It had started in the beginning when Xiumin and I were first placed in Exo-M. We were the only Korean members and were always in China, promoting. It was a new and strange world for us and we were scared and confused. So, we took to comforting each other. We'd stand next to each other in a lot of interviews and talks shows. In the tour van, we'd sit next to each other. At night, whenever we were feeling particularly lonely, we'd sneak into each others' bed.

After the Mama period of Exo, however, that changed. No longer was it just me being clingy with Xiumin, but then Luhan was added into the picture. I felt so inferior whenever Xiumin hung out with Luhan. I mean, it's Luhan for crying out loud! Luhan was pretty, sweet, funny, adorable, innocent. I was just me. Just Chen: the dinosaur who sings through his cheekbones. They were always doing cute stuff together, but Xiumin did spend some time with me. The only difference between then and the Mama period was that Xiumin had learned enough Chinese that Luhan didn't have to lean close to Xiumin and whisper translations to him. Seeing that always made me feel weird on the inside and I didn't understand why.

When Kris left, we were all devastated. Kris was the person we all looked up to, the one who watched over us. He was our leader and he just... left. While I was sad about him leaving, I was also angry. Kris went along with us, not telling any of the members how he felt about being in Exo. I thought we were all content with our lives, but I guess not. I guess Kris wanted something more. Were we not enough? Did he not care about Exo and the fans enough? Why didn't he tell us he was leaving? Why didn't he trust us enough to say something?

That wasn't the only reason I was angry, though. You see, when Kris left, I had hoped Xiumin would come to me for comfort, like the old times, but he didn't. He used Luhan's shoulder to cry on and vice versa. Since he didn't come to me, I went to him instead. Just like old times, I had walked in and, already knowing that I was upset, he just grabbed my hand and pulled me into his bed. I had curled up next to him and closed my eyes. We didn't say anything; we didn't have to. We had a certain connection that allowed us to know what the other felt and thought at the most important times. So, we just laid there in silence. But, for some reason, it wasn't the same. Maybe it was the fact that he didn't curl into me. Or it was the fact that he didn't wrap me in his arms and rub my back, whispering that everything would be okay. I'm not sure why, but being in his presence like this just didn't feel right. It hurt; it hurt bad. Where had the simplicity of our relationship gone? Why couldn't my day be made with just a smile from Xiumin anymore?

I found all my answers after Luhan left. It hit everyone hard, even harder than Kris, because members were leaving and we were scared and hurt and Luhan was the sunshine of the group. I had been upset, yes, but no one was more upset than Xiumin and Sehun. Luhan was Sehun's first friend, the person who he was closest to. They shared a bond that even Xiumin couldn't compete with. That didn't make Xiumin any less upset. His closest friend had left and he was lost.

So one night, he showed up in our room, just standing in the doorway while I'd been on my laptop. When I looked up and saw him, I immediately set aside my laptop and opened my arms. That was all it took for Xiumin to run to the bed and crawl in. I'd wrapped my arms around him and tried not to feel annoyed that the only time Xiumin wanted to hang with me was when Luhan was gone. Because that was how I'd felt then, like Xiumin didn't know I existed until Luhan wasn't in the picture. And that was when I knew: I was jealous of their relationship. It was obvious that I was, and I'd known it for a while, but it suddenly made sense.

I understood then why my heart seemed to speed up when Xiumin walked into a room, why my hands shook around him, why my stomach fluttered when he spoke to me. I had a crush on Xiumin.

And, now, it's the end of 2015 and I haven't gotten over him. In fact, my crush has turned into something stronger. There weren't many people who knew, only two: Suho and Lay. I was close to Lay since we were both in Exo-M and close in age and Suho was our leader, our Eomma. They were the ones I went to if I needed to vent about my relationship (or lack thereof) with Xiumin.

Suho and Lay managed to convince me to confess a couple of days ago. They planned a day out with all the members. I feigned sickness and Suho assigned Xiumin to be my caretaker. Therefore, we were currently the only two in the dorms.

Which led us to the situation at hand: Xiumin was making me take a bath in cool water.... and he was in the bathroom with me, making sure nothing happened. Dear Lord, what did I do to make you hate me? Is it because I stole that one library book from my school's library in, like, third grade? I returned it after two years! I've been so well behaved my whole life, so why?

"Jongdae, why are you not undressed and in the tub already?" Xiumin asked as he came back in from getting me a towel.

I gave an awkward smile in return to his pointed look. Slowly, I pulled off my shirt and stepped out of my sweatpants and boxers. I stepped into the tub and sank down into the water. Even if I wasn't actually sick, my muscles were still a bit sore. As the cool water lapped against my acheing muscles, I sighed in bliss.

"Jongdae?"

"Yeah?" I mumbled, my eyes closed, still relaxing.

When Xiumin spoke, his words were so soft, I almost didn't hear them. "Why did you lie about being sick?"

I opened my eyes and looked at Xiumin, who was sitting on the edge of the tub. His elbows were on his knees, his hands hanging between his legs, and his head was facing the floor. "How did you know I was lying?" I asked him, almost as quietly as he spoke before.

"Don't give me that, Jongdae. I know you better than that. You feigned sickness. Why?"

I turned my head back and closed my eyes again, sighing. "I don't know. I guess I just wanted to be away from the members today and feigning sickness seemed like the easiest way to go about it without them asking questions."

He was quiet after that, seeming to accept my answer. I washed up and dried off, wrapping the towel around my waist before walking out into the hallway and to mine and Xiumin's room. I grabbed a pair of boxers and some grey sweatpants. After throwing them on, I was just about to walk out to the living room to watch some television when Xiumin reached out to grab my arm. "Wait," he said.

I turned to him. "Yeah?"

"Can I talk to you?" He asked, pulling his arm back and looking towards the floor. He reminded me of a kicked puppy.

"Sure. About what?"

Once again, he was quiet for a few moments. "It's about Luhan."

I raised an eyebrow in confusion, and a little bit of anticipation of where this conversation was headed. "Okay... What about him?"

"Did... Did you... hate Luhan?" Xiumin asked hesitantly.

I blinked in surprise. "What? No. No, of course not. I don't think anyone can hate Luhan. Why would you think that?"

"Because whenever Luhan and I hung out, you always glared or snapped whenever either of us tried to talk to you. I thought it was because you hated Luhan."

Shaking my head, I sighed. "No. I didn't hate Luhan. I was just jealous of him," I admitted.

Now it was Xiumin's turn to be surprised. "But why? What reason would you have to be jealous of him?"

"Because you were my closest friend. And then he stole you away from me. Xiumin, why did you let him do that?" I asked softly, my heart constricting.

"Because I thought I was a burden to you and... Luhan was nice. He made me feel happy and... loved. He loved me."

Maybe it was the way his voice sounded light and cracked slightly when he said that, or maybe it was the way his eyes went soft and sparkled, but whatever it was, it made me snap. Xiumin was so blind! How could he not notice how I felt about him. "He wasn't the only one, Xiumin. I loved you, too!"

Xiumin was stunned, his jaw dropped. Slowly, he shook his head. "No. You didn't love me. How could you love me? You never said it or showed it."

"The hell I did! Xiumin, I have loved you since... since we were first put into Exo-M. You were my security blanket; we were each other's security blankets. We needed each other because we were alone, together, in an unknown world. You were the one I went to when I was scared and missed home. I cried on your shoulder, while you held me and told me that everything was going to be fine, we were going to get through it. I was there for you when you were upset at the fans when they made fun of your weight. I listened as you told me how you felt ugly and fat and held you when you cried about it. I always told you how handsome you were and how much of an amazing singer and dancer you were. I would spend all of my free time with you. Until Luhan came into the picture. Suddenly it wasn't Xiumin and Chen; it was just Chen. You didn't come to me about your problems or just to hang out that often. Sometimes, when we were hanging out, you'd leave me for Luhan. And of course I couldn't tell you my feelings after that because how could I compete with Luhan. He's beautiful and talented at singing and dancing, funny, smart, kind, and overall just an amazing guy. I'm just Jongdae, the awkward, loud clown who has a nice voice.

"But even though it's been awhile since Luhan left, I still feel inferior to him, like his ghost is still here and still captivates you. Even when you hang out with me now, I feel like it's only because Luhan isn't here instead. I feel used," I whispered brokenly, tears falling from my eyes. This was so painful, this love. I knew that love hurt, but I didn't think it would hurt this much.

There were soft hands on my face, suddenly, wiping my tears. "Jongdae, I didn't know you felt that way. But I guess you were just as blind as I was," Xiumin muttered.

My eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "Huh? What do you mean by that?"

He chuckled quietly. "Because everytime I hung out with Luhan, I would look at you to see how you reacted. Everytime I started cuddling, I'd look at you. Everytime the fans asked for Xiuhan fanservice, I'd look at you."

"But... why?"

"Because, even though being with Luhan felt nice, and even though he loved, I could never feel the same way. I couldn't love Luhan back because I was already in love with someone else. Everytime I looked at you, it was because I was thinking about you: whether you were angry or jealous or sad, how much I wished you'd notice my feelings, how it would feel to hold hands with you and be affectionate with you and have it mean that you were mine. Jongdae, I loved you, too."

I grabbed at Xiumin, pulling him in and burying my face in his shoulder as I sobbed. This wasn't how I imagined the night would go. I thought I would just tell him how I felt and maybe we'd kiss after he told me he felt the same way. But even if this didn't go as planned, it still felt good to get this off my chest. I pulled back and sighed brokenly, reaching towards Xiumin's face with shaking hands. I pulled his face closer until our lips touched in a gentle caress. It was just the brushing of our lips, until Xiumin placed his hands on my waist and pushed his lips more firmly onto mine. Sighing, I tilted my head to better position our mouths. My mouth opened in a moan when Xiumin's tongue ran along the seam of my lips. His tongue dived in, searching. Tentatively, I met his tongue with mine and from there it became a battle that I easily lost. Finally, we pulled away, both of us breathing hard. 

"Maybe we don't know each other as well as we thought we did," Xiumin whispered against my lips.

"Yeah, I thought our telepathy was stronger, too."

Xiumin groaned, pulling away. "Why the heck do I love you?" He asked exasperatedly.

"Because I'm the best."

Xiumin stepped close once more and quickly kissed me. "Well, I'm not complaining."