It was horrible timing with yet another comeback looming over their heads, but Jonghyun simply couldn’t take it anymore. He had kept it all bottled up within himself for years, and he didn’t think he could handle another comeback full of fanservice with Key. Every time there was a moment between the two, Jonghyun felt a dull ache from deep inside himself, a longing for the touches and glances to mean something more than just friendship or work. He knew he wouldn’t be able to brush off any interactions with Key if he didn’t get the feelings off his chest and into the open. He wasn’t necessarily looking for Kibum to reciprocate his feelings -- he knew the chance of it was slim to none -- he just wanted the younger to know that those feelings existed so he could be more careful with his heart.

That is why he stood at Kibum’s doorstep, a dinner of chicken and beer inside the bags clutched in his hands. He was determined to get years worth of feelings and heartache out into the open, hoping that it could start a healing process. He had already been through a lot because of his feelings for Key, but he didn’t particularly regret falling for him. He had been used by his company, thrown into a relationship, harassed by colleagues and fans alike on the matter, but his feelings for his group mate had made him into the man he was.

Jonghyun had always had the dream of being a lyricist and composer since childhood, long before he had dreams of becoming a singer, but he never had a particular person who inspired him. That was, until he became friends with Kibum. They were only trainees and they were hardly friends, but there was something that pulled Jonghyun to the boy that seemed so quiet yet determined to become something other than the smalltown guy in a big city. He became an inspiration to Jonghyun because of that, because of his determination and will to become someone, to be someone who was proud of himself, despite other’s thoughts.

Jonghyun didn’t know it at the time, but the fact that Kibum stepped into his life was going to change it all. It was going to make him a much stronger person, as well as a more fragile one. Jonghyun had always been one to wear his heart on his sleeve. but when he discovered his feelings for his friend, he buried them deep inside himself. Not out of shame, but out of fear. He feared what would happen to their to-be group, to their friendship, if anyone found out. He was terrified of what Kibum would think if he found out at first, but he let himself hope for a while after debut. That hope was short lived because the fear set in quickly again when he sat that the few fans the had had started to see something between them too.

Dread set in shortly afterwards when they were encouraged to keep their overly friendly (in management’s eyes) act by managers and superiors because the fans liked it. Jonghyun thought it would be okay at that point -- only because he got to spend his time with Key, he got to stare at him like the love sick idiot he was, he got to touch the younger boy as if it held no deeper, secret meaning.

That all worked out for quite a while. All of it seemed easy going in the eyes of the people watching and their friendship was perfect behind closed doors.

Until the company and others decided it was too much. Jonghyun had previously mentioned having a couple of celebrity crushes, and SM had heard him loud and clear. Shin Sekyung was just as much a friend as anyone at that time. She wasn’t the horrible person some crazed fans made her out to be, she was a sweet girl, stubborn as hell, but smart. Neither could object to being in the relationship once their companies threw them into it, but both knew that it was not what it was made to look like. They did go on dates, Jonghyun enjoyed them quite a bit, threw himself into them to relieve himself from the crushing weight of his feelings for Key and at one point he thought he had a chance to let go of them. He was willing to try something real with Sekyung, but she shot him down. She knew Jonghyun, and she wouldn’t let him hide behind a fake happiness to shield his heart. She had become one of his most valued friends, but there came a time where they had to part. She decided it, and Jonghyun had been genuinely heartbroken over it.

He had to face his reality all over again, to see how much he had hurt his best friend while he had checked out of the real world.

Kibum didn’t act the same way as he used to around Jonghyun.

Jonghyun had come to realize through Onew, Minho, and Taemin that he had brushed his friendship with Kibum to the side too many times while he was in his own little world, trying to pretend like he had regained a part of his heart.

Kibum had found new friends, and Jonghyun had a taste of what it felt like to be pushed to the side and replaced.

Jonghyun wallowed in his feelings for a very long time after that, writing sad song after sad song until his fellow members decided to intervene. After an afternoon of being locked in the linen closet of the dormitory with Key, he apologized and he was forgiven reluctantly. Things went back to normal after that for the most part, but they still needed to be careful with their actions in front of their fans.

The years passed by that way, things like they used to be, but more careful.

They were as close as they used to be, but they were no longer kids that could pretend that things were simpler than they really were. They grew up to be men that knew that the world was far more complicated.

But they had become stronger than most.

Jonghyun’s heart was more protected than it ever had been, especially around Kibum.

That was until recently.

The incident at Tokyo Dome had hit Jonghyun a lot harder than anything had before.

He watched Key cry on that massive stage before thousands of their fans and at one point it became too much. Jonghyun knew those tears were nearly the same as the tears a younger version on Kibum had cried. The only difference now was that the tears that fell from his eyes were brought up because of a feeling of accomplishment.

He had finally made himself proud.

Jonghyun saw himself there too, so he didn’t fight the urge to hold the younger any longer.

He still didn’t know how long he stood there holding Key and crying-- he was too embarrassed to watch the damn DVD and find out -- but he knew that the last of the walls between them crumbled in that moment. They were truly back to being the friends that they had once been, but it also broke another wall inside of Jonghyun.

For months, it had been eating away at him.

Jonghyun was done hiding things from Kibum, so he raised his fist up to the door and knocked.

I'm not even sure how long this'll be? xD

It started off as a thought for a oneshot after a conversation about jongkey with a friend (you know who you are ene), but then it just got much longer than I intended it to be and then I just thought to break it into two parts, but now... I'm not so sure lol I kind of want to take it on as a project throughout this coming era, but only if people are really interested in it! Please comment and leave me your thoughts on the chapter and the future of this story! :D