Results for the Math test they had taken earlier that week finally arrived. Everybody got their papers, and soon the mournful silence in the classroom was distilled with groans of misery, ocean-deep sighs and even curses spoken in whisper. It was no use in wondering how their notoriously bohemian class had done on that important test. Yes, everybody had got their papers – except for Lee Jinki, whose answer sheet had mysteriously disappeared, even though the teacher could swear that it had passed through her hands that very morning. The class was too busy anticipating the future wrath of their parents to gloat over the nerd's misfortune, but not Kim Kibum. He didn't seem to care for his correct 18 percent much – he was smiling proudly like he had just been presented with a Nobel Prize in Math. He knew exactly where Lee Jinki's paper was – floating in the large  aquarium on the ground floor. He turned around to take a look at his defeated enemy. To be sure, Lee Jinki was drilling him with his stare, eyes narrowed suspiciously. Kibum winked and smiled before returning to his doodling. Man up, Lee. That's only a small price to pay for assaulting my precious forehead.

When Kibum was returning from the chemistry lab later that day, he was still shining. His mood was great, and he leapt into his class like a ballet fairy. Humming a song that had been stuck in his head since yesterday, he skipped over to his desk. Having jumped upon his chair briskly, he pulled the drawer where he kept his writing tools open and – the thing he saw there made his hair rise. He was really hoping that he was asleep, because there was no way, no way for that huge, real, living lizard – the very thing he feared the most – to be really sitting on his notebook and staring at him with those creepy green eyes. With a shrill cry, Kibum fell on his back, bringing his chair down on the floor with him. He then crawled to the back of the room, white as a bed-sheet, ignoring questions from other pupils who had poured into the class, attracted by the noise.

"Lee Jinki... Lee Jinki..." he muttered non-stop, his forehead glistening with perspiration, eyes fixed upon his desk where the thing still was, before screaming at the top of his lungs: "You're a dead man, Lee! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!!!" And he laughed maniacally.

"Sweetie, are you sure you don't want Mr. Kang to take you home?"

"Yes, mom, I'm sure," Kibum murmured, fixing the strap of his Louis Vuitton bag as he was walking towards the bus stop.

"But, Bummie, I'm worried..."

"I'm not five, mom!" the boy protested. "I'm a grown man, and I will be just fine!... I really need to run now, see you soon."

The "grown man" hung up and bolted to the bus as soon as he saw his target enter its doors. With a victorious "ha!" (a few passengers gave him weird looks) he boarded it at the very last moment and, smiling vengefully, proceeded to the back. There he found his classmate, playing a game on his phone like an innocent kid, the seat next to him empty as if waiting for none other than Kibum. He made sure to hit the boy with his bag as hard as he could as he sat down.

"Oops! I'm so sorry!" he squealed, barely containing his joy.

Lee Jinki kicked Kibum's ankle with all of his might.

"Don't be! That's okay!" he cried cheerfully.

"Are you sure?!?" Kibum inquired, elbowing the other so hard his head almost hit the handrail.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure!!!" Jinki yelled, giving him a pinch so painful that Kibum's eyes watered immediately.

"This childish play is below my sense of dignity, Lee," he muttered, wiping his eyes. He was a bit tired from all the pain. "Please, find a playmate of your own level."

Jinki hemmed, opening his game again.

"You are right, Kim. I really took a step down by messing with you."

Kibum turned to the window, biting his lip ferociously. How great it would be to kick this jerk in the teeth right now! He really wanted to calm down, but his anger towards the boy sitting next to him was too strong. He literally had never hated anybody so much before. Trying to be as secretive as he could, Kibum took his pen out of the book. Sneakily, he poked Jinki's arm with the sharp end without even looking at him. In a few seconds he received a similar poke, but he could swear that it was way more painful than the one he himself had inflicted. In response, he poked harder, which was reciprocated right away. Their fight was escalating when Jinki nudged his elbow lightly to attract his attention. Reluctantly Kibum turned his blushing face to him, and Jinki tossed his head in the direction of the seat facing them. Kibum saw two little boys poking each other with their pens just like they had been a moment ago, their mother trying to separate them with an anguished expression on her face. She looked at the older boys deprecatingly, as if saying, Look what my children have learned from you.

Jinki stood up and cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry, madam, that my friend and I influenced your boys in a bad way. What we were doing was by no means an act of violence, but only an experiment on... er..." his smooth speech flow was cut short because he forgot what he wanted to say next.

"Biomechanics," Kibum helped from his seat. "Our paper is due next week. By far we have found that constant poking motions cause your hair to fall out. I'm literally wearing a wig right now."

The agitated preschoolers stopped fighting abruptly, all ears.

"Yeah, and wetting your pants, too," Jinki continued. "My mom had to buy me adult diapers. All because of the poking."

The kids gulped.

"Really?" one of them asked sheepishly.

Jinki nodded, closing his eyes as if in regret.

"Our girlfriends broke up with us."

"Yeah, they said we were losers. And we've got our homework to blame!" Kibum cried, and they both sighed simultaneously.

They silently agreed that they wouldn't fight on the bus, so the rest of the way home was quiet. But, as soon as Jinki got off at his stop, he noticed Kibum, looking at him through the window and mouthing: "I will destroy you". In response, he winked mischievously and gave him the finger. We'll see, we'll see.

The first thing Jinki noticed as he entered the school on Monday were the weird looks everybody was giving him. A few people openly laughed at him, others stared in disbelief, and even Mr. Choi the PE teacher shook his head when he saw him. There could be no doubt that Kim Kibum had something to do with it, but by far Jinki had no clue what could have happened. His ignorance did not last long.

On the stairs leading to his floor, he ran into Taemin who had a troubled look upon his doll face. He greeted Jinki with a sigh.

"Guys, I think you both should stop, seriously... Aren't you too ancient to be so stupid?!" With those words he flung the school newspaper he was holding at Jinki and walked away in a sour mood. He sure felt responsible for the situation and wished he had never opened his mouth that day on the football field.

Jinki scanned the page Taemin had been reading and, to his surprise, he saw his own name in the column called Let's share advice!. Along with his name, there was his grade, his age and his zodiac sign. Below, the interview ran in a small font. That's right – the interview he had never given.

Jinki found himself a bench and started reading, already feeling hot as blood rushed to his head.

"This week, Lee Jinki, our ttakbam champion and one of our best students, shares his secrets of attraction! We would say, they are at least surprising, but let our readers judge for themselves.

- Jinki, do you think you are popular among girls?

- Well, it's a bit weird to say it myself... [laughs smugly] ...But, yeah. Hella.

- But what could be the reason for such astounding popularity, Jinki?

- You see, it's because I know women very well. [takes glasses off and spits on them to clean] I've been studying them for a while now, and now they're like an open book to me. I know how to handle them and always leave them craving for more.

- So it might be said that you know what we women want?

- Yeah.

- What is it?

- That's easy. [removes something from his ear and wipes it on his pants] A girl's desires are pretty simple. She wants a real man. A real man that will make her feel like a real woman.

- And how do you do that, Jinki? I'm dying to know!

- Well, my approach is this. On the very first date, you need to show her who is the man here. Otherwise she won't know, obviously. [grunts] So what I do is mark the territory.

- Mark the territory? Like a dog? That is... unique!

- No, of course not. Peeing on your girl would be strange. At this point, at least. [gets serious] What you need to do is expose her to your natural masculinity. Show it to her as it is – raw, aggressive. Don't waste time on cliché compliments and money on useless flowers. Never apologize for anything. Always say what you think – girls actually appreciate brutal honesty. If you don't like her hair or think her dress looks cheap – say it right away!

- Interesting! But what are other ways to show your raw masculinity? In other words, what is your deadly weapon?

- First things first. Don't shower prior to your date. That is one. The girl needs to smell – and, if possible, to see – the sweat of a real man, so don't change your clothes either. Take her to a place serving nice spicy foods. That is two. Order something that will make your ears bleed and eat it whole in one take – don't even leave a drop of the sauce in the bowl. You don't want her to think you're a wimp, right? If you wanna burp, let no fear stop you. And the third thing is really my deadly weapon.

- Oh my god, I can't wait to hear it!

- It is... [leans closer] ...farting!

- Farting? Really?!

- Oh yes! After you're finished with the meal and the waiter brings the dessert, you should fart – one, big fart is usually enough. But you must put all of your energy and soul into it, you must do it sincerely – because a smart girl will always know if you're being fake. So, big, loud, hearty fart is what you need.

- Should you make a specific sound though?

- Yeah, the sound should be low and powerful. Make it long – because that's how you demonstrate your strength.

- But the smell?...

- Well, [fixes glasses] my vast experience tells me that the smell should be as strong as possible. That way you will show the girl that you are a confident man who has nothing to hide and who will always have his say. A real man is not afraid to stink!

What do you think of this valuable advice, dear readers? Boys, are you ready to give up showers and unleash your raw masculinity? Girls, do you think you will be able to resist Lee Jinki's powerful ways? Beware: he will fart his way into your soul and leave you craving for more!

Please, send your comments and questions to our collective E-mail.

Your faithful correspondent, Gwibbon"

Jinki was not one for screaming and lashing in crowded corridors. Instead, he crumpled the newspaper and tore it into pieces – slowly, meticulously, until the pieces were so small they could easily be used as confetti. His eyes were staring into emptiness, but his thoughts were running at a supernatural speed. The situation was leaving him no choice – there was only one thing he could do now.

They were making up dialogues at their English class when all of a sudden the door was thrown open with so much force it was a miracle it didn't fly off its hinges altogether.

"KIM KIBUM!!!" A familiar voice roared and Mrs. Nam, their formidable Math teacher, stepped in with a mask of cold anger upon her face.

"Y-y-yes?" Kibum asked, standing up on shaky legs. He had a strained relationship with that woman, to say the least, and everything was slowly starting to look like his worst nightmare.

"To my office! Now!" She snapped, turning on her heels.

“Y-y-yes..."

He gulped and, giving a few goodbye looks to his friends (who felt for him deeply, but were also excited because finally something interesting was happening), trailed gingerly to the door. He was so scared he didn't even try to guess what he had done to earn a visit to Satan herself.

"I'm astonished by your reckless behavior, Kim!" Mrs. Nam cried, walking around her office like a restless tigress. Kibum, who was sitting on a chair in the middle of the room, his head low, much like a guilty preschooler, wished he knew how to stop his knees from shaking.

"Have you got no shame, Kim?!"

Kibum opened his mouth to ask what was going on, but she shushed him.

"Is this the length you would go for a favorable mark? Just how immoral, how lazy do you need to be to use such means for achieving academic success?!" She stopped pacing and looked at him, arms crossed upon her chest. "Do you not realize that if you had worked hard enough in my class you wouldn't have failed the test?!"

"I-I'm n-not sure what you're t-talking about..." Kibum mumbled, trembling under her heavy stare.

"So you are going to deny your actions now, huh?! Well, I am not going to raise your mark anyway!"

"Raise m-my m-mark?" The boy asked, clueless. He wasn't sure if the whole situation was real anymore. He didn't understand anything.

Mrs. Nam cocked one painted eyebrow.

"Isn't that the reason why you left your offensive message on my desk?!"

Kibum blinked.

"Wh-hat message? I don't think I..."

He began, but stopped talking as the teacher snatched something out of the top drawer. A yellow sheet of paper. Torn out of his favorite yellow notepad.

"This message!" Mrs. Nam bellowed, passing him the sheet.

The first thing Kibum noticed as he took the letter (because that is what it was) was the glittery green ink in which it was written – someone must have used one of his favorite pens as well! The very first words he read almost made his heart stop:

"Dearest Mrs. Nam...

Or should I say "my dearest Eunha", since that's the name I would like to call you by?...

I'm tired of fighting with my feelings. Since the very first day I saw you (you caught me drawing kittens in the textbook and scolded me for that, remember?) all I've been able to think about is you. Every night, I close my eyes and picture your beautiful face, with your precious mouth that I want to kiss so desperately... And then I see wonderful dreams about you – dreams where we go on dates, and whisper tender words on each other's ears, and I press your delicate body tight to my chest... I don't want to hide it anymore.

I love you, Eunha.

And I know that you love me too – I see it in your eyes every time you rebuke me for being late or not listening in class. You are suffering just like me, I know it! And I want to take you away from this cynical place with its close-minded rules and regulations. Be mine, Eunha! Let's elope and be together forever! I'll be waiting patiently for your answer... But don't keep me waiting for too long, my love. This fire is already burning me alive.

Forever yours, K.K."

Kibum bit his lip hard, his vision blurring from anger. In fact, he was feeling so mad now that even his fear took a step back. He cleared his throat as he realized that he'd been silent for a while now.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Nam, but I honestly have nothing to do with this," he said in a much more composed manner than before.

"Even though it is in your handwriting, and signed with your initials?"

She clearly didn't believe him.

Kibum rubbed his forehead wearily.

"Listen, I know what it looks like... But I really would never do anything like that just to have my mark raised. It is true that I am not hardworking enough and I should concentrate better in class, but I honestly respect you and myself too much to resort to such means. Yes, I failed that test, and I accept it. The letter was obviously written by someone else."

He might be bad at Math, but his talent with words was beyond doubt.

Mrs. Nam took a few steps back and sat down, looking bewildered.

"So, you didn't write the letter to cajole me... But I recognize your style of speech! Oh my god, you must really love me!" Her voice trembled and she covered .

Kibum wanted to protest, but the change that happened to his teacher took his words away. No longer was she the horror-inducing Gorgon. She somehow became all meek and feminine, and he thought he even saw her blush as she rose to her feet again, wringing her hands.

"Of course, you're denying it... I have hurt your pride!.. Ah, Kibum, you need to understand how inappropriate this is – did you forget that I'm married? And that damned !.." She dropped her hand on the tabletop with a loud bang that made the boy jump up on his seat.

He stayed quiet just to be safe. Mrs. Nam's heels strolled around his chair and stopped right behind.

"You need to be strong, Kibum... First love can never be forgotten easily, but you must try. Don't picture my face before you go to bed." She placed a sharp-nailed hand on his shoulder and leaned a bit closer, her eyes glistening in a way that made Kibum gulp. "But you can always drop in for a cup of tea." And the red nails squeezed his shoulder almost to the pain.

Kibum couldn't return to class before puking thoroughly into the toilet. He felt like he'd been to a war.

Mr. Park, the school's Headmaster, was busy reading shounen manga and eating jelly bears when someone knocked on his door three times. By a well-practiced motion, he threw the forbidden items into a drawer and cleared his voice before demanding:

"Come in!"

The door opened and Kim Jonghyun, ex-troublemaker turned star student and member of the student committee, entered the room, pushing forwards two struggling, panting seniors he'd been dragging by their collars.

"I'm sorry, guys, but you've taken it too far," he told them in a tired, but not really cross, voice.

"Headmaster, I've got urgent delivery."

A/N: So, this chapter is a bit longer! :3 What do you guys think? Also thank you all very much for subscribing, upvoting and leaving comments - you make it all worth it! L.

P.s. if you want to send me requests or simply need more OT5 on your dash, my SHINee blog can be found at http://onewcuckoo.tumblr.com :D