I watch you approach her. You have that smile on your face I rarely get to see. She’s the only one who can make you that happy. Only her. The bond you share with her is very strong, isn’t it? I envy her.

I can still remember the day we first met. I was a transfer student to your school. As a newbie, I had no idea who’s who in the school. Being the careless that I am, I accidentally bumped into you. The moment our gazes met, I knew I had fallen for you. I couldn’t believe it myself. I wasn’t one who believed in love at first sight. What snapped me out of my reverie were the gasps I heard. Then I knew you were the kind of guy everyone loved. After that incident, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.

Everytime I’d see you pass, I would feel my cheeks heat up. My palm would sweat and I would feel very nervous for no reason at all. This caused my friends to tease me. I was always scared that you’d know about my affection for you someday.

Then one morning, as I was sitting in the room, minding my own business, I saw everyone rush towards the window. Curious, I tried to join the rest. Everyone seemed to be looking at something, rather, someone. I followed their gazes. What I saw would be the reason of the sudden change I took in.

Infront of the whole school, you were kneeling on your right knee, holding what seems to be a ring towards a girl. Out of the blue, you shouted to the top of your lungs.

“Lee Yeon Hee, please accept this ring and tell me you would marry me.”

Then the crowd went wild. I didn’t need to hear her answer. Who would dare turn down a once in a lifetime offer?

I excused myself from the crowd. I couldn’t help but cry. I should have known. You were the person everyone wanted to be with. Who am I to be noticed by you? And compared to Lee Yeon Hee unnie? Heck, she’s the princess of the school! If I stood beside her I would look live a peasant. So I locked myself inside the janitor’s closet. I couldn’t care less what was in there. I cried my heart out.

The next day I became a nerd. I decided to just focus only on my studies. There are lots of people in the world. I’m sure one of them would be my match. So while I was waiting for the “right one”, I drowned myself in books and grades. But at the back of my mind, I knew I’d never get over you.

Then senior year came. And like the speed of light, it was graduation time. All my hard work paid off. I graduated with flying colors.

When it was time for college, I decided to take up architecture. It was then that we met again. This time, you were 24 and I was 21. I tried my best not to fall for you again, knowing the consequences. But fate was just too cruel to me. For the second time around, I found myself falling for you.

This time though, I knew my limitations. You were probably happily married now to Yeon Hee unnie. So I refrained myself from being too drawn in to you again.

Years passed and I was now working at a firm. Successful, one may say. Happy? Yeah, you could say that. But the best part was I thought I had found my perfect match. Taecyeon.

We met at the firm I was working at. After a few months of courting, we finally became official. I was very happy during those months we were together. We were such a happy couple. Others were envious of us. To them, it seemed like we were perfect for each other.

They thought wrong. I finished up late one night because of the project that was assigned to me. I called Taecyeon asking him if he could take me home. However he told me he was too busy and wouldn’t be able to do so. I decide to go home alone. I was hungry so I stopped by the nearest café. But my appetite was instantly gone the moment I laid my eyes on the two people sitting at the corner of the shop—Taecyeon and Yoona kissing. I ran out as fast as I can, got a cab, then went home. That day, I ended my relationship with him.

The following days, I was miserable. I had thought that I’d truly found the one I would spend my life with.

Now I was even more careful. Three years has passed and I was now 27, turning 28. On the day of my birthday, although to me it didn’t seem like that at all, I got a phone call from a mystery person asking for me to go to a café. Although the voice seemed familiar, I just couldn’t pinpoint who it was. I had doubts if I should go or not. But what could go wrong? The mystery person asked me to go to a well known café. And that person even asked me to go there at 2:00 pm. That’s way too early for someone planning to harm me. So I accepted the offer.

Once I arrived at the café, I nearly popped my eyes out. You were there, standing with a balloon on one hand and a box, which looked like a present, on the other. You approached me, handing me the box. But I couldn’t care less about the box. I was stunned at how you remembered, no, knew it was my birthday that day. Before I could even start my question, you told me “Don’t be surprised, a secret admirer would know a lot about the person he’s in love with.”

That stunned me even more. “You? You can’t be my secret admirer.” I voiced out.

“You sure?”

“Yes. Aren’t you married?”

“What? Since when was I married?”

“Since . . .” I stopped. You were right. Since when were you married? I mean I never really heard what Yeon Hee unnie said, right? All this time I have always assumed.

After that, we had a talk. I couldn’t believe you were already in your thirties. You still look so young. While we were having a chit chat, you asked me to open the present. And I gladly did. Inside were a white dress and another box, this time smaller. It was velvet. I opened it and inside was a silver ring and a note saying “Be mine.” I was shocked that I blurted out the first thing that popped into my mind.

“We only met now, after I don’t know how many years, and you’re asking me to marry you?”

“I’m not rushing you. I know it’s all too sudden, but please think about it. I’ve secretly admired you for the last 6 years.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I’m afraid I am.”

Then everything started there. We dated for about a year then I finally said “yes” to your proposal. It was all too good to be true. I knew there was a catch.

Months after our wedding, I stumbled upon a box inside your office. Curiosity got the best of me so I opened it. Inside were pictures of you with Yeon Hee unnie. I was stunned. Why were you keeping pictures of her? Then I found a small envelope. I opened it as carefully as I could. It read:

Dear Donghae oppa,

              I’m sure you’re wondering why I suddenly wrote a letter to you, huh? Well, that’s because I’m not capable of talking anymore. I’m sorry that I only told you this now. I’m dying oppa. They told me I only have a few days to live. A week, at most. Don’t worry; I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ll always be fine.

              Oppa, please don’t cry for me. Be happy. Just because I didn’t accept your proposal doesn’t mean you should never marry. This isn’t the end for you. I want you to fall in love again. You remember that pretty girl I told you about, Jung Jessica? She loves you. I can see it in her eyes. Make her happy too, arraso? Why don’t you try and work things out with her? I’m sure you’ll end up loving her too.

              Well, that’s about it. I’ll be watching over you oppa. Saranghae.

                                                                                                                                 -Lee Yeon Hee

I could feel my tears trickling down my cheeks. So all of this was for her. I should have known. I know she had good intentions when she wrote that. But it only hurts me more. Knowing you “admired” me because she said so kills me. Like you were only forced to do this because of your undying love for her. Do you know how it feels? I was just another option. A default. A plan B. Nothing else. I couldn’t take it so I exited your office. To my surprise you were outside, looking at me with regretful eyes. I instantly wiped my tears away. No matter what, I still chose this path, didn’t I? I’m your wife now. I should be happy. So why can’t I? Because I know this wasn’t what was supposed to happen.

You tried to approach me but I shook my head.

“I’m alright.” I lied. When you tried to hug me, I resisted. “I need time, Donghae. I’ll be in the room.”

Inside, I locked myself up. I was crying like mad. How could I help it? It felt like you tricked me.

After that, I distanced myself. I even planned to file a divorce, but you strongly opposed to it. Besides, the thought of us being separated was enough to shatter my already-broken-heart.

It’s been months since that incident. I was now numb inside. We were never happy again after that. The thought of having a family never even became our interest. Today, we decided to visit her grave.

When will I ever be truly happy?  Will I always be miserable? First with Taecyeon, and now you. Was I that evil in my past life? Do I deserve this kind of life? What do I do now? I guess I’ll just have to wait for my time. And hope that in my next life. I’ll be happy.

“Mrs. Lee, are you alright?” The driver looked back then asked me. I decided to stay inside the car. It would only cause awkwardness if I went with you. A single tear escaped my eyes.

“Yes, I’m alright.” I answered. Who was I kidding?  How could I be alright if I have only always been second best?

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