It's a long story, and it all goes back to a very important question. What about goats? Shouldn't they have equal rights too?

I will start from the beginning. There was one a young goat. And what an ambitious little goat he was. He wanted to become a scholar, a professor at a prestigious university. But everyone called him crazy. You hallucinate, they said and sold him to the butcher. It was a sad day. 

The butcher *sniff*, he treated the goat very nicely, but alas, he couldn't let the poor chap go. The goat was slaughtered and put up for sale. No one wanted to buy it though. They all thought that the goat was shameless, and eating its meat would lead to madness spreading in the society like a plague. And so *sniff* it stayed on display until it started going bad...
The butcher decided that since no one wanted the meat, he would give it away to some unfortunate soul starving in the streets. So, that night, he locked his store after closing for the night, and walked out with the goal meat kindly packaged with care. He didn't have to walk that long when he came upon a peasant.

The butcher woke the peasant and offered her the meat. she screeched in a pterodactyl voice before asking him, how was she going to eat raw meat? She didn't have anything to cook it with. The butcher shook his head and spoke, "i have everything here. I can cook it for you." 
The peasant nodded though she had heard nothing. She was too busy staring at the rich bushy moustache of the butcher, that moved as he spoke. The butcher cooked the meat, and the peasant stared at his moustache, trying to think of how many eyebrows would make his moustache. Oh what a moustache!

The peasant ate the goat's meat as she made conversation with the moustache of an extremely confused butcher. The butcher being a kind guy tried to hold the conversation, just to be polite, even though he had no idea about the borblebubs. I wouldn't blame him for being confused. They don't exist. The peasant was kinda off her conker. 

After finishing her meal, the peasant finally remembered her manners and thanked the butcher, whose head was dizzy from all the talk, in her pterodactyl screech. The butcher flinched, but something good came out of her screech, so he could ignore the buzz in his ears. Other unfortunate souls gathered around, and the butcher could cook them some meat right there without switching places. the peasant was shooed away by the newcomers, because they were tired of her high frequency.

Shrugging, the peasant stumbled around until she came upon a stream. It was so beautiful, like a dream. She lay down and fell asleep there, sated. She woke up when she heard some noise. Looking around, she saw a person, some distance away, sitting at the bank, cooking fish, a boat docked close by. The peasant picked herself up and quietly went and sat right behind the person and hit her back hard, startling her.
The person looked at the peasant with confusion as she rubbed her back, "what was that for?"
The peasant huffed, "you are short! So gimme fish!"
the person asked, "what the hell? No! And I am not short, I am the average height by international standards. Heck, even in this country its average. You are just too tall. Catch your own fish."
The peasant hit the person a bit more and said "gimme".
The poor person had to give the fish, not because of the hits, they really didn't hurt at all, afterall she had hard skin. No, it was because she didn't have tolerance for high volumes, and if she had to hear this peasant screech a bit more, she would commit murder by stuffing the fish down the peasant's windpipe.
So, they ate in silence...relative silence. The peasant is a blabber mouth!
After the meal, the person startled taking her boat out to the water when the peasant remembered her manners. She thanked the person and asked her to introduce herself.
"Name is row, and I row gently down this stream." said row.
The peasant nodded, "it looks like a dream. This means you row gently down the dream."
Row gave her a judging look and said "whatever" as she took her boat out and started rowing away. When she got in kinda deep enough waters, row turned to wave goodbye to the peasant but saw the banks empty. 
"looking for me?" came a voice right behind row who jumped high.
"what? When the did you get on?" row asked, clutching her heart.
"I decided I wanted a ride. Now row me gently down ur dream. GO GO GO!" the peasant got up and stood with a exaggerated pose, a finger pointed onwards, a foot on the side hull of the boat.

All that idiot managed to do was tip the boat over sideways because of her movements. Row had the take them back to shore. She scolded the peasant and told her that her boat wasn't a cheap ride.
"how much then?" the peasant screeched.
row flinched and then asked, "what?"
the peasant continued like she made all the sense in the world, " you said its not a cheap ride, so it must be an expensive ride. How much? I'll secretly tell you this. I am rich. I have more ear wax than other people. I can give you as much as you want."
"why is it not so hard to believe. Of course you have more ear wax. That is why you keep screaming like a pterodactyl."
The peasant glowed, "yeah, it makes me feel closer to Jongdae, the love of every one's life."
Row wanted to argue, but she couldn't. It was a valid reason after all, she herself scream laughed sometimes to feel close to jongdae, her baby boo bdifiloue. "sure, but I'm still not giving you a ride."
The peasant said nothing as row pushed the boat out again, to row away.

Finally, rid of the weirdo, row hummed/chanted, "I love Baekhyun and kyungsoo. Ima do **** and **** with them." under her breath when a voice from behind her said, "that's very naughty!"
Row jumped again and looked at peasant, sitting behind her with disbelief.
The peasant waved, "hi! I wanna **** jongin! I like him very mucho so!"
Row exasperatedly asked, "how the did you manage to get on?"
The peasant shrugged yet again, "same way as you?"
Row looked at the far away, retreating bank, and sighed, she was stuck with this peasant forever wasn't she? The peasant wasn't gonna leave her alone, like a leech. Giving up, row turned back to look in the front to continue rowing when she screamed again, this time at a kid sitting in front of her, i.e. a baby goat.

The kid blinked at row, not giving two s about her. She then stretched her neck to look behind row at the peasant. The peasant grinned, "hi! I wanna **** jongin-"
The kid glared as much as a cute kid could manage, which was not much, and then spoke, "you ate my bro yo!"
The peasant screeched, "yo, no!"
Row decided that this was a bit unexpected, but hopeful, turn of events. Maybe the kid could kill the peasant and she would be rid of her, so she laughed, "ho ho ho."
The kid turned her glare at row, "you laughing at my brother's death ho?"
Row shook her head, "no no no!"
Peasant laughed and hit row's back as she asked the kid, "is your name po?"
Row, tired of the two already, interrupted them, "this is my boat so get out. Off you both go!"
The kid bleated, "I won't move, even if you say so."
"Why are we rhyming?" Row pulled at her hair.
"It's a long story. Let me begin from the start." Saying so, the kid settled herself into a more comfortable position, not caring that she was displacing row from her seat.
"I don't wanna listen. Let me sit property or else I won't be able to row" said row, though she was ignored. 
"It all began when I was born."
Peasant clapped loudly, "I love stories! Yayyyy!!" 
"SILENCE!" The kids bleated, actually shutting the peasant up, what a miracle. "Anyways, as I was saying, I was born."
"No !" Row deadpanned and was ignored.
"I don't remember my parents growing up, because I lived in a farm and I think they were also slaughtered by humans for food. I only had my brother as family. We were different. We were ambitious, not wanting our destiny to just be killed for food. My brother was quite interested in genetic engineering. I, on the other hand, was interested in languages. I dreamed to grow up to be the bridge between animals and humans through language, so that we could build an equal world. But, we got caught. There was this pig on the farm who was jealous of my IQ score, so she snitched. My brother took all the blame and... And he... Sacrificed himself for me." The kid started crying, "also, my name is po! I came here to kill you, but since you are so intuitive, I will let you live."
Row awkwardly patted the kid's head to calm it down. 
The peasant, actually silent for once, showed the appropriate response. "I'm sorry! I didn't know it was your brother. I just ate what was given to me by the kind butcher."
"I see!" Po said, "then you are innocent."
"Hey, I am all for equal rights, I think this peasant is too!" Row said, accompanied by vigourous nodding by the peasant.
"Then you are friends. In that case, I will tell you that I am going to get revenge. I'm gonna burn the world down. Just came to relax and start with you, but since you are friends, I will just enjoy the boat ride for now."
Peasant screeched, "yayy!!! I love world burning. I remember my last world."
Row sneered, "are you from the time of pterodactyls?"
Peasant nodded, "his could you tell?"
Row shrugged, "I'm smart! Oh, po! I have a a house in the middle of this steam. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave this area alone." 
"Sure! Anything you say my friend. I will invite myself for dinner over at your place once I am done."
"I don't really want to invite you. I seriously don't want you there. Don't come!"
"S'ok! I will still eat there."
Peasant jumped, rocking the boat dangerously, " I will come too!! "
Row sighed but gave up. She was stuck with this peasant. "

---

They, after a very scenic and relaxing boat ride, deposited Po on the banks and went to row's house. Surely enough, Po invited herself over after she had set fire to the world, and had dinner at row's place even though she slammed her door in the kid's face. If anything, we know that goats are stubborn...

The fire raged on for days and it made for a pretty view too, though the heat was something. 

.....

Row and peasant were on another one of their boat rides and row was turned around to gag the peasant because she was screeching again. When she face the front again, she left out a scream. In front of her was a cat.

"Hi! I'm cat! I am super fluffy and I like animals."
Row fumed, "oh no you don't." Picking the cat up, she kicked it in the direction of the shore. The cat flew all the way across screaming, "WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"
At the bank, cat attached herself to Po, who happened to be there and smiled at her, "hi! I'm cat! And you are a goat. I like you!"
And they lived happily ever after.

The end.

dedicated to peasantOTP and superfluffycat, and anyone else who ever was curious about us. This is how i met peasantOTP.

not super based on exo, but it is related coz we are both erts... for exo

Also, goats!

Check out my other less crack stories - 

Other stories: The Personal Assistant,   bad kids,   best of best* exo fic recommendations,   Baeksoo oneshot* collection,   you found me!,   Stupid Exo Oneshot collections,   The God of laziness,    Exobend, baeksoo reference list, Pet boy, Snow white

Awesome people: Tina08,  PeasentOTP