Kyungsoo awakes to the heavy feeling of Jongin’s gaze burning into his back.

Smiling into his pillow, he pretends to remain asleep. Because the thought of Jongin was worth losing sleep to. He feels Jongin’s fingers run soothingly through his red-wine hair before moving down to tentatively brush against the covered skin of his back.

Sunlight begins to stream through the half open blinds, illuminating the bedroom in an orange hue. Rolling over into Jongin’s arms, Kyungsoo slowly opens his eyes. Rays of light fall softly upon Jongin’s features, and Kyungsoo briefly thinks that he resembles an angel.

Kyungsoo feels gentle arms sneak around his waist that pull him against his boyfriend’s chest. He immediately buries himself in Jongin’s warmth and allows a contented sigh to slip from his lips.

Warm breath ghosts over his ear as Jongin’s murmurs resonate in his hearing, and Kyungsoo can feel the tickle of his boyfriend’s hair against his face.

Jongin’s voice is hauntingly beautiful.

…

“Kyungsoo. You’re dreaming.”
_____________

Kyungsoo awakes to the sound of rain seeping gently from the speakers on his phone.

Wearily, he splays one arm out to feel the cold and empty sheets of his bed, his other hand settling on his chest to feel the dull thud of an even emptier heart.

For the briefest of moments he pretends that the cold linen wrapped around his thinning frame is comparable to the warm arms of his boyfriend. And that the chill breeze emitted from the open window is equivalent to Jongin’s breath against the back of his neck.

His chest aches as he nuzzles his face into the soft fabric of Jongin’s jumper. As if the sweet attar of the original owner hadn’t long vanished, replaced with the faintly salty aroma of tears…

…as though breathing in Jongin’s scent could bring back anything other than memories.

Kyungsoo winces slightly as he sits up in bed, swinging his legs around so that his bare feet touch the cold floor. His mind spins with images of a boy with blonde hair and warm eyes, and his ears ring with the distant promise of forever.

Tears threaten to spill over the edge as Kyungsoo’s body trembles uncontrollably. The feeling embraced after so many weeks of feeling nothing at all. His heart clenches and his lips threaten to spill the name of the boy who holds his everything.

Kyungsoo’s vision clouds with tears and heartache as he stares unseeingly around the single room apartment. His gaze falls over the minimal furniture; the desk where Jongin will never again study at until way past midnight, where Kyungsoo had regularly had to drag him away to persuade him to get some sleep. The sofa on which late night movies had turned into late night kisses, until both boys would fall asleep. Where Kyungsoo would awake to a feeling of content and Jongin’s chest pressed against his back.

Kyungsoo vaguely realises how the sun is begins to set outside his window. That he had spent the entire day asleep. Because lately, the shielded bliss of sleep has been infinitely preferable to the dark truths of reality.

Kyungsoo pulls his legs against his chest as his body continues to shake. His hands tug viciously at burgundy tresses of hair, where dark auburn roots are beginning to show. Serving as evidence of the weeks he had spent too depressed to redye them.

Kyungsoo feels as though he is going insane, and he barely notices when there’s a quiet knock on his door.

He finally brings himself to stand up, and Jongin’s jumper hangs off his body and slips off his shoulder, revealing the thin frame of a boy who hasn’t eaten in weeks. He hasn’t showered in days either and the shadowy circles under his eyes make him appear almost as dead as he feels.

Kyungsoo’s vision is blotched with shadows as he makes his way to his apartment door. He’s too out of it to question why someone would be visiting, despite it being weeks since he’s spoken to another person. Because none of the condolences offered were delivered in the voice of Jongin. And he knows that the person on the other side of the door will never be the boy who he wants to see the most.

Kyungsoo collapses into Baekhyun’s arms the moment he opens the door and his entire being is overcome with grief, leaving no room for embarrassment or shame. Baekhyun wraps his arms around Kyungsoo’s tiny body and holds him tightly, trying desperately to squeeze all his broken pieces back into place. Kyungsoo relishes in the chill of his best friend’s warm embrace. It’s all he can do to convince himself that the arms holding him are Jongin’s. That the commiserations whispered into his ears are being said in the warm voice of his boyfriend.

Jongin’s memory paints the stains of tears down his face and Kyungsoo shakes so violently that he loses consciousness.
___________

Kyungsoo awakes to the familiar sound of beeping and the sanitary smell of the hospital.

The room is entirely white, and for a moment he imagines that he could have died too. Though from the terrible events of the past several weeks, Kyungsoo realises that never could he be that fortunate.

Kyungsoo opens his eyes to meet several pairs of glassy ones, their lashes laced with tears, and each of his friends offer him soft smiles and pieces to bandage up his broken heart.

With a painful jolt, Kyungsoo realises that there’s still a piece missing. That there will always be a piece missing. Because the person who he had once imaged spending all his tomorrows with, was nothing more than a memory of yesterday.

Because no matter how tight Kyungsoo tried to hold on, Jongin had slipped from his life like sand through his fingertips.