I looked up to meet a pair of deep, dark brown eyes staring at me.

 

I can't believe it, it's been already five years since I last saw him.

 

We're both standing in the middle of a crowded airport, hesitating on approaching each other. I'm holding on to my luggage, shifting from one foot to the other nervously.

 

And then it's like time stops. He unexpectedly smiles at me and I find myself easily returning his smile with one of my own. So many memories flash in front of my eyes and I can't help but find it funny how easy it is to smile at him now, after everything that happened in the past.

 

He's my childhood best friend, my first love and one of the few people I'm willing to do anything for, even if that means flying to another country just to keep a promise.

 

"Hi, KyuKyu. How have you been?" is the first thing he says as soon as he walks up to me, finding confidence in himself and embracing me in his strong arms.

 

KyuKyu, he still remembers that nickname.

 

I feel myself tremble, finally feeling the warmth of the embrace that I've missed so much these past years. My eyes fill up with tears as I bring my arms up and around his body, pulling him closer towards me as he tightens his hold on me.

 

"I've missed you, Wonnie," I whispered to him, letting my tears roll down my cheeks as I hide my face in the crook of his neck, feeling embarrassed of my emotional side.

 

"I missed you, too, more than you can imagine," he whispered back.

 

We stood there for what seemed like hours, inhaling each other's scent, warmth and feels, not minding the people around us.

 

After what seemed like a short eternity, we pulled apart, staying close to each other.

 

"We both know why I'm here and I know it's unavoidable," I began, taking deep breaths to remain calm, "but I'm still—"

 

"I know," Siwon interrupted me before I could finish my sentence, "we'll talk about it when the time comes, alright?"

 

I nodded, knowing it was a pointless conversation anyways, and took his hand as he picked up my luggage and started leading me to his car.

 

"Come on, everyone's waiting for you, and you know how impatient Teukkie umma is when waiting for something he really wants." he chuckled, "I think it's either he or Henry who have missed you the most."

 

"Really? Up to where Hangeng hyung told me, it's not them who kept a framed picture of me on their nightstand next to their bed these past years," I raised my brow and eyed him teasingly.

 

It was no surprise his family kept in touch with me. Even if the friendship between Siwon and I ended badly, his brothers always saw me as a brother of their own who they couldn't and wouldn't push out of their lives because of their stupid brother. Siwon and I had been best friends for about twelve years during which I spent countless days at his house with his family, leading to me become 'one of them' as his umma once said. Back then, and even now, it was obvious that one of the most important persons in my life was Siwon. No matter what happened, he was still very important to me and I cared about anything and everything that happened to him. That's probably why Hangeng, Siwon's oldest brother, felt the need to inform me of this embarrassing fact.

 

"That traitor," he cursed under his breath, blushing lightly at being found out, before continuing and trying to divert my attention. "Still, I think Henry still missed you the most. Ever since the first time you baked brownies for him, you immediately became his forever crush." 

 

It was my turn to blush and chuckle at his comment. His younger brother, Henry, had always been 'my kid'. Ever since we were young, I took it into my hands to be the responsible and caring older brother to him that Wonnie wasn't. He was so cute back then, how could I not love that kid?! It was hard to resist his pouts and not give in to whatever he wanted. I think Siwon is still jealous of him. Kekekeke *^.^*

 

 

 

It was that way in which Siwon and I settled back into our old pattern, joking around and informing each other with what we had missed of each others' life as we drove to his parents' house where he was currently staying at.

 

"Wonnie...?" I called his name hesitantly.

 

"Yeah?" He glanced at me briefly before turning to face the road once more as he continued driving.

 

"I missed this. You, me, joking around like we used to before everything happened." I told him, looking out the window as he turned to face me, avoiding his gaze.

 

"I know, I missed it, too." He confessed after a short pause. "I—I'm sorry, Kyu. I know everything was my fault, and I don't blame you for being mad at me—even now— I know I was a jerk and I deserved losing you...but I'm glad you had enough pity on me to come back...at least for now." he finished with a grimace, remembering this wasn't something permanent.

 

I looked back at him, looking at his side profile as he was no longer facing me, and stared at him, noticing how he had physically changed over the years and feeling disappointed of not being around to watch him go through those changes.

 

I felt my eyes fill up with tears again. I know it wasn't the apology I had visualized in my mind for the first years after we lost contact, but it was more than enough. He had accepted that what happened wasn't only my fault, even if he had said so during the last few months of our friendship, making me feel a lot worse than I already had.

 

I swallowed the knot in my throat and with the most calm voice I answered him. "I'm sorry, too. It was both our faults, so don't blame yourself either, what passed is past, I forgave you since day one." I pulled a small smile on my face before continuing, "You never lost me. Even if you couldn't see me, I was always here. I made your brothers keep me updated on you, and whenever you were having a hard time, I told them what to do to make you feel better."

 

"You did?!" he asked, surprised at what I was saying.

 

"Yeah. Do you really think Hangeng had it in himself to bake you that chocolate cake you love so much whenever you felt down?!" I chucked wholeheartedly, "Hell no! I had to threaten him the first couple of times to get him to do it."

 

"You're amazing," he flashed me his brightest smile—the smile that had always managed to brighten up my days.

 

"I know," I responded confidently, winking at him. "But seriously, I was never mad at you."

 

"You weren't? How come?" He asked, getting serious once again.

 

"I wasn't mad, I was hurt." I whispered, looking down at my hands. "It hurt me so much that you, out of all people, would make fun of my insecurities, as if you didn't care about me. I had so many trust issues and after that I even started doubting myself. I felt as if couldn't trust other people anymore. I felt betrayed..."

 

I took a deep sigh before continuing. 

 

"And I know I didn't make it better by making you feel guilty. I know I pissed you off quite often then, but what did you expect of me? You were basically my only friend—the only one I needed and wanted to have besides me—and I was so scared of losing you. I felt that if I kept your attention, even if it was bad, it would be better than to losing you completely." I let out a strangled sob at the end, trying with all my might not to cry. "And I didn't come back because I took pity on you. The day your umma called and told me about what was happening, I knew it was the chance I had been waiting for all these years. The chance to finally see you again, even if it meant it was going to be the last goodbye."

 

By then Siwon had pulled the car over to the side of the street, sitting silently next to me as he listened to what I had to say.

 

He turned towards me and pulled me into a tight hug. I could feel his tears soaking my shirt but I didn't care, the only thing that mattered now was that he was here, next to me, finally listening to what I had wanted to say these past years, but never had.

 

"You're right, we both messed up, but I ed up worse than you did and I understand why you did it, I don't blame you. I'm so happy you're here with me now. No matter what, I promise to make it up to you and I will win back your trust, no matter what I have to do to earn it." He pulled away to look into my eyes, showing his determination through his eyes. "And it doesn't have to be our last goodbye, you know?"

 

"I'm not strong enough for what would come if I actually stayed, you know that. Or do you really want to watch me suffer that much, not knowing whether something happened to you or not?" I turned to gaze out the front window of the car, trying to lighten the mood by chuckling and adding, "You've got less than two days to make it up, so you better use your time wisely."

 

Knowing what I was trying to do, Siwon laughed at my small challenge. "Fine, I'll work hard," he said as he turned the engine on and pulled the car back on the road, continuing our drive home.

 

That was one of the things I most loved about him, he knew me like the back of his hand and needed no more words to understand what I wanted, or rather, needed.

 

 

 

Arriving to the Kim's house was a lot more surprising than I had expected. Both of Siwon's older brothers should have been in classes at that time of the day. Instead, Donghae, Siwon's second eldest brother, and Hangeng had been waiting in the living room with the rest of the family, attacking me with a group hug as soon as I walked through the door.

 

The greeting was full of tears and laughter on everyone's side, wondering out loud how we could have been separated for so long and questions being thrown around as we tried to catch up as much as possible.

 

We spent the rest of the day watching movies, chatting and having dinner together like any other family would until it was time for bed.

 

"Goodnight, sweetie. I'm glad you're here now, you can't imagine how much we've missed you." Said Leeteuk umma, pulling me into a short hug and kissing my forehead.

 

"Goodnight, Teukie umma. I'm glad I'm here with you as well, I needed some family time." I whispered to him, hugging him back tightly before letting go.

 

"G'night kid, see you tomorrow." Kangin appa said, giving me a sideways hug. "Welcome back."

 

"Goodnight, Kangin appa. I'll make sure to get up early and bake your favorite pie just for you." I smiled up at him as he ruffled my hair and turned around to leave.

 

As soon as their door closed, Siwon asked me to follow him to his room.

 

"Uhm...I know you're probably still tired from the flight so you can take the bed and I'll sleep on the floor, that way you're comfortable." He smiled shyly, pulling out a few extra quilts to place on the floor for his makeshift bed. Before he could pull them out completely I stopped him.

 

"Nah, I don't mind sharing the bed, you know, like before..." I felt myself blushing but tried to play it cool by looking pointedly at him and adding, "unless you still have that horrible habit of randomly throwing off the covers to the floor, then you can ignore my invitation and sleep on the floor, freezing your  off for all I care."

 

He laughed at what I said but I could tell something was off, specially since he didn't say anything after his laughter died.

 

"What's wrong?" I asked, a little concerned.

 

"I—I...I lost that habit a while after you left." He began, fixing his bed to avoid my gaze. "You know that big fluffy pillow you had here before? I was used to sleeping with it and when you left, you took it with you..."

 

"So? Why didn't you buy another one?" I asked, kind of confused on how this had to do with his bad habit.

 

"No! That would've make you leaving more real and I felt that if I replaced your pillow with a new one, I would've been accepting you weren't coming back anymore. That and a new pillow wouldn't have had your scent on it..." He sighed deeply and got under the covers as I made my way to the bed. "That's why instead, I would roll up my covers, so I could have something to hug and well, that's pretty much how I lost that habit. I couldn't throw the covers off if I was hugging them as if my life depended on it."

 

"Oh..." That was all I could say as I climbed into bed next to him.

 

We both lay there for what seemed like hours, staring into each others' eyes, saying nothing and at the same time everything. Of course, due to the lack of sleep and the jet lag, I began dozing off first, but I could still feel it as Siwon moved closer to kiss my cheek, pulling me towards him and embracing me before finally joining dreamland.

 

---

 

The next morning's breakfast was like a flashback. The boys were getting ready to go to college, or in Henry's case high school, and were running around trying to hurry up and not be late. Nothing had changed, which was extremely funny since Siwon and his two older brothers are already in their twenties while Henry had just turned eighteen.

 

"Umma! Wonnie ate my cereal again!"

 

"Umma have you seen my red shoes?"

 

"OMO I lost my Nemo plushie! Finding Nemo emergency mission! This is not a drill! I repeat, finding Nemo emergency mission!"

 

"Umma! Hae dressed Bugsy in a pink tutu! I think we need to take him to a dog psychologist!"

 

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!!!!"

 

All the noise suddenly stopped thanks to Kangin appa's loud voice as he walked into the kitchen with Teukie umma.

 

"Alright kids. Henry, there's another box of your cereal in the pantry under a red cookie jar you are not allowed to touch and don't eve give me that look. Hangeng, your red shoes were thrown out by Heechul last month after you told him he looked chubby in that orange shirt he bought. Donghae, you threw your Nemo plushie into our pool yesterday saying it deserved a better home than your desert-like bed. And Siwon, Bugsy doesn't need a psychologist, he's already used to Donghae dressing him up and laughing at him." Teukie umma answered everyone's questions without even taking a breath to allow interruptions. "Any more questions?"

 

I raised my hand hesitantly.

 

"Yes, Kyu?" Teukie umma asked, eyes challenging me to add something stupid.

 

"Can I have another pancake?"

 

 

 

After everyone left, Siwon and I stayed at home to pack his things. It was something fun and entertaining to do since a lot of his things brought back funny memories of our childhood. Currently, we we're sitting on the floor, his suitcase with only one shirt inside as we sat besides it and flipped through the page of an old photo album.

 

"Omo, do you remember that day?!" I asked, pointing at a picture where both Siwon and I were about seven and our bodies were completely covered in mud.

 

"Yeah, you took away my favorite toy and I chased you until I finally managed to get close enough to tackle you to the ground." He chuckled, remembering how that was exactly what happened.

 

"Thinking back, I think it was a terrible idea running outside during that storm. If it hadn't been for me slipping in a puddle of mud, you would've never caught me." I huffed, crossing my arms as I recalled that day.

 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say Kyu." he ruffled my hair, mocking me.

 

"Aish!" I turned away and faked being annoyed to see what he would do.

 

"Kyu...KyuKyu...evil maknae...baby Kyu...YAH CHO KYUHYUN!" he kept on trying to get my attention by poking my ribs and calling me by my different nicknames which I completely ignored.

 

 

 

It was until after supper that Siwon and I decided we would spend the night alone, camping outside in their backyard, for old times sake. 

 

Laying under the star-filled sky, I knew it was time to word out the conversation we had been avoiding since I got off the plane a couple of days ago.

 

"Siwon?" I called out his name, making sure he was still awake, choosing to stare at the night sky instead of him.

 

"Yeah?" he answered right away.

 

"I..." I took a deep breath before continuing, holding it together as much as possible, "I'll miss you."

 

"I'll miss you, too, KyuKyu." A few seconds later he went on. "Do you still really dislike the idea of me joining the Marine?"

 

"Yeah." I turn sideways, my back facing him. "I don't know how you can ask me that, of course I hate the idea of it, that's what's taking you away from me now...that's what broke us up before we were even together when we were younger, too."

 

"I know," his voice suddenly got lower, sounding sad and painful. "I love you, I love you so ing much Kyuhyun, but..."

 

"But you love your country more. I know and I understand, back then and even now, I'd never make you choose...that's how much I love you." Sighing, I sit up and cradle his face in my hands. "Just because I don't like the idea doesn't mean I'm not proud. My heart swells with pride at the though of you fulfilling you're dream, but the thought of not knowing if you'll come back to me or not just kills me. I'm not strong enough for it Wonnie! I've had people come in and out of my life but no one compares to you. You're the kind of person who'd give his life to protect someone else, and I love that about you, but if you die out there, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I'd live my life thinking that if maybe I'd insisted more or if I hadn't left, maybe you would've stayed and you'd be alive!"

 

By now I was rushing out the words, as if Siwon would interrupt me and I would no longer be able to say everything I felt.

 

"Hey, hey, shhh," he tried calming me down by pulling me to lay down on the grass with him, wrapping his arms around my smaller frame, and caressing my head as it lay on his chest. "It's ok, nothings going to happen to me, I promise."

 

"That's not enough! That's why I can't stay and wait for you," I whisper once I've calmed down. "I'm sorry. I love you, but I just can't go through that."

 

"I know and it's ok, I don't expect you to wait for me." He pulls my chin up so he can see me in the eyes before continuing, "I want you to be happy, that was always my biggest priority and it still is, even if it isn't me who you find your happiness with...and I know for sure you won't be happy with me."

 

"I know," I sigh and make myself comfortable in his arms, "Do you realize tomorrow we are cutting all our ties for good? Both of us taking our separate ways to fulfill our dreams?"

 

"Yeah, and it was nice while it lasted. You coming back and spending all this time with me just makes me realize how much I really missed you and I wish you wouldn't leave, but then who am I to hold you back?" He said, planting a kiss on the top of my head softly. "After I return, I will look for you, I promise."

 

"Please don't say that, don't make promises you aren't sure you can keep..."

 

After a couple minutes of peaceful silence, I decide to break it with a last goodbye before I fall asleep.

 

"You're so brave and strong, you always kept me safe before, now it's time you take care of other people. I love you, don't forget it, and please, take care. No matter where destiny leads you, I hope you find happiness along the way and you finally reach your goals. I love you, my handsome marine..."

 

"I love you, too, and I'll take care. I promise. Find happiness as well, find a good man, fall in love and marry him, have kids and open your own school. I just ask of you one thing...don't forget me." Siwon finished, his voice softer with each word.

 

"I'll never forget you, my other half..."

 

We stayed cuddling for the rest of the night, enjoying our last moments together before separating ways once again tomorrow.

 

---

 

The next few hours flew by, not giving me enough time to really enjoy the limited time I had with Siwon. Everything went back to normal in those hours, we could say a thousand words to each other through one glance, we knew if something was wrong with the other, yet, there were moments of awkward silence and nervous giggles throughout the day which made it even more special. 

 

Now we had to leave all of that behind us once again. It would now be just a beautiful, bittersweet memory to treasure.

 

Before I knew it, Siwon was standing a few feet away from me, standing straight and wearing his new uniform with so much pride it made my heart swell. He was standing between the other men in line, saluting our precious flag with so much respect and seriousness shown on his face and posture. Once the flag was put away, and after a patriotic speech, they were all dismissed so they could say goodbye to their families.

 

This is it. I thought.

 

He approached us and took my hand in the most natural way, not saying anything to me and turning towards his family.

 

Leeteuk, Donghae and Henry had tear-filled eyes, trying to hold back their sobs as they said their goodbyes to their precious Siwon. Hangeng and Kangin, even though they were sad, they tried to only show the pride they felt, letting Siwon know he'd be missed.

 

After hugging and kissing them goodbye, he pulled me away, wanting to have a little privacy.

 

Instead of another painful goodbye speech I was dreading to hear, he pulled into a breathtaking hug. We stood there, holding on to each other, saying nothing yet everything through our embrace. He stood there, holding onto me 'til the last possible minute—until he was asked to get back in formation.

 

When he let go of me, he pulled me into a soft, emotional kiss, bringing back bittersweet memories of when we gave it shot at being a couple. Oh, how I missed those lips...

 

Once he pulled away, he looked into my eyes, leaving only his last words with me as he walked away, lining up and getting into a bus that would take him away from me and might not bring him back.

 

As the bus pulls away, I wave, hoping he'll see me, as his last words replaying in my head.

 

"I'll come back."

 

---

 

~30 years later~

Standing in the middle of the graveyard, I look down at the tombstone in front of me, a tomb where there lays one of the most important people in my life, someone dear who has now left this world, and me, behind.

 

Kneeling down, I put the bouquet of flowers down on the grass and caress the name written on the tomb with my hand. As I sit there, talking as if the person buried here could hear me and answer all my questions, I feel my tears rolling down my face and falling on the grass beneath me.

 

Oh how I wish this person was here with me, enjoying the light drizzle falling from the sky, listening to the thunder that can be heard from afar and feeling the soft breeze that makes its' presence known.

 

I sit there for hours, reflecting on life and death, wondering if I will ever see all the people I've lost someday once again.

 

It's only after it gets dark when I finally stand up, shaking off the dirt from my cloths, saying one last goodbye before leaving, when I feel a hand wrap itself around my own.

 

And once again, I find myself looking up into a pair of deep, dark brown eyes. Those eyes which I have been waking up to these past 30 years, if not more, since it took us less than a day to realize that we could not let each other go again, that we needed to make some sacrifices and be strong. He stayed in the marine and fulfilled his dream as I stayed home and waited for him, keeping hope and trusting him to return safely back to me.

 

A day was all it took for us to realize so many things. We realized that we couldn't be apart from each other, that the pain of being away from each other would only kill us slowly, that we could not live not knowing what happened to the other...

 

That we could not live with only the last goodbye.

 

 

 

 

A/N: I don't even know...I mean, I'm not totally convinced by what I wrote lol anyways, this is based on my childhood best friend and I, none of this actually happened to us due to the fact we stopped speaking about five years ago, but he I felt the need to write this because he just left to join the Marine about a month ago and I couldn't go and say goodbye :(

Back to the story, please leave me some comments, let me know if you liked it or not, or if you hated it lol excuse typos, I know I posted it like two days late so I was rushed lol umm I'll correct them later on...maybe...someday xD 

Thanks for reading! Love you<3

 

-V

 

July 9th, 2015