The first change that Jimin noticed was the cigarette butts, scattered on the window sill, crumbled and stubbed out into the ash pile they left when burning up. Jimin figured they were Namjoon's, the leader sometimes had a smoke or two when he working on a particularly tricky rap. Jimin had thought Namjoon had stopped though, after getting chewed out by Seokjin so much. But Jimin supposed that it took a bit longer than two days to quit, so he shrugged and swiped the used cigarettes into the trash and let it go, leaving the room to go meet Taehyung, pushing the thoughts of smoke and ash out of his head. 

It wasn't untill he entered the room a week later that the thoughts of the cigarettes returned. Instead of Namjoon leaning against the window sill, tapping his fingers against the glass in a steady beat as he mumbled under his breath, working out the rap, finding the words that evaded him for so long in the studio. Instead, it was Yoongi, lazily slumped against the way, angled towards the open window, a cigarette held gently in his fingers, staring out into the world, but not seeing anything, his mind somewhere else and for a moment, Jimin ached to go to where Yoongi was now. Yoongi turned slowly towards the door, blinking glassily at Jimin. Yoongi smiled faintly. Yoongi slowly reached up with his free hand and pushed his index finger against his smiling lips, hushing Jimin. 

Jimin froze, taking in the sight of Yoongi taking a deep breath of the cigarette, holding the smoke in his lungs before releasing it, and the way he did it seemed so natural to Jimin, like Yoongi had practiced it until he was perfect. But it didn't make sense to Jimin, Yoongi didn't smoke, and if he did now, he didn't before, he often made fun of Namjoon for the habit they now seemed to share, he often advised the younger members against the habit, yet here he was taking in the smoke without a word of resistance. 

"I-" Jimin started before he stopped. What was he going to say? what could he say? 

"Do me a favor, Jimin?" Yoongi said. "Don't tattle to Seokjin, he has enough to worry about and this isn't a big deal." 

Jimin didn't replied, just swallowed thickly and nodded, but Yoongi didn't see it, he was already turned back to the window, staring but not seeing, already gone. 

Jimin felt the want to go there, where Yoongi was now, he wanted to be there, he wanted Yoongi to take him with him. But instead, Jimin just left the room, closing the door quietly behind him. 

-

Jimin didn't tell Seokjin, he thought about it, but Yoongi was right in the end, Seokjin had too much to deal with and Jimin didn't want to add to it, and Yoongi would probably kick his for tattling, so Jimin kept his mouth shut. He often wondered who else knew. Namjoon didn't, or he would've outed Yoongi when he for his smoking habit. Seokjin didn't, if he did then Yoongi wouldn't have told Jimin not to tell Seokjin, Jungkook and Taehyung would've outed him by now after they tried blackmailing him (which probably wouldn't work). And Hoseok would've been all frowny and supportive as he tried to stop Yoongi from smoking, probably would've staged an intervention like he'd done with Namjoon. Jimin felt some smugness in being the only one to know Yoongi's secret. 

Jimin felt closer to Yoongi and thats what he'd been trying to accomplish since he met him. Yet it ached too, to be close because he knew something that the others didn't and Yoongi didn't want them to know. It felt wrong, it wasn't what Jimin imagined, there was no shy glances, no flushed cheeks, no light touching of fingertips when they thought the others couldn't see. 

No, instead it was a 'did you tell them?' look and a slight shake of the head and a ghost of a relieved smile and that was it, nothing more. Just like that it was over. 

Jimin didn't know what he was expecting, nothing changed. It was the same between them as it always been. 

Jimin felt the want again, it felt closer this time now, climbing to his chest.

-

The second thing that he noticed was the four bright, orange containers that were stuffed into Yoongi's pillowcase, he only noticed when he had began stripping the beddings for laundry at Seokjin's request. Jimin stared at the bright bottles, strewn across the floor, a startling contrast to the tan carpet. It didn't register in Jimin mind, he tired to place them, but when he did, the answer in the same sentence as Yoongi's name didn't make sense and he searched for something else these could possibly be, but nothing came to mind. They had to be pill bottles. 

Jimin dropped the pillow case as he crouched down, picking an bottle up and reading the container's label, as he did, the door swung open and Jimin startled, dropping the bottle and throwing the pillow over them in case it was Seokjin, Jimin didn't understand why he was hiding it from Seokjin, smoking was one thing, and Yoongi has told him not to tell Seokjin. But these bottles were worst than smoking. 

"Ah, ." Yoongi huffed, pushing Jimin aside and picking up the bottles. "I told you guys I'd do my own bedding." Yoongi opened his drawer and shoved the containers into the back, before closing it and turning to Jimin, who hadn't moved since Yoongi had entered the room. 

"I-" Jimin started again before closing his mouth, Yoongi stayed slient as he waited for Jimin to speak. 

"What are those bottles?" Jimin asked finally. 

Yoongi shrugged. "A friend gave them to me." He replied. "It's not a big deal. Don't tell Seokjin, okay, Jimin?" 

Jimin bit his lip, it seemed like a big deal, and he felt the need to tell Seokjin, he worried about Yoongi, he'd been more reserved lately, hiding away in the studio until the early hours of the morning, and even then staying in the room he shared with Namjoon, saying he was writing or composing. But Jimin wondered if there was something else going on. 

"Jimin?" Yoongi said, snapping Jimin out of his thoughts. 

"Ah, yeah, okay." He agreed, gathering up the bedding and leaving the room, aware of Yoongi's eyes on him. 

- 

Weeks passed and Jimin kept Yoongi's secrets safe, swiping away cigerette ash, disposing of empty pill bottles and later, empty beer cans. Yoongi became more recluse, staying at the studio for days, sleeping there, when he came back to the dorm, his fingers would shake, he was short of breath during the dance routines and leaving for breaks more often, returning looking relaxed and stinking of smoke, at least to Jimin, but maybe Jimin only noticed because he knew. Yoongi looked gone more, his eyes glassing over easily, he drifted off quickly and Jimin no longer wanted to go with him. He wanted Yoongi to stay here, and a part of him ached, because he wasn't enough to make Yoongi stay. 

Where ever Yoongi went so much, had something better than Jimin. 

The members were beginning to notice, it was impossible not to at this point. They often had to call Yoongi's name a few times before he snapped to attention and in dance he was beginning to falter.

Seokjin asked Jimin what was wrong with Yoongi and Jimin almost told him, almost, but didn't, instead, Jimin shrugged and smiled tightly, leaving the converstation before he could be questioned further. 

He promised Yoongi he wouldn't say anything, the secret made him feel closer than he'd ever been to the rapper and if this was the only closeness he could get it, then he would take it and preserve it for as long as he could. 

-

Yoongi was leaning against the side of the buliding when Jimin found him, a cigerette in one hand and a pill bottle in another as he stared at the label, before popping open the top. 

"Yoongi." Jimin said, when he was in front of him. 

Yoongi looked up. "Hey, whats up?" 

Jimin frowned. "What are you doing?" 

Yoongi shrugged in reply, closing the top of the container and pushing it into his pocket. 

"You said this wasn't a big deal-" 

"And it's not." Yoongi cut off Jimin. "Its just a cigarette and some pills, its fine." 

"Its not just smoking and pills, you're drinking too..and everyone is worried about you." Jimin objected. 

Yoongi shrugged again, flicking the ash of his cigarette before taking a long drag and holding it. 

Jimin bit his lip again, staring down at pavement, tracing the cracks and marks in the cement. 

"Did you tell them?" Yoongi asked after a moment. 

Jimin shook his head. 

it was quiet for awhile and Jimin listened to Yoongi's deep breathing and the wind rustling through the leaves as people entered and left the buliding, the door opening and closing. 

Suddenly Jimin felt fingers under his chin, tiliting his head up and before he had time to process, he felt chapped lips press against his. Jimin froze, Yoongi was kissing him. He had wanted this for so long, dreamed about it, imagined it a thousand different ways. Just not this way. He'd imagined it somewhere private, some where comfortably, he'd imagined maybe confessing and Yoongi kissing him gently. 

This was all wrong, it felt impersonal, it felt detached, like Yoongi was doing it to prove he could, it had nothing to do with feelings and thats not what he wanted. He didnt want to get kissed by his crush behind a dance building, he didn't want to feel so used, and he didn't want Yoongi mouth to taste like ash. Jimin shoved Yoongi away and stepped back, putting more distance between them, it was almost ironic, after so much time trying to be close to the rapper, now, he just wanted to run away, be as far away from Yoongi as he could. Jimin glared at the brick wall, but he could see the cruel smirk decorating Yoongi's face. 

"I guess they're right." Yoongi mused, pushing off the building. "No one wants to kiss a smoker." Yoongi pushed his hands into his pockets, his hand clutching the pill bottle. He passed Jimin. "Even the desperate ones." 

Jimin stood there long after Yoongi left, replaying his words over in his head, Yoongi thought he was desperate, he was playing with him. Tears welled up in Jimin eyes and he brushed at them roughly. Jimin was well acquainted with rejection, so he didn't understand why this hurt so bad. 

Taehyung came out to get him after an hour and when he saw his red rimmed eyes, he didn't say anything, instead hugged him once and took him back inside. Jimin carefully avoided Yoongi's eye and if anyone noticed they didn't ask, Jimin was greatful, he wasn't sure he'd be able to answer anyway. 

Jimin took to avoiding Yoongi, only interacting when he was forced to due to fansigns and interviews and concerts. And yet, he still kept Yoongi's secrets.

- 

A month went by since Yoongi had kissed Jimin, Jimin had been careful not to be left alone with Yoongi, his heart ached when he thought of Yoongi's actions and he had tried to keep himself busy, that night he had been at the dance studio, working on a new dance and had lost track of time, seeing it was late and a message from Taehyung saying they were going out to dinner and would be back later. 

Jimin figured they'd bring him back something, they always did. He looked forward to having the dorm to himself, planning on showering and watching something as he napped on the couch until the members returned. However, his plans for the night were ruined when he got to the dorm to see Yoongi sitting on floor of the living room, against the couch, his head leaned back as he blew smoke out of his lungs, a ciggarette in its natural place between Yoongi's fingers. 

Jimin froze, like he did the first time he caught Yoongi smoking, but too much had happened since, and Jimin wished he tolcould've gone back and shaken Yoongi, asked him what the hell he thought he was doing, he wished he told Seokjin, he wished he'd broken his promise, maybe it wouldn't have become what it did. But it was too late for that, and wishes never came true anyway, or not in Jimin's experience. 

Yoongi turned his head lazily, looking at Jimin, but his eyes were glassed over, looking at him, but not really seeing him, just like before. Yoongi patted the floor next to him, beckoning Jimin to sit. 

Jimin did as he was told, sitting next to Yoongi. They sat in silence and Jimin took the time to look at Yoongi as he smoked, always holding in the smoke for just a few seconds before releasing it, like he didn't really want to let it go, he had the look in his eyes, slowly drifting the left as he disappeared into his hiding place, somewhere that Jimin couldn't follow, somewhere Jimin had longed to go for so long that it ached. But, looking at Yoongi now, Jimin got it. 

Yoongi had changed, he wasn't the same person Jimin had met so long ago, no, this was someone new, someone Jimin didn't know. This person sitting next to him, wasn't who he fell in love with. He was too different, too cruel, too distant and too broken. He took pills and smoke and drank to cope with his life. Jimin wasn't sure what happened, was it the industry? was it life? Had Yoongi taken all that he could? 

And yet..there was something in him that reminded Jimin of the old Yoongi, the one he loved, and if thats all that he could have, then he would take it, and preserve it the best he could. Even if it meant he had to change too. 

So when Yoongi held out the pack of cigarettes, Jimin took one and asked for a light, Yoongi smiled faintly and passed him a lighter, and for a moment, Jimin saw Yoongi in that smile and as Jimin inhaled the smoke, holding it briefly as he'd seen Yoongi do a thousand times, he told himself that this closeness was enough. 

Jimin exhaled and watched the smoke swirl and fade away. 

Just like Yoongi.