“Seungwan~.” A day wouldn’t pass without me hearing a familiar whine from Joohyun.

 

                “Hmm?”

 

                “I haven’t thought about my research proposal for three weeks now,” and a pout would always top off her predicament.

               

                One might think that we’ve known each other for a lifetime with how she depends on me all the time. But Joohyun has always been like that since three years ago, when I coincidentally sat beside her that one time I was late for class and found an empty seat beside her.

               

                “You know I’m busy as well with that research proposal,” I pointed out as I haven’t really thought of anything yet.

 

                “Seungwan~.”

 

                “Yah. Do it on your own,” shooing her away as I try to concentrate on my work. “It’s an individual requirement anyways.”

 

                I watched her sulk at her seat and continued whatever she’s doing there.

 

 

                Breaks are one of the things Joohyun and I enjoys very much, especially if it involves food. We excitedly ran to the cafeteria to see what’s there to eat.

 

                “Seungwan~,” tugging my arm while I’m busy choosing food.

 

                “Hmm?,” turning to face her, she was pointing at her right eye. And just like a little child, she asked me to blow it for her. As she held her eye open for me, I leaned in closer; trying to remove whatever that was caught in her eye and watched her face for comfort.

 

                Joohyun is undoubtedly beautiful. Seeing her up close like this has always left me in awe. From her forehead down to her chin was perfectly sculpted. And I never failed to notice how time would slow down as her radiance enchants me. I instinctively pulled away and saw her grinning satisfactorily.

 

                “Thank you Seungwan~,” she said as I pat her head.

 

                That’s the thing about Joohyun – it doesn’t matter if her shoe laces were just untied or her family forgot about her birthday, as long as she knows I am here, she doesn’t bother. And her voice – the way she calls my name, or the manner she expresses her gratefulness would always be melodic; like a sing-song voice.

 

                “Come on, let’s eat so we can sleep for at least,” I glanced at the time, “an hour and a half before the next class.”

 

                “But I really need to go to the library,” she followed me to one of the benches and started eating.

 

                “But we also need to sleep. History needs warming up. We can’t be seen dozing off at the same time.”

 

                “My research proposal needs some inspiration,” she reasoned out. “And I can’t do much without you at least keeping an eye for my bag.”

 

                “And what am I to you?,” I asked in disbelief. “A package counter?”

 

                “Seungwan~~~.”

 

                “Okay. Fine.” Do I need more to say?

 

                And that’s the thing about me – I can never resist Joohyun. The first months she started relying on me was just a part of me who can’t say no. But as our friendship grew, I learned to give in to her. From one moment I can see her as someone delicate – fragile if I must say; to someone very determined to achieve what she wants.  I may be opposing her from time to time, but in the end, I can never resist Joohyun.

 

 

                Its funny how I can’t stay put waiting for Joohyun to find inspiration through the books in the library as I walked through isles of bookshelves trying to be a very productive friend and present her with ideas. However, as I returned to our table, it was already full of books and journals for her perusal.

 

                “Seungwan~.”

 

                “Hmm?”

 

                “Look. I found books,” she stated cheerfully.

 

                “I can see that,” and I got curious as to how it happened. “How’d you managed to get all of that?”

 

                “You know Seulgi?,” I nod. “I bumped with her a while ago and she started to help me find these books when I told her I’m after some resources for research” She beamed so proudly, and I can already see ideas popping from her head.

 

                Seulgi is the girl from the next class in our batch. All I know about her is she’s beautiful as Joohyun, but being a biased friend that I am, no one can top the epitome of perfection.

 

                “Are you going to finish yours already?” she asked as she eyed the books I brought back.

 

                “Hmm?” I stalled as I sat across her. “Actually I was planning to help you. But Seulgi happened and you really assumed me as your package counter.”

 

                She was shocked but countered all the same. “Hey. It’s not my fault how you were so hesitant to help me. Don’t go ‘Seulgi happened’ and me being assuming.”

 

                I composed myself as I held my laughter in. Defensive Joohyun will always be so entertaining to see. She’s very particular when it comes to people who willingly lend a hand for her. And I still wonder why she doesn’t suppose I’ll help her even after all the years I’ve readily helped her in anything; everything actually. It’s not as if she’s imposing on me if she does.

 

~~~

 

                It has been a week since we started staying up late at the library to finish our research proposal. The last night, however, rained heavily prolonging our stay at the campus, waiting for it to stop. Having her house nearer than mine, I usually walk her first before going home.

 

                “Come on, let’s walk this way,” I said, indicating the farther way home.

 

                And being a trusting friend Joohyun is, she followed me right away. We haven’t reached far when we both realized how the ground was filled with mud and our shoes sunk a little. It was unfortunate for Joohyun that her shoes were flats and in screaming whiteness. I, on the other hand, wore sneakers and are quite tattered.

 

                “Let’s just go back the other way,” Joohyun said unsure about the situation.

 

                “We’ve walked this far, let’s just go,” I insisted.

 

                “But my shoes,” she pouted.

 

                I stopped, thinking whether we’ll just go back or just volunteer to wash her shoes afterwards.

 

                “Seungwan~~~,” she tugged at my shirt.

 

                “Hmm?”

 

                “Piggy back,” she smiled innocently without even considering how our height doesn’t differ much.

 

                “What?” I asked in surprise.

 

                “Please~,” that familiar whining has always ended something tragic for me, and something triumphant for her.

 

                “Fine,” giving her my bag for her to carry.

 

                I bent my knees and waited for her to jump on my back.  She put both her hands on my shoulders and it was bearable at first until she started laughing.

 

                “Hey. You’re getting heavier, stop laughing.”

 

                “But it’s really funny,” not stopping a bit.

 

                “What is?” I asked cautiously as I slipped a little from the mud. She brought her arms together around my neck leaning her entire frame on me. Still laughing, I felt her head beside my ears and I can’t help but wonder why her laugh was so infectious, I started giggling too.

 

                “I don’t know,” chuckling now. “This just feels refreshing. It felt like we haven’t done anything like this and it’s so fun.”

 

                We reached the end of the street and put her down. As I did so, I saw her getting a little worried.

 

                “What’s the problem?”

 

                “I forgot my phone at the library,” she whispered, and again, a pout.

 

                “What?” this time, my voice got a little louder. “You’re telling me this now?”

 

                “Sorry.” Joohyun is really unbelievable. “I really forgot”

 

                I ended up carrying her three times that night. I swear it felt like I carried one and a half sack of rice.

 

~~~

 

                “What took you so long?” I asked as soon as Joohyun arrived at our class, late.

 

                “Uhm,” she started off hesitantly.

 

                I’m pretty sure we’re both at the wash room a while ago, brushing our teeth after lunch. However, as I went out, I didn’t see Joohyun following me out.

 

                “I brushed my teeth,” she continued whispering.

 

                Her response left me confused.

               

                “But we just did.”

 

                “With Seulgi,” she said shyly.

 

              I stopped myself from laughing so hard. I kept a straight face for a while, and when I can’t continue my façade, amusement started to reflect from my expression. I resist myself from embarrassing Joohyun further from what she just confessed. Brushing her teeth twice, just because she saw Seulgi entering after I left and about to brush. It’s astonishing how I’ve never saw this side of her until today.

 

                The day passed and Joohyun has been indulged in using her phone. I bet she’s communicating with Seulgi, but I had no right in prying whatsoever to what they’re doing. It doesn’t even matter if she’ll tell me about this someday, but I know Joohyun’s already old enough to know what she’s engaging in.

 

~~

 

                Saturday night. I’m sprawled out on the couch – face down. I was left alone by my parents for a social gathering and my sister for some reunion. The TV was long forgotten, and I’m left thinking what I should be doing. I felt like doing something, but I couldn’t lift my body up. That’s when I felt someone collapse itself at my back.

 

                Joohyun.

 

                I heard her sigh, and if it weren’t for it, I would’ve tumbled her to the carpet. I waited for her to speak, but none came.

 

                “How was your day Seungwan?” she asked, her voice lacks liveliness.

 

                “Been here on the couch for the whole day and still felt quite achieved.” I said truthfully.

 

                I then heard another sigh from her and felt the intense emotion from her weight at my back. Still not daring to ask her why she’s like this, I waited for her to speak. A deep friendship between us makes the silence comfortable and understanding.

 

                “I went out with Seulgi,” Joohyun started.

 

                Surprise was very evident when I almost stood up forgetting she’s slumped against my back. Joohyun, however, moved aside and let ourselves sit comfortably on the sofa.

 

                “You’re serious?” I asked.

               

                “I did. I actually went straight here after,” and her expression was not I was expecting – it was something heartbreaking.

 

                “How was it?” I asked again. The familiar feeling of Joohyun relying on me had my heart soften – like I can do whatever she asked me to.

 

                She sighed again before speaking up. “It was very traumatic, to say the least.”

 

                Emotions surged through me as profanities spewed out. Who on their right mind would date Joohyun and send her home anxious and phobic?

 

                “The moment she saw me, her attempt to hug me and hold my hand was very consistent. The way she held my hand was very possessive. She brings it over to her heart then says words beyond being romantic.”

 

                I laughed humorously. Who would have thought – Seulgi? An angelic face like hers would have been devious when it comes to dating girls.

 

                “She wouldn’t stop,” Joohyun continued. “She’s even planning a future for us. And she’s taking me hers already.”

 

                “Is she for real? Doesn’t she take notice your resistance towards her? I can’t even explain how I wanted to punch her right now.”

 

                A sigh was heard again from Joohyun.

 

                “Seungwan~~,” that whine again. “I don’t want to date anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.”

 

                I sniggered at her resolution.

 

                “Don’t worry, you know Sooyoung from Seulgi’s class? I’ll root for her. I’ll make you two work something out,” laughing heartily at my proposition.

 

                “Yah Seungwan!” Joohyun punched me at my shoulder. “You’re giving me away just like that? Are you really my friend?”

 

                “Trust me,” still not stopping myself from teasing her. “Or you want Yerim instead?”

 

                Joohyun just punched me again, and I wonder how days would pass without her if ever she ended up with someone.

 

~~~

 

                “Seungwan~~”

 

                “Hmm?”

 

                It is a weekend, and we’re staying at Joohyun’s house; some alcoholic drinks are in front of us. We seldom get a chance to unwind, and it was fortunate for me that her family invited me to join them for dinner. We are both currently at their balcony, just enjoying the night breeze.

 

                Joohyun called out for me, but not a single word followed. She just stared at me – expression in her eyes I couldn’t recognize. It was more than amusement, something more intense – something that breaks through my very existence. I stared back at her, tilting my head to the right as if asking her an unanswerable question.

 

                And that’s when it happened:  she leaned in slowly but I still don’t have the time to react. Her lips landed on mine; it was brief – something you’d thought didn’t happen. But it did.

 

                The usual silence engulfed us. It was awkward yet still comforting.

 

                “Seungwan, would you like to stay the night?” Joohyun’s mom asked, checking out on us.

 

                “I would love to,” I said. I really would love to. “But I’ll pass this time.”

 

                “Are you sure?”

 

                “I’ll just stay some other time.” Glancing at their clock, “I’ll better get going Mrs. Bae, it’s getting late. Thank you so much for everything.”

 

                I faced Joohyun, but not daring to look into her eyes, “Bye.”

 

 

                The way home was a blur – it was blank. Not until, I landed on my bed. The kiss was baffling – was it a dream, just a spur of the moment driven by tipsiness? But I was sober. But then, I wasn’t the one who initiated the action. What worried me somehow is that Joohyun haven’t uttered a word after. I was thinking, or maybe over thinking, what would happen the next time we meet.

 

 

~~~

 

                Monday came, and it surprises me how we survived the day without talking to each other. She remained as my seatmate during classes, and we ate together during breaks. I would tip in some comments from time to time, and she would just agree. She would ask me questions, and I would answer her for a while.

 

                Joohyun’s whining has stopped, but it doesn’t mean she wouldn’t need my help anymore. The way I care for her does not change a bit, and if it did; it’s just that I’m more sensitive to her needs.

 

                The whole week has passed; the words exchanged between us progressed, but what happened that night stayed unspeakable. I prevented myself from thinking about the kiss – it wasn’t even lustful, and I wonder why we’re at this situation.

 

                “Hey, someone must have left her notebook,” we are at the ladies’ comfort room and I found something near the sink.

 

                “Who owns it?”

 

“Choi Sooyoung,” finding the name within the pages. “Oh my God, you have to return it to her. It’s meant to be. Oh my God,” I screamed as I forced the notebook into Joohyun’s hand.

 

                “You idiot, it’s Park Sooyoung, not Choi,” slapping the notebook on my arm.

 

                I looked at her suspiciously, “How did you know that? I haven’t introduced you to her formally, yet you know more than me.”

 

                “Never mind you.” She started walking away out and followed her.

 

                The only thing I felt was relief – nothing more, nothing less. I know at this time, things will return to normal. And it wasn’t normal as I think it is.

 

~~~

 

                That night, I woke up to a bad dream. And it made me realize a lot of things, along with feelings I thought I’d never felt.

 

~~~

 

                Classes ended earlier and Joohyun and I decided to visit the nearest mall by our campus. A call from my mom disrupted the silence.

 

                “Hello, Mom.”

 

                “Where are you dear?”  My mom asked.

 

                “On the way to the mall. Why?” Joohyun just watched me as I talked to my mom.

 

                “Can I join you? I’m home alone and I’m bored,” imagining her pouting is not a good thing. As much as I want to give in, I really wanted to spend the day with Joohyun.

 

                “But Mom,” I started whining. “I have a date with Joohyun.”

 

                When Joohyun looked away from watching me, that’s when I realized what I just said. Aren’t we on a friendly date though?

 

                “Is that so?” I heard my mom say. “You wanted to be with Joohyun more than me.”

 

                “Mom!” I can’t believe my mom would be like this. I know she’s faking jealousy, but with the kind of words I chose, I can’t help but be defensive.

 

                “Alright, alright. Just be safe, okay?”

 

                “We will. Bye, Mom. Thanks.”

 

                We arrived at the entrance of the mall not too soon after I ended the call.  It was comfortable walking with Joohyun, when suddenly we saw Seulgi walking towards our direction. Without even thinking, I grabbed Joohyun’s hand and entwined it on my own. Her hand was still for a second then relaxes too soon, making me assume that she wanted this too. I steered her away from where Seulgi was, and thought of any excuse that could save me from holding her hand.

 

                “Let’s watch a movie,” I suggested. “What’s there to watch? Hmm?” I looked up at the movie posters, not even sparing a glance at Joohyun.

 

                How could I even look at her, when all she does is to stare at me with amusement in her eyes? She was trying to get my eyes to look at her, and all I ever did was to stare back at the posters as if it’s the most interesting object here, pretending how hard it is to choose a movie. I was thankful enough that my hand was not even sweating from nervousness.

 

                From paying our tickets to finding our seats at the movie theater, our hands are still entwined, and all along, Joohyun is smiling widely. I get this feeling that she’s enjoying every bit of this – including me being jittery.

 

                The movie ended without me really understanding everything about it.  I have to admit that I enjoyed Joohyun’s hand against mine and her head lazily rests on my shoulder the whole time.

 

               

               

                Eating in front of Joohyun is so much different when she’s just beside me. At least I only get lost in Joohyun’s eyes once in a while when she’s across me – I’ll pretend I dozed off and I can even enjoy the gazes she’s returning me. But when she’s beside me, I cannot help but stiffen up whenever she leans sideways, feed me up and watch every expression I have as I chew, all the while she’s centimeters away from me. If she’s waiting for me to do the same and feed her, I guess she’ll just be disappointed.

 

                At the corner of my eye, I made out a figure of Seulgi entering the fast food. With Joohyun being oblivious about it, still lost in watching me eat, I acted rash – pulled her in by her shoulder and kissed her by her cheek. Like our first – it was quick, barely felt.

 

                Joohyun’s reaction was priceless, it was a combination of shock, confusion and delight. I glanced back where I thought I saw Seulgi and found no one. . At that moment, I knew I have to redeem myself.

 

                “Nope,” I started nonchalantly. “False alarm.” My heart was pounding so hard, I thought I’d burst out from embarrassment.

 

                “Yah!” Joohyun shoved me by my shoulders. “Seungwan! What was that for?”

 

                “Simple,” I acted confident. “To save you from harassment called Seulgi.”

 

                “That’s harassment too~~,” Joohyun whined. Whining – it’s back.

 

                “If you were too choose between Seulgi’s harassment and mine, what will you pick?” I asked playfully.

 

                She pouted and crossed her arms, “Mean.”

 

~~~

 

                Some things really didn’t change – I’m literally walking Joohyun home; with her comfortably resting at my back; her arms around me and her head beside mine. It was serene. Everything tonight with Joohyun is tranquil. I walked slowly, enjoying every moment, not quite minding Joohyun’s weight this time.

 

                “Seungwan,” she whispered. If the night is chilly, and so is me.

 

                “Hmm?”

 

                “You know I can’t keep anything from you, is it?” she asked.

 

                “Hmm,” I hummed in response.

 

                “I love you,” whispering through the night, yet still loud enough for my heart to hear.

 

                I stayed silent for a while, realizing some things I finally decided to ponder on. I’ve been making excuses for the longest time already but I don’t know to whom I was doing it.

 

                To save this friendship?

 

                To – ? Really for what?

 

                Guess I was just giving rationalization for being dense all this time.

 

                I put Joohyun down as we reached the gate of their home and I’ll definitely not let this chance slip away. I faced her and gather all the courage I have left – not that I’ll be turned down tonight, is it?

 

                “I know I’m the dumbest friend you’ll ever have.”

 

                “You are,” she cut me off.

 

                “Hey, you’re not supposed to agree,” I retaliate. “And please, don’t ruin my speech.”

 

                She nodded her head, seemingly amused.

 

                “As I was saying, I’m dumb – dense, whatever you call it. I ignored the fact that I know you’re hurting, and I realized I’m hurting too. I thought I was just being your best friend, your confidante, but I never thought that I have already loved you ever since. I can’t imagine someone who can put up with your whining other than me,” I just smiled back at her as Joohyun slapped me on my shoulder while smiling with teary eyes.

 

                I paused for a moment as she was trying to hold back her tears. I held her hands, entwined it on my own and bring it up to kiss.

 

                “I hope you’re not disgusted on how I’m acting right now. Because all I really wanted to say is that, I love you, Joohyun. I love you and I wouldn’t let this night to end without me telling you how much I really love you,” I looked at her with pleading eyes.

 

                Her tears finally made through her face, but I can tell that it was out of happiness.

 

                “I want you to be my everything Joohyun, and I am hoping that I’ll be yours too, not just your own package counter, not your personal private transportation – ” babbling whatnots.

 

                I never thought that Joohyun would love skinship by the way she thought Seulgi harassed her, but a kiss on my lips and a sudden hug – pulling me onto hers meant she’s fond of it too.

 

                I gently wrapped my hands around her waist as I listened to her whispering I love you over and over.

 

                “Took you long enough, Wan-Wan,” Joohyun said.

 

                “Yah! What name was that?”

 

                “And by the way, I like it a lot when you’re this cheesy. It’s so corny,” I tickled her once on her waist. “But you always know the words that go through my heart.”

 

                Joohyun pecked me on my cheek in exchange for teasing me. “I love you.”

 

                “I love you too.”