PLEASE LISTEN TO YOON MIRAE'S TOUCH LOVE WHILE READING THIS ONE. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COKV1a__HAQ)

…..How long has it been since I last visited in here? 1 year? 2 years? Or has it already been 3? I am not quite sure how long, but it sure feels like it has been decades ago. Before, I used to come here every day just to feel peace…and comfort. Other people might find it odd how I can find those things in a place like this, but I don’t care.  They’re not me, and they surely don’t know anything what I’m feeling through. Fine, maybe they had a share of “pain”, but they don’t know the depth it has in me....

After what happened that once upon a time ago, I didn’t like staying in the house, nor did I like hanging out with friends for they will only give me that look of pity and sympathy. But like I needed that?! I don’t want any pity given to me because I am fine and I am doing okay, at least that’s what I told them. Did they believe anything I said? That I am not sure for they always automatically turn into a psychologist giving me a lecture saying what I’m feeling is completely normal and understandable for I am still in the phase of denial. Ha! Denial?! Just what is there to escape from? People might not understand my ground, but I am living perfectly fine! As long as I still have him in me, I’ll continue living just fine.

“Baby, open your gift, neh? I want to see your reaction..now. Now!” I chuckled as Hae stomped his foot, urging me to open his Christmas gift to me. If others would see him like this, for sure they would roll on the floor laughing, but this is just a common sight to me now, seeing that we’ve already been together for 3 years. Donghae, my fishy, is my best friend, my first love and he will definitely be my last. We made a promise about this. Hae even said I wouldn’t be able to escape him if in case I would try to run away from him. But like I will do that?! I sarang this namja soooo much! People may say there is no longer forever, but we will prove them wrong. Those people are just plain bitter. When you finally found the one, not just some fling or someone to have a good time with, you can already envision your forever with that special person, no doubt.

I pinched his cheek as I giggled, “You are as childish as ever, Hae-ah. Neh, I’ll open this now. You fishy!” I carefully unwrapped his gift, getting excited as to what was inside it. My eyes widened as I saw a velvet box with a ribbon laced on it. Omo!!!! Is he going to propose to me now?! Kyahhh! I am not yet ready! How am I supposed to answer him? ‘Yes, Hae! I’ll marry you!’ Aish! It sounded so plain. How about, ‘I’ll think about it first, ara?’ Eh? It sounds like I am rejecting him. But kyaaah I am so giddy now!

“Yah! Tokki! What’s going on in that pretty little mind of yours, huh? Your face is so red now! Making another scenarios, neh? Open it, ppalli so that you’lll know!” Hae pinched my blushing face before he landed a peck on my lips.

When I opened the box, I saw a necklace with a ring on it as a pendant. So I am right after all, neh? He is really going to propose to me!

Donghae took the necklace before facing me, “Dara-ah, babe, jagiyah, I know this is not your ideal proposal, but I am doing it anyways. I couldn’t wait for spring to come. I really want to officially call you mine now. Babe, you’re the love of my life. The only right thing that has ever happened to me. You’re my miracle, you’re my destiny. I love you so much my tiny heart won’t be able to carry all my love for you. Sounds cheesy, neh? But all of those things I said are true. Be my one and only, babe. I want to spend this lifetime with you and I promise you I will live my whole life proving my worth to you. I know I am not worthy to have you. Actually, no man is ever worthy of you for you are just so beautiful inside and out in so many ways I couldn’t even start to enumerate.” I was rendered speechless all through out, I just really couldn’t believe that it is happening! And to get on with his purpose, Donghae then dropped to his one knee, “Babe, make me the happiest man alive. Marry me? Please?” I was crying uncontrollably with Donghae’s proposal for his words are just too good to be true. How could I ever deserve a man such as him? He makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful creature that has graced this planet. His love makes me feel like I can have anything in this world. I couldn’t help but chuckle at the end of his proposal though; he sounds so desperate he needed to say please! Kyaaah. Cutie! And I guess you all know what my answer is, right?

“Yes, Hae! I’ll marry you! Yes! Yes!” Donghae lifted me in his arms as he twirled us around out from too much happiness. Yes, this is what happiness looks like; me in Donghae’s loving arms.

“Thank you for making me the happiest man, babe. I love you, I really do. I can’t wait for you to be officially Mrs. Lee!” Donghae leaned his forehead to mine as he stared through the depths of my soul. Suddenly, all that ever mattered was me and him. It’s as if the world has come to a sudden stop. Long before, I have made a vow to value my virtue and not just waste it on any man for I want it to be with the one I’m going to altar with, the only man I’m going to spend my lifetime with.  Donghae has respected that all these years, but now at this very moment, I know there’s nothing more that we could ever want. And I know it’s going to be worth it. And so it was, I have felt that amazing passion and bliss when we showed our happiness and love to one another as our body became one later that night.

(MUSIC STARTS HERE)

Months has already passed since that proposal, and you might say I am finally living the life that I have always dreamed of, right? That’s where you’re very wrong. So dead wrong.  A week after his proposal, Donghae met a car accident as he was on his way coming home to me. He went overseas to take care of some business before we get so busy with the wedding preparation. While he was away, I was also slowly preparing for our wedding, but then again, it never happened. The car accident took Donghae away from me. That damn car accident took the love of my life away from me. My source of happiness and life, my one and only. How am I going to go on with my life now? Now that Donghae is no longer beside me. Now that Donghae left me all alone. The love of my life is gone, what about me now?

Donghae was long buried but I still can’t seem to grasp the reality that he is already gone. Maybe my friends are right after all, I am in denial. I always go to the cemetery every day because that’s where Donghae is. That’s the only place where I can feel that I am not alone, that he is still beside me.

I have been like that for months, until I became numb. I could no longer feel anything but pain. Until one night, I cried my heart out, hugging my wedding dress and caressing Donghae's tuxedo that he is supposed to be wearing on our wedding day. I kept on reliving our memories as my tears continued to fall like waterfalls. And then I saw a box which belonged to Donghae. I have never seen this one before, what could be inside this that he has to hide it away from me? You see, Donghae and I share almost all things; from clothes to just everything. Out of curiosity, I opened the box and saw a voice recorder in there with a label of my name. I don’t know what’s happening but I suddenly feel like I’m going to discover something very unsettling.

When I played what was in the recorder, I couldn’t help but cry once more. Oh, how I miss Donghae’s voice! Fishyyyy! I miss him…so damn much!  “Jagiyah, are you listening to this? Hihi. Well, I really don’t know how to say this, but I’m going to tell you this anyways. You see, babe, uhmmm.. I know you have been worried about my health lately for I am always getting sick. To make you feel at ease, I went to the doctor for a check-up just so you wouldn’t have to worry about me. Unfortunately…” I can hear Donghae trying to stifle his sob and it just made me cry even harder. What the hell is this? What is he talking about? Just what is happening? “..Unfortunately, after the doctor has ran through some tests with me, I was diagnosed to have a heart failure. I think I did inherit appa’s heart disease after all. I was so frightened babe, not for me, but for you. If I’m gone, what will happen to you? Who would look after you? Who would protect you away from those bastards who kept on ogling at you? Who would wake you with butterfly kisses in the morning? Who would listen to your rants and wipe your tears after every drama which you have seen for a hundredth times already? Who would sing you to sleep then? What will happen to you? And most importantly, what will happen to our promise of forever?” I just kept on crying as I listened to Donghae. This is absurd! What heart failure is he talking about?! This can’t be happening! He’s still so young! He still has a very bright future ahead. And yeah, what about me? What about us?

“You see babe, when I told you I was going away to take care of some business abroad, I was actually heading for my operation. Sorry if I kept this thing hidden from you. I just really don’t want you to worry. I only want you to be happy and don’t worry because I will definitely be back for you. The doctors said I have a high chance of surviving so just wait for me, neh? But jagiyahhh..if somehow along the way, God forbid, but just in case….” I could hear Donghae take a deep breath and I know that he is trying to control his emotions, but this is just really breaking my heart even more. “..jagiya, just in case, I won’t make it, ju---just know that I love you so much, arasso? I have never loved anyone the way I do to you. You’re my life, you’re my all, babe. If I’ll be gone, please continue living without me. But please don’t forget about me…If, if some other guy will come along your way, ghaad I can’t even imagine you in another man’s arms! But I can’t be selfish, I only want your happiness. So if you meet someone in the near future, I am telling you that you are free to love again, Dara-ah. Don’t hold back just because of me. Just be sure that he’s going to be more or at least as handsome and as talented as me, arasso? Don’t settle for less babe or I will really feel insulted. And be sure that he’s going to love you more than I do, but I doubt if someone can ever surpass what I feel for you. But just find a man who’s willing to do anything for you in a heartbeat like how I do when comes to you. It pains me saying these stuffs right now but I am just taking some precautions. I should really survive this operation, neh? In that way, I won’t have to leave you behind with someone else. Aish. Just forget what I just said. Lo