[Think of this as me, talking to you. Reaching out for advices or such. I don't really know. It's 4:19am and I'm just really down and upset. UGH random feels because of lovelife and personal problems. Ohai, thank you for reading tho.]

[Please comment down on how you think I should deal with my life... AFF's the last thing I wanted to tell these things to. I love my readers.]

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Have you ever just had to ask your self "What the am I doing with my life?". Because I do. Everyday. Every minute. Like when I just woke up or maybe when I'm about to go to sleep... I think of my mistakes and bring down my self. Who the am I to live... or maybe better, why do I deserve to live like this?

Everyday feels like yesterday. I feel like I'm tired of living, even thinking of self harm. I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why I feel like I own every problem of anyone I pass by. I just... don't know what to do with my life. Really.

But then my boyfriend came to my life. He makes me happy. I still haven't realized why I'm happy with him but the problem is that, we fight. We fight at things we shouldn't be arguing anyway. Things like alcohols, food, fats and such... sometimes even about what my friends advices me. I don't know how to deal with these things so I always come by and say sorry even though I was the one who feels offended. AND I'M FINE WITH IT.

Sometimes, I wanna be apologized for. Sometimes, I wish people would realize how hurt I am and at least comfort me. At least console me. At least see me as a human being and tell me how important I am to them. I wanna feel like a good human being... I wanna feel alive.

I'm breathing. I'm moving. I'm awake. I sleep normally at night (sometimes at morning tho). I walk. I get sick at times and I have an active life. I have a boyfriend. I have friends... But I still don't feel alive no matter how many people I'm surrounded at. I still don't feel important. I still feel like no one. I feel like a walking dead. I'm a normal looking zombie. No matter how much I try... No matter what I do or where I go. I feel  DEAD. I feel nothing at all.

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time. Like, maybe, turn back yesterday and not eat meat so my enforcement of diet is successful. Like, maybe if I have met this person earlier I could have felt much more alive than I do today. What if I met you and decided to not write about this because I could just cry on your shoulder. I don't know. But I realized that the reason why we can't turn back time is we have to just  DEAL WITH IT.  We just have to be happy on how our decisions will turn out.

I don't know about you people... Please...

Help me out.

I FEEL LIKE I'M ONE STEP AWAY FROM DEATH.