I woke up, more pleased than usual. I had to go back. Go back to the country. I don’t know why I suddenly felt this burst of emotion or why I would even consider returning but something was pulling me back. I sat up in my bed, the linens falling below my waist as I eased myself up. I realized there was no sun shining, not even a hint of sunlight. When I looked towards the window, my answer was clear. Rain poured down over the city as if the clouds themselves were crying. It was beautiful yet sorrowful, and immediately his words echoed into my ear.

“She’ll be alright.”

His voice was so soothing. Like the feeling of rose petals falling into your hand, if such a connection could be made in order to make sense. I smiled when I thought of his words. I could still see his face. I could still feel his touch. And when I did, I crossed my arms over one another in a coffin position, letting the opposite hands touch the opposite shoulders. My hands moved up and down but just as the feeling of him came, they disappeared.

Though I hated to think of them, I did. The questions. More and more questions. Why was I mad at him? What had he said to me to make me want to run away? It shouldn’t have been that serious, should it? Whenever I thought of him now, I couldn’t help but get this close feeling that I’ve been longing for him all my life. Yeah, the notion is a bit far fetch and in the memory, we seemed to be something more than just friends. But was it really a memory? Of course, the visualization of his face had to be, but what about the moment. The scene. His words, of course, had to be real. He had to be talking about that Rani person. The young girl in the first picture most likely. But what about the second picture? Was I really so mad as to tear off both me and Kai’s faces and put it, God knows where?

A large, frustrated sigh fell from my mouth.

“What else is there?” I mumbled to myself.

The room was dead silent. The only thing that could be heard was the loud clattering of hard rain hitting the solid surface of the windows. It was soothing, yet somewhat nerve racking. I let my arms fall down onto the bed and looked over at the letter that now laid itself out on my desk. I wanted to return to the country, but why didn’t I want to do it now? Something was holding me back.

A memory. A memory was holding me back.

And it wasn’t the one I thought I remembered or the fact that I put together the rain in Kai’s message to some parts of the mind I had lost. It was something else…

When I thought back on yesterday as Minho read the letter to me, something else had caught my attention that I hadn’t paid much mind to until now.

“My condition,” I said aloud.

Back when Minho was reading, he mentioned something about my ‘condition.’ I jumped up out of the bed and rushed over to the desk, scrambling for the paper. When I looked at it, there were no scrambled words or chaotic lettering. It was just…words. Words that made sense. But I didn’t have time to be amazed at my dyslexia not screwing me over. No. Instead, I went over the entire thing and found the part that I was looking for.

“I know now that you found out your condition.” I read out loud.

That’s what he wrote.

What condition was he talking about, though? My dyslexia? Or, could he be speaking of the reason I can’t remember? No, I had come to an unresolved conclusion that I probably hit my head or something on my way over to the country that was the cause of all this. But then again, Onew didn’t really say I was injured in any way when he found me. Needless to say, Kai said in the letter that it was a ‘condition.’ If he was being serious then wouldn’t that mean that I was admitted to a hospital somewhere? Close I hope.

I had to find Minho.

****

I hoped he was in his studio like last time. I looked at the clock before I left my room and it was close to the time he had the office call someone to me up. I walked down the hallway as I got out of the elevator from a couple who held prying eyes. Perhaps it was because I still wore my pajamas. I hadn’t really thought about changing when I left my room with my card key. It was more of an impulse to just leave and find Minho as soon as possible. I could have made it easier on myself and went to the front desk but Minho might know more about specific hospitals. I mean, with his condition he’d had to go to one himself.

I opened the door as slowly as possible not wanting to interrupt him if he was at work but when I actually went in I was surprised by a loud grunt and the sound of objects being thrown to the floor. I couldn’t completely make view of it all until I was inside. When I did, I saw the commotion. It wasn’t as how I feared for a couple of seconds: Jonghyun being here to talk to Minho and Minho reacting by throwing a canvas or something at his head. No. Instead, it was Minho, standing at the front of his artwork and painting items that were spread across the floor. He’d thrown his canvas so roughly that the wood split at the top creating a tear in the canvas.

Apparently he heard the door. His eyes met mines with so much anger but when he realized it was just me, he quickly cooled down and settled himself, brushing back some of his hair with his right hand.

“Taemin.” He huffed in huge puffs of breaths. “I didn’t expect to see you here again…at this hour.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you angry or anything.” I replied, looking down at the artwork.

Minho forced a smile on his face and cocked his hip to the side while placing his left hand on it.

“It-It wasn’t you.” He chuckled. “It’s the stupid drawing. Doesn’t want to act right.”

That’s when I looked down at it. I hadn’t really paid much attention to the painting at all until I saw what he meant. There were various scribbles and wiggles. Dark lines that looked as though they tried their hardest to become straight. Confused lines meeting more confused lines. It looked even more confusing than the painting he showed me before I realized it was a brain. This time, however, it didn’t look like this mass of black scribbles were what he was going for.

“You see it don’t you.” He said, still gazing at me.

I looked back up at him. His face went from happy and trying, to angry and frustrated. The face he made when he saw Jonghyun.

“Now I can’t even make these scribbles while still envisioning my work. To me, it just looks like a bunch of scribbles, just like to everyone else.” He shook his head from side to side in disappointment.

When I studied his angry movements, I thought back on yesterday. Perhaps, was this what he was going to talk to me about? Why he came to my room?

“Minho, do you-“ I started, but he waved his hand out in front of his face.

“Don’t worry about it Taemin.” He paused. “I’ll get over.” Then sighed. “And try again.”

“But Minho if you need-“ I walked closer but he waved his hand again.

“It’s alright. What’s wrong with you? Did you need something?”

I was about to speak on my problems then really studied the mess he’d made and really studied his facial features.

“Minho, you need to talk about it,” I replied.

That was not the answer he was looking for. He gazed down at me like I was so sort of stranger. Though I was, this look portrayed the feeling that we’ve never met those days ago. It was the look he’d given Jonghyun.

“Taemin. I said I didn’t want to talk about it. Don’t you understand?”

“Yeah but maybe Jonghyun’s ri-“

“TAEMIN!” He thundered from his lips.

I jumped, leaping out of my skin.

“You should listen to the boy.” Came a familiar voice.

I turned around to see Jonghyun standing almost behind me but further away.

“Jonghyun! I don’t need you to interfere. And Taemin,” he sighed, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.”

I looked between the two and before I could tell my body otherwise, I began walking towards the door.

“Taemin.” They said in unison, their voices echoing a voice out of pity, but I continued on.

I…I didn’t want to turn back. I don’t know what it was but that scream had deferred all my feelings towards Minho. I’d pulled away from him that fast and rushed back towards the elevator. I could hear footsteps following behind me and when I actually made it into the elevator I could see Jonghyun and Minho running after me. Together. But I rapidly pushed the button and just before they could make it, the doors closed in front of them.

Why? Why was my heart racing at a time like this? I pressed my hand on my chest and tried to control my breathing by breathing in and out as hard as I could. When the doors opened, I rushed to my room, card key already in hand.

That scream. It…It sounded familiar. Reminded me of something that I wanted…to forget.  

Before I knew it, there was a ringing in my ear, my head was pounding. I stopped in my tracks and used my hands to cover my head...Or my ears….I…I didn’t know what. I could hear his voice... Screaming! At someone. Screaming at me.

“TAEMIN STOP! Let it go!”

Those words. Those sentences. It…it made me angry.

The ringing and pounding increased and then I heard someone else. It wasn’t the girl with the black hair or Kai’s voice. But…a doctor?

“Don’t push yourself when it happens.” I heard him say in a demanding tone.

But why? Why?!

Then I heard Minho’s voice yelling at me again, I couldn’t take it. My brain couldn’t take it. My head felt as though it was about to explode.

And just like that….

Everything went black.