Written by lilac_xi

Genre: general, angst (???)

Summary: 

If I said it out, would everything be different now ?

A/N: This is my first fanfic that I wrote in english completely from the beginning to the end. Yes, I did use google translate and yes, I definitely did make some grammar mistakes but I don't even know where to fix T x T However, I really enjoy writing this one, I myself like it a lot (it's my first child anw). I hope you can enjoy reading it too (fingers crossed). 

together/forever.

He thought about all the words he didn’t say. If I said it out, would everything be different now? Those things might have been. Between him and that little boy. Except boy was still boy but at least, not little. Seungri looks like a man now, with his muscles and abs and his jujitsu uniform and his white blonde hair and his earing and his eyes and his smile and all of his friends and please stop, he whispered to himself. I can just stop right there, and take control, before my mind had a chance to push my illusion any further. I’m not sure I can handle it anymore.

He held his head in his hands. He buried his face in his warm, wet palms. He can’t tell it was coming from his skin or his eyes, or maybe from both. It didn’t matter, he felt a little smirk and he knew he didn’t smile. It was not funny like it used to be. Like it had to be. Like Seungri should be his and nobody’s. Not fan’s, not world’s, not even his mom’s nor his sister’s. No one’s.

Just his.

Because “Seungri’s mine”.

It was just too late, he checked the clock on the wall. It was midnight. How long had he been sitting here? In the dark of the kitchen inside his new apartment that he just bought last week, was still empty because he didn’t have enough time to go to interior shops and choose carefully everything he wanted to put in that place called home. He moved out of his house which where he had lived with his family for the last two years. It was a big house, and frankly there was enough space for few more families living together. But he had made his mind. And because Seungri had once said before, it would be nice if they could have breakfast with each other. Since that day he just can’t forget that one scene which had been seen and repeated for a million times over in his mind like an old mini theater screening one movie forever. Whenever he closed his eyes at nights, or even days (sometimes), he kept seeing Seungri’s smiley face sparkling in the morning light right in front of him, with his sleepy eyes and he was wearing his favorite pajamas, and his messy hair smelled like a field of blooming rose mixed with some other scents that cannot be named. Seungri was drinking coffee in his pale blue mug; on the table there was a huge plate of toasts and sausages and scrambled eggs which were still too hot to put it on tongue. The radio was playing a Taru’s song, her transparent voice filled every inch in the kitchen, through his ears, touched his heart, made his fingers shivering when Seungri raised his head up and suddenly their eyes met. He will cry for that. He had cried for that though. So many times. Too many times. He was sitting in the kitchen. It was the same with the one in his hopeless imagination. But there was no Seungri. No coffee. No light. He bought this place too rushed and had probably forgotten to tell the landlord to change the name in the contract to his name. The whole world could had a good sleep tonight. They didn’t know where he was at this very moment.

He felt alone. He always felt this kind of loneliness every second of every day since he was born. It was bearable, he can take it with him until whenever. He even thought that without it, he was not himself anymore. It was heavy and was more like a burden than a gift, but it was all he got in the end. But since the day he met Seungri, he changed his mind. He was scared of being lonely. He was tense when he was left alone. He had nightmares every nights. He had tears all over his face and pillows. It was hard to sleep in his own bed. Then one day he woke up at 2 AM and he can’t sleep again. Even today he still can't.

Because “Seungri’s mine”.

This thought had killed him. Over and over again. He had written a lot of songs. His main theme was love. Well that was fair enough. It was the only thing he knew and the only thing the world and he shared in common. They knew about that feeling, and he knew how to exploit it. Investing it, giving it melody, singing it out loud, and exposing a little of his heart. He had bleeded every single word to link his emotions and his thoughts to others’. He was praised and worshipped and they called him genius, they put money in his pocket and expected him for more. And he just gave them whatever they asked. Even if it meant he had to bleed to death in the end.

Because Seungri was not him, never be, and never will. Because Seungri had claimed that he belongs to his own before he belongs to anyone else. Because Seungri liked him and respected him, and there was nothing in between. Please don’t mess things up, okay? The younger boy spoke to his older brother’s face, and all he remembered of that day was the intense red light covered the small park where every tree was burning under the fading sky, right before they all turned into ashes. He was still bleeding. More than ever. His songs ranked higher, his heart dropped lower. People had considered his name as a national brand, so he should better learn how to live with that. He had bought fancy cars, all of his friends had name in A+ celebrity list, he had appeared at all kind of party, he didn’t use his birth name when he introducing himself everywhere he had invited, and he had a girlfriend who was a popular foreigner model. Someone who was equal. Someone who he didn’t have to meet too often but just once or twice a year. Someone who he felt comfortable to be with, but didn’t choose to be with. He had his own option already, and it will always be his only wish.

His only dream. Because he was a rich kid, and he had made such a good fortune at very young age. He was on top of the world, and everything he wanted he had. But just like the poorest person alive, he had dreamed. With his eyes opened. He walked around the world while watching his own body moving like a well-programmed robot. He still worked perfectly to fit in, to not stand out, to be the finest soldier in the battle. But his mind, oh his mind, was just so ed up and he was aware of it. Especially when Seungri coming out of nowhere and this little kid’s cologne was the air that his lung desperately craved. He breathed as if the very next second he will die. But who was he kidding now, he thought, I’m already dead for years.

Because Seungri’s eyes were the mirror that he just wanted to look forever. He can see his best reflection when he looked into this boy’s pupils. He felt strong even just for a while, and he swore there was nothing in the world can stop him moving forward. No storm was strong enough, no wound was hurt enough, no pain lasted forever. He sunk into it, after all he was a good swimmer. Seungri was the deepest stage of the ocean where sun ray can’t touch and weirdest fishes rule. He had been there before. He wanted to go back and had a new life and never leave.

You are G-Dragon, one night, after kissing each other, Seungri sat in the middle of the couch. His fingers lingering in his lover’s hair, who was too busy right now rubbing his face on Seungri’s shirt. Yes, I am, he said, giggling while turning his body to look straight into Seungri’s presence so he could dive into it so deep he would never emerge again. Seungri didn’t reply. He didn’t see it at odd thing at all. Seungri was not a talkative person no matter how hard he try to act like one on broadcast. Seungri was really quiet whenever his head was in its own progress and it literally was all the time. Seungri was always thinking, about nothing and everything. Seungri was worried about a lot of stuffs which clearly never happen. But that’s why I love him, he mumbling with himself. However, this time, he felt something different. It was not the familiar silence he had experienced whenever he was with Seungri. It was not the comfortable darkness and the gentle warmth that he missed so much when he had to go far for a few days and those days were just too miserable to breathe. He got up, this time he took a closer look to Seungri’s face, so close he can count how many eyelashes Seungri had. So what, he then asked. He smiled after that, but it was an awkward one which he usually put on when the press demanded him to make “a happy face for the first page tomorrow”. He hated that smile so much he almost cried when he realized he had made it again unconsciously with Seungri was next to him. So you are G-Dragon, Seungri repeated. And he didn’t say anything anymore. He left that night. That was the last time he said goodbye, or goodnight, and none of which was incorrect.

He had spent his long vacation to think about what happened that night. He had stayed in his new apartment, dreaming about a bright future he could have here with Seungri. They will make a home, go to interior shops and buy furniture from the catalogue. He knew how much Seungri likes shopping. Every morning, when he wakes up, the first thing lies on his bare skin will be Seungri’s breathing sound, and he won’t replace it with anything in the whole world, even the whole universe. He was not good at cooking which was one of few weaknesses he had, but it didn’t bother him much. Because it meant Seungri will cook for him. By a tender sleepy voice, Seungri will ask him what he wants for breakfast. You, he will replies like that, and Seungri will turn red, his lips become a straight line and his eyes are full of love. That. He thought, that would be the end of the world. I’m king of this kingdom, I cannot die. I have him and we will stay in our own hell. So Earth, you and your heaven should blow up right there.

Reality was a totally different story. Planet Earth was still here, and something else was broken instead. His heart was torn in sporadic pieces, most of them stayed inside Seungri’s left chest. He can’t just go there and tear Seungri apart so he could take his own heart out without ruining Seungri’s heart. Because his broken heart was wrapped around by Seungri’s and this was the reason why he had just accepted the fact that nothing can cure him, love had abandoned him for good. But Seungri, Seungri will be loved forever.

He can live with that. Yes.

When the clock ringing for five times, Jiyong looked out the window. He saw the dawn, a breathtaking scenery that he had rarely witnessed. Then he heard his own voice saying, I hope, at this very moment, you are happy.

And Jiyong guessed, he was happy. Although it was impossible to explain it to others. There were some specific moments in our life that crying didn’t mean one was suffering from pain. At least not physical pain, of course not.

End.