Author: Panical_love

Title: Vacation of Lies

R/N: Sorry for the wait! Thanks again so, so much for requesting and hopefullly it will help you~ Well, here is your review!

Title (10/10)

Normally I don’t give full marks on titles, but yours seems to be perfect! It’s not too long and not too short. It thoroughly captured my attention, which is a huge compliment because I am normally quite picky about titles.

Not only that, but “Vacation of Lies” is interesting and allows me to ask questions which is what a good title should make the reader do. I immediately began to wonder what type of vacation will be involved and what “lies” would be told by which characters.

I also searched this title up on AFF and it seems to be original. There are no other titles that are the same, and rarely any titles other than yours that include both “vacation” and “lies”.

I’m not sure yet if it relates to your story as much as it should, but your story isn’t finished yet so for now I’m not really minding that.

Overall, great job on the title! It’s interesting, attention-grabbing, original, and pleasing to the eye, so what more can I ask for?

Description/Foreword (10/15)

To be honest, your description slightly turned me off. It seemed a bit bland and didn’t make your story seem as interesting as I had expected. However, it wasn’t all that bad either. Despite making me lose interest a bit, it still managed to keep me going.

A good description should poke at the reader’s curiosity, and I think you did a nice job achieving that. It made me wonder what would happen between Jimin and Hoseok, and what kind of relationships would be made.

The foreword was fine as well; no points removed for it. Asking to subscribe/comment is pretty much of a given for all AFF stories nowadays, and it was nice how you included that it will be about 3-4 chapters along with a humorous reason.

You also did properly credit where you got your poster, but since the full link pops out more than the description/foreword itself, I would suggest maybe linking to the shop with a word instead of pasting the whole direct link.

Presentation/Layout (15/15)

I don’t find anything wrong with your presentation/layout, and nothing is bothering me. Your poster is pretty and eye catching (great job to whoever made it), and your background isn’t too distracting either. The font and font size are perfect to read, and overall everything looks neat and not messy at all. I shall give you full marks on the presentation/layout category.

Writing Mechanics/Writing Style (17/30)

Writing Mechanics (10/20)

Unfortunately, I did discover several writing mechanic errors. Your English is overall good, and I’m assuming that it is your first language, but the only reason I took off so many points in this category was because you continuously mix up your past tense and present tense verbs. I find myself even annoyed at how much you switch back and forth between past tense and present tense.

You do this in your description. Mostly you use present tense, but in one or two sentences you used past tense verbs.

Original: But one morning Hoseok made Jimin angry, so she forced him to leave the house for a little bit.

Correction: But one morning Hoseok makes Jimin angry, so she forces him to leave the house for a little bit.

Original: Jimin didn't know at that moment, but she will regret making Hoseok leave the house.

Correction: Jimin doesn’t know at that moment, but she will regret making Hoseok leave the house.

You also do this several times throughout the story. Your story is told in past tense in contrast to your description (which is completely fine; many authors do this), but occasionally you switch to present tense so be careful.

CHAPTER 1

Original: From our previous fights, I know she probably flopped down onto the bed with her face in a pillow and waving her arms and legs everywhere.

Correction: From our previous fights, I knew she had probably flopped down onto the bed with her face in a pillow and waving her arms and legs everywhere.

Original: I drove to my beach house that my family owns and parked the car in the driveway.

Correction: I drove to my beach house that my family owned and parked the car in the driveway.

Original: It's the first time in a year I've been able to get away by myself. It's nice to not have someone complaining in your ear all the time.

Correction: It was the first time in a year that I’d been able to get away by myself. It was nice to not have someone complaining in your ear all the time.

Original:  I turn to face the couch.

Correction: I turned to face the couch.

Original: Someone's head has popped up.

Correction: Someone’s head had popped up.

Original: I walk around the couch and see a boy in his early 20's sitting up with his eyes closed, holding his head and rubbing it.

Correction: I walked around the couch and saw a boy in his early 20’s sitting up with his eyes closed, holding his head and rubbing it.

Original; He sounded a bit scared, as he should be.

Correction: He sounded a bit scared, as he should’ve been.

Original: I point to the couch.

Correction: I pointed to the couch.

Original:  He puts his head down, embarrassed. “Forget it. Just leave for today. I want to be alone.” He looks up, with tears on his eyes. He quickly blinks them away.

Correction:  He put his head down, embarrassed. “Forget it. Just leave for today. I want to be alone.” He looked up, with tears on his eyes. He quickly blinked them away.

Original: I look away from him and the feeling quickly disappears.

Correction: I looked away from him and the feeling quickly disappeared.

Original: He bows at me ninety degrees before he turns and leaves out the back door.

Correction:  He bowed at me ninety degrees before he turned and exited out the back door.

Original: I move my suitcase off the couch and fall down onto it. I slowly drift off into sleep.

Correction: I moved my suitcase off the couch and fell down onto it. I slowly drifted off into sleep.

CHAPTER 2

You started off with past tense in the first two sentences of this chapter, then suddenly switched to present tense for the rest except for a few sentences where you returned to past tense. Please stick to one tense for the WHOLE story. Since I don’t want to take up too much space here, you can go to the full corrections for past tense-present tense for Chapter 2 by clicking HERE.

Meanwhile, Chapter 3 seemed to be fine. You managed to stick to past tense the whole time, other than one or two words which is a forgivable amount.

Still, it might be better to read over your whole story and fix your verb tenses.

Moving on:

Make sure you don’t forget your commas at times, and don’t capitalize “she” or “he” after dialogue like in the example below:

Original: My wife, Jimin yelled at me.

Correction: My wife, Jimin, yelled at me.

Original: “Fine. Go. Have fun.” She said, and closed the door hard again.

Correction: “Fine. Go. Have fun,” she said, and closed the door hard again.

Original: “It takes me a whole bottle and a half to get drunk.” He bragged.

Correction: “It takes me a whole bottle and a half to get drunk,” he bragged.

You also capitalize words sometimes when it is unnecessary:

Original: I called our Beach house staff and let them know that I was on my way so they could get it ready.

Correction: I called our beach house staff and let them know that I was on my way so they could get it ready.

Original: The Air Conditioner was already running and the place looked spotless.

Correction: The air conditioner was already running and the place looked spotless.

There are some instances where you mix up your plural and singular verbs:

Original: Then, my eyes recognizes someone coming towards me.

Correction: Then, my eyes recognize someone coming towards me.

Other than the mistakes I mentioned above, everything seems to be fine. I see no spelling errors, and you use korean romanization properly as well.

Writing Style (7/10)

I see nothing particular to pick on about your writing style, but I see nothing that was overly special either. I actually really like your style of writing, but you have yet to find your own unique style or own “color” as JYP would say.

I admit you do have talent in writing dialogue. It flows rather smoothly and you write it in a very interesting way that really grabs the reader’s attention and make them feel the characters.

However, something does seem a bit “flat” about your style. Nothing is really popping, or at least for me. You write in an overall neat fashion, clearly stating the events and all, but you don’t have anything new or different that will really make me fall in love.

I’m not complaining or anything- your writing style is fine just the way it is. But it would be nice if you can develop it so that it is distinctive from other author’s styles.

Characters (27/35)

Characterization (12/15)

I am quite satisfied with your characterization! Each character has their own personality, flaws, thoughts, etc, and I got to know each and every one of them well through their thoughts and actions. The characters had me hooked and I was interested as I got to know them more and more.

The only reason why I took off a few points was because they seemed a bit unrealistic at times. I’ll go into more detail as I break it down character by character to make it easier for you.

I. Hoseok

You really did a nice job with Hoseok. At first glance he appears to be quite arrogant- rich and careless- but as I continued to read I discovered that he did have a soft spot with a caring heart and playfulness.

The unrealistic part about Hongseok was how fast he was to change his attitude. He seemed careless to his wife- even after they fought, he did not bother to try to make her feel better but rather left on vacation like she said to. Not exactly something a husband would do.

But on his vacation, he was overly kind and caring to his new butler.

I don’t have a wife (well I’m a girl so obviously not XD) and I don’t have a butler either, but if I did have both then I would surely choose my wife over my butler and spend time trying to comfort her than try to get closer to my butler.

However, other than that Hoseok is a nicely constructed character. I love his personality and thoughts.

II. Jimin (BTS)

Jimin is probably my favorite character in this whole story, and I love how you characterized him!

He seems so nervous and fragile in the beginning, but we also discover that he has a playful side to him. I love how you made it so that as I continue to read, each character seems to be a completely different person than what I originally thought! Jimin’s actions are adorable, and you did an amazing job creating him as a character.

The one thing that annoyed me though was how he seemed a little too “child-like” for his age. Like when he began to cry in Chapter 1. This probably isn’t what a grown man would do with his job on the line.

However, this is well covered up by the rest of his personality, so nothing to change really.

III. Jimin (15&)

I do not get to know Hoseok’s wife that well, but you did an awesome job with her, that’s for sure. I don’t think the reader gets to know her well enough for me to judge this character yet, but so far she has shown what kind of person she is through her actions during her fight with Hoseok. I am excited to learn more about this Jimin, if she does appear at least one more time before this fic ends.

Overall I would like to give you a high score on your characterization. I fell in love with both Hoseok and Jimin, and even though they did seem slightly cliche at times, you were able to cover that up well with their own individual charms, making them unique and different from other ways Hoseok and Jimin were characterized before in previous stories.

Character Development (10/15)

You did develop your characters, but instead of doing this gradually it was all too sudden in my opinion.

For example, I can see how Hoseok is changing throughout the fic. At first he was a little mean to Jimin and irritated at him, but later he finds himself really caring for and being nicer to Jimin.

But all of this happens much too quickly- in just a few paragraphs. You lack building up the events there. It’s good that you developed Hoseok as a character, but it’s never good to develop a character all at once.

Take it slow and go into more detail about how Hoseok is changing, rather than rushing right into it.

Same with Jimin. He’s quiet and cautious around Hoseok and then suddenly for a few paragraphs he’s all open and playful with him (I’m talking about the scene at the beach by the way).

You did a nice job developing your characters, but the only flaw is that you did this all too quickly. I guess it’s understandable since your fic is supposed to be a short story, but it would’ve be nice to see a gradual change in Hoseok and Jimin.

Point of View (5/5)

You chose to tell the story from Hoseok’s point of view, and that was a good decision. It’s nice to know what Hoseok is thinking because it creates the plot of the story, plus it allows Jimin’s feelings to remain a mystery other than through his actions. I don’t have any complaints about the point of view you used.

Though it may be interesting to see the other characters’ thoughts, I do not think it is necessary to change the POV at all. It is fine with Hoseok telling the story and I’m enjoying it.

Plot (29/45)

Originality (6/10)

To be honest, your storyline actually isn’t too original. I’ve read plenty of fics where a married couple fights and one decides to take a break from the other (some on AFF, some not), and even more stories where someone falls in love with their butler.

You did include some original moments that I guess were unique in their own way, but there was nothing big that clearly made the story its own.

Many aspects of the plot you decided to use has been used several times before, so I’m a bit disappointed by the low score I’m giving for originality.

Believability (4/5)

I discussed believability a few times in the ‘character’ section of this review, and there are some parts about the characters that weren’t too believable. I’m not going to repeat them here, but scroll back up and check what I wrote about Hoseok and Jimin.

However, I guess the plot deserves full marks here. Though it’s not common in real life (but common in the world of fanfiction), it’s fully believable in my opinion. None of the situations were completely impossible, and there was nothing too out of the world or cliche that it bothered me.

Conflict (12/20)

I’m basically repeating some things I previously said, but your conflict isn’t as developed as I would’ve hoped. The relationship between Hoseok and Jimin is nice and the way Hoseok feels about Jimin was well created and interesting, but the events leading up to it are underdeveloped.

Also, even though the main pairing is Jihope, there is still unresolved conflict between Hoseok and his wife Jimin. I’m hoping I can see more of Hoseok’s thoughts on that conflict too.

Your conflict is lacking depth so far, but I’m positive that it will get better in the next few chapters.

Theme/Message (3/5)

I don’t see any particular theme or message in this story so far. I mean, it has the typical theme of unexpected love (between Hoseok and Jimin), but other than I’m not sure if there’s a certain message that you’re trying to tell the reader.

I can’t know for sure yet since your story isn’t even completed, but while you’re finishing it up the theme/message is definitely something to keep in mind.

Predictability (4/5)

Your overall plot has been used before so it’s quite predictable (Hoseok and Jimin falling in love, etc.), but the individual events are not. I find myself surprised and glad after each event happening, and I’m extremely satisfied with the low predictability level of your story.

Though there has been no major plot twist or anything, your story isn’t too predictable so I’m fine with it.

Content (21/25)

Flow (10/10)

All in all your flow was fantastic. Each event led right into the next one, and there were no noticeable “cracks” in the story, which are sections that seem disjointed from the previous section.

You have nice transitions, and your writing style makes it easy for the reader to read since everything fits and flows together so well.

And I also want you to know- it's not easy to maintain a good and continous flow throught your whole story. However, you are doing an amazing job with making your story flow and deserve a huge thumbs up for that!

Pacing (6/10)

I’m sorry but I am definitely not a huge fan of your pacing. You go a little too fast in certain parts, including important parts that can be more developed. Especially in the first chapter, everything goes by much too quickly. Jimin and Hoseok fight, he rushes out of the house, and drives to his beach house. Hoseok and Jimin meet at the beach house, Jimin apologizes and leaves, Hoseok falls asleep. You can discuss a bit more about each character’s feelings and thoughts, or go into a bit more detail about the situation than just plainly state the event and hurry to the next one.

Sequence of Events (5/5)

Full points for sequence of events! Each event happens in chronological order and gets me piped up for the next one. I think you placed out the scenes in a perfect order, and you also divided up the chapters nicely.

Overall (21/25)

Memorability (8/10)

I probably won’t remember every single individual event of this story, but I will probably remember it as a whole. Nothing particularly stood out to me that I would remember for a while, but this story isn’t something I would forget in a few days, months, or even years. It’s not one of my favorites, but it will probably hold a special place in my heart.

Reaction (4/5)

The reaction to your story from other readers seems to be good! Almost 20 subscribers and 1 upvote is pretty decent, and you have very positive comments. I myself also enjoyed this very much, and my reaction was also positive. This story literally made me laugh out loud in the first chapter, though I’m not even sure why XD.

Personal Enjoyment (9/10)

I am personally really enjoying your story! I’m actually a Jihope shipper myself, and if I wasn’t viewing this fic as a reviewer but rather as just a fan/reader, I would definitely give it a higher score.

Jimin and Hoseok are just too cute together here, and their interactions are playing with my feels like <33

Anyways, so many great Jihope moments and I’m not even sure if my heart can handle most of it. I find myself oohing and aahing and laughing my head off occasionally at the thought of the scenarios in this story actually happening XD. It literally saddens me that this fic is going to be so short, since even 100 chapters won’t be enough to satisfy my Jihope feels. Anyways, I really love this and just wanna tell you: great job authornim!

Full Rubric:

Title (10/10)

Description/Foreword (10/15)

Presentation/Layout (15/15)

Writing Mechanics/Writing Style (17/30)

- Writing Mechanics (10/20)

- Writing Style (7/10)

Characters (27/35)

- Charcterization (12/15)

- Character Development (10/15)

- Point of View (5/5)

Plot (29/45)

- Originality (6/10)

- Believability (4/5)

- Conflict (12/20)

- Theme/Message (3/5)

- Predictabiliity (4/5)

Content (21/25)

- Flow (10/10)

- Pacing (6/10)

- Sequence of Events (5/5)

Overall (21/25)

- Memorability (8/10)

- Reaction (4/5)

- Personal Enjoyment (9/10)

Total: 150/200 points

Score: 75%

R/N: Wow, this review was longer than I expected XD. Anyways, I hope you’re satisfied. Sorry for the low score though; please don’t be discouraged! I am loving your story and you surely have talent in writing.

I hope that this review was helpful to you, and just know that your story is really great! If you have any questions, please feel free to drop a comment or PM me^^

I’m so glad I had the opportunity to read such a fun story like yours~~ Jihope is love, and I'm looking forwards to you as a writer in the future as well!