Christmas eve.|

“This is what we found in his pocket, Mr Kim.” Officer Park bowed, handing a letter to Minseok as the latter’s shaky hands gripped onto it. “I’m sorry for your loss.” The man's last words were, before he left Minseok alone in the cold hallway.

Minseok sniffled, blinking his sore from crying eyes as he ripped the letter open and took a deep breath, completely choking on his tears again, and breaking down, once his gaze hardened on the first words.

Dear Min,

By the time you read this, I’ll already be dead.

How could he not see it? How could he not feel it?

LuHan was suffering and yet the one who always spent time with him didn’t know… Funny how someone can hide what they are feeling with just a simple smile or a husky chuckle… Funny how someone could disappear in seconds… and then never come back…

Just like LuHan, who went to buy cigarettes, and never returned…

Do you remember the first time I saw you? Do you remember the first time you saw me?

I do.

September 21^st, 2011 – it was Jongdae’s birthday…

I recall every move you made; I was watching you the whole time, instead of celebrating my friend’s birthday… I even thanked Jongdae after the party, for introducing us. But you didn’t know… No one did of course.

I asked if I could take you home, do you remember? Oh god, Min! Do you remember how I started stammering and blabbering? It was so embarrassing. I was so giddy inside that I couldn’t even smile. I froze, baby. And I don’t know how the hell I managed to drag my feet across the pavement as you told me all the little things about yourself; your habits, your hobbies, and all the things you love and hate…

I was raptured when you mentioned that you like writing - you were so honest with me, but my soul was crushed once you said that you hate cigarettes, and those who smoke them…

“It’s such a disgusting habit.” you told me.

I remember quitting for a week…

Min… I’m so sorry… You begged me to give up the unhealthy addiction so many times for my own sake, and I couldn’t even do that for you… I’m sorry. I am.

He inhaled sharply as his back hit the hard wall and he slid down, eventually settling on the floor.

“Oh, LuHan…” He wailed, “You can’t be gone… You can’t!” He cried, "This is not real. Not real! This is NOT REAL!"

He wished to inhale the smell of his cigarettes at least one more time. He wished for one more day. He blamed himself and wished that he'd wake up and find Luhan next to him. He craved see his face, his smile, at least hear him breathe.

He began to think that this is a nightmare, but the pain was too real.

"..I killed him." He choked.

I think it was somewhere during December when I finally convinced myself to ask you out, not as a friend anymore… Did you know that Jongdae suggested that? Silly Jongdae… He was as oblivious as I was.

But Baby, you were always a good actor, but at that moment, you couldn’t even fool me anymore… I noticed how your eyes widened and if only your hands weren’t trembling, I would have thought that you were surprised. Yet, there was something more…

This is not a suicide note, because you killed me when you uttered the truth into the wind.

I love Jongdae.

“Oh god, please no.” Minseok cried, tears falling on the letter… He quickly wiped the rain off his face and swallowed hard, realizing where this letter was going…

I loved you from the first time I saw you. But you didn’t even love me the last time you saw me.

“LuHan…” He cried again, holding the letter tighter and tighter as seconds passed. He tried to read the messily written words calmly, but it felt like LuHan was right next to him, watching as he cried. Maybe enjoying his pain after he caused so much sorrow to him…

“LuHan…” he breathed out, craving to smell the bitter cologne and Marlboro cigarettes.

I could never blame you for loving Jongdae… He’s great. You two go way back, and I understand your love for him, but baby… Why did you lie? Why did you let me believe all your promises and all of your smiles?

Baby, why did you lie?

I am not the fool, you take me for. My grades in school were just fine and I wasn’t one of the silly ones either. I enjoyed all the boring classes, but now I wonder, why didn’t they teach how to love?

Maybe then, I would have known, how to make the other fall in love with me.

LuHan’s words sounded tender, as if his voice was reading the letter in his minds. But Minseok knew… that LuHan’s only poetic when he’s lonesome, sad and broken…

I was once asked why I liked you. I said that I just do. I never wanted them to know my reasons, because I knew they'd fall for you, too. And you know that I never liked sharing, especially when it came to you.

Minseok was always scared of thunder… But right now he was scared of the truth. He was scared to continued reading the letter, but he knew he owed at least that to him.

Baby, when you told me about your father, and how he treated you, I already knew that I wanted to protect you, and keep you safe from all that could hurt you.

Baby, I knew… that I had to protect you. But I let you too close and got carried away with your love and my love, and the way you made me feel that my existence is not useless, and that you love me, and care about me. With you, I had hope. But baby what you didn’t know is that I knew you better than you did, and that you always swallow twice before lying, and that you did that when you told me you love me back.

Baby, I knew you. And I saw you with him three nights ago. I saw how you hugged him, and then cried because you weren’t happy.

I heard Jongdae asking if you were alright and if I was treating you badly. And baby, I couldn’t stop laughing, because I was the only one who actually treated you right.

He could feel his heart throbbing in his throat, the sore feeling pulling him closer, and closer towards the madness.

Jongdae was never more than a friend, but only because Jongdae never wanted something more.

I left the apartment and came back two nights after that, scared to even ask if you had confessed. I was scared to lose you that I senselessly drove myself to this; a heartbreak and a suicide, during the Christmas Eve.

I always loved you more than anyone, anything, and wanted you to be happy. But I can’t live with the pain anymore, and if you can’t be happy with me, please be happy with him.

I got your first kiss, and I was happy, because weeks later I got your innocence, too.

And I was foolish to think that you could love me. How could you love someone like me? Although all I wished for is for you to join me in my dream, it was still nothing but a fantasy.

Dear Min, I really love you. But every night with my head on your chest, I could hear your heart whispering the name of someone else, that nickname you had for him.

Chen, Chen, Chen; it was begging.

You always belonged to him, didn’t you? Even when you told me that I was the only one, and that you were only mine; you were craving for his touch, and his voice, and his love.

Isn’t that selfish?

You were so clueless, sweet cheeks, thinking that I don’t know.

But oh sweet lord I knew better than anyone else did, and I allowed you to break my heart the way you wanted and desired.

But even after you succeeded, that wasn’t enough for you. You took my heart pieces, and hid it from me. You made sure that I won’t ever be able to fix it, and that it will always belong to you. But I refuse to live and be controlled by you, your smile, and your everything. I don’t want to live in a world where I need to watch my love, love someone else.

So baby, remember, this is not a suicide note. This is my first and last love letter to you.
I killed myself because my love was too much and I wasn’t enough.

Yours always,
Lu Han.