[A/N: Unedited. T^T Do enjoy reading. :D Don't hesitate to leave a comment. Thank you :D]

The city is dyed white, as if there had been nothing from the beginning…

“Hyung!”

                My head shot up, looking for that voice that sounded like music to my ears. I fell asleep while taking down notes about Young Adult Literature. I looked sideways and saw that familiar mop of slightly curled chocolate brown locks. If he get drowned among the sea of people, I would easily spot him, without any single doubt. He pulled a chair and sat opposite to me. He rested his head on the table. He was not looking at me; he was facing the window. Perhaps he was watching the snow as they fall to the ground. I adjusted my glasses up to the bridge of my nose, turned my notebook to the next page, and started to take notes again.

“I don’t like winter.” He muttered, just loud enough for me to hear.

                I did not realize that I pointed my mechanical pencil too much on the surface of the paper until I heard the lead broke. Then a smile crept its way on my chapped, pale lips. I looked at him. He was still staring out of the window.

“I knew you would say that again.” I whispered.

                Half an hour passed, he grew bored. I can tell. He kept on fidgeting on his seat, like a kid being forbidden to leave his chair by his mother. It is distracting me. I kept on sparing a glance at him. He suddenly grabbed my notebook and my pencil skidded on it, making a line across the page. That brat, I hate it when my notes get messy. I threw dagger looks at him but he acted as if he did not do anything. He was focused on reading my notes.

                I hate it when acts like that… like he did not do anything… did not say anything… I hate it when he pretends that nothing has ever happened.

                I was about to call his name to get his attention, but the moment my brain formed the syllables of his name, it got jumbled that his name wouldn’t roll out from my tongue. It is as if I lost the ability to speak. An invisible lump formed in my throat, blocking the sounds that my voice box wanted to let go. I struggled to say his name, but it felt like I was choking. I placed my hand on my throat, tried to coax it but I still failed… to say his name… even just breathing his name out…

He closed the notebook and stood up, “Come on hyung. Let’s buy some hot chocolate.”

                I ignored him and attempted to get my notebook back. He grabbed me by my wrist and shot me a “get-up-or-you-wouldn’t-want-to-disobey-me” look. I scoffed and pried my wrist from his grip but he did not budge and just stared at me intensely. I cannot exactly pinpoint if he is concerned or just loved to boss round, being the cheeky brat that he is. I looked away; I cannot afford to get lost in his eyes. He squeezed my wrist, telling me, more like commanding me to get my off the chair and come with him. I sighed and with my free hand, I started to gather my things and stood up.

“Can you let go of my hand?” No please… Don’t…

                And he did let go of hand and got my things from me. I wrapped my scarf around my neck. We quietly exited the library. We stopped by a vending machine and he got himself a cup of hot chocolate. That stingy brat, I rolled my eyes inwardly, besides I am not a fan of that substance, I decided not to mind him. We carefully walked along the slippery sidewalk. I was taking small steps, I am afraid that I might slip. Perhaps he noticed what I am doing; he matched his steps with mine. He the cup in front of me. Confused, I just blinked on the cup, not knowing what to do with it.

“Hyung, a cup of hot choco doesn’t need to be stared at. It needs to be drunk to warm you. Help the poor hot choco to fulfill its purpose.”

                I gingerly took a sip from the cup, expecting the drink to be hot. I was to hand him back the cup but he gave a stern look. I knew what that meant and he would not consider a ‘no’ as an answer. I took sips as we walked slowly. We did not say a word. The city’s noise played on background, but it went like the two of us were warped into our own world. We were side by side, saying nothing special. I watched his shadow as it fell over mine. We are one. No. We were one. We were never one.

                I stopped by a trashcan and threw the empty cup. I exhaled, puffs of air came out, it is getting colder. I clasped my hands and took three strides to keep up with him. He took a quick glance on my still clasped-together hands. He shook his head, showing slight annoyance. I just looked away and tried to keep my hands away from him.

“You are really stupid you know?”

                I am really stupid, in all aspects. I forgot my mittens knowing the weather would numb my hands. And my coat has no pockets.

“Jongwoon hyung.”

                I ignored him.

“Kim Jongwoon.”

                I turned around and he was standing there, few steps behind me. He slipped off the glove from his left and tossed it towards me. I threw him a questioning look. He frowned and took two strides to stand in front of me.

“Is that how auntie taught you to wear a scarf?” He asked incredulously.

                I blinked at him twice, not getting what the hell he is implying. Few seconds later, I noticed that he was looking at my scarf, hanging loosely around my collar. He pulled it snugly against my neck and wrapped it, tucking in the ends.

                I muttered a small “thanks.”

He moved his hands up to the side of my head and gently pinched the top of my ears.

“Not too bad.” He said rubbing them, and then he adjusted my beanie hat.

He took the glove from me and slipped it on my left hand. I can feel gap of our hands. He grabbed my other hand, intertwined his fingers with mine, and shoved it inside his coat pocket. I felt butterflies in my stomach, they were revolting, not the beautiful kind. I felt constricted, like my heart has been tied by a rope and gets squeezed as the rope was being pulled at both ends. He squeezed my hand and I looked up at him. He looked straight on the path and he was smiling.

                Damn. I am so screwed. We are screwed. Definitely.

                Questions started brewing in my mind. And feeling his hand on mine makes thing worse. There are many what’s and why’s circling in my head. What ifs echoed in my brain. Should-have’s, would-have’s and could-have’s chugged in my consciousness like a train.

                What if I didn’t confessed? I shouldn’t have.

                What if I chose to ignore my feelings? It could have been better.

                I should have kept my feelings bottled up.

                What if I started to drift away? It would wound him so bad.

                He should not be doing this then. Of course, he shouldn’t, but why is he like this?

                What the hell is going on? I should have known, but it impossibly possible.

                It is messed up. Indeed it is.

                I didn’t see it coming. I wasn’t paying attention. And now, everything is bound to crumble into pieces. No. Everything is nothing from the start.

“Hyung.”

                I hummed in response.

“I really hate winter.”

                I nodded.

                Back then, winter from two years ago. We were involved in an accident. Everything went in a blur. I confessed. He didn’t say anything. Then someone came, wrapping his arms around his waist and gave a peck on his cheek. I froze for a split second. That moment felt like the world ended with a snap of a finger. I cannot breathe. I needed space. I willed myself to run, adrenaline pumped on my system, tears stung my eyes and all my senses went numb. He ran after me. I was not paying attention, ran to the direction that leads to the road. Then a deafening honk of horn erupted. Something warm enveloped me, wrapping his one arm around me and the other making sure my head was secured. We collided on something; it must be the windshield and landed on the cold asphalt with a loud thud. The last thing I heard was the loud screech of tires and him muttering incoherent words. Snow gently fell, as if the sky was sad with what had just happened.

“Hyung…”

“Hmmm?”

“You know that I don’t hate you right?” He asked in a small voice.

                I fell silent.

“Woonie hyung~” He squeezed my hand.

I squeezed my eyes shut and heaved a sigh. “It is impossible that you don’t hate me. If you—”

He cut me off, “I don’t really hate you hyung.”

“Then what?!” I snapped. I bit my lower lip. I should not have said anything. “I am sorry.”

“Why won’t you believe me hyung?” He sounded like he was hurt.

“I almost had you killed you idiot.” I swallowed a sob back. “You were almost killed.”

“I am still alive.”

“HOW CAN YOU JUST LET IT SLIDE CHO KYUHYUN?!”

                The moment that I blurted his name, my voice cracked. The sick feeling of guilt weighed down on me. My eyes felt tight on the corners, tears started to make its way down on my cheeks. I muffled my sobs as I buried my face on my scarf. He reached out his free hand and guided my head to rest on his shoulder.

“How can I let it slide? We are equally at fault.”

“I don’t get it.”

“You don’t have to. It is simple as that. Some things in this world do not require an explanation.”

“It is still one-sided…” I muttered.

                I knew he heard but he kept silent. I pried my hand out of his pocket and stood in front of him. He looked at me accusingly, as if I said something wrong.

“Do you know why I hate winter?” He asked, shattering the silence that enveloped us. He did not wait for me ask why. “It is when you became nearly distant to me. And is half of the reason why is because of me. I hate it when you distance yourself from but when you are within reach, all I can do is hurt you.”

“Then let me go…”

“I can’t… I am that selfish.”

“But you have him…” I whispered and more tears poured out.

                As we made our way home, we were still side by side. He was still holding my hand inside his coat pocket and we were consumed by undefinable silence.

“Kyuhyun-ah! Jongwoon hyung!”

                We turned our heads at the same time to the direction where the voice came. Recognizing the one who called out, I squeezed Kyuhyun’s hand and he reluctantly let go.

“Kyuhyun-ah, I didn’t know you were with Jongwoon hyung. You’ve missed calls and messages from me.” He pouted.

“I am sorry Ryeowook-ah. But I left my phone at home. It ran out of battery.”

“It’s alright. I understand.” Ryeowook locked his arm on Kyuhyun’s, beaming at him. “You have to make up for it though.”

“Of course I will Wookie.”

“Ah! Jongwoon hyung, Heechul hyung was looking for you. He dropped by our house earlier.” Ryeowook said.

“Thanks for letting me know Wookie. I’ll go home.”

                I watched the two of them walked side by side. I felt heavier than usual. I averted my gaze away from and looked up. Snow started to fall gently. Ah, today’s Christmas Eve, I suddenly recalled.

“I really hate winter.” His voice replayed in my head.

“Merry Christmas Kyuhyun~” And I am homebound.

The city is dyed white, as if there had been nothing until the end…