Sehun: but you know what luhan? What you think is good for me is different from what is really good for me.

 

VOICEMAIL RECORDED...

 

Kai: Sehun you need to stop sending him voice mail and call him. Is he even listening to them??

 

Sehun: I can't.

Kai: Why can't you?

 

 

Kai asked with slight exasperation in his tone. But Sehun really can't find it in him to feel offended. He simply put down his phone to the bedside table and turn towards his conversation partner. He paused for a while trying to search within himself for the answer to Kai's question. It was simple really, but you know what they say it's the simple things that catch you off guard. Now this is one of that kinds. It's simple, sounds simple until you're trying to the answer but find it stuck somewhere between the back of your throat and your tongue.

 

Sehun must have spaced out longer than he thought cos the next second Kai is already leaning against his bed frame looking at him waiting for his well-deserved answer.

 

Sehun: I don't know. I've never really thought about it. I just...

 

Sehun took a breathe, looked at Kai and released a small laugh.

 

Sehun: I just have questions. Lots and lots of questions. Wasn't answered and probably won't be either. But honestly I think I'm.... I think I'd rather not hear any. It's terrifying the fact that the answers can turn out completely opposite of what I want to hear. So... so I think it's best like this. To not hear anything at all. At least it's good that way. Yeah it's good. Good... I like it.

 

 

Sehun finish with several nods, seemingly approved of his own answers. Kai was frustrated, to say the least. But really what can he do? Luhan leaving wasn't sudden. He had told them, rather show them he was leaving. He guess luhan wanted to give them time to accept and adjust but frankly to Sehun is there really time for him to possibly do so.

 

He was attached to luhan the very first time he spotted the older. He was young then, without a single clue how to express his feeling so he opted to just be open and natural about it. Surprisingly, the older didn't seem to mind him at all. If anything, Luhan made sure the younger knew that his company was welcomed. They were pretty much the "You wanna find Sehun find Luhan" couple. Sweet was an understatement. To Sehun's immature self back then, Luhan was his future life partner.

 

2 years and several awards later, Sehun can feel, almost see things changed. He wasn't the child back then and Luhan definitely wasn't the hyung he met 2 years ago. The drift that he formerly thought wouldn't be able to come in between them had slowly eased in without him even noticing.

 

And that pained him, cos he had vowed to himself to not let anything happen to them but he failed right before his own eyes.

 

 

When Kris left, the whole group was taken by surprised, except Luhan. He was remotely calm and something about it irked Sehun. He had tried to coaxed some answers out of his older boyfriend but all he could get was a short, meaningless answer.

 

Luhan: He left. What is there to be surprised?

 

Sehun was taken aback with the reply but he played it rather cool, not wanting to press on touchy subject cos he knew luhan was affected after all Kris was a close friend. He was just good at keeping front.

 

Little did he know that Luhan wasn't just good. He was excellent cos when Luhan started acting distant towards him, he started questioning his own actions. Not once did he suspect Luhan's true intention.

 

But Suho had told him that what Luhan did was good for everyone. Sehun though doubted it.

 

Suho knew. Sehun didn't know how long he knew but he did. He's the leader after all. He can sense every member's pain even before the member themselves feel it. Sehun could still recall the day they had their first win for overdose and Suho had to stand on stage alone to accept the award. It was heart breaking how one year can make such a huge difference. Suddenly all the life lesson he had ever read made sense. He wasn't sure to what extent he had understood but he believed this is part of growing up everyone has been telling him. Strangely, he was quite expecting the future even though he wasn't sure if the coming was any better than now.

 

Sehun was not a child anymore. When he was first introduced to SM, he was merely a middle school kid, with awkward posture and social allergy. Chanyeol was there to help him through. Being the older one who had gone through puberty and its shortcomings first;  Chanyeol made sure Sehun was taken care of.

 

Kai was a friend he made later on cos they both were passionate about dancing and were dead set on trying outshine each other. They also had gotten close cos Kai had this huge crush on Luhan vocal training mate name kyungsoo. Sehun happened to walk in on kai lurking in front of the vocal training room and after many threats of exposing Kai ert-like behaviour, kai had sheepishly admit with a face red as the afternoon sunset that he had been secretly passing by Kyungsoo training room everyday to listen to his voice. Sehun then smiled took out his phone showing Kai that he had everything on recording causing a lot of chasing and cursing from kai. 

Sehun still has that recording. He takes it out time to time to remind kai of his own embarrassing days even though kai and kyungsoo are a thing now. Kyungsoo just smile and shake his head at their childishness.

 

Kai unlike Chanyeol was like his twin. They understand each other on a different level. Maybe cos they are the same age or maybe cos they share common interests. Ever since Luhan left, kai has been super aware of his mood. One shift had kai by his side immediately. He appreciated the thought but Sehun felt bad towards Kyungsoo, and for himself. They all made it seem like he's become emotionally unstable. He was shocked, mad, upset, disappointed, you name it. But it's gotten better with time. He thought about many things and he got to understand many events. He wouldn't say he's completely fine but he can manage. He has discovered new ways to numb the pain.

 

Kai: I'm worried about you. Everyone is.

 

Kai said trying to hide the pity out of his voice, but Sehun can hear it loud and clear. Again, he doesn't mind. He just smile and shake his head.

 

Sehun: I'll be fine. You know how it goes. It takes time.

Kai: I know. I just wish you'd talk about it once in a while you know? Let it out. 

Sehun: what? Are you some kind of love expert now? I still remember when you used to creep around kyungsoo hyung training room and....

Kai: Oh jesus not that again. Dude it's been like what 4 years ?? Drop it please!!

 

Sehun said nothing but let out a throaty laugh-- Kai thinks he can hear his old friend somewhere in there.

 

Kai: right cmon I'm supposed to drag you out to eat. Hurry or there'll be nothing left.

Sehun: alright be right out.

 

Kai left the room, joining in the conversation resonating from the dorm kitchen. Sehun turned back to his phone hoping for the screen to glow signalling incoming call, message, notification, anything. But after a good 3 minutes of staring, he finally gave up and left his room for the kitchen where s are busy with their food, not even aware of his presence. 

 

 

----------------------

 

 

 

 

On another side, Luhan is listening to the voice mail for the hundredth times since its arrival. He was itching to reply but he couldn't torture Sehun like this. After all he put the younger through, he can't be selfish and drag him back to hell again.

 

 

At last he settled with something he think best. He hope Sehun gets it.

 

 

Notification
7_luhan_m just posted a photo. 


 

7_luhan_m: Time to sleep.