luhan sighs and reluctantly tears his eyes away from the closed door, he’ll be late again if he wait any longer but luhan cannot seem to bring himself to walk away from his place. he can hear his mother’s voice coming downstairs calling for him, reminding luhan of his cooling breakfast. luhan, however, hears the sound of his heart plummeting in his stomach louder than any other noise. his fingers curls inside his palm, clenching almost tightly to leave marks of nails digging in as he attempts for another knock that goes purposefully unheard by the person inside the room.

“luhan!”

he gets startled by his mother’s voice, echoing all over the second floor. he turns around instantly, afraid of the scolding he will surely get for stalling. but his mother’s features slowly melts into something luhan cannot quite decipher what and he’s suddenly embarrassed for getting caught in the act. she walks towards him with careful steps, wrapping her small and warm hand around his fist before lowering them. luhan lowers his gaze as well, she squeezes his hand and luhan understands.

two weeks in the household, luhan understood what his mother wants to say.

“i’ll talk to him, okay?” he nods. “you go down there and have your breakfast, you’ll be late for school.”

luhan doesn’t mind he thinks, wants to say, but the man sitting downstairs at the dining table reading the morning news paper with his cup of black coffee wouldn’t like it and luhan has yet to earn his blessing.

frail fingers crawl up to his collar, fixing his polo shirt. he looks down on her, wanting to see reassurance. “he’ll come around, don’t worry.”

she offers a small smile that felt more like for herself rather than for her son. luhan notices the alarming bags under her eyes, the lines that seem permanent in her eyebrows, and wonders if he has the right to feel anything at all from the sudden change in his life if more than one person is going through a hard time. he glances back at the door and nods.

luhan understands.

-

school has been less bearable to luhan, some people just don’t know how to take a time and allow their students to have some time for themselves. if possible, luhan would like to freeze time and just sleep. sleep until he feels strong enough to face everything, strong enough to tell his friends the story of a boy living a messed-up life. but the possibility of it happening is unheard of even in his generation and all luhan could do was to pretend.

give everyone the chance to make their stand and be tired of it that by the end of the day, they would all turn to him and listen. because luhan has a lot to say, about his math teacher, about the food in the cafeteria, about minseok and his unbelievable talent in soccer, about his new family, and about jongin – the guy he loves so painfully deep.

it would take more than a day for luhan to say them all out but he’s willing to narrate them if given the chance. after all, it only takes so much for a person to bottle everything up.

“still in the lover’s quarrel phase?”

luhan turns to his side and gives minseok a small smile. “jongin’s... i don’t think he’s mad but…”

minseok unwraps his sandwich and offers luhan in which the latter declines with a shake of his head. “misunderstanding, perhaps?”

“high chance.”

“why don’t you go and talk to him?”

luhan sighs and looks far ahead, towards a certain table. jongin’s laughing with sehun and luhan admits the longing in his heart. “he doesn’t want to talk to me.”

he feels minseok’s hand on his back, warm and sympathetic. “tell you what, i’m pretty sure jongin will tell you what’s wrong in no time so don’t stop trying. but don’t provoke him either that may lead you both to a bigger fight.”

luhan doesn’t even know if they’re fighting.

-

his mother welcomes him in hurried steps, dressed up and a little frantic. “i already called your brother, he’ll be home late. but i’ve cooked dinner for you both.”

luhan arches an eyebrow, “where are you going?”

she looks down and he hints the uneasiness in her voice as she says, “he asked me to have dinner, just the two of us.” her fingers are trembling in the slightest way, luhan wonders if he had discovered a mannerism of her. “i… i want to make things right and i think he’s willing to give me the chance.” she looks up at him. “you’re my son, i wasn’t there to watch you grow but i want to be there to see you mature. luhan i–”

“go.”

he cuts her off, eyes soft and harmless. luhan doesn’t want to hear it yet, the apology that he’s been waiting since the confession. he may have already understood the meaning behind her simple gestures, but luhan is yet to be ready to actually hear the words. for he might ask why he grew up questioning the existence of his mother in order to understand why some people can take it in themselves to leave their own flesh and blood behind.

luhan wasn’t ready for that yet. he’s afraid he might only hurt her further if she starts.

she lowers her gaze and blinks, then, she nods and forces a smile, reaching her palm towards his arm to caress him. luhan shudders. “you’ll be a part of this family. i promise you that.”

luhan closes his eyes and holds both of her hands. “he’s waiting.”

-

he sat alone in the dining table where a set for two was placed neatly in front of him as the second hand ticks away. his stomach growls louder than the first one, he glances at the clock and starts counting the minutes.

his brother never came home.

luhan thinks his mother will have a hard time in keeping her promise.

-

“luhan hyung,” sehun smiles, pearly white teeth sparkling under natural light. “what brought you here?”

luhan scratches his arm and lowers his voice. “i kinda have a favor to ask.”

“jongin?” the younger wiggles his eyebrows and luhan fights the urge to turn around and run to hide his embarrassment. sehun laughs a little. “sure, what is it?”

he fishes out a letter from his pocket and hands it over to the younger with hope. “give it to him?”

sehun nods, “anything else?”

“nothing.” he breathes, deep, and tugs his lips upwards. “thanks, sehun-ah.”

-

just before class ends, luhan receives a message.

from: jongin

don’t wait for me.

he reads it twice, internally laughing at himself. he leans back in his chair and looks up at the sky. minseok comes to his desk and asks if he wants to go home together, luhan says he has something else to do. not a few minutes after minseok had left, his phone vibrates for another message.

from: jongin

will you watch the game this weekend?

the sky lacks of any clouds, so clear and alive. luhan kind of wants the opposite of it somehow.

-

the man, luhan deduces, had changed. or he would like to think is aiming to change towards him. they were having dinner, the chair next to him exudes coldness from its lack of occupant. surprisingly, luhan couldn’t find it in himself to care for that in the presence of the older man. two weeks, and luhan is eating like a normal boy without wanting to escape the place.

he looks up at his mother and sees her eyes glazed by a light sheen of liquid.

-

the gymnasium was packed with students from both schools excited for the second game of the tournament. luhan finds himself sitting next to minseok and sehun at the home team’s bleachers. he clasps both hands on top of his lap and looks for jongin. he was on the side of the court doing some final stretching with chanyeol helping him. luhan bores his eyes at the jersey number and bites his lip from allowing his smile to escape their confines. it was of no use.

minseok nudges him good naturedly and luhan hangs his head down.

“did something happen?”

the whistle rings in the air and cheers simmers down with bated breath. “he asked me if i’ll watch the game.”

“see? that’s a progress already.”

luhan belatedly agrees, focusing on jongin instead of the game knowing full well that they wouldn’t lose not because the opposing team is of no competition but simply because of their team’s solid line-up that even jongin himself was so proud of. luhan remembers the many times he had heard the other brag about it, all smiles and hand gestures.

it seemed like a long time ago.

felt like a long time ago.

-

“aren’t you going to congratulate him?”

luhan ponders for it, biting his lower lip. sehun’s inside the locker room, leaving the two to wait outside for the winning team. “i’m not sure.”

“how are you not sure? what a–”

minseok gets interrupted by the doors and the mass of bodies coming out with howls of laughter and satisfied grins on their faces. he turns to luhan and gives him a pointed look, whispering, “your boyfriend just won a game, i think it’s only natural as his lover to congratulate him,” before leaving him with jongin tailing the end of his teammates.

luhan panics, getting the attention of the team. they smile at him and turn their heads back to where jongin is with knowing smiles. luhan tries to smile back but his lungs are suddenly constricting and his palms starts turning cold. he feels his head experiencing the first signs of dizziness with jongin fast approaching. his heart thrums wildly and luhan has to swallow the fact that jongin doesn’t intend to stop for him.

he closes his eyes.

jongin passes by, leaving the scent of his body wash and luhan’s congratulatory in the air.

he waits for everything to stay still before he opens his eyes to reality once again and turns to the window. he smiles bitterly at his reflection.

-

luhan doesn’t even know what is he doing sitting at the memorial park. he feels lonely enough that sitting by his late father’s grave wants to make him puke. he held it in, however, tracing his father’s name with a fond smile.

“are you watching over me, pa?”

he gets no reply.

“will you help me survive?”

he fished out his phone and searches his library before the sound of his father’s favorite song settles in the place. he tugs his legs towards his chest and leans his chin on top of his kneecaps.

“i miss you.”

-

there’s a note at the fridge when he comes home, his mother and her husband out in another dinner. luhan sighs and climbs the stairs. he stops at the door by the end of the hallway and knocks.

“i’m home.”

no one replies.

he turns around and goes inside his room, slumping in his bed. he gives himself a few minutes before changing into house clothes and trying his luck for one more time, knocking gently in hopes of getting an answer.

“did you have dinner yet?”

he waits, standing in front of the door. there’s light shuffling coming from the other side but other than that, luhan receives no verbal reply. he heaves a sigh and closes his eyes. behind them, he can see jongin’s radiant smile and it stings.

“please,” he starts, fingers curling into fists. “talk to me. i know this is hard but please, talk to me.”

he knocks again.

“i went to visit my father today. i’m still mourning, did you know.” he hears footsteps and luhan opens his eyes. “your mother… our mother promised me something. it’s hard for her but i’m willing to forgive her for abandoning me. i… this is selfish but i want to experience what a mother’s love is. how to be pampered, because i never had that. i never knew what a mother is.”

he swallows, only then realizing his trembling lips. “i’m sorry, so sorry. please, talk to me.”

“how?”

luhan blinks at the voice and places his palm against the door. he bites his lips and forces himself to stand his ground and calm his heart. “o-open the door. please.”

luhan’s ground crumbles into pieces when the door opens.

“i can’t even look at you.”

jongin’s crying, luhan realizes. he blinks repeatedly, taming his own tears to return back to their places and not be affected. “i’m sorry.”

“it’s not even your fault. why are you apologizing?”

“i don’t know, jongin. it feels like it is.”

“.” luhan lowers his eyes and wills himself to think of jongin’s mother. “i love you, hyung! you’re my ing boyfriend! i’m sorry for your loss, but hyung. hyung–”

jongin grabs his hand harshly and luhan lost it. he lunges himself at the younger and cries, “i’m sorry. i’m sorry, jongin. i’m so sorry i miss you.”

“i’m ing in love with you. do you understand that? do you know how heavy that is? do you know how complicated that is?!”

luhan nods, frantically searching for jongin’s eyes before capturing the latter’s lips. “i love you,” he whispers along the new set of fresh tears. “god, i love you, jongin.”

he gets pushed inside the room before the door closes with security. jongin’s frustrated and angry, luhan can feel in his actions. he kisses hungrily and s madly. luhan doesn’t protest even if it hurts, he tries not to focus on how just weeks prior, it felt so beautiful to be with jongin. but it’s hard and jongin’s unrelenting tears remind him of the younger going through the same thing. he places a hand in the younger’s cheek and wipes them away. “make the pain go away.”

jongin stops and cries harder. “but i love you, hyung,” he whispers, voice breaking with defeat.

luhan smiles faintly, surrendering at his suppressed emotions, and stares at him through layers of tears. he hauls himself up to embrace the younger and luhan wishes everything was just a bad dream. “make the pain go away, jongin. please.”