“‘Sanghyuk’ -

"-'shining together'-

"-don't you forget that..."

***

Sanghyuk hugs his knees after the fancam is done playing on the TV screen. He keeps his poker face and doesn't look at any of his hyungs who are sitting around in their dorm living room.

"Hyuk," Sanghyuk nods upon hearing his stage name from the leader's strained voice. Hyuk, it's a name that reminds him of his duty as a member of VIXX, "I thought you practiced."

Sanghyuk keeps his mouth shut. He learned from all those years he's been in the team, talking back will only add fuel to the fire. Besides, he did make mistakes on that stage. He did not perform as well as he could have done. In fact, it was the worst performance he had in a while now. He doesn't need to look at the others to know that they were thinking of the same thing. Why did it matter, anyway? I was only dancing at the side, what audience noticed my mistakes? he quickly shoots down the looming dark thoughts. Even if everyone was paying attention to Taekwoon's and Jaehwan's high note, Hakyeon's commending presence, or Wonshik's exploding rapping, Sanghyuk's mistakes could have ruined the whole formation - they are a team! Sanghyuk bites his lips, he doesn't trust himself saying anything right now.

No one dares to make a peep as Hakyeon continues to stare down at Sanghyuk's bowed head, "You were almost late to the rehearsal too." "Sorry," Sanghyuk apologizes. A deep sigh escapes Hakyeon and besides his calculating look, everyone else looks elsewhere. The other hyungs were too tired to come up with excuses for the maknae. They watch, half-wishing Sanghyuk would defend himself, and waiting for Hakyeon to explode and get the bombing over with; but neither happened. Each suspenseful second ticks by is torture. In the midst of the Cold War, Sanghyuk was recoiling from the eldest’s wrath. “I’ll talk to you later. Alone,” Hakyeon finally says, though his eyes were no less forgiving. A collective relieved sigh echoes the room. They switch the attention from Sanghyuk's offense to tomorrow's schedule. Sanghyuk is only half-listening, his entire body is thoroughly spent from today's gig and last night’s practice:

When he shone, he was all sweaty from practicing for hours to perfect the dance moves.

Sanghyuk closed his eyes against the bright lights in the practice room. His aching body sprawled on the floor. Exhaustion was calling him but he had to fight it. Just an half  hour more... Sanghyuk promised his body. The body protested, That's you said two hours ago! So two hours had passed and his dance was still nowhere on par with Hakyeon hyung or Wonshik hyung. Sanghyuk got up into a sitting position, his eyes remained close...

...Just an half hour more.

When Sanghyuk opens his eyes again, the hyungs are all looking at him. Hakyeon hyung is clearly annoyed that Sanghyuk fell asleep in the middle of their family meeting. Taekwoon's sharp eyes are soft, and the other hyungs look on sympathetically. Jaehwan is the first to yawn and stretches his arms out, "I'm freaking tired too!" he complains in his aegyo tone, "Let's go to bed!"

"Me too," Hongbin quickly follows his example and stands up, "We have a long day tomorrow." He shoots Sanghyuk a signal that tells him to get away.

Except for Hakyeon and Sanghyuk, everyone else scrambles on their feet before the leader could dismiss them. The younger can read Hakyeon’s thoughts at once, Us hyungs have a million individuals' activities, and you only have one job to do, yet you screwed up? Hakyeon hyung says his "good night" briskly, before joining the others to beds.

"Omma," Sanghyuk says to his phone when he's taking a break from his vocal training. He clears his sore throat, making it less rasp for the ear on the other side, "Are you there?"

"Oh, Hyukkie," his mom answers, "What are you doing right now?"

"Taking a break."

"Good," his mom sounds relieved, "Resting is good. You look tired lately. Don't your hyungs

take care of you?"

Sanghyuk chuckles, "Omma, I'm twenty already. I can take care of myself."

"Still a baby," his mom tuts, "Don't keep everything to yourself when we're not around. How's Hongbin?"

Hongbin hyung is his mom's favourite, so he tells her that he's getting along with the Show's emcees and staff. And Hakyeon hyung is barely around anymore but he's keeping his spirit up. No Omma, they don't need anymore ginsaeng. And yes, Omma, Taekwoon hyung has been drinking the honey tea. Yes, Omma, Jaehwan hyung is still a ball of sunshine despite preparing Chess. And no, Omma, Wonshik hyung did not have a psychological break down from preparing for SMTM 4 (not yet, anyway). He will tell her everything that's going on with his hyungs' lives, as long as she doesn't ask about Sanghyuk’s.

"Hyukkie..." his mom starts, then stops. In the vast space between the one end of the phone to the other end across the city, Sanghyuk is acutely connected with his mom's worries too. He can hear her mind asking him, What about you? When can I see you on TV more often like I see your hyungs? A dull ache pierces his chest.

"Omma," Sanghyuk cuts her off from whatever that she will be saying that will hit his achilles' heel, "I need to go back practicing now."

"Wait, Sanghyuk..."

Sanghyuk holds his breath as he listens to her mom's wisdom before hanging up the phone.

Sanghyuk - "shining together"; the reminder makes him feel like dirt for thinking selfish thoughts. How can he be greedy for his own solo career before VIXX becomes the most popular Kpop group? VIXX is a team! But for how long? Hyuk cannot pretend that the inevitable will not happen. It is unspoken but all members know that VIXX is only a passing phase in their long lives. In five years or so, they will go on with their own individual careers. That’s why all of them are laying out their future careers foundations already, ranging from dramas, radio shows, variety show, and musicals. All of them are participating in one field or another, except for Sanghyuk. Where is his opportunity? Rationally, VIXX is a stepping-stone. Sentimentally, VIXX is a milestone that marks their youth. The members have sacrificed their most precious, briefest time to VIXX. And then what left? What about now? Young Sanghyuk suddenly feels really old.

Sacrifice.

If your effort goes wasted, then it will be sacrificed.

No. Sanghyuk has no time wasted on negative unproductive thoughts. He has thrown himself into a tough competition, so he has to sing.

When I shine, that's when my voice is heard, Sanghyuk strains to hit the high note. Who would have thought that Sanghyuk can sing this well? Everyone thought that he had a nice voice like an unpolished steel, then Memories hit the shelve that made a small dent in the chart and a huge impact on Sanghyuk’s career. He showed them - fans and antis - what he is capable of. Hyungs, friends, and family were proud of him. You only have one job. Yeah, that's right. Sanghyuk can't let them down. He starts the song from the beginning. It is a melody of longing; longing to be seen.

***

For the past few days, things were more or less the same for Sanghyuk and the members. Since Taekwoon, Hongbin, and Sanghyuk did not have a packed schedule like Hakyeon, Jaehwan, and Wonshik did, they were automatically the Healing Team. Taekwoon listened to Hakyeon ramble on and on about what happened to him during the day, whether it was rewarding, boring, or downright ty. The complaining usually did not last long though, since Hakyeon would fall asleep in a few minutes. When Wonshik took a break from his rap making and recording, Hongbin was readily there for him with whatever he needed. You want someone to talk to? I'll be there. You want some rice? I'll make it for you. You want someone to listen to your rap? Woah there. Just because my profile says main rapper, doesn't mean I know rap (not like Wonsik would show anyone his babies except to Jaehwan hyung).  As for Sanghyuk, he would play around with Jaehwan. He understood that putting fake spiders in Hakyeon's shoes and hearing him scream was a spiritual healing for Jaehwan hyung. As long as the pranks and jokes did not hurt them, Sanghyuk was his best wingman.

Sanghyuk has been falling into that kind of hectic but steady rhythm between practices, performances, school, and dorm life, the question of shining or not is buried in the back of his mind, until a company meeting pokes his wound again.

"So here's the story line," the creative director of Jelpi stands in front of the story board, briefing for the next mind-blowing concept for the Concept-dol. Just like any other meetings for their new comebacks, the air is mixed with subtle excitement, anticipation, agitation, and scrutiny. Mostly, the members and staff are all attentive to judge whether the next gift to the Kpop scene that's wrapped in unique bow tie will be their career booster.

"...Hyuk."

What?

What did she say?

"Are you confident to take on the challenge?"

Sanghyuk's mouth opens and closes. Is this real? He supposes so when Hongbin hyung is slapping him silly and hugging him like a maniac. And by the way that's Hakyeon smiling proudly and Taekwoon's clapping, Sanghyuk cannot fool himself thinking that he’s made the situation up. "Woo! Go, Hyukkie!" Wonshik chortles and slaps the table. A flash of disbelief and envy cross Jaehwan's face but the look passes quickly, bright smile quickly takes place.

"Are you sure?" Sanghyuk asks anxiously, "I'm the lead actor for the music video?" but I’ve never acted before!

Mr. Hwang - the CEO -  is not impressed by his question at all, "I'm sure, but if you don't have confident, I can always make Jaehwan do it."

No. Never! "I'll do my best!" Sanghyuk bows deeply in his seat. Hongbin pats his back, his smile is full of gum. Looking at his hyung smiling sincerely makes him laugh a little in bliss. The role is mine. No one can take it away from me. Sanghyuk decides possessively.

“Don’t be too happy yet,” Mr. Hwang warns, “things are going to Hell before they get better.”

Sanghyuk will be a mischievous fairy king like Puck, who drinks the nocturne accidentally and falls in an unrequited love with a mortal. “You did not look like you were in love; you looked pissed,” that’s the most memorable comment from his acting teacher. “So I can’t be pissed with a girl who doesn’t fall for my good looks?” was Sanghyuk’s reply. The first practice session did not end as well as Sanghyuk has expected.

“The Memories of You and Me,” Hongbin reads the title of the book out loud, “You’re reading those bad tear-jerking romance novels again?” he asks Sanghyuk teasingly.

“Shush. I’m studying,” Sanghyuk flips to the next page.

“You need help, Fairy Boy?” Hongbin pushes down the book from his face. Sanghyuk angles away from him so he will find out if Kiko would reject Kentaro… “I’ll practice with you.”

“Not now, hyung,” Sanghyuk shoos him away, annoyed.

“Just reading about love doesn’t tell you what true love is!”

“Leave me alone, hyung!”

Sanghyuk looks up after few minutes when Hongbin fell into silence. Sanghyuk sighs. He sees Hongbin who’s studying him coldly now.

“Fine. I will leave you alone,” Hongbin leaves the room after a loud bam. The door seals Sanghyuk in all by himself. I know he’s pissed, but at least I get some peace and quiet now, Sanghyuk thinks positively, Hongbin will get over it. Hongbin and Sanghyuk can never stay mad at each other for too long. Who would keep either of them company if they do not talk to each other? Sanghyuk expects that Hongbin will come bug him again faster than he wishes he would.

Sanghyuk finishes the Memories of You and Me in a few hours, and there is still no sign of Hongbin.

Sad Face: Sanghyuk pouts.

Happy Face: Sanghyuk stretches his lips upward.

Sad Face again.

Then Happy Face.

Sad Face. Happy Face. Sad Face. Happy Face… Sanghyuk alternates between the two expressions as fast as he can in front of the bathroom mirror, until he laughs at how ugly he looks. Just when Sanghyuk starts to enjoy the pain and ugliness in acting, Hongbin enters the room carrying his pajamas. Through the mirror, Sanghyuk watches Hongbin take off his shirt and pants and boxers and waits for anything that will be said to him. “You were practicing?” Hongbin asks but he does not look at the younger. “Uh, huh.” “Good,” Hongbin says before stepping into the shower stall. Strangely, Sanghyuk finds relief in one word, “Hyung, are you still ma-” the water turns on, cutting off anything Sanghyuk was about to say. Sanghyuk purses his lips, Fine. Be that way! It is Sanghyuk’s turn to slam the door.

“...so the fairy lives happily ever after knowing that his love is living a good life without him.”

Sanghyuk groans in frustration. If this is a movie or a book or a drama, he would have been moved to tear, but how is he suppose to show all these complicated too-good-for-this-world emotions when he had zero personal experience? Sure. Sanghyuk has gone through a several break-ups, but there was no “happily ever after.” He was mostly upset that all of his invested time and emotions were wasted in a fruitless relationship, but life goes on, until Sanghyuk forgot about his exes. Once in awhile, a random thought about one of his old girlfriends would pop up, and he’s content to assume that she’s eating and living well - his affection is an acquaintance to another acquaintance. Sanghyuk has never fell in love like the fairy did.

The bathroom door clicks open. Sanghyuk is suffocated in the living room now that Hongbin is out of the shower. He is definitely not pleased with his hyung for adding trouble onto his full plate. He gets up with his script and disappears to another room without acknowledging him.

Sanghyuk feels better once he is safely inside the shared bedroom. Wait. Why am I not in my room? he is startled by the sight of Taekwoon curling in his futon next to Hakyeon who fell asleep sitting up. His earbuds are still plugged in and an iPad is on his laps, in danger of sliding off of the edge. For a moment, Sanghyuk sits still to listen to his hyungs’ slow and regular breathings. The familiar sound is soothing, reassuring, Sanghyuk is lulling to sleep too because of their sturdy presence. No shadow can reach him when his hyungs are here. But it’s not good sleeping with earphones, Sanghyuk crawls over to Hakyeon, making the slightest sound. The second he takes one earbud off, Hakyeon jolts awake, “Hyukkie…” he murmurs and then his eyelids flutter close again. Sanghyuk removes the other earbud and Hakyeon catches his wrist midair, surprising Sanghyuk, “Talk. I’m listening.” Are you sure? Sanghyuk takes in Hakyeon’s tired face. Maybe he should just let him sleep after an exhausting day that ended at one a.m.

Before he can lay him in bed, Sanghyuk gets the iPad off of Hakyeon’s lap when the dark screen lights up, telling him that Hakyeon was watching Sanghyuk’s fancam. Sanghyuk peers back at his hyung who’s snoring already, though he said he would listen to him. Why were you monitoring me when you were dying of exhaustion? Don’t you trust me? Sanghyuk wants to shake him awake. “Hyukkie…” Hakyeon murmurs in his sleep, “...Good Hyukkie. I love you.” An immediate guilt hits him. Wasn’t Hakyeon hyung always there for him whether he was lecturing him or teasing him? Sometimes he forgot that Hakyeon hyung actually cares about him when he repeatedly scolded his everything.

Sanghyuk misses the days when they would stay up late, just talking. As the night drew on longer, more secrets was drawn out of Sanghyuk. Like an ocean, Hakyeon hyung was there for him to absorb them all. He listened to whatever he said attentively. At the end of the night, Hakyeon would offer him a piece of his valuable wisdom that’s based on his own experience. Those dark nights, Sanghyuk felt comforted without anyone his hair; he felt secured without being in anyone’s embrace. Hakyeon’s presence was enough to ease his worried mind. He substituted for the role of mother effortlessly. Sanghyuk missed that Hakyeon hyung. “N-Night,” Sanghyuk gently lays the sleeping Hakyeon onto the futon. He tucks him in - a rare gesture that he would only show to the eldest hyung when no one’s looking.

Taekwoon is looking. He is uncertain if the maknae knows, but he’s been looking out for him from the second that Sanghyuk got casted as the main lead. Taekwoon is not as observant as people have given him credit for, however, he knows the members long enough to hear their bottled thoughts. Just like Jaehwan, he was initially surprised that Sanghyuk is assigned with the crucial task. Jaehwan seemed to be the most likely candidate, since he is more experienced in acting and still has not played the main role in their MVs yet. Jaehwan was the obvious first choice. But Hyukkie... with no offer knocking on his door, it made sense that the company would take his future and potential into consideration. Nonetheless, it is obvious that Jelpi is gambling with VIXX’s next important comeback and Sanghyuk’s career. If Hyukkie is not going to perform satisfactorily like Hongbin did in Error, then their latest concept will not effectively surpass the previous, which means VIXX will take a step backward from being the trend. And evitably, Hyukkie's shaky pride will be shattered in one blow. Taekwoon can already see Hyukkie's guilt-stricken expression towards the members and the staff and everything that lies ahead of them... Taekwoon shakes his head; there is no use catastrophizing. If Hyukkie is not up to expectation, the director will replace him with Jaehwan. Only Hyukkie will be sacrificed in this cruel test.

Twenty-four hours later, things do not get any better. "Did you practice?!" Sanghyuk's teacher yells, frustrated, "You do know that you won't act with dialogue. You need to wear your heart on your sleeves and show everything that you feel with your expressions and gestures," he shudders as he recalls his soulless, zombie-like acting, "Have you ever been in love?" he asks abruptly, "Nevermind," he sighs after Sanghyuk's expression became blank, "We'll fix your gestures; they looked awkward."

After the Hellish acting class, Sanghyuk feels more alone than ever. Back in the dorm, Hongbin still keeps a distance from him. For what reasons though? When he told him to leave him alone, he did not mean to this extent! His acting as a main lead does not only concern Sanghyuk, his performance matters to the group’s comeback! How could his beloved hyung leave him all alone to bear VIXX’s future on his weak shoulders? Sanghyuk trembles as he realizes that their years of bond could be torn easily. That's why he did not reject Taekwoon’s invitation to the cafe at midnight. Might as well get some late night caffeine since there is no plan for sleeping tonight.

"How's your lesson?" Taekwoon asks. He takes a sip of his hot latte.

"Difficult," Sanghyuk drinks his cookie mocha too, "I don't know how you guys did it. Acting looks easy, but it's not."

Taekwoon laughs out loud, his small pearl teeth gleam under the soft light, "Kid, acting isn't easy. It took us years of lessons to be decent at it. We all have a lot to learn still."

"Ah!" Sanghyuk falls back onto his chair and groans, "But we're filming in a month!" How cute, Taekwoon laughs at Sanghyuk's whining.

"I don't think it's right for them to give you a short notice."

'Course Taekwoon hyung's on Sanghyuk side! Sanghyuk smiles back at him gratefully.

"What did the teacher say?"

"He said I looked unnatural like a psychotic monkey."

Taekwoon cracks up again, "You're joking," when Sanghyuk does not respond, he asks, "right?"

"I added the monkey part but I know he thinks that I’m a psycho. And..." he trails off. He's suddenly really interested into his lukewarm coffee. Taekwoon waits patiently for him. There is no need to rush as they are well into the conversation. The truth, the secret, like preys, will come out eventually if the hunter has patience. "...And he said that I never knew love."

Another smile slips from Taekwoon. He suppresses it upon seeing how solemn his dongsaeng appears. "This is not funny!" Sanghyuk whines, "I can't fall in love in a month! What do I do now?!"

Taekwoon sips on his latte thoughtfully. As adorable as Sanghyuk is, this is no laughing matter. “Use your brain,” he advised.

“Huh?” Did Taekwoon hyung just sass me?

“Imagine-”

“I did!” Sanghyuk cuts him off, “I imagined being in love. I watched Titanic, Gone With the Wind, and the Notebook, but my imagination !”

Taekwoon is ever so unfazed, “Imagine the times when your hyungs or family rejected you. Imagine that we don’t love you and you’re all alone.”

Sanghyuk is stunned and speechless, Like Hongbin does?!  He hears the buried bomb explode in his brain, This is too much, hyung!

Taekwoon peers at Sanghyuk’s pale face, “Looks like it worked,” he finishes the rest of his coffee calmly while Sanghyuk is left in ruined debris.

“Much better,” that’s all Sanghyuk’s teacher says to him. He does not betray that he is moved to tears by how much he has improved in a short time. While Sanghyuk’s gestures remain awkward, his expressions are haunted. Even when he is smiling, there is a tinge of sadness in his eyes. That’s another of the teacher’s complaint, “Though you were too depressing in every little thing,” he adds.

Sanghyuk shrugs. He does not tell his teacher about his last night’s nightmare where he was entrapped in impenetrable darkness. There was a box closing down on him on four sides. His heart was like trapped hummingbird pounding frantically in his chest. “Help!” he screamed, “Hongbin hyung! Hakyeon hyung! Taekwoon hyung! Where are you?! Omma!” The walls diminished the distance between them, and his voice dwindled until it was mute. His eyes yanked open after the walls had crushed his lone body. In the darkness of his bedroom, the air was dead quiet. Judging by the eerie silence, Wonshik hyung was spending another night at the studio. As annoying as his snoring was, Sanghyuk prefered his hyung over the lonely darkness.

So Sanghyuk acted as if the girl in the MV embodies everyone he loves and cares for. How would he feel if everyone turns away from him? What if abandonment looms on the horizon and everyone dashes away like fleeting hope? “Sanghyuk is too young,” he remembers Taekwoon said in an interview on MyDol. Back then, there was a fine precarious line between him and the existing trainees. Sanghyuk was well aware that he stood lower from them...  Though the members and he went through up’s and down’s for the past three years like brothers, sometimes, the old feeling of debuting amidst disapproval returns. He needs to try so much harder to prove to the members and fans that Jelpi made the right choice. When I shine, that’s when my hyungs stay. So he acted while thinking about Hongbin’s disappointment over Nakhun being eliminated instead of Sanghyuk. If Sanghyuk does not shine in his acting, everyone would turn his backs on him. He would be reduced to the dimming lone star in the vast universe… Losing everyone will be his punishment for not being better than the ex-trainees.

“Hyukkie…” Jaehwan breathes heavily next to him, “Submit to me...” his beet red face matches with Sanghyuk’s. Sanghyuk grunts, gritting his teeth as Jaehwan makes his dangerously close advance. Sanghyuk moans as he stands his ground, determined not to lose his mind because of how good Jaehwan is. Jaehwan huffs, he is so near to make Sanghyuk scream in agony. “Ah!” Sanghyuk screeches. He bends over on all four, pounding his fists on the living room’s floor, while one hand is holding a wii controller. Jaehwan does a silly little dougie when his side of the TV screen says “WIN”. “You have to do the laundry today!” Jaehwan yells in his childish pitched voice.

“How did you win?!” Sanghyuk cries, “You’re not athletic at all!”

“Hyukkie, that was video game, not real tennis. Awe,” the hyung pats his hair, “I’ll let you win in a real game next time.”

Sanghyuk moves away from him, “I’ll crush you!” he pounces on Jaehwan who’s now on the couch.

“Ow!” Jaehwan winces in pain when the giant scary maknae is rattling his bone on top of him.

Sanghyuk sees Jaehwan’s face distorted in pain and stops the assault, “Are you acting?” he asks dubiously. Sanghyuk is developing trust issue as he is living with four other actors.

“Pabo, my body is sore from practicing.”

Sanghyuk gets off of him, “Sorry.”

Jaehwan rolls his tense shoulders and cracks his neck loose. “Aish, don’t do that!” Sanghyuk cringes at the sound of bone snapping..

“‘Kay, kiddo. How’s your acting anyway?”

“I got better,” Sanghyuk brags, “My teacher yells at me less now.”

“Aigoo. Too bad I was too busy to help you.”

“Whatever. I got Taekwoon hyung,” Sanghyuk smiles smugly.

Jaehwan kicks his , “So you got Taekwoon hyung now. What about me, huh?” he screeches in his jealous ajumma voice, “What about me?!”

“Jesus, hyung! I’m thankful to you already for not taking the main lead!”

Jaehwan promptly stops his kicks, “What did you say?” he asks, all amusement gone from his tone.

Sanghyuk gulps, shrinking away from him. Why did you say that? he mentally reprimands his big mouth. “Nothing,” he answers lamely.

Jaehwan observes Sanghyuk’s guilt-stricken posture. It would be a lie to say that the role of main lead has not been a thorn to their relationship. Taekwoon and Jaehwan already discussed it. They both came to the conclusion that Sanghyuk being the main is the best decision for the maknae. Though, looking at how insecure Sanghyuk is right now sparks annoyance in Jaehwan, as if he is watching an opportunity being flushed down the toilet while it would have survived in Jaehwan’s hands. Still, he should not get angry at his dongsaeng. “I don’t want to hear something like that from you again,” Jaehwan holds his steadfast gaze, “If you’re confident, the role is yours and no one else can take it. You’re going to be eaten alive if you can’t protect yourself. Do you understand, Hyukkie?”

Sanghyuk cannot tear his gaze off of Jaehwan’s who's full of passion, if only Sanghyuk could be half as passionate as Jaehwan. He nods numbly.

Jaehwan releases his held breath. He grabs a tuft of Sanghyuk’s hair in his hand, “Just be selfish for once. You don’t need to worry about me.”

Jaehwan’s words leave Sanghyuk feels utterly stupid. Of course there is no reason for him to worry about Jaehwan. Jaehwan is already building his resume after playing the main lead in Boarding House No. 24 and Chess, while Sanghyuk only did Hitmaker. Sanghyuk cringes at the pathetic comparison. He only has the music video to make his name now.

When I shine… the phrase still seizes terror in Sanghyuk, “You trust my acting?”

“Yah!” Jaehwan finally lets his anger leaks a bit, “Stop being a baby and do the laundry already! Why don’t I trust you, huh? You stupid child!”

Sanghyuk gets up to his full height and towers over Jaehwan, “Who’s the baby?” he growls.

“I’m sorry, Hyulk-nim!”

Sanghyuk crashes down on his cutie hyung. “Don’t kill me!” Jaehwan pleads while Sanghyuk’s genuine laughs echo in the dorm.

It’s all about the expressions, Sanghyuk tells himself in the mirror. His arms stretch far apart, embracing the beat with his entire body. He bends his knees and moves his legs in tune of the music. He dips his shoulders. He raises himself up. He slices the air with his practiced limbs; all of his moves are mechanical. If Hakyeon is here, he would point out his soullessness. Sanghyuk slows to a stop. It is meaningless that his dancing is surpassing Taekwoon hyung if his dancing will not move his audience like his hyung does. Why is everything so hard? Whenever Sanghyuk thinks that his dancing or acting or singing or variety skill is improving, his confidence meets with unsatisfied steel walls. “It could be better,” the acting teacher told him. Anything Sanghyuk did “could be better”. Sanghyuk pours water down his throat. He’s sick of the discontent already. He is only going through the hardships that most idols are experiencing. He saw Hongbin, Wonshik, and Taekwoon broke down crying; Sanghyuk was not the only one. He picks himself off the ground again. Jaehwan hyung was right, if he cannot protect himself against the criticisms in the world, he would not survive. There are always others who are out to tear him down.

“Oh, Hyukkie,” Wonshik pokes his head into the practice room, “You still up?”

Sanghyuk is startled by his sudden appearance. When was the last time he saw his hyung? Twenty-four hours ago seems like an eternity. “Are you going home now?” he asks the dishevelled hyung. He frowns upon the dark circles that etch under Wonshik’s eyes. “Nah, I’m taking a break. Wanna start the music all over again?” Sanghyuk obeys. He does not question his idea of “taking a break” is practicing his dance. It was just like the time when Hakyeon took breaks from practicing with studying exams. Maybe it’s time for Sanghyuk to find his own stress-reliever? Dancing with his hyung re-energizes Sanghyuk somehow. He is keeping up with Wonshik’s powerful jabs and Wonshik’s breathing is coordinated with Sanghyuk’s. Sanghyuk admires how cool and in sync both of them look in the mirror. Adrenaline courses through his veins as he pushes his worn-out body to the limit to create the perfect harmony with Wonshik hyung. Though his muscles are ripping, his smile is tearing his lips apart. Many nights of practicing Memory did not go to waste as Sanghyuk and Wonshik now set the practice room on fire. “Hyung!” he bumps his shoulder against his once they completed the choreo, “We looked amazing together!” “Not bad,” Wonshik comments before collapsing onto the floor.

Sanghyuk drinks more water. He looks over at Wonshik who sprawls out on the dirty floor, it seems like he’s falling asleep. “Water,” Wonshik beckons Sanghyuk over. Sanghyuk slides over with his water bottle to pour some into his mouth. During the few serene minutes, Sanghyuk is feeding him the clear liquid without words. He ceases pouring when Wonshik touches his forearm. “Hyukkie,” Wonshik looks up at him firmly, “make up with Hongbin.”

“Making up for what? I forgot why we stopped talking to each other.”

“Maknaes,” Wonshik mutters, “the remember! I’m ing sick of Hongbin talking about you all the time! For my sake, please talk to him.”

Sanghyuk can imagine his closest hyung complaining about him to Wonshik. That’s ridiculous, considering Hongbin was the one to keep distance first.

“He cried.”

“What?!” Sanghyuk gapes at him, “No way! Because of me?!”

Wonshik smiles then, “You do care about him. Yes! I won’t go bankrupt because of Hongbin. Whenever he’s around, my productivity rate is zero.”

“Uh, oh. That’s not good,” Sanghyuk looks at him gravely, “You still have to buy me steak.”

“I have to?” Wonshik raises an eyebrow, “Maybe. After you did good in our music video, which for sure you’ll ace it.”

Sanghyuk stares at him, daring to be a little bit hopeful when his hyung sounds confident in him, “You think so?”

“Yeah. Remember how difficult it was when we were recording Memory? Yet, the Maknae on Top sang my song like an angel. I won’t forget Memory even after I died,” though Wonshik sounded awfully cheesy, but he was strangely sincere. Sanghyuk should have as much faith in himself as Wonshik.

“You were shining so bright, Hyukkie. You were the star of the stage.”

That was more than enough for Sanghyuk to keep shining.

“Hongbin hyung?” Sanghyuk asks on the other side of the door, “I’m coming in,” he rattles impatiently on the bedroom door knob only to find it’s locked.

“Just a sec!” Hongbin yells back. Sanghyuk can hear panic in his emphasis.

Sanghyuk shuffles his feet uneasily, “Hongbinnie, what are you doing?”

No answer.

“Hyung?” Sanghyuk hears feet shuffling behind the door. Then a click. “Oh...God…” Sanghyuk gasps. His uncontainable laughter makes Hongbin glare at him. Sanghyuk pulls on his long red hair, “The VIXX Girl’s wig!” tears coagulate his eyes, “Why?”

Hongbin crosses his arms, “You stopped ignoring me now I’m dressed up as a girl? Yah! Stop laughing!”

“Awe!” he chokes on his laugh, “You look so pretty.”

Hongbin hits his head, “Shut up! Why did you ignore me?!”

“You stopped talking to me first!” Sanghyuk argues back, baffled.

“You told me to leave you alone!”

“Why did you listen to me?!” Sanghyuk yells, “I’m stupid anyway!”

They stare down at each other hostilely, then Hongbin laughs, “‘I’m stupid...’” Sanghyuk joins in too because he is dumb. “Pabo Hyuk,” he twirls his strands of flowing hair.

Then Sanghyuk ceases laughing, “Wait, hyung. What’s really going on?”  Sanghyuk narrows his eyes, scrutinizing Hongbin, “We’ve never fought for so long.”

Instead of answering him, Hongbin walks back into the room, Sanghyuk follows his example and sits on the floor. Sanghyuk watches Hongbin play with his jittery hands. The younger gives into his urge and holds his hands still. “Tell me,” Sanghyuk prompts gently.

“Well,” Hongbin plays with Sanghyuk’s fingers now, “I thought I could help you from afar too… You know that Fairy Boy suffers because his love interest treats him like he’s invisible, right?” some colour tints his cheeks, “Since, you know, we care for each other, and you told me to leave you alone, so I thought maybe I could get you into the role…” Hongbin kicks the floor, “Aish! This is so embarrassing!” he buries his warm face in their entwined fingers, “Let me die.”

“So here’s the wig,” Sanghyuk his long hair, clearly enjoying his hyung’s turmoil.

Hongbin nods, still not meeting his amused eyes.

“Thanks, hyung.”

“You’re ing welcome,” Hongbin takes a peep at Sanghyuk, “So I helped you when I wasn’t around twenty-four/seven?”

“Ah… the peace and quiet I had living without Lee Hongbin.”

“Jerk. I’m not practicing with you anymore.”

“But you’re all dressed up!”

“That’s it! I’m taking it off!”

Sanghyuk pulls Hongbin back to him, “C’mon. Let me do your make-up.”

“No way! That’s what the fans think we’re doing at dorm! Dress up as girls and put rouge on each other and have giggly sleepover and then bang ea-”

“Got it!” Sanghyuk cuts him off, flustered.

“-in skirts,” Hongbin finishes and earns himself painful pull on his hair.

“Hey,” Hongbin asks while Sanghyuk is fetching a tube of red lipstick.

“What?”

“You were thinking about me when you practiced acting, right?”

“What do you think?” Sanghyuk concentrates on drawing the crimson full lips. Of course he was thinking about him. He was thinking about all of them. Without VIXX, there would not be Hyuk. Even when he is lost, VIXX always pulls him back on course, so he will never stray far. They are also the one who push him off course. Be selfish, Hyukkie! Go get you want, Hyukkie! Be yourself, Hyukkie! Geez, how could he be all that without VIXX? When I shine, I’m with VIXX. He will remember it all:

"Wait, Sanghyuk..." he listened to his mother’s arranging thoughts being put to words, “‘Sanghyuk’ -'shining together'- don't you forget that..."

Author's note: /Shed happy tears/ Hyuk is finally getting his chance to shine! I've been writing this for the past week and I wondered what he's been doing and then bam! Best of luck Hyukkie. I'm sure you can do good in a comedy. <3

Oh yeah. This turns out to be more Hyukbin than I thought. I only ship Hongbin and Hyuk with each other.

Subsribe, upvotes, and comments will be much appreciated. Tell me if it was realistic for you or what. It took me forever to portray the dynamic between members and how Hyukkie might feel OTL.

Write you soon (hopefully).

-suzyelf