i/iii

Life is like a blank space of white paper, and it is our own choice on how we want it to be. There are particular moments when I feel as if I am missing something out. As if there is a hole, an empty spot in my life that should be filled with colors to complete my picture. I feel incomplete. But I can’t quite pinpoint which part of it is missing. I wonder if this person I saw in the pictures has something to do with these feelings. I did ask Kyungsoo hyung about him before. But his answer was always the same. That the person was no one – just a friend from my past that I shouldn’t remember. But I doubt it. How could 'friends' seem so... attached to each other; inseparable?

I hope, someday, I will meet the man in the pictures. And find out what I mean to him and what he means to me.

- OSH

I close my eyes and saw our first hello

And then I saw the time we fell in love

In each others' arms

I open my eyes and you were gone

Suddenly I realized how I love you so

And how I get surprised without your love

Since the time we say goodbye

By the time Luhan reaches his destination, his whole body is already drenched from head to toes. He did not expect it to rain at all since today is predicted to be a sunny and bright Sunday morning. At least that was what he heard from his best friend slash roommate slash -he-regrets-being-friend-with.

Jongdae had come to his room at ‘the crack of the dawn’, heartlessly woke him up with his horribly loud and unpleasant voice, singing a song Luhan could scarcely recognize, before went to his bed and yelled a blaring ‘wake up and shine, my friend! It’s gonna be a lovely day. Someone’s waiting for you~~’. Well, actually he could really hear the ‘~’ in his unbelievably cheery exclaim. Okay, perhaps Jongdae did not mention that today will be all ‘sunny and bright’. But isn’t ‘lovely day’ means it?

Luhan unwillingly shivers when the wind blows, hitting his cold and wet body harshly. He curses lightly and rubs his nose with the back of his hand. He is sure that his face (features), specifically nose, must be in an ugly pink color from the undying cold weather. God, how is he supposed to meet that certain kid when he seems so pathetic like this?

Gathering his courage and remaining self-confidence, he saunters briskly towards the green house located only few meters away. After all, he misses his little angel greatly, and he believes the kid is missing him too.

Luhan knocks the door – eager and excited, but at the same time, ashamed of himself for not being there for the child. He rather sends his only son away for a week when he’d got some things to do. But he knows nothing is more important than his family. Not that he has a complete family – it’s only him and his son.

“Ah, Luhan!” Young, the middle-age babysitter coos when she sees him. “I almost thought you have forgotten Shixun.” She grins and makes a gesture for him to follow her inside. But then she realizes his wet clothes. He is not covered in rain water anymore, but still, his damp outfit was sticking on his body and it is inappropriate to be inside someone’s house when he is wet.

“Oh, dear. Wait here. I will bring a towel for you.”

Luhan watches as she goes inside a room before she returns with a warm towel in her hand. “Here. Get yourself dry first. You don’t want to meet your son in this condition, do you?” she says in a motherly tone, smiling kindly at him while handing him the towel.

He grins bashfully and takes the towel. To be honest, Luhan really likes her for her gentle manner. He swears he would have married this woman if only she’s still young. But unfortunately, she’s a little too old for him. Plus, Luhan can’t seem to forget his previous partner that easily. Even after three years they are apart, things just do not turn out well as planned. And Shixun keeps questioning him about his ‘mother’ and other stuff like parents and ‘family’. It makes him uncomfortable and anxious. He is worried of how Shixun would grow up and find out the terrifying truth. He knows he can’t fool a kid forever, as he will learn and come to acknowledge everything.

Sehun is the main reason why he returned. He has left this place for three years, and decided to forget everything. This once familiar atmosphere is now different, as if he had never been there before. But the memories, all of those treasured moments, never seem to fade away. They are still as vivid as ever. No matter how much he wants to start a new life with a fresh beginning, Sehun's ethereal existence refrains his decision.

He feels miserable most time, for dragging along Shixun into this matter. For most part, it was his fault that they are now separated, he and his partner, or should he calls ex-husband. But what done is done, nothing can change it. But Luhan ought to do something before things are too late to be mended. Someday, he will need to tell Shixun everything that happened. And Luhan knows he did not yet ready to spill any of it at the moment or perhaps until the time comes. He is not yet ready to lose Shixun’s faith and love for him.

“Papa!”

A cheerful cry from his son wakes him up from his trance of thought. He smiles softly as the little boy stumbles his way towards him. He seems so excited and happy, and it makes Luhan’s heart swells in delight. His son always looks up at him as someone he wants to be. And he knows Shixun loves him more than anything.

‘My father is a very great person. He gives me hugs and cookies before he goes to work. And he will read me a bedtime story and kiss me before I go to sleep every day. He is warm, and most importantly, he loves me!’

That’s what Shixun keeps telling his friends, and even Luhan’s pals and co-workers whenever he brings the small kid with him to events. He will happily talk about Luhan in his childish voice, eyes sparkling with pure adoration and innocence. He’s such an endearing boy. Somehow though, Luhan feels his heart clenches painfully in his ribcages when he hears of Shixun’s chirps and ramblings about him. Because he is completely different from the ‘godly’ Luhan his son has been thinking all this while. He’s a coward; a loser.

“I miss you so much, Papa. Where have you been?” he whispers lightly, burying his tiny face on Luhan’s chest. His delicate arms instinctively wrapped around his father’s neck as Luhan embraces him. He takes the boy’s face and kisses his temple.

“Nowhere, baby.”

Shixun acknowledges it with a hum as he closes his eyes, planting his face deeper into Luhan’s chest. He seems like a kitten curling in his arms, and Shixun would probably have started purring if that even possible. The child yawns cutely and makes himself comfortable. Luhan can’t help but to frown since Shixun will never act this way unless he’s tired or sick.

“He came down with a cold yesterday. But he was fine this morning, albeit a little sleepy, I guess. You should bring him to the doctor if the fever comes again,” she says when she notices the look on Luhan’s face.

That explains, he thought.

“Maybe I will if he gets any worse.” Luhan smiles as he gathers Shixun’s belonging (which is only a small bag of clothes and soft toys) with his free hand, while his other hand holds his son tightly to his chest, afraid if the sleeping boy will fall out of his grip.

“Thank you so much for taking care of him. I didn’t even know anybody here but you. I’m really sorry if he was burdening.”

“He’s not a burden at all. You taught him well.”

“That’s good to hear.” Luhan gives her his trademark smile. Once again, his heart flutters in sweltering pride. “Thanks again, Young. I'll take my leave now.”

—

“Yeah, Shixun's with me. I'll be home soon,” he mumbles and quickens his steps.

It may start raining again soon, and he doesn’t want to get stuck outside in this cold weather nor does he want to get them wet, especially when Shixun’s health seems to fail him today. The small kid is still sleeping soundlessly with his head on Luhan’s shoulder.

He can’t help but becoming more concerned when his hand collides with Shixun’s heated skin. It seems that the fever is rapidly rising.

He walks a little bit faster when his share apartment comes into his sight. Luhan does not aware of his steps, until he crashes into someone at the middle of crowd. Thankfully, he is quick enough to regain his composure, and Shixun is still safe and sound in his embrace.

"Are you okay?"

He bends and reaches for the stranger's arm. The lad hangs his head low and for an unknown reason, he is shaking uncontrollably. Luhan is about to ask what's wrong with him when the male brings his face up to meet Luhan's. That pale white skin, and the familiar beautiful eyes he once used to bore his gaze into, now staring at him, glassy and glistening with tear. For an instant, he forgets how to breath. His throat is clogged, unsaid words hanging at the tip of his tongue, waiting to escape from his mouth. Yet, he can't find the will, or courage, to say anything.

And finally, after minutes of staring into each others' eyes, Luhan breathes out the only word in his mind, the name that he knows by the heart.

"Sehun?"