{the beginning}

Official Soundtrack

I feel lifeless. Numb and in capable of feeling a single human emotion. No, I'm not a cold blooded body stuffed in a polyethylene plastic bag. I'm still alive. Alive when I really shouldn't be. 

I shook my legs absentmindedly as I hear the clock tick its life away as silence filled the cream coloured walls of the room. I had the tip of my thumb against my lip, biting the top ends of my nails as my psychiarist stared at me patiently with pity blatant in her own brown eyes. She was waiting for me to answer her usual question and that was the typical: "how are you?" With a million thoughts running their own marathon in my head, I couldn't find the correct words and construct a comprehending sentence to answer such a mundane question. I was distracted and she knew but she never pushed and waited for me instead. I was diagnosed with Psychotic depression a few weeks ago after having finally seeked help from a mental health professional. I found out for about half a year, I had such an imbalance in my head that made me feel the way I feel. My train of thoughts came to an abrupt stop and for a moment and I realised I had been awfully quiet and unresponsive. I looked up at her, peeling my gaze away from the floor and meeting her eyes. 

"Like I'm slowly being eaten alive.", I stated rather openly. I curled both of my hands and hovered them against each side of my head as I furrowed my brows in thought. "The feeling of being slowly burnt...to death seems a more accurate description of what's going on here.", I pointed the tip of my right index finger towards one of my temples as I attempted to engage properly this time round. To that I watched as she nodded her head and scribbled  notes along the blank page of her notepad.

She fixed her eyes back to me after having written down a sentence and asked me of my plans for this week shortly afterwards. But I had nothing planned. I never intended to go out of my apartment and distract myself. I physically, emotionally and mentally couldn't bring myself to leave my bed, let alone leave the compound of the place I lived. 
"Nothing.", I spoke quietly as I slowly shook my head while I fixed my eyes on the glazed wooden floor below me. 
There was a brief silence between us and at this point in time, I knew that she was trying to construct a candid sentence while still attempt in being sympathetic about my situation and honestly, it made me feel so much worse. It's not that she was poor at her job, she was just obvious. 

"Jongin...you need put yourself out there you know? It does help as time moves on.", she finally adviced after moments of silence. I hadn't realised it first but as the pain of my fingernails digging into the skin of my palm started to creep in, that's when I noticed I had been curling my fingers way too hard and for too long that it left pi