo up in the most obnoxious way possible and he scrambled for his phone on the side table top.
 
 
From Jongin
Sorry I overslept :( let’s Skype next time ~ I’m sorry :(((((
 
 
Kyungsoo scoffed and rolled over in his blanket, anger bubbling in his chest even though it was seven in the morning. He tossed the phone back before heading to the bathroom for a shower. 
 
Kyungsoo waited for another message of how about tonight? Maybe next week? But his hopes crumbled like a domino house as the cloud icon continued to stay grey and his inbox continued to be empty. 
 
 
Though once in a while, maybe three months or so, he’d get a small hey how are you? that he’d always replied with good, you? and the conversation stopped after I’m good too.
 
Kyungsoo wondered if Jongin was telling the truth, because he sure wasn’t.
 
 
 
 
 
00.
 
Kyungsoo’s right hand is shaking like a leaf thrown into a storm as he clings on the back of his phone, grip too tight and thumb hovering the call button of a number he’s memorised by heart. 
 
He nervously pressed the button harshly on an outburst of courage and mentally curses.
 
A husky voice speaks at ring five. ‘Hello?’
 
‘Oh—uhm.’ Kyungsoo stammers, weighing the pros and cons of whether on not he should just hang up.
 
‘Kyungsoo?’ Jongin calls out, voice perplexed and the queasy feeling in the pit of Kyungsoo stomach returns.
 
‘Yeah.’ He answers. ‘Hey.’
 
‘Hey.’ Jongin replies, voice unsure. His voice rings through the line and Kyungsoo tightens his hold.
 
‘Listen, I—’ Kyungsoo pauses because all the words seem to have flown out of his head despite the couple of run through he had before making this call. ‘Can we meet? I mean, if you’re busy that’s fine we can always make it another day. Sorry about the late notice I—’
 
‘Kyungsoo,’ Jongin cuts in, his voice tingles with a slight laugh. ‘I’m free. Do you want to meet now?’
 
‘O-okay.’ Kyungsoo nods to the phone. ‘I’ll text you the address. See you in half an hour?’
 
He hears a hum in acknowledgement before pressing end call.
 
 
 
 
It’s a beautiful afternoon, one carefree and refreshing. 
 
The sun shines at just the right angle so that there’s the warmth of sunray but not blindingly exposing. The wind is soft and its path light, brushing playfully against the bangs of Kyungsoo’s hair and stops at his heart.
 
Kyungsoo waits outside the café. He doesn’t really know why he chose this place.

 
‘Hey.’ He turns around to greet a handsome looking Jongin, with his perfectly fitted t-shirt and casual jeans, tan skin glowing in the sun and mouth quirks in reluctant.
 
‘What’s up?’ Jongin asks carefully, following Kyungsoo as he begins to walk at an agonizingly slow pace and there’s a pause before Kyungsoo speaks up.
 
‘I’m not sure,’ the answer comes out raw and a little broken. ‘I’ve just been thinking about us.’
 
Jongin says nothing and Kyungsoo takes it as his cue to continue, occasionally kicking the pebbles on the sidewalk as they stroll down the wide road, side buzzing with cars.
 
‘You know,’ Kyungsoo begins. ‘Maybe I’m just a sadist. I don’t know why I torture myself by thinking about you all the time, or anything related to you, like this cafe, that school, or that bench.’ 
 
Kyungsoo’s tone isn’t accusing, it just sounds so honest and so in pain that makes Jongin balls his hand into fists because he knows he’s the cause of it all.
 
‘And it’s not like I haven’t try. Trust me, I have.’ Kyungsoo’s laugh is bitter. ‘But I end up coming back here all the time. Back to places where it was us. And then I wish things were different.’
 
He shakes his head and lips twitch painful in what looks like a forced smile. ‘But it’s ironic, don’t you think we’re basically going in circles? It’s been four years for God’s sake. And here I am, still in love with you—’ Kyungsoo sighs. ‘Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy and wonder why I haven’t.’
 
‘And I thought about it,’ Kyungsoo presses his lips together in a thin line. ‘And I thought— maybe loving you keeps me going. I keep telling myself we’d be together in the end, and somehow it gets me through another day.’
 
‘It’s stupid, I know. But what can I do when I can’t let go?’ Kyungsoo stops and looks up, his eyes slightly red but otherwise clear.

 
Jongin has no answer. 
 
‘I’m sorry I ran off last time.’ Kyungsoo starts walking again, eying the grey cement. ‘But I don’t want to avoid this–’ Kyungsoo motions between them, ‘or you, or us anymore.’ Kyungsoo lets out a breathy laugh. ‘I’ve realised avoiding you doesn’t do me any good, I’ve tried that for 4 years.’ He looks at Jongin and his expression turns hopeful. ‘I miss you Jongin.’
 
 
They keep walking in silence and Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything more, linking his hands behind his back quietly.
 
 
‘I’m sorry.’ Jongin says. Kyungsoo glances over a little surprised, a wordless expression hovers across his otherwise composed face. 
 
Jongin continues. ‘For not trying to keep in contact.’ He shuffles stiffly. ‘I’m not going to make any excuses but I just want you to know— despite time zones and everything, I haven’t stopped thinking about you, not for one single day.’
 
Kyungsoo’s face softens and Jongin takes it as a good sigh. ‘And you’re right, I don’t know what to do when I can’t let go.’ Jongin chuckles out a airy laugh. ‘I don’t know what to do when your face appears in my head at 3am, or why your laugh rings in my head when I have a crappy day, especially when the thought of you give me so much pain but I smile anyway.’
 
Kyungsoo smiles a little and Jongin shoulder relaxes. 
 
‘You know—’ Jongin begins while locking eyes with the horizon. ‘They offered me a job there and the pay’s good— but I said no. I don’t really know why I was such a douche in the last four years, getting caught up with dancing and losing sight of something else so much more important.’
 
Jongin stops in his walk and looks down at Kyungsoo. ‘And you know I’m never good at sappy apologies so this is my way of saying I’m so sorry– so please give me a chance.’
 
 
Kyungsoo thinks their relationship is like a circle, round and round, that ultimately leads to each other. And maybe, just maybe, they’re going to be okay.
 
The corner of Kyungsoo’s lips tugs into a smile before his eyes meet Jongin’s. ‘It’s funny really, and a little cruel. How we’re both stuck in square one and can’t move on.’ 
 
‘Yeah,’ Jongin replies, locking gaze with Kyungsoo’s big brown orbs and everything else seems to wash away into the background. ‘But I don’t regret it though.’
 
 
And that’s all it takes.
 
That’s all it takes for their lips to crash like a pair of opposite pole magnet, Kyungsoo’s protective walls and Jongin’s ignorant heart to come crumbling down.
 
It’s neither chaste and sweet nor is it slow and beautiful. It’s a mix of tears and long forgotten passion that’s been held for too long. It’s needy and desperate and tongues tasting salty and voice broken as their tears stream down to mix with their muffled cries and moans. 
 
And they keep kissing like each other’s life depends on it. They both need this, it’s passion and love and feelings locked away and bury at the deepest part of the heart that gradually resurface and crack open, waves and waves of raw emotions hitting them both when their lips collide. It hurts and it pains but neither of them can stop as the taste is addictive and those mere minutes are no where near enough to compensate for the lost times. 
 
 
Kyungsoo pulls away first after what feels like forever, face a little red as he wipes away a stray tears and Jongin does the same.
 
 
Both of them are panting hard, gasping for oxygen but the feeling is a little different, one of pure bliss and happiness. 
 
Jongin slides his hand to intertwine with Kyungsoo’s smaller one, noting to himself that it hasn’t change at all through all these years. 
 
‘Be mine?’ Jongin whispers in Kyungsoo’s ear as he pulls him close, resting on his chin on Kyungsoo’s brown hair.
 
Kyungsoo laughs, voice vibrating against Jongin’s t-shirt and soaking the fabric along with it. He wraps his free arm around Jongin’s waist and tightens the hold.
 
‘I was always yours to begin with.’ He whispers back into Jongin’s chest as the sun falls underneath the horizon, encasing them in a warm shadow and Kyungsoo thinks, it’s a beautiful day.

A/N: The puke worthy ending lol anyways i hope u guys enjoyed pls give me some feedbacks anything is appreciated since i need motivation to write T,T But i hope u all have a great day and pls love kaisoo !