Wendy pulls up her hoodie and yanks on the straps of her bag as she looks at her manager, nodding at him. He makes sure the security guard makes a complete circle around the girl, before heading towards the sliding doors. Once the automatic doors slide open, loud cheers can be heard, all chanting her name. Her manager leads the pack, clearing a path between the fans for her and her security entourage. She smiles, waves and accept as many fan gifts and fan letters as she can. Her manager is so going to chide her for it again when they get onto the van, but Wendy just can’t disappoint the fans who god knows travelled for how long just to catch a glimpse of her. She finally gets on the van, waving till the last minute the van door slides close.

As expected, her manager starts to reproach her on the accepting of fan gifts, but Wendy tunes him out, beginning to read some of the letters written in refreshing hangul letters. It’s been a while since she’s seen them, a few years to be exact and Wendy is glad that she can still read and understand them. It’s been five years since she has left Korea and the people here, especially the people here. She thinks about big dumb bear Seulgi, doong doongie Sooyoung, always happy Yerim and Joohyun unnie. She looks out of the window and sees the said girl promoting perfume in an advertisement on the big screen on a tall building. She misses them, misses her- but she stops herself from going there. She’s so weak. If she’s going to run away from the start, then she should just keep running away till the end.

--

“We can work this out!” Joohyun calls out, hands on her wrist. Wendy just keeps walking out of the door, dragging Joohyun along, not wanting to turn around; not wanting to look at the older girl, for she knows her resolve is going to crumble once she sees the older girl. She reaches the door, wrenching it open and clenches her trembling hand into a fist. She holds Joohyun’s hand, feeling the latter quivering from crying. “I’m sorry, unnie. Forget about me, and in the future, live happily.”

She lets go of the older girl’s hand and runs off, not trusting herself to be able to stay in the same vicinity as Joohyun any longer. Any longer, and she won’t be able to leave.

--

“Get out of my way!” He roars, flinging her to the side and she is just thrown to the floor like a rag doll. Why does she always have to fall in love with the wrong person? She always tells herself she doesn’t want to feel this pain again, she doesn’t want to love the wrong person again, but it just happens again and again. Irene clutches her chest and cries her heart out, hoping that someone, just someone out there will help her get rid of this pain in her chest.

“Anddddddddd CUT! Good take Irene-ssi!” The director calls out as he clenches a fist and stands up while applauding her. Irene looks through her tear rimmed eyes to see the rest of the staff having the same expression, one that looks like they want to give her a pat on the back for a job well done. She sniffs a little and wipes her tears, getting up with the help of her co-star. Bowing to the rest of the staff to thank them, her manager wraps her in a polka dot blanket and ushers her to the lift.

As they walk down the corridor, a man runs up hastily towards them and heaves a sigh in relief when he sees Irene and her manager. “Irene-ssi! I’m so glad I caught you!”

Irene recognizes the man as a producer of an entertainment program she used to emcee at and bows as a greeting. “How can I help you?”

“Just wondering if you have some spare time to help me interview a celebrity? We just scored an interview with her, but since it was such a last minute thing, our regular MCs couldn’t make it. Please help me out?” The producer pleads and Irene looks over to her manager, who just gives her a shrug, meaning the decision is hers to make. Honestly she looks really rundown now after filming a crying scene but she’s curious as to who this big shot celebrity could be that they actually still want to interview her despite giving such a late notice. Irene may be a celebrity, but she still finds it fascinating when she sees other celebrities that she will usually only see on TV. “Who is it?”

“Wendy Son, the Youtuber.”

--

And so Irene finds herself desperately placing chilled metal spoons against her swollen eyes as she tries to read the script. She agreed the moment she heard Wendy’s name, not even caring that she will go on national TV looking like ; she just really wants to see the Canadian girl. Her stylist had miraculously been able to dig out a decent dress for her and after touching up her make-up, Irene walks to where the staffs are already busy preparing the equipment. A few placards of script is small fry for Irene, who is used to memorizing pages of drama dialogues, but she has a feeling she’s going to forget everything once she sees the other girl.

Standing in front of the cameras, Irene looks through her placards one more time and the hushed whispers among the staffs tell her that Wendy has just reached. She looks up and true to her words; sees a black van pull up in the lot. The door opens and Wendy steps out in sneakers and casual wear and Irene feels both the urge to run to the former and slap her for their past, or to hug and cry in her embrace. She does neither; just standing rooted to her spot as she watches Wendy bow to the staff and make her way to closer to her. The producer softly calls out to her to signal the start of the interview, and Irene tries her best to gather what is left of her composure, waiting for the moment they finally meet, gripping onto the placards as if they were her life.

--

The moment Wendy locks eyes with Irene, her heart nearly stopped beating and Wendy was sure her eyebrows are lifted in shock. It can’t be… But it is, right in front of her, stands Bae Joohyun, who greets her with a small smile, holding out her hand for a handshake. She takes it in a daze, and that familiar warmth is gone as fast as it came. They settle down in their chairs opposite each other, the interview officially starting. Wendy finds herself staring at Irene; the older girl hasn’t changed much, but her eyes look swollen and tired, and Wendy controls the urge to just reach out and caress the latter’s face. It’s only when Irene looks at her questioningly that she realizes that they are in a middle of an interview and she had totally tuned out to what Joohyun was saying.

Joohyun laughs and covers up for her by saying that she is probably tired after the long flight and also having to deal with jetlag, but they both know that’s not the truth. She repeats the question again. “Many fans were at the airport to catch you when you arrived this afternoon, did you expect such support from them?”

“Honestly, no. It was a really pleasant surprise to see so many people actually supporting me and taking the time and effort to come down to the airport just to catch a glimpse of me, so I’m really grateful and thankful.” Wendy replies, vowing to just focus on the interview at hand.

The interview continues with no more blunders, and although Wendy is glad that it is going on smoothly, she feels a little disappointed that Irene looks at her as if she doesn’t know her at all. Well she did tell the older girl to forget her when she left, so she can’t blame anyone but herself. She quickly tunes back to Irene who is reading off the next question from her placards.

“…heard you are working on an album with songs written by yourself. Can you give us an idea on how the album will be like?”

“Yes, an album is in the works and I have written some songs by myself, but I don’t know if they will be good enough to be included in the album. Nevertheless, I do hope people will continue to support the music I put out!”

“Can we have a preview of some of your own composed songs?”

“Will that be okay?” Wendy looks to her manager and he nods his agreement. She smiles and takes out her guitar from the casing, strumming a few chords to make sure the tuning is alright. “This song is called ‘If You’.”

If You

If You

If it’s not too late

Can’t we get back together?

Getting more confident, Wendy looks up from her guitar to look at the camera, then at Irene. Their eyes meet, and Wendy is sure Irene still remembers her. Irene is looking at her like she’s mesmerized, like she always does whenever Wendy sings and Wendy finds herself drowning in those gentle brown orbs as she continue singing.

If You

If You

If you’re struggling like I am

Can’t we make things a little easier?

I should’ve treated you better when I had you

Irene snaps out of it the moment Wendy strums the last chord, her professional look back on her face as she applauds Wendy for a job well done. Wendy is thankful that Irene still remembers her, but she feels sorry that the older girl is probably still struggling with her heartache till today. She is selfish and she is willing to pay the price for it, but it is not fair to make Irene pay for it too when all she did was to fall in love with the wrong person who didn't want to fight for her. The slate board is clapped and Irene bid farewell to the staff hastily before running back to her van. Before Wendy could catch her, the van has already sped off. She knows without a doubt, Irene is crying and she is the source of her tears, again. Joohyun-unnie, I’m sorry.

--

Wendy has been thinking about their encounter ever since, not knowing what to make of it. It’s been a few years, but it seems like time doesn't heal all wounds. She finds herself wondering, wondering what the outcome would be if she chose Joohyun over her dreams, wondering if it was worth it choosing her dreams over Joohyun. The look on Irene’s face yesterday as she ran away and her subsequent heartache after that tells her it wasn't. She only snaps out of it when her manager announces that they are here and Wendy thanks him and hops off the car.

Seeing her other three friends instantly makes her feel better. The two maknaes have pounced on her and given her a tight hug when she saw them, and after that, Seulgi had squeezed her in a crushing hug. They settle down for dinner and Wendy realizes sometimes, time doesn’t change everything. Granted, they look more matured now, but they are still dorky as ever, Yerim and Sooyoung fighting over the last piece of chicken, and Seulgi still as slow as ever.

A few drinks later, Yeri has passed out on the table, Joy and Seulgi looking like they are on the verge of passing out. Wendy stops Joy as she tries to lift another cup of alcohol into . “You had enough for tonight Sooyoung-ah.”

Joy pushes Wendy’s hands away. “It’s okay; you only live once right, I don’t want to live with regrets, like you Unnie.”

“Sooyoung…” Seulgi warns Joy with a cautious tone, not wanting her to say anything else. Wendy keeps quiet, pricked by Joy’s comment.

“What. I don’t understand you guys really, it’s not like you guys don’t love each other, in fact you guys love each other, love each other so much, but for some reason you guys just aren’t together and cause each other so much pain.”

“I’m sorry…” Wendy says.

“You are saying it to the wrong person Unnie.” Sooyoung bends over, face green and Seulgi immediately opens a plastic bag for the younger girl to throw up into. Patting her on the back, Seulgi grabs Sooyoung’s arm, draping it across her shoulders. “Alright, party’s over. Let’s go home. Mind helping me with Yerim, Seungwan-ah?”

Wendy nods and together, the two 94-liner friends lug the two maknaes home.

--

Wendy walks out from Yerim’s room to see Seulgi throwing Joy onto the couch, stretching herself from the ache of carrying the younger girl back home. Seulgi turns around and let go of a small sigh and shake of her head. “The kids need to know their limits.”

Wendy just smiles a small uncertain smile before plopping down on the armchair. She turns to look at the comatose Joy on the couch, thinking about what the younger girl had said. This did not escape Seulgi as the bear pats Wendy on the head, effectively getting her attention. “Don’t think too much about what Sooyoung had said. She was drunk.”

“But a drunken mind speaks a sober heart, isn’t it?” Wendy replies quietly, gears still churning in her head. She knows in her heart that what Sooyoung said is true, but she has been trying to ignore it, especially since after meeting Joohyun again, but after having it said into your face blatantly makes it really hard for Wendy to just ignore it anymore. “I have hurt her so much, I don’t know what to do to make it better.”

“You do know, Seungwan-ah.” Seulgi bends down to match her eye level, the two sharing a look and Wendy is sure Seulgi is thinking about the same thing as her.

“Is it too late though?”

Seulgi stands upright again, giving Wendy a friendly pat on the shoulder. “You never know if you don’t try, right?”

That night, Wendy gets back to her hotel and immediately picks up her guitar and a fresh piece of music sheet. She’s going to make things right, she’s going to put up a fight for Joohyun, no matter what other people may think or say.

--

Wendy’s back in Canada after the showcase in Korea (the reason why she went there in the first place), but she feels that she left an important part of her back there, and it’s eating her up day by day, bit by bit. That is why today, she is going to try to make things right, even if it means the end for her career. She knocks on the door and enters. Her boss greets her heartily, ushering her in excitedly and fawning over her. Obviously he’s going to treat his company’s most famous artiste with the best attitude, but Wendy’s not so sure what he will think after he knows what she has in mind.

“So what brings you here today Wendy?”

The said girl pulls out all her compositions and an iPod from her bag, pushing them across the table towards him. He stares at her incredulously, before taking a listen to the songs she composed while looking at the written compositions. Wendy watches as he nods to the songs after a brief listen and he removes the earpiece while clapping slowly. “Amazing, Wendy! All the songs in there,” he points at the iPod and papers, “don’t even need any editing. They are all market ready.”

“Wow really,” He marvels again, looking through the papers again, “it’s as if you have found a muse in Korea!”

“I did, actually.” Wendy replies, ready to spill the truth. “But my muse is a girl.”

He looks at her with an unreadable expression and Wendy never felt so tensed in her life, about to burst out in tears when he bursts out laughing, wheezing and buckling over while clutching his stomach. He looks up after a whole good minute of laughing and he looks at Wendy while wiping his eyes, the girl now looking really befuddled. “What, do you think I’m going to judge you for being gay?”

“Your ual preference is really, the least of my concern. I mean,” he gestures at the stuff on the table, “if you are going to compose so well after coming out, you should have just come out like 5 years ago when I signed you.”

Wendy feels slightly relieved at her boss’s words. “But what about the public?”

He shrugs. “You are a musician, not a priest. Your job is to make good music, not be a goody two shoes. Besides, those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter. It’s not like you don’t have any haters now. There will always be people who will judge and condemn you; you just have to learn to ignore them.”

Wendy heaves a sigh of relief at her boss’s assuring words. But this is just the start, and Wendy knows it. This road will only get more difficult from now on.

--

Wendy hadn’t been in Korea for a long time, but she knew the director sitting opposite her is known as the ‘Steven Spielberg’ of Korea. She wonders how her boss managed to get this director to direct her pathetic excuse of a music video (being the CEO of one of the largest entertainment company in US probably helped) as the director goes through her script, the one Wendy had written, editing some parts to make the music video more coherent. She gets absorbed into the discussion quickly, not afraid to voice out her opinions even though she’s in the presence of one of the best director in town. It’s only when there’s a knock at the door that they are disrupted from their intense discussion, all the heads shooting towards the door to look at the intruder. The door opens and she bows, almost folding her body in half. “I’m sorry I’m late, I hope I didn’t cause any inconvenience!”

Wendy stares at the girl, her eyebrows lifted so high it probably touched her hair line. How… why… why is she here… The director waves her over, not wanting to waste any more time as he briefly introduces the two to each other. There’s no need for that, Wendy thought, she knows this girl very well indeed… Wait what? She catches him saying that she is her co-actress in her music video and Wendy nearly faints on the spot. The other girl remains calm and nods her head towards her, sticking her hand out for a handshake. “I’m Irene Bae, I’m really honoured to be able to work on this production with you.”

Wendy’s heart aches at the distant greeting, but reminds herself that this is what she should have expected when she left that day, so she takes it with a small smile, sure that it came out crooked and insincere.

The discussion continues, and the director thanks Irene for accepting this gig so promptly even though the plot isn’t exactly… conventional. Wendy’s brain combusts for the third time in the span of five minutes, if Irene had read the script then she would have known that this wasn’t just a ‘story’ to the other people like the director, this is their story. Wendy’s vision spins and it takes all her concentration to not faint right there and then. The discussion comes to an end and they agree on having the first shoot next week. Both of them stand and bow as the director leaves and Irene follows right behind, talking to him, obviously bent on avoiding communication with Wendy. It’s okay, Wendy thinks as she gathers her papers, she has the whole filming duration to chase after Irene, it’s only a matter of time Irene runs into a dead end and have to face her.

--

Irene is in her element, moving her body to the beat and Wendy forgets how good the older girl is at this. It’s been years, but it seems like they have teleported back in time, both of them in the dance studio dancing their guts out, not stopping even though all the muscles on their body are screaming in pain and agony. Wendy sits down, taking a well-deserved break as she looks at Irene who is still going as though she has just started. She finds herself lost in her elegant moves, her body which seems to flow as one with the music. The music stops and Irene settles down beside her, heaving and gasping for air. Before she realizes it, Wendy has offered the older girl her water and Irene takes it with a small mumble that sounded something like ‘thanks’. She watches as Irene chugs it down and they sit, back against the mirror. Irene stares ahead, while Wendy stares at her. Again, Wendy reaches out to fix Irene’s hair before she registers what she’s doing. Irene turns to look at her with a hint of surprise, before it turns into a small smile, blush covering her cheeks. She returns it with a small smile of her own, butterflies on ecstasy in her stomach, heart thumping like she has just got off a rollercoaster.

It’s only when the director yells out ‘Cut’ that Wendy finally returns to the present, sees all the staff and cameras, finally realizes that this isn’t real, that this is all acting. Irene is already off the ground, dusting the dirt off her pants as she trudges to the director for the replay of the scene. Wendy follows behind, finally getting her senses back after being intoxicated by the other girl. She watches the replay and bows when all the staffs praise them for their good acting. But both Wendy and Irene know that they weren’t acting anymore.

--

They did a few more light-hearted scenes, playfully bumping into each other while walking; holding each other’s hands as they walk back to their dorm, sneakily eating instant noodles in the middle of the night to satisfy their stomachs which are never full from their cruel diets and then putting ice packs on each other’s faces for fear of swelling the next morning. The easy stuff is over, now is the real deal. Wendy grips her script tightly as she walks into the set which is almost identical to their dorm that it scares her. Yes, this is the lay-out she submitted, but she didn’t realise they could do it up to look so similar. She barely makes it to her make-up chair with her legs which have lost all their strength. She watches Irene enter the set, momentarily frozen at the sight. She can almost hear it, the cries that night, her cries that night. Irene settles down robotically in her make-up chair, sparkle in her eyes gone.

--

Please tell her, I don’t love her

Even though I’m sad I smile just to punish myself

Just to end all these struggles

I steeled my heart and said a white lie

Wendy rolls the blue suitcase to the door, turning to look at the dorm again. Every single item in this dorm remains her of her Joohyun, of them. She picks up one of the many framed photo of them on the coffee table. They look so happy, smiling, pouting and making weird dorky faces at the camera. She smiles fondly as she runs her trembling thumb across Irene’s face. Please always stay this happy…

The door opens and she puts down the photo immediately, turning her back towards the door to wipe her eyes. Her suitcase is knocked over and Irene’s startled scream reverberated across the room and Wendy can already imagine her startled expression. Don’t get scared so easily anymore, I can’t stay by your side to comfort you anymore… She chuckles as she turns to look at Irene, who has one hand on her chest. “Come on, did you just get a shock because of the suitcase?”

Irene responds with a pout as she sends a kick jokingly to the suitcase, walking over to envelope Wendy in a hug. “Did not!” she denies, but they both know the truth. “What’s with the suitcase anyway? Are you going back to Canada again?”

“Yeah…” Wendy replies numbly, trying her best to keep her emotions in check. Irene pulls away and frowns at her disapprovingly as she sends a punch to Wendy’s arm. “You promised to bring me along!”

“I…” Wendy didn’t know how to break the news to Irene, but the latter took it as nervousness from her accusation. Irene laughs and pinches the younger girl’s cheeks. “I’m just kidding you little puff ball, don’t get so nervous.”

Irene throws herself into Wendy’s embrace again, humming gently. “Just remember to get like, 10 bottles of that maple syrup for me. No, screw that, more like a 100.”

Wendy bites on the inside of her cheeks. This was why she wanted to leave before Irene got back from her dance practice, to avoid this sort of confrontation. She wanted to leave like the blowing wind, just fading into the background, hoping Joohyun didn’t realize, but her small emotional escapade got her stuck in this predicament now. Wendy curses inwardly as she struggles to find the words to put the truth in a nicer way to break it to Joohyun. She never wanted to hurt Joohyun, but she has to do this so that she doesn’t get hurt anymore in the future. “Unnie…” Wendy starts, voice almost a whisper. “This time after I go, I’m not coming back…”

"Hahaha, nice joke you have there Son Seungwan." Irene mocks and pulls away while smiling. She looks at the forlorn expression on Wendy’s face and her face falls. “Yah, stop this… This isn’t funny…”

When the younger girl doesn’t reply and instead avoids her gaze, Irene finally panics. “Wan-ah, tell me you are joking please?”

“I’m… sorry…” Wendy fumbles out a weak response and Irene runs her fingers through her hair, her unnie authority in full force now. “Okay look, no matter what problem you are facing now, we can get through it together, okay? Is it the diet? Let’s go for jjajangmyun later. Or is it the other trainees who had been picking on you? Geez I really need to teach them a lesson aga…”

“It’s not any of those Unnie.” Wendy interjects. “How long do you think we can keep this a secret? The company’s bound to find out sooner or later. Then what happens after? They aren’t going to leave us be.”

“We can work things out. Come to a compromise with them. Do what the company wants to get them to leave us alone.” Irene says, but even she herself isn’t convinced with her words.

“Sometimes, things don’t just work out just because we work on it.” Wendy slides off the iron grip on her shoulders. She walks towards her suitcase, only taken a few steps when she feels her wrist being tugged on, Joohyun’s voice shaking. “We can work this out!”

She continues walking, not even turning back once. At the door, Wendy looks up at the ceiling and takes a deep breath. This is do, or die. “My dream is to be a singer, and you just don’t fit in there. I’m sorry unnie.” She feels Joohyun’s hands slacken and she knows she’s done it; she has stepped on any remaining hopes left in Joohyun’s mind and broke Joohyun’s heart beyond repair. Frankly, she is on the brink of breakdown herself, but she’s almost there, this is almost over, just hang in there for a while more Son Seungwan. She pulls Joohyun’s hand off her wrist, holding it like a delicate baby, trying to remember this warmth, this warmth that she will miss for the rest of her life. “I’m sorry, unnie. Forget about me, and in the future, live happily.”

She lets go of Joohyun’s hand, already missing her warmth, picks up her luggage and gets out of there quickly. It is only when Wendy is in the cab heading to the airport that the branch she has been holding on for dear life snapped, causing her to plunge into the darkness. The dams broke, and it finally registers in her head that it’s happening, she’s leaving, she’s leaving Joohyun and it’s going to haunt her for the rest of her life. She clobbers at her chest, trying to hit the pain away but it just makes it worse. She wants this to be the right decision, needs this to be the right decision because she has just given up someone very important to pursue this stupid dream of hers.

Please don’t tell her, I still miss her

It's always easier to forget hate than love

When crying makes it more painful

Just let silence do the talking

“CUT!” The director yells and the set is suddenly very quiet, the emotional scene seemingly taking its toll on everyone in the room. Wendy’s manager drapes her jacket over her, helping her out of the makeshift cab. Her tears are not stopping, and she trips on nothing as she forces her emotionally drained self to the waiting room.

--

Irene watches the door slam shut and she just stands there, staring at the door, willing it to open, willing for Seungwan to pop back in and yell ‘Surprise’ then she would cry in her arms while hitting her continuously for pulling such a bad joke on her. She stares long enough to know that Seungwan isn’t coming back no matter how long she stares and she laughs. She laughs exasperatedly as she runs her fingers through her hair. She laughs as she picks up the framed photos of them on the table and throws it against the wall, the frame breaking into pieces. She does it to every photo frame of them, of her in the dorm, making sure every one of them break into pieces, just like her heart, torn apart. She goes on a rampage, throwing and damaging whatever she can, flipping the table, ripping the TV off the wall and letting it crash to the floor. After her anger subsided, she lay down on the couch, the only undestroyed furniture in the room (because she didn’t know how to destroy it, if she knew she would), tears streaming down her face. To feel pain is to be alive. But if it is this painful, Joohyun thinks she would rather be dead.

Again, after the cue by the director, the set is thrown into sombre silence, all of the staff not knowing what to do. She buries her hands in her face, knows that she has just given an Oscar worthy performance, but at the same time, knowing that it isn’t a performance.

--

She can’t stop crying, her manager giving up on consoling her, leaving her in the waiting room as he went to drive the car up. The door creaks open and she sees Wendy coming in hesitantly before squatting down at her foot, her eyes also red-rimmed and swollen from crying just now. Wendy doesn’t say anything, just pulls her down into a hug and she cries even more. She relishes in Wendy’s embrace for a while before finally pushing her away. “This is what you should have done five years ago. It’s all too late, Wan-ah.”

The last thing she sees is Wendy’s tearful eyes. She gets into her van and throws her head back on the headrest as she closes her eyes. She only realizes today that it hurts to leave someone you love behind, that it hurts just as much as being left behind.

--

The music video was released, and Wendy came out on her Twitter account, thankful for all the positive comments from her fans. Her album does very well on the charts, effectively becoming a hit single for the year and propelling her to the cover of every single major magazine and billboard stands in all of America. Her boss is ecstatic at the album sales and her team congratulates her for being the most talked about celebrity in Hollywood now, but Wendy finds herself losing the enthusiasm they all have. She wasn’t happy with this anymore, this wasn’t her dream anymore.

Attention was also given to her pretty co-star and their fantastic on-screen chemistry, leading to many comments wondering if they were in fact together. The English comments on her Twitter and Instagram had been generally supportive, but she can’t say the same for the comments in Korean. A quick search on major Korean sites like Naver also proved her point where many comments were dragging her, degrading, humiliating her. She ignores them, but can’t ignore the ones that dragged Irene too. She realizes then, that her decision to chase this dream of hers could actually hurt Irene, and she never wants to do that, never wants to hurt her. So even though she got Irene’s number from Seulgi, she deletes it in her phone, but already memorizing it by heart.

Her tour brings her to Korea, and even with her dyke reputation, she still managed to sell out a whole concert hall, and Wendy is thankful for the support despite everything. The support still doesn’t soothe the growing emptiness she felt in her heart with every successful tour, and she finds herself taking a walk at the Han River in an attempt to soothe it. The Han River is familiar and filled with traces of Irene, and it makes Wendy feels even worse than she did before. She stumbles into the convenience store they use to go back in the trainee days and orders (Irene’s favorite) ramyun and (also Irene’s favorite) red bean popsicle ice cream even though she’s not hungry and it’s not even her favorite. She just sets the two items on the table, staring at them, not even attempting to open them to eat it.

“If you are not going to eat them, then I’m going to help myself to it.” She hears a very familiar voice and the dragging of the chair beside her, and looks to see Irene herself settling into the chair as if they have arranged to meet here, hand reaching for the ice cream to open it. She just continues watching Irene as she inhales everything, not knowing what to say. Irene passes the half-eaten stick of ice cream to Wendy who takes it out of habit and snaps the wooden chopsticks to begin her feast on the ramyun. “Aish Son Seungwan how many times do I have to tell you that the noodles won’t taste good when it’s overcooked?”

It reminds Wendy of the time when they were still trainees, when she was still Seungwan, and Irene was still Joohyun. When they didn’t care about what others thought, when it was them against the world, when they were young and brave. Where had all the bravery gone to? Wendy bites on the ice cream, but it just tastes so, so cold.

--

Irene pulls up her jacket to the top as she stuffs her hand into her pocket. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to come out for a walk today, with the wind blowing so mercilessly on her tiny frame. She sees the convenience store, a water point in the middle of the desert for her and she quickens her pace towards it, only to freeze in her tracks when she sees Wendy sitting outside the store with her favorite food on the table, just staring at the food blankly. She recalls their last encounter at the MV filming location, remembers her resolution and bites down on her molars before continuing along the path, determined to stick to her plan.

She forgoes the convenience store and continues walking, but the forlorn expression on Wendy’s face just keeps flashing across her mind and she finds her resolve crumbling before ultimately finding herself turning back to head back towards the convenience store. There’s no point in fighting this battle, she was bound to fall from the start. This time, just this time, she lets her heart rule over her mind, but frankly speaking, her mind is rooting for this too. She drags the chair and settles in it, tries to be as nonchalant as possible. “If you are not going to eat them, then I’m going to help myself to it.”

--

Just like last time, they go for a walk along the Han River to digest their supper, except unlike last time, they aren’t holding hands, or linking arms anymore. Irene sits down first at their usual spot, and Wendy takes a seat beside her. They lean back against the backrest, looking at the stars while listening to the lapping sounds of the water against the shore.

“I’m going to look so swollen tomorrow.” Irene breaks the silence first, hand squishing her cheeks.

In the past, Seungwan would have turned around and pecked her on the cheeks, saying “It’s okay, you will still look pretty.” and get hit by a blushing Joohyun, but they are in the present now and Wendy just shrugs her shoulders and replies with a “Put an ice pack on later.”

“Put it on for me.” Wendy looks over at Irene, who is staring at her with twinkling eyes that are looking at her so expectantly.

“Okay.” Wendy replies and gazes back, feeling herself falling deeper and deeper into Irene’s brown orbs. They lean in; 1cm away from meeting when she hears a click from a distance and Wendy pulls away immediately, spotting the last traces of a lens that had disappeared into a bush that is now shaking. She tugs on Irene’s hands, pulling her up. “Let’s go.”

“Seems like I’m still not as important as your career.” Irene shrugs her hold off and storms off with tears in her eyes. Wendy curses under her breath and easily catches up with Irene, hugging her from the back to stop her from running. She can feel the older girl heaving from her crying and she feels her heart breaking even more than it already is. Irene struggles against her grip, but Wendy just tightens it. “Please just let me explain myself, okay?”

She lets Irene calm down a bit before continuing. “It’s not about my career anymore, okay? Yes, I left you behind for my career, but this isn’t even about me anymore. I have already come out, what else is there that I can be scared of? But it’s different for you, to the public, you are just a co-star in a lesbian MV, and not a lesbian. I don’t want to destroy your career that you have built up so painstakingly over the years just with a stupid label that doesn’t even do justice to how you really are as a person.” 

They remain in that position for a long time, not even caring about the shutters of the camera that have been clicking nonstop. Irene has calmed down considerably, placing her hands over Wendy’s as she continues to sniff. “Don’t you think it’s a little too late now? I think the paps have gotten enough incriminating shots of us.”

Wendy chuckles. “Well I’m sure your company has their ways of stopping this from appearing in tomorrow’s headlines.”

“But I don’t want them to. I want you, I want to be with you and I don’t care what other people may think or say.” Irene breaks out of the embrace and turns around to look at Wendy. Wendy gives her a small smile as she wipes away the residue of tears on Irene’s face. “It will be really difficult from now on.”

“I can handle anything as long as you are with me.” Irene places her hand over Wendy’s that was cupping her face and looks at the latter sincerely, hoping to convey it through her eyes.

“Okay. Then let’s give the paps their field day.” Wendy leans in and connects their lips together, the shutters immediately firing off and she feels Joohyun smile against her own. It feels like they have gone back in time, to those times where they didn’t care about what others thought, to those times where it’s them against the world, where courage fueled by love courses through every vein in their body. She loves Joohyun, and Joohyun loves her, and that is enough, she really doesn’t need anyone else’s approval.

--

“Hi!” Wendy greets and waves and the camera tilts away from her to reveal Irene at the back, reading her script intently. “Say hi!”

Irene breaks away from the script to spare a glance at the camera before waving and smiling at the camera. She promptly turns her attention back to the script and Wendy tilts the camera back to herself, pouting towards it. “We are on the plane bound for Bora Bora now, but the only thing baechu unnie has been doing is reading her script non-stop.”

“That is not true.” Irene retorts from the back and the camera pans towards Irene, showing the older girl still engrossed in her script and Wendy takes the chance to prod at Irene using the camera’s illusion, changing to wriggling her fingers to make it seem like she’s tickling the older girl. She moves onto zooming into Irene’s eyes, then nose, then lips, trying to stifle her laughter so as not to get caught by the older girl. Irene finally spares a glance at Wendy, weirded out by how the girl had gotten so quiet and sees the latter shooting her with the camera with the most goofy grin on her face. She immediately whines and hits Wendy before covering her face; sure that Wendy is zooming onto her features. “Don’t zoom in on my face! It makes me look ugly!”

“Ayyyy you are never ugly.” Wendy comments and turns the camera back so that it shows the two of them together on screen. Irene blushes at the compliment and tries to hide her face in the crook of Wendy’s neck before feeling the other girl give her a kiss on the forehead, her own fingers finding Wendy’s easily before entwining together. The air stewardess comes and tells them to switch off the camera to prepare for the flight and Wendy compiles with an “Okay!”.

“We are flying off soon, see you guys in Bora Bora!” Wendy says and waves to the camera, with Irene following suit.

If the heart is always searching

Can you ever find a home

I've been looking for that someone

I'll never make it on my own

Dreams can't take the place of loving you

There's gotta be a million reasons why it's true

The video starts off with the scenery of Bora Bora, the clear blue seas and skies and their beautiful lodging by the sea before changing into glimpses of Irene, the girl in a white dress with a sun hat on the beach, walking ahead, hair flying with the wind as she turns around to look at (Wendy holding) the camera, smiling while frowning as she gestures for Wendy to hurry up. The camera shakes a little and catches up with Irene, a hand snaking out from behind camera to intertwine with Irene’s before the view changes and Wendy comes into view, their eyes meeting and both faces smiling so widely and brightly it can match the sun as the two trudges ahead along the beach.

When you look me in the eyes

And tell me that you love me

Every thing's alright

When you're right here by my side

When you look me in the eyes

I catch a glimpse of heaven

I find my paradise

When you look me in the eyes

The video changes and it shows Wendy this time, deeply engrossed in reading a pamphlet while on a buggy as it speeds along coconuts trees. A hand reaches out to poke her cheeks, and Wendy ignores it well, but the hand continues its attacks and Wendy turns around to attempt to bite the finger before holding hands with those hands. Irene turns the camera around to include herself and she pouts at the camera at the lack of attention from Wendy as she lays her head against the latter’s shoulders and the latter lets go of Irene’s hands to put hers over the older girl’s shoulders instead. Irene snuggles against Wendy and gives a contended smile towards the camera.

How long will I be waiting

To be with you again

Gonna tell you that I love you

In the best way that I can

I can't take a day without you here

You're the light that makes my darkness disappear

The banana boat rows into dock and Wendy claps her hands wildly, exclaiming how fun it was while Irene looks like she was on the verge of puking. Wendy visibly tones down her excitement as she turns her attention towards the older girl, concerned as she gets off the boat and onto land as she reaches out a hand to help Irene off the boat. The older girl reassures her by nodding when asked about her condition, but it doesn’t soothe the guilt in Wendy’s heart. Wendy fixes Irene’s wind-blown hair, not knowing what to do to make it better. Irene just pinches the worried hamster’s cheeks, finding her too cute.

When you look me in the eyes

And tell me that you love me

Every thing's alright

When you're right here by my side

When you look me in the eyes

I catch a glimpse of heaven

I find my paradise

When you look me in the eyes

Wendy gives Irene a piggyback, the couple taking a night walk along the beach. Irene holds the selfie stick as Wendy trudges along with Irene on her back, not even struggling with the additional weight. “Look at how my girlfriend is bullying me.” Wendy complains begrudgingly as she continues walking, obviously not in any kind of discomfort, just saying it to tease Irene, just saying it because she wants to brag that the girl on her back is her girlfriend. Irene just sticks her tongue out at Wendy and Wendy sees it through the screen of the camera.

“Yah Bae Joohyun, you know I can see you from the screen right?” Before Irene could reply, Wendy runs towards the sea, threatening to dump the girl into the sea, Irene squeals and clambers on more tightly on Wendy, just like a koala to a tree. Wendy laughs and tries to fling Irene off her back, and Irene could feel her grip loosening. She whines and tries her best to negotiate. “Please!”

“Say you love Wendy Son Seungwan three times.” Wendy demands.

“I love Wendy Son Seungwan, I love Wendy Son Seungwan, I love Wendy Son Seungwan!” Irene promptly follows the instructions and Wendy walks away from the coast, securing Irene back on her back again before walking on while laughing. Irene pouts and afraid for the same incident to happen again, asks to be let down. Wendy ignores her request as she continues walking.

“Yah, let me down.”

“Nope. I’m not letting you go anymore.” Wendy says and Irene knows that there is a deeper meaning than what Wendy is saying. She tightens her grip around Wendy’s neck and kisses her on the cheek. “I love you.”

Wendy smiles and she heaves the older girl so that she doesn’t slide off her back. “I love you too.”

More and more, I start to realize

I can reach my tomorrow

I can hold my head high

And it's all because you're by my side

Wendy stands on stage, going through her sound check for her concert later while Irene sits at the corner of the stage, just watching the other girl intently, mesmerized by her girlfriend’s voice. She watches as Wendy grips onto the mic tightly, fidgeting with her in-ear monitors and giving feedback to the staff through the mic. They always say men always look the best when they were serious and engrossed at work, and Irene has to agree with that now, looking at how cute Wendy was focusing on her job. It’s finally break time and Wendy makes her way to Irene, the older girl holding out a bottle and wiping Wendy’s sweat immediately.

'Cause when you look me in the eyes

And tell me that you love me

Every thing's alright

When you're right here by my side

When you look me in the eyes

I catch a glimpse of heaven

I find my paradise

When you look me in the eyes

They exchange gazes and both smile as Irene fixes Wendy’s bangs while the latter continue to drink water with one of her hands on Irene’s waist. Their private moment is interrupted by a staff who comes to talk about the arrangements for later and Irene was about to step aside when Wendy just slips her hands to entwine with Irene’s, signaling for the girl to stay by her side. So she does, and Wendy runs circles along the back of her palm while listening to the staff talk.

--

Wendy crashes onto her bed, the long haul flight and the sleep debt from working on songs finally creeping on her, her eyelids weighing like 50tonnes. She has been working on her new album, finalizing the details in the studio in LA and she’s finally back in Seoul after a grueling 2 months away. The album creation process is always grueling, but being away from Irene for 2 months made things even harder to bear than it already is. Speaking of Joohyun, the older girl is definitely going to nag at her for not unpacking and washing up later, but Joohyun will understand, she will understand when she sees the MV, listens to the album…

--

Irene hears the staff on set saying that she is 3^rd on the live search rankings of Naver, but only knows the reason why when she gets on her van during one of her filming breaks. Her manager shows her the video on her phone, and she tries hard not to squeal when Wendy appears on screen, greeting them. The song starts to play while the clips of them vacationing in Bora Bora starts to play, ending with a video of them backstage during one of Wendy’s concert. It was a good song and Irene is proud of her talented girlfriend and feels a warm feeling growing in her chest as she reads the translated lyrics for the English song. Wendy Shon is such a genius at writing songs, her genius. She goes on her social media accounts (created by Wendy cos grandma lol) to see many of the fans already posting screen captures and tagging the two of them on Twitter and Instagram. She sees Wendy’s Instagram post and smiles.

@wendy_shon: Finally heading back to Seoul! Can’t wait to see you ;)

The video posted was an old video of them fooling around in front of the camera, Wendy dancing weirdly while making derp faces at the camera as Irene laughs while looking at the silly girl through the screen of the camera. Wendy ends up draping herself over Irene in a back hug as they wave goodbye to the camera, and the video repeats again. She watches the video for the remainder of her break.

--

Joohyun comes home to an uncharacteristically quiet house, given the fact that Seungwan was at home. She sees the pair of white Keds on the blue cabinet and smiles as she places her own pair on the pink cabinet. Making her way into the living room, she sees the very familiar blue suitcase against the couch and she’s reminded of how it scared her that day, how Seungwan had left, how things had gone one full circle to end up at the same point, how they had ended up with each other in the end. She tiptoes into the room and sees Seungwan deep asleep, surprised that she didn’t wake the light sleeper already. She takes a photo, and up it goes on her Instagram. It’s a photo of Seungwan deep asleep on the bed, not very presentable at all and she knows Seungwan is going to whine at it later when she sees it but she smiles. She likes it, likes Seungwan with her messy bed hair, likes whiny Seungwan, likes everything about Seungwan.

@irene_bae: Thanks for coming home. I love you :)

She climbs into bed beside Seungwan and snuggles against her human pillow, tucking her head against the crook of Seungwan’s neck. She feels Seungwan stir awake as the other girl turns to face her and gives her a tight hug as she places her chin on Joohyun’s head.

“Welcome home.” Joohyun whispers as she traces Seungwan’s collarbones. She feels Seungwan’s throat vibrating, hears the “Hmm,” of acknowledgement.

“I miss you.” Seungwan says and Joohyun knows it actually means that and more.

“I miss you too.” Joohyun replies and she feels invincible, because as long as Wendy, Seungwan is beside her, everything will be alright.

A/N: sorry for the 2 months delay lol life 

very quick proofreading towards the end so pls pardon any mistakes it's almost 4am my time here so i'm already very amazed by my ability to sprout out coherent sentences

the three songs were: if you - big bang, i still miss her - jj lin and when you look me in the eyes - jonas brothers

spent the longest time deciding on the last song and chanced upon the jonas bros' old song and it just clicked, the lyrics fit so well so yes thank you for the lucky chance upon the song

wendy's insta post caption was supoosed to be "can't wait to see my bae" but i felt that they are not going to be that in your face (given the situation they were in, both gay celebrities) so i tone it down to a more subtle sweet one :P and i feel that it's better too so hurhur

sorry if the ending is kinda ty cos there is no link back to the title 'dreams' but i was trying to link it back to the song so... but okay wendy gets her dream and her dream girl nuff said.

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