“Goodbye. Couldn’t say it until now, I’ve hurt you so many times.”

 

He apologized; the hand cradling the side of his face dropped and he turned around and left.

 

It was only when he barely hears the door to his apartment softly click close did he react. He let out a scream, filled with anger, and punched a wall. His breaths and heart loud in his ears as he continues punching the wall, grunting each time bones and cartilage meet concrete and blood splatters and drips. And on the fifth time, he let out another cry of anger – longer than the first – but it immediately dissipated into wails of pain and anguish. He drops to his knees, cradling his hand stained with blood, close to his chest. And he cries – bawls – in the middle of the room, for what seemed like an eternity.

 

His eyes flew open as he shot up in his bed, sheets pooling around his waist, his body tense and coated in a thin sheet of sweat, breaths short yet deep, panicky almost.

 

It was that dream again. Well more of a nightmare and one that has come from the past to haunt him relentlessly, always managing to catch him in its long sharp claws, tearing into his heart every time.

 

He stayed in his bed, taking slower, longer, deeper breaths to calm himself and the erratic beats of his heart. Soon enough, his heart calmed and his breaths weren’t as labored as before. Deciding that he was far too conscious to go back to sleep, he got up from bed and went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.  

 

To be honest, it had been a while since he had had that dream, almost a month now, and he was beginning to think that they were finally over. Maybe its because that day is just around the corner. A day he did not want to remember even if he had to die in exchange.

 

The rest of the night – or well the morning – was spent with him doing his usual routine, making coffee and breakfast, and since he had a lot more time than usual, he decided to make lunch for him to bring to work. Not until he realizes that his boss had forced him to take a break, as he was literally working non-stop even during the weekends, and spend time with his family or friends.

 

Jonghyun didn’t really have many friends – considering ‘he’ introduced most of them – and so deciding upon it, he went to pack his things to go to his parents’, back home for the time being. His hometown was relatively close, but the drive there would still be a long one, a few hours at the least.

 

Giving his parents an unexpected visit – even when the closest holiday was still a few months away – would certainly surprise them. But he didn’t mind, he hadn’t seen them in quite a while despite the many Skype calls they would share with his sister overseas.

 

~-~-~

 

Arriving at his old home, he was hit with a wave of nostalgia, and memories he was pleasantly reminded of. Not until he remembered every single embarrassing and idiotic thing he did when he was but a wee babe – well child – did he begin to repeatedly slam his head on the nearest wall he could find, which was the space between the front door and the window.

 

Disturbed by the unusual sounds, Jonghyun’s parents woke and answered the door. Jonghyun’s ritual of attempting to erase his memories was interrupted and his parents were shocked – in a good way – to see their son and immediately engulfed him in a hug. Words were exchanged, memories shared and soon after he was welcomed into the home as if he never left.

 

A day or two passed in peace, helping out with the chores around the house, working on his old hobby – writing – and lazing around when there is nothing to do. It was when he decided to go out for a walk with his puppy, now a full grown dog of course, in the park. He was met with a surprise he did not want. The good thing was, that the unwanted surprised hadn’t yet noticed, it seemed, and so Jonghyun quickly turned tail heading straight back home, of course trying not to draw any attention despite the slightly panicked look he wore.

 

When he reached home, his mind was swarmed with thoughts of ‘why?’ ‘How?’ and ‘I have to leave’. He shouldn’t have come here; he should’ve stayed and worked for longer, even if his boss did threaten to fire him. He knew he wouldn’t give up such a hard working employee.

 

“Why is he here?” Jonghyun questioned, thinking out loud in an attempt to sort out his erratic thoughts.

 

He paced back and forth in his old room, pulling at his hair, his breaths becoming shorter and more erratic. He was hyperventilating. He was panicking. He was going insane. He didn’t know what to do. Should he leave? Should he stay? Should he never leave the house ever again? Should he consider suicide? He didn’t know and that made everything worse. But a small part of his mind, the part that stayed rational, despite everything that he had been through in his life, calmed his panic and irrationality.

 

“He lives in D____, he can’t be here. It’s just your imagination. Its just someone that looks like him”

 

“Calm down,” it said, and Jonghyun followed. Taking deep breaths, closing his eyes. Jonghyun calmed himself down, agreeing with his rational side, he was just imagining things. ‘He’ couldn’t be here. It doesn’t make sense. And with that thought, Jonghyun continued with the rest of his day. Albeit still a little anxious.

 

~-~-~

 

“K____! K____! Where are you!”

 

No matter how much he shouts, his cries always falls short. Never reaching far enough. And so he ran around the area, around the neighborhood, around the city. Calling for ‘him’ and yet he gets nothing in response. Stopping people on the street, showing them a picture of ‘him’ gets him nowhere either.

 

It’s always a shake of a head, “I’m sorry”, “No”, “I haven’t seen him”.

 

Nothing helps and no one helps. He’s on his own and he is alone. Soon enough, he gives up after hours of searching through the night, falling to his knees in the middle of the sidewalk, leaning against the wall of a shop closing for the day. He laid there and did nothing but cry. Shedding silent tears of pain and longing.

 

He awoke with a start. Shooting up in his bed, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead and back, shirt wet and uncomfortably sticking to skin.

 

Today’s is different from the usual but still about ‘him’. And to add to things, he hadn’t had this dream before. He remembered the dream, or more specifically, the memory as clear as day.

 

‘He’ hadn’t return for hours and it was already way past the time ‘he’ promised ‘he’ would be home. Jonghyun was getting panicky, itching to leave and search the darkest corners of the city if need be. Turned out, ‘he’ was staying over at a friend’s and forgot to tell him.

 

Jonghyun then remembered the anger he felt when he found out, but immediately felt the guilt of his irrational anger and overreactions and the horrible things he did and said after. Remembering the tears running down ‘his’ face as he relentlessly threw insults and curses at ‘him’.

 

He spent the rest of the day in bed, occasionally getting up to eat or use the bathroom. Reminiscing in his memories, good and bad, sad and happy, small and big. He now cherished those memories, the ones of his childhood, when he left for college, the ones when he met ‘him’, the fights, the apologies, and the tears. He remembered everything and he cherished every single one. Jonghyun then fell asleep. Remembering the feeling of soft lips on his and hands and arms wrapped around his neck. And he thought to himself, “maybe this break wasn’t so bad after all.”

 

The next day, Jonghyun decides to return. Bidding goodbye to his parents despite their odd attempts in persuading him to stay at least one more day. Odd meaning, obviously unusual, but the tone of their voices were a little panicky, rushed as if they were hiding something. But he told them it was all right and left for the city.  

 

~-~-~

 

A few days passed and Jonghyun felt a little more liberated, just a little as he still harbored feelings for ‘him’.

 

But when he was driving to the office one morning, he got a call and immediately turned around, heading back to the location mentioned in between tears and sobs and hiccups.

 

~-~-~

 

Surrounded by nothing but white, with small hints of blue, and cold air, Jonghyun walked to the room directed by the person at the receptionist counter.

 

He entered the room and was greeted with a crowd of eyes. All staring at him, filled with sorrow, grief, pain, and clear words of condolences not being said for fear of breaking the peace of the two people sitting by the bed where Jonghyun was met with a sight he never wanted to see yet longed.

 

‘He’ lay there, not moving nor stirring. Eyes closed in slumber, beeps droning on and on in the background, punctuating the silence.

 

Jonghyun stood stock still by the door. He could do nothing but stare at the form on the bed, essentially lifeless. His senses were dulled. Objects and people moved as if he were watching a silent movie. Words spoken but none heard. People gave him hugs, but he never moved a single inch. His eyes still focused on the form on the bed. Disbelief. Shock. Uncertainty. It was all that was coursing through his veins at the moment. He just simply could not comprehend what his eyes were showing him.

 

~-~-~

 

The sight of Kim Kibum lying on the bed, in between his parents, with so many lines and tubes connected to machines and bags. It was heartbreaking but he has to live with it. They were no longer together of course which made things that much more unbearable yet at the same time, in a sick kind of way, bearable.

 

When the door opens, he looks up and finds another surprise, his old group of friends, the same three faces he met way back when. They were his closest friends. His brothers.

 

Their eyes met, and clearly shock was displayed, in their faces, in their eyes. But was quickly covered up.

 

“What are you doing here?” Minho asked, holding Taemin back who was ready to launch at Jonghyun.

 

“I’m here for Kibum,” Jonghyun replied, slowly getting suspicious with the looks he was receiving.

 

“Wait, you guys know about Kibum?” Jonghyun asks, realization dawning, standing up.

 

They each looked at each other, communicating with their eyes before Jinki steps up.

 

“Yes,” he answers slowly, cautiously, “we’ve known since the beginning.”

 

“What?” Jonghyun simply says, disbelief and anger quickly rising in his throat. He felt betrayed and by his very own friends to add. Ones he considered the closest, second to Kibum.

 

“Yes,” Jinki simply says.

 

“You knew?” Jonghyun’s voice was beginning to rise, “ALL OF YOU KNEW? AND YET YOU DIDN’T – “

 

“It was what Kibum wanted,” Jinki calmly replies once again, interrupting Jonghyun and maintaining his composure.

 

“THEN I WOULDN’T HAVE TO SUFFER FOR SO LONG!” Jonghyun butted back, “I WOULDN’T HAVE TO BLAME MYSELF FOR ALL THIS TIME! It would’ve been easier to cope with then.”

 

Jonghyun calms down midway through screaming, tears unconsciously rolling down his cheeks.

 

“I didn’t need to blame anyone.”

 

The others then engulfed him in a group hug, the dam holding back his tears broke and soft crying could be heard.

 

~-~-~

 

Days flew and nights passed, but still no good news whatsoever. Jonghyun traveled between work and the hospital, only going home for a change of clothes, as he sometimes showers in the toilet connected to the room. Jonghyun tries everyday, talking to Kibum, holding his hand, falling asleep beside his bed. Jonghyun tries and tries and tries. But to no avail, Kibum stays asleep for what seemed like forever.

 

Soon enough, the doctor gave them the news that they had to take Kibum off of life support.

 

Jonghyun excused himself, leaving through the door, but unable to leave Kibum’s side no matter.

 

“Goodbye. Couldn’t say it until now, I’ve hurt you so many times.”

 

His words then began repeating in his head – Kibum’s last words.

 

And now Jonghyun was filled with nothing but regret, the pain of his heart shattering once again as if someone threw a glass ornament already broken once – twice – and meticulously glued together after years and years of frustration and pain.

 

Jonghyun dropped to his knees, tears flowing once again but this time in silent anguish. The truth dawned on him. Regret coming in in huge waves, washing over him, surrounding him, drowning him, and pulling him deeper in the depths of darkness and pain.

 

Jonghyun could do nothing as the monitor stopped beeping, letting out a painfully piercing tone. Signaling the death of Kibum.

 

But it wasn’t long until he felt arms wrap around his neck from the back. Jonghyun then let out his cries, the embrace feeling so familiar, it felt as if Kibum was actually hugging him. But it wasn’t until he felt the very same lips he fell in love with land on his.

 

Realization and relief came after the pain, healing his wounds, washing away every other negative emotion. He pulled Kibum to his chest, his arms wrapping around the frail, thinner body of Kibum. Nuzzling his nose into Kibum’s hair, Jonghyun never stopped crying but this time for completely different reasons.