When Hongbin and Sanghyuk–-previously met at the metro station closest to Wonshik’s dorm–-arrive, Hongbin feels a little playful. He stops at the top of the staircase, and Sanghyuk stops with him.

“What’s wrong?” Sanghyuk asks.

“Which one do you think it is?” Hongbin asks, pointing around the corridor, around all of the doors, looking up at Sanghyuk. He almost lets envy wash over him when he realizes how much he has to tilt his head up when he’s standing this close to Sanghyuk, but then Sanghyuk purses his lips, thinking, and that’s a lot more important than their height difference.

“Maybe the one where someone’s blasting this obnoxious hiphop music?” he guesses, glancing at Hongbin.

“Clever,” Hongbin grins, and steps to the door of said room.

He knocks as hard as he can, and Wonshik opens the door a few seconds later. He lets them in with a grin, taking the grocery bags full of booze from them. Hongbin immediately steps to the speakers Wonshik has connected to his laptop, turning the volume down.

“Where are your friends?” Wonshik asks, absentmindedly reaching out for the volume control, breaking into an impromptu finger wrestling match with Hongbin who refuses to let him turn the sound back up.

“They should be here in twenty minutes,” Sanghyuk says, checking the time on his phone. “Neither of them is very punctual and they’re even worse when they’re together.”

“It’s okay,” Wonshik says, finally giving up on turning the music up, stepping to his desk where he has a number of plastic cups out, unscrewing the cap of a bottle of vodka and pouring some into three cups along with some Sprite. He hands two of the cups to Hongbin and Sanghyuk, taking one for himself as well. “We’ll be in a better mood by the time they arrive.”

“Not me,” Hongbin mumbles, holding his cup up for cheers.

Wonshik gulps his own drink down like it’s a glass of water, pouring some more for himself, and Sanghyuk takes a sip of his own as he sits down on Taekwoon’s messy bed next to Hongbin.

“Can’t drink?” he asks.

“High alcohol tolerance,” Hongbin sighs.

“That .”

“Tell me about it.”

Sanghyuk drinks almost half of his vodka-Sprite mix, and smiles at Hongbin, wrapping an arm around his neck, pulling him closer just a little.

“It’s okay. We can still have fun, right?”

Hongbin nods, a faint blush appearing on his cheeks. He tries to tell himself that it’s the alcohol, that it doesn’t mean anything, Sanghyuk’s arm around his neck is nothing but a friendly gesture, but it’s no use trying to fool himself: Sanghyuk hasn’t even drunk half of Wonshik’s too sweet concoction–he can’t be drunk. He stops thinking too much and tries to drink all of his own vodka-Sprite instead.

They’re all drinking their third cup when Sanghyuk gets a call from Hakyeon demanding to be let into the dorm. Wonshik slides his feet into his slippers and leaves the room to go downstairs for the new guests, and as soon as the door closes behind him, Sanghyuk puts his cup onto the desk, lying down on Taekwoon’s bed, his legs reaching over the edge.

“God, so woozy,” he mutters, closing his eyes, furrowing his brow.

Hongbin, sitting by him, looks down at Sanghyuk’s face, mentally slapping himself when he realizes that he’s smiling fondly at the boy’s grimace.

“Are you this much of a lightweight?” Hongbin asks.

Sanghyuk opens his eyes, visibly forcing himself to focus on Hongbin’s face. He lifts his right arm, his hand lingers in the air above Hongbin’s fingers that clutch his cup, but then he lets it fall back onto the mattress. Hongbin tries to ignore the bitter disappointment that spreads in his stomach.

“No, usually I’m not,” Sanghyuk says, his words coming out as slurs, but they’re still mostly decipherable. “I just didn’t have dinner. Or lunch, for that matter.”

“Why?” Hongbin inquires.

He finds it ridiculous that he feels the urge to chastise Sanghyuk for doing something so stupid, because, really, who is he to worry about this boy?

“Didn’t have time for it,” Sanghyuk shrugs and rolls onto his side, burying his face into Taekwoon’s pillow.

Hongbin wants to tell him that he’ll go down to the small convenience store nearby to get some food if he wants, but then the door opens, and it suddenly becomes very noisy in the room.

“And then Hongbin was like ‘I’m not his boyf–‘” Hakyeon stops his blabbering to Wonshik mid-sentence when he spots Hongbin and Sanghyuk on the bed, and Hongbin quickly jumps to his feet. He would very much like to punch Hakyeon but he doesn’t, so he makes a mental note to later thank his parents that they raised him as a polite person. “Oh, hello.”

A grin spreads very slowly on Hakyeon’s face, and Jaehwan makes an annoying ‘ohhh’ noise. Hongbin glances at Wonshik who looks awestruck, his eyes flickering between Sanghyuk and Hongbin, and finally settle on Hongbin’s scrunched nose. He raises his eyebrows, getting an eye roll from Hongbin in return.

“Sorry for disturbing,” Jaehwan says in a tone that suggests that he, in fact, is not sorry about it at all.

They put a bunch of oranges, a package of cinnamon and two more bottles on the desk: a bottle of tequila and a whisky. The whole sight makes Hongbin’s stomach do backflips, but he doesn’t dwell much on it, because he feels an arm around his waist, startling him. Sanghyuk pulls himself into sitting position, smiling at Hongbin with half-lidded eyes when their gazes meet.

“Any plans for tonight?” Hakyeon asks, sitting on Wonshik’s chair with a cup almost full of whisky, sipping it cautiously. He gestures at Sanghyuk, saying: “I mean, apart from being too touchy-feely with each other.”

“You’re misunderstanding it…” Hongbin grumbles, but doesn’t take Sanghyuk’s arm off his body.

“Sure, just like I did a few days ago,” Hakyeon answers happily.

“We can go to a club if you want,” Wonshik says, opening one of his drawers.

He pulls out a number of things: a tiny plastic bag with greenish-brownish contents that Hongbin knows well enough, a tiny, flat paper box, a bigger one, and a small piece of paper rolled up. Hongbin watches as Wonshik rolls the joint with a little bit of disapproval just like he’s done so many times in the past.

‘Not exactly legal, but it brings money,’ Wonshik told him the first time Hongbin discovered this branch of his numerous insidious business, and he looked regretful, smiling at Hongbin with a tiny bit of sadness in his eyes. Hongbin asked him then whether he was also a consumer of his business tool,and Wonshik said no, but that was almost a year ago.

Hongbin snaps out of his thoughts when Sanghyuk’s arm disappears from around his waist, and the boy stands up, wobbling to the desk to refill his cup.

“I don’t think you should drink any more,” Hongbin says, stepping to him.

“Don’t worry,” Sanghyuk says, pouring some clear vodka into his cup, smiling at Hongbin when he’s done. “I’ll be okay. And if not… I hope I can trust you to show me the toilet because those two definitely won’t.”

“I’d rather not,” Hongbin sighs. “But I will, if I have to.”

Sanghyuk drops his left hand down, his fingers carefully brushing against Hongbin’s and then wrapping around his palm, squeezing it just a little. Hongbin’s heart rate doubles and he starts shaking, but then he hears a boisterous laughter coming from the direction of the window, and Sanghyuk lets go of his hand.

By the open window stand Jaehwan, Wonshik and Hakyeon, and Wonshik is about to laugh his off when Jaehwan chokes on the smoke he inhales, seemingly trying to extinguish the burning sensation in his throat by grabbing Hakyeon’s cup and taking a big gulp. The reason why Wonshik and Hakyeon now have tears in their eyes from laughing is that Jaehwan gets even worse from the pure whisky in Hakyeon’s cup.

“Are you okay?” Hongbin asks, awkwardly patting Jaehwan’s back while the other coughs. He grabs one of the water bottles on the desk. “Here, drink some.”

Jaehwan nods, opens the bottle and drinks about half of the water.

“Hyung, that is not for you,” Sanghyuk shakes his head slowly from where he is sitting on Taekwoon’s bed now, leaning against the wall.

“Shut up, brat,” Jaehwan mumbles, downing a tequila shot.

Hongbin suddenly feels like he’s the fifth wheel in the circle. Jaehwan eyes the tequila bottle lovingly, possibly reading the label, humming a song to himself; Wonshik and Hakyeon stand shoulder to shoulder in front of the window, passing the joint between each other after every drag, and Hakyeon’s left hand slowly makes its way into the right back pocket of Wonshik’s jeans, at which Wonshik only smiles with closed mouth, keeping the smoke down for a few seconds; Sanghyuk closes his eyes, sipping his vodka, furrowing his brow when it burns his oesophagus; and Hongbin… Hongbin stands in the middle of all this, half-sober, trying to drink more, because he feels oddly left out.

Just when he empties his cup and finally becomes uncomfortably light-headed, he feels fingers fumbling with his hand, sliding in between his, the two hands lacing together, and Sanghyuk yanks him towards the bed.

Hongbin stands astonished; looking down at Sanghyuk watching him with his eyes glazed over with intoxication. Sanghyuk then glances at their entwined fingers, brushing his thumb across Hongbin’s.

“Your hands are tiny,” he says in an amused tone, twisting his wrist a little, examining said body part.

“I’m…” Hongbin starts stupidly, because his brain takes a lot more time to process information than usually. “I… yeah. Yeah, they’re small.”

“Mm,” Sanghyuk hums as if he was actually waiting for this exact answer. “I noticed it the first time I saw you. But I never would have thought it’d feel this tiny in mine. It’s cute.” He blinks up at Hongbin, a precious smile spreading on his face. “You’re cute.”

“Huh?” Hongbin deadpans. “Uh, you too. Actually, you’re the cute one between us two.”

“It’s nice that you think so,” Sanghyuk replies and holds Hongbin’s hand to his cheek, pressing it to the hot, flushed skin, closing his eyes. “I like you a lot, you know.”

It’s weird, weird, weird; so alien to Hongbin he feels like disappearing into quicksand willingly–he just wants to get out of the situation. He strengthens himself, though; he’s always run away from moments like this, even when he was so lonely he felt like he was the only one in the world whose heart didn’t have a counterpart out there, that no person in seven billion people would be able to love him. He’s always run away when someone kissed the back of his hand, when someone combed through his hair with their fingers while whispering sweet nothings into his ear, when, after spending a night holding someone so close he could feel the reflection of their heartbeat in his chest, he got a goodbye kiss on his forehead, endearing texts chasing him through the following days, only stopping when he ignored them for two entire weeks.

Hongbin has always been lonely and miserably so. He would throw things to the wall in the middle of the night to prevent the tears from sliding down his face, and sing the most pathetic-sounding songs to himself in the bathroom only because he never gave a chance to anybody who tried to become a little intimate with him.

But he lets Sanghyuk press his hand to his cheek now, and he puts his cup down, reaches out to caress Sanghyuk’s hair gently even though he’s shaking and wants to throw up from the unbearable mixture of alcohol and anxiety in his stomach.

Maybe, he thinks, but just maybe it will be worth risking getting hurt this time; maybe, but just maybe Sanghyuk will be able to break through his shell and move under it to watch over him. Maybe, but just maybe Sanghyuk can be the person who will be able to love him.

“Are you two lovebirds coming with us?”

Hongbin glances at Hakyeon, narrowing his eyes at him when he notices that Hakyeon’s hand is still in Wonshik’s back pocket. Who are the lovebirds, really?

“Where?” Sanghyuk slurs, lowering their hands but not letting go of Hongbin’s.

“The club ‘round the corner,” Hakyeon replies. “Star– Star– what’s the name of it?”

“Starlight,” Wonshik helps him.

“Sleepy,” Sanghyuk murmurs.

“You?” Wonshik turns to Hongbin, looking expectant.

“I-I don’t know… He… He…” Hongbin points at Sanghyuk in the end, giving up on finding the right words.

“Okay,” Wonshik says, putting on a sweater over his T-shirt. “Then you stay here and if you want to do something nasty, do it on Taekwoon’s bed.”

“We don’t want to do anything nasty,” Hongbin replies firmly and feels proud when his tongue doesn’t stumble over the words.

“Apart from puking,” Sanghyuk sighs with his eyes shut tight. “Possibly.”

Wonshik puts his wallet and a packet of cigarettes into the pocket of his jeans, and steps to the door, waiting until Hakyeon manages to pull Jaehwan up from the chair.

“Cute,” is what Jaehwan says when he looks back at Hongbin and Sanghyuk from the doorway.

“I know, right?” Hakyeon replies, grimacing. “Nauseating.”

Hongbin wants to snarl at him, but before he could get his facial muscles to work, the door closes.

He feels dizzy; the plain white walls surrounding him blur at the corners, and he has to steady himself, grabbing the backrest of Wonshik’s chair for support when he releases Sanghyuk’s hand and pads to the desk to put the boy’s empty cup down.

Sanghyuk lies down on Taekwoon’s bed now, turns onto his right side, occasionally emitting suffering groaning noises. Hongbin makes his way back towards him, crouches down next to the bed, holding onto the frame for support, and watches as Sanghyuk tries to take deep breaths, keeping his mouth closed as tight as he can with his eyes shut. The alcohol makes Hongbin bold enough to initiate skinship: he reaches out for Sanghyuk’s bangs, sweeping them out of his face, wondering how someone’s eyes can look so beautiful even when they’re closed.

“Hongbin-ah…” Sanghyuk mumbles, and if Hongbin were sober, he would definitely be surprised by the lack of formalities.

“Yeah?”

Sanghyuk lets out a sigh and opens his eyes, although it seems it takes a lot of energy out of him. He smiles; his lips are cherry-red from his high blood pressure, a flush tinting his cheeks and the bridge of his nose pink. He raises his left arm into the air heavily, gesturing with his fingers for Hongbin to climb onto the bed.

Hongbin does so, even though it’s a single bed. He lies down facing Sanghyuk, the younger’s arm wrapping around his waist, making Hongbin feel awkward, because he has no idea where to put his own arm. He rests it on Sanghyuk’s hip in the end, and he might giggle a little at it, but he’s not sure if it actually happens or if he just thinks about it.

“Are you planning to sleep here?” Hongbin asks, just to do something.

“Will you sleep here with me?” Sanghyuk asks, and even under the drunken film on his eyes, Hongbin can see the mischievous glint.

“Do you want me to?”

Sanghyuk scoots a little closer, his nose touching Hongbin’s, giving it a few slight nudges while grinning as he closes his eyes yet again. He angles his head differently and now his lips brush against Hongbin’s–not much, but enough for Hongbin’s heart to feel like it’s going to burst, like it’s going to explode in his chest in the next second.

“Yeah,” Sanghyuk replies, his lips moving against Hongbin’s.

Hongbin waits, but it doesn’t happen. Sanghyuk doesn’t kiss him, doesn’t move away either; his hand rubs circles on the small of Hongbin’s back, his fingers slipping under the rolled up hem of his T-shirt, and Hongbin wants to scream, wants to yell at Sanghyuk to kiss him already, because he can’t do it, can’t take the first step, but he wants it so much it makes his limbs tingle and his lips burn.

He tries to move a little, get even closer, but Sanghyuk pulls back and wiggles lower, his forehead pressing against Hongbin’s chest.

“Not now,” he whispers into Hongbin’s shirt, his breath hot against Hongbin’s skin under the fabric. “I want to be sober when it happens.”

“Okay, me too,” Hongbin lies.

Sanghyuk sighs into his shirt, and probably falls asleep a few moments later, because the fingers stop tickling the skin on Hongbin’s back and little puffs of air hit his chest evenly. Tears sting Hongbin’s eyes when he thinks about tomorrow, about what will happen after this, about Sanghyuk who looks genuinely interested in him and is sleeping in his arms now, but everything is vague and fuzzy and unsure.

And as he tightens his hold around Sanghyuk, he feels his heart ache with something he hasn’t felt for a while, something that scares him more than the shadows of the night.

Hongbin dreads falling in love, but he feels more and more like there’s no way back this time.