My Hands, Oh So Cordiform

They had not seen each other in so long, the simple fact that they were now standing one in front of the other was almost mind boggling. After months of imagining what would actually happen in this moment, after hoping for it to happen for so long, Tao ended looking more shocked that it was even possible. They were in the same room, at the same time for two different shows but nonetheless, the fact remained that they were near. So near that it made Tao shake at the possibilities. Maybe he could apologize for his childish thoughts, his childish behavior and also request an explanation as to why the other never told him he was leaving. 

As they stared at the other, Tao was forming a plan. Apology first and then questions relating to the disappearing act. Only, as soon as his mouth opened, he screwed up, yet again. Instead of a calm and collected voice, came the strangled voice of a pre-pubescent boy. Squeaky and cracking all over the place, Tao started to tear up as Kris, no Yi Fan, looked at him with regret and something more. An edge which Tao hadn't expected. An edge which was not easy to forget. Instead, it brought back memories of their time together and as his voice cracked more and more as sorry escaped his vocal box so many times until they started to raise in volume and instead of a simple conversation, it turned into a screaming match with one participant unusually quiet. 

"Why didn't you tell me you were leaving. You had promised never to do that again. Not to me, not to us, not to them. Why did you even promise me something you knew you couldn't keep. Why the did I believe in you when all you ever did was break my heart, you stupid piece of ! I hate you, I hate you so damn much. I don't want to see you again. Leave, you coward, I hate you. Leave like you always do!" His voice was harsh to the ear, his countenance shaking with all the mixed emotions coursing through his veins. "I hate you so much," Tao said while breaking down and sobbing in front of his ex-boyfriend who had broken his heart over and over again. 

And while Tao was giving his emotions free-reign, Yi Fan stood there and looked into Tao's eyes with the most respect he could gather in them. Looking at his face, his eyes while almost smiling. He was pleased to see him again despite the turn of events. Only, while Tao was building up his anger all over again, accusing him of doing all of it on purpose, on having a girlfriend on the side, on so many things because he was broken down… Yi Fan did the only thing he could think of. He dropped to his knees in front of Tao and with square shoulders, did a heart with his thumbs and fingers on his lap. His gaze steady as it looked into the other's eyes, he smile softly, almost too softly for anyone to notice the actual happiness. 

The ranting came to a stop and Tao took all the air he could manage into his lungs, crying all over again as memories of their time together flashed in front of his eyes. Curling his hand into Kris' hair, he dropped to his knees also, and wrapped his arms around the other's waist, burying his face into the hair. The contrast between his almost lilac hair and the brown of Yi Fan's hair showed just how differently they faced things. From the head-on Tao to the clear-headed Yi Fan, it was clear that the oldest had won brownie point with his heart shaped fingers, a concept he had started when they started dating. 

"Take it back," Yi Fan finally said, the first time he talked with Zi Tao, first time uttering words. The words left Tao confused until he lowered his eyes and saw the same heart still on Kris' lap. 

"Take it back, Tao. Take it back or give it back. I can't live like this anymore, not knowing if you want me or not. Tell me if I still have a chance to win your heart and if I don't, walk out of this room, please. Let me have my pride intact." 

Tears streaming down his face, Tao took a deep gulp of air, his nose pressed against Kris' hair, a smile turning sour for a moment or two. 

"I can't take it back, Yi Fan…" his voice dropping low, his hand whipping the tears away. "Cause it never really left, right?" And at that, oh at that, Yi Fan smiled sincerely for the first time on what seemed so long. A smile that brought light to the whole room, to the whole heart that Zi Tao carried everywhere which had turned darker each day they were separated. 

"Yes, it never left Tao. It never will. I made a mistake by leaving you without a word, without them knowing, but it never stopped me from loving you. It never did and it never will. Huang Zi Tao, I have loved you as if the present would never end, as if the next tomorrow I was to wake up with you by my side. I have loved you until this precise moment and even more. I have loved you like the man you have always wanted to have by your side, Tao, eternally, selfishly but also selflessly." 

A hand reached out towards the heart-shaped ones and hooked his own cordiform shaped hands above. They were still one.