I think I’m in shock.

That video. I can’t even think why Noh would have something like that on his phone – he doesn’t quite seem the type – but especially not a video of her. I can’t even think her name right now, it hurts too much.

I know that I haven’t exactly been the best boyfriend but I can’t help but feel betrayed. She said she loved me. She gave everything to me and I her. Somehow up until just now, I’d felt that this precarious arrangement could last. Somehow I could see both her and Noh and keep them away from each other. Because my feelings for each one of them are real and strong. I can’t deny them.

I didn’t want to let go – I was selfish. But now, after this, I’m not really sure how I feel about either of them.

Aim.

Just that name is enough to have hot tears stinging my eyes. How could she? I can’t help the tears that quickly start to leak from the corners of my eyes as I walk as far away from Noh’s house as I can. I don’t want to get a taxi, I don’t want to go home, I just want out. I want to be anywhere away from here. I need to get away.

Aim Cheated. And Noh knew, and for some reason he kept it from me. I just can’t understand why he didn’t tell me. I mean, yes I’d be upset but still… I snort derisively through my tears. I’m in quite a state. The thing is, Noh doesn’t like Aim (understandably, now I suppose) so I really can’t see why he’d protect her like this…

It feels like someone has reached inside me and tied my stomach in a knot (and, while they were at it, they tore my heart to shreds). I’m not completely sure how I’m supposed to feel. I thought that I was the selfish, immoral person that was ruining my own relationship with Aim. But it seems I wasn’t the only one who felt that for some reason just the one person wasn’t enough. It seems I’m not the only one who… who cheated. And seeing it from the other side, the tears won’t stop forming. They’re getting in my mouth.

I’ve admitted it to myself before but never quite like this. I always diverted my mind away, deflected the accompanying darker thoughts but now, they’re seeping in. It never hurt this much before. It was a dull ache that I could hole off in one corner of my mind, immersing myself in the company of Noh and Aim, my friends, my schoolwork, my duties as student council secretary. Now it’s as if there’s sharp spikes of lightning arcing through my mind and body branching through my nervous system.

The strength has left my legs. I gratefully sink down onto a conveniently placed bench. It’s like whoever designed this road however many years ago knew I was going to have a breakdown right here. I lean against the backrest, slowly stretch out my legs and lean back to look at the night sky. It’s cloudy tonight, thin wispy clouds stretching across the sky bringing light to the night. I can’t see any stars but there aren’t that many to be seen from a city. The moon glows through a thinner cloud. It looks like it knows something. I can’t keep avoiding thinking about this.

A sigh drifts from my mouth as I roughly wipe my face with my hands but it sounds more like a sob. I’m being pathetic. I try to hold it in instead. Just breathe.

I can see now that there is no way for my relationship with Aim to progress anymore or even for it just to continue. I see it but I just don’t want to.

There’s got to be something fundamentally wrong in a relationship if both parties cheat, right? There is no way forward. No promises or apologies or words filled with regret can change what we’ve both done. She – she turned away from me. And I didn’t even notice, because my attentions were directed more and more towards someone else. Towards Noh.

I don’t even know if I was the first to turn away.

I’m less sure of my feelings about him. How long has he known? How long has he known that the relationship between myself and Aim was so screwed up beyond the obvious, that we were on such shaky ground? Did it make him happy? To think that ultimately my chances with Aim were nil and in the end I’d go back to him? That seems off but I can’t help but fret about it. Is it possible that Noh is capable of these thoughts? I would have said no in the past, but I would also never have expected him to be in a possession of such an… unsavoury piece of footage… at least not on his phone where it’s so easily accessible (I’m trying not to think the worst). It’s painful. It hurts to think about him this way, to have to consider that Noh – someone so close – could betray me. Although that is exactly what Aim and I have done. And perhaps I’m forgetting about how my relationship with Noh formed. How solid is that particular arrangement?

No.

I refuse. This… this thing with Noh can’t break down too. I can’t be alone.

There’s a pain in my chest. Sharp and insistent. It almost hurts to breathe and my breaths are coming in short, sniffling gasps as I try not to start crying all over again. I don’t want to fully break down in public. I need to get home. Right now.

Before my last semblance of dignity is lost.

I stand up abruptly. Time to move. I shuffle awkwardly to the edge of the pavement and flag down a taxi with one hand, swiping angrily at my eyes with the other. When a taxi stops for me, I slump into the back seat immediately and barely get my address out. Do I look like a young master now? I almost don’t care where I end up but at the same time I’m desperate to be alone, to be in my own room.

The driver eyes me uneasily. Maybe he thinks I’m drunk and he can see the uniform I’m wearing.

I ignore him. It isn’t too far even if I wandered in the opposite direction.

This journey could go faster. The taxi driver keeps glancing at the young man in the back of his cab leaning on the door for support and doing nothing to stop the steady flow of tears streaming from his eyes. I didn’t know I had this many in me. I better make it home before I start sobbing.

I’m starting to feel numb. I don’t want to think about anything… Perhaps it is better if I feel nothing, if there is nothing going on behind these eyes. I bite my lip. Harder. That small burst of pain is enough. I won’t get any worse before I get home. I can hold on that long. I just hope I don’t run into Pang.

I don’t.

As soon as I’ve paid the taxi driver the taxi leaves, trundling of in search of more people to ferry places and wordlessly judge whilst presenting a happy face. I watch the tail lights until they turn the corner at the end of the road and are out of sight. Then I turn on my heels and trudge through my gate, making sure it closes behind me. I slip into the house as quietly as I can, removing my shoes. I don’t want to run into anyone. I’m not sure if it would be worse to see my father or Pang right now.

Still sniffing quietly, I sneak up the staircase and into my room. As soon as the door is closed I start removing my uniform. I feel like I’m suffocating in my button up shirt and blue shorts. I put on the comfiest clothes I can find.

I sit on the edge of my bed facing a blank wall. That’s how I should be. Blank. If I don’t think about it, it won’t hurt, right? The numbness has spread. I can’t feel my body at all. Why can’t it spread to my head? Round up these run away thoughts swirling through my mind.

My thinking has become cyclical and it’s like I’m spiralling downwards. I don’t want to. I want to get out, but I can’t. This is the hole I dug for myself and it’s too   deep.

And then my phone starts ringing. It’s on the other side of the room, still in the pocket of those irritating blue shorts. I turn my head and stare at those shorts. Should I go check? Maybe someone noticed that I left the little gathering at Noh’s. Maybe Noh noticed that I left. Maybe he realised what I found and he’s panicking. Or perhaps he doesn’t care.

The phone stops ringing. I turn back to the wall. At least the wall won’t judge me or try to talk to me. Or try to apologise.

It’s ringing again.

I cry out, irked beyond belief. All I want is for it to stop. I can’t deal with this. Surging up from the bed I storm over to my door and seize the offending shorts. My vision is blurred – these are tears of anger – and it’s a struggle to find the opening of the pocket and get the   phone out. When I finally get it out, even though I’ve achieved my goal, I sink to my knees in defeat. I kneel there with my phone clutched in one hand and a pair of school shorts in the other.

I want this day to end.

Of course the phone has once more ceased ringing. With a sigh, I turn it over and stare at the screen for a moment before I can focus enough to read. Two missed calls. Both from Noh. Even while I’m looking at it, it starts to ring for the third time.

So he knows. If he’d just noticed my leaving, he wouldn’t keep phoning. He wouldn’t keep trying. Maybe he was going to tell me. Maybe he was just waiting for his idea of a good time. Either way, I’m not in the mood to talk to him right now. I’m not sure I’ll ever be. So this time I sit and wait for the ringing to stop. How long do phones normally ring for? This one seems to be taking an abnormally long time to ring out.

I can’t stand it.

I stumble clumsily to my feet, still holding onto those blue shorts. It’s like they’re my life line. Even if I hate them for what they symbolise. The school that I’m going to have to drag myself up and out for in the morning. Or do I? I’m too far gone to know what day it is.

A few heavy steps. I rub my eyes with the back of one hand. Back in my numb state I can’t remember starting crying again. This is a false calm. My heart is not okay. I am not okay.

When I reach the window, I gaze down at the gate with hopeless eyes and I see something I’m not expecting. I step quickly closer, my heart is racing.

Noh is standing by the gate. Watching my window. He meets my eyes and as he does, he presses dial again. My phone starts ringing but I don’t respond. I’m too busy staring at this boy. Watching the boy who had the power to ruin everything. To ruin Aim. But when I think about it, he didn’t. He kept it to himself and I suppose he must have done that for me. I hope he did that for me.

The shorts slip through limp fingers and fall gracelessly to my feet. With a small sigh (it’s a sob) I raise my phone, reject the call and start to write a text.

‘Please let me be alone for a while. I’ll call you -’

But he’s far too persistent. The phone starts ringing again and I know he won’t leave without an answer. I’m also sick of this noise. So I pick up, raising the phone slowly to my ear with a trembling hand.

“Noh.” I say, and my voice cracks on that one word. I sound destroyed. Lifeless. I’m shocked by how drained my own voice sounds. “Please… I just need to be alone. I’ll call you when I’m ready.”

If he says anything in response I don’t hear it. I hang up when I’ve said what I have to say and turn back to the room.

I don’t want to go to sleep because my dreams will be worse than my waking thoughts. I won’t achieve the oblivious state I’m yearning for.

This is going to be a long night.

A/N Thanks for reading, if you took the time <3 I literally just rambled and it ended up being roughly 2000 words O_O woah, how did I get here? Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it, sweeties ^.^ Have a lovely day (^.^)

((I make come back and revise this ;) or add another chapter... or something... anything...))