The three of them had just returned from a long day of filming “foresight” to an empty dorm, the others where all out on schedules or in practice sessions. It was early evening, about 5:30, and the sun still clung to the sky giving warmth to the earth.

However, that warmth and beauty didn’t reflect in Kyuhyun’s current state of mind.

“When you first joined Super Junior we all hated you. You know that right?”

It really shouldn’t have bothered him. It was years ago. He knew that they had hated him, it was obvious. After all why wouldn’t they? He had spent barely any time at all training, thrown into a group that had debuted more than six months prior, forced into a group that had already bonded tight, Kyuhyun would have been shocked if they had accepted him readily. He was the unwanted step child…the annoying younger sibling you didn’t want…that kid in class you wish would disappear. He could imagine what they thought: spotlight stealer; replacing the youngest; unnecessary; unrefined; untalented. Of course that wasn’t his intention. He remembers being told that he was a voice not a member. He remembers sitting on the cold hard floor in the bathroom, the only space he could momentarily claim as his, when everyone was asleep, all alone in a group of thirteen. He remembers feeling the hostility, the hate, and he remembers never being able to appease them. He remembers being devastated.

“When you joined, more than ten members voted in opposition. You know that right?”

It shouldn’t bother him. He should be passed it. After all, that was what the radio show had been scheduled for, what it was supposed to clear up. It was supposed to prove, to convince, all the anti-fans that he was just another member. That he had been accepted. Whether it would have worked or not, will always be unknown… Things had been getting better by then; Ryeowook had become his confidant; Sungmin had become his loving older brother; Eunhyuk had become a dear friend. Or at least they didn’t seem to hate him or resent him like they had originally. However, Kyuhyun believed, knew, that it was the accident that really shifted the members mindset.

He just wished he knew the real reason. Maybe it was just because they knew him and having someone you know hurt in that way…Or maybe it was some kind of realization for them. He wasn’t sure, even after all the months contemplating it in the hospital and all the years since.

He wondered sometimes if they actually cared, actually loved him. Or if all of that kindness and love from the others was just a guilt ridden pity filled consequence of the accident. ‘Not that they don’t truly care about me now,’ he always has to mentally remind himself. But that, that love was grown out of shame and nurtured by fear. Kyuhyun often wondered, if that was the case, when and how did their love towards him became genuine.

Honestly, thoughts like that weren’t common for Kyuhyun. Normally he forced all thoughts connected with the accident, and the events leading up to it, out of his head. When those events are brought up, those are the moments when Kyuhyun feels most uncomfortable; a black hole of fear, pain, exhaustion, relief, elation. His psychiatrist had told him it was normal, not healthy, but normal to push those memories back. Thoughts like that come with such traumatic events, he’d said. Even in those sessions, Kyuhyun never spoke directly about the accident unless he had no choice.

He wasn’t self-conscious, necessarily, but certain things would get him. Being reminded of their dislike was one of them.

Kyuhyun hadn’t spoken much during the ride back to the dorm, and now he was sitting in his room on the floor, not unlike how he used to sit in the bathroom. He had retreated into his room straight after arriving home. Vaguely, he was aware of Leeteuk mentioning dinner as he passed through the kitchen, but he paid little attention.

Similarly the first few knocks on the door and Eunhyuk’s voice calling him for dinner occurred with no acknowledgment from Kyuhyun, as did the next knock and Leeteuk opening the door.

“Kyuhyun? Dinner.” But Leeteuk’s call was again unanswered. Leeteuk shared a brief look with Eunhyuk before moving closer to their maknae. “Kyu?” shifting closer and kneeling next to him, Leeteuk continued, “Kyuhyun-ah, are you alright?”

Kyuhyun’s gaze lethargically moved towards his brother’s, “What?” he muttered, slightly surprised to see them both in his room.

Eunhyuk shifted uncomfortably, he rarely admitted it but he worried a lot about Kyuhyun, before repeating, “Dinner.”

“Oh,” a pause, “I’m not really all that hungry. Why don’t you guys just go ahead without me?”

Leeteuk’s brow furrowed.

Eunhyuk moved closer, sitting down near Kyuhyun, “Are you not feeling well? Are you running a fever?”

“You have been rather quiet since we left the show,” Leeteuk paused, placing his hand on Kyuhyun’s forehead before slowly sliding it down to the side of his neck, “you don’t feel warm…how about you get comfortable and I make you something easy on the stomach?” concern coloring each word.

“That sounds like a good idea. While you’re getting that ready, I’ll go grab some aspirin and some water,” Eunhyuk added quietly placing a hand on Kyuhyun’s shoulder as he stood.

“If…”

Their normally out spoken maknae’s abnormally small voice caught their attention stopping them instantly.

“What?” Leeteuk questioned.

“Never mind. It doesn’t matter.”

“Obviously it does. What’s up Kyu?” Eunhyuk moved back to his previous spot.

Leeteuk too returned to Kyuhyun’s side, “Yes, tell us what’s bothering you.”

With a soft smile on his face Kyuhyun said, “It’s nothing,” trying once again to evade.

Leeteuk sighed, “Kyuhyun, please, you’re starting to worry me. Worry us.”

“If…if the accident didn’t happened,” Kyuhyun sighed shifting uncomfortably, “If it hadn’t have happened, would I have been… would I have become an actually member?”

“Wha…”

“You all couldn’t stand me in the beginning. No one wanted me to be a part of Super Junior. Neither did the fans. I still have the hate mail to prove it. Just…if I hadn’t. ..almost been killed,” but his voice faded then and his head lowered “never mind.”

“Wait. Kyuhyun, what?” Leeteuk’s voice sounded strained.

“You admitted it! All of you! I wasn’t close to any of you. You all hated me. No one wanted me to be in the group. Then the car crash happened and I lie there with Eunhyuk praying over me. Then I wake up and miraculously all of you care. You visit and you cry. I hear Yesung’s radio message and everyone’s wish that I’ll be able to participate in the second album! Then I get out of the hospital and you guys are all worried about me. Applauding me during interviews and praising me whenever I sing. Saying things like ‘the album can’t be made without you.’ And I just don’t get it. Did you all just do it out of guilt or pity?” Suddenly all the energy faded away from Kyuhyun and he added softly, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Just forget it.”

Kyuhyun didn’t look up at the others as he slowly stood with the intent of leaving the dorm or at least the room which suddenly felt sweltering and thick.

Something happened then that Kyuhyun did not expect. A cry ridden voice sounded from behind him. “You really think that?” Kyuhyun could hear tears in the voice. “Have you always thought that we only love you out of pity and guilt?” Arms encircled him clinging as though the ground would open and draw him into the depths if the hold was released. “I ran to you that night because you’re my brother. I prayed for your life because I don’t want to live in a world without you. How can you not know that?” Eunhyuk’s words shook, no strength behind the sound just the meaning.

“This is from today isn’t it? This is because of that stupid game…” Leeteuk sounded anguished, “That was just a game. We didn’t hate you; we just didn’t know how to react…”

Kyuhyun remained silent.

“You’ve always thought about this haven’t you…just like you used to dwell on your quick debut and when you used to think you didn’t deserve to cry over our success, as though you weren’t worthy…” Kyuhyun’s muscles tensed, but Eunhyuk’s grasp only tightened. “You’ve always been worthy of Super Junior, and we have always cared. Everything was new back then.”

“But it was the accident that changed your mind, wasn’t it?” Kyuhyun’s voice cracked over the word ‘accident.’

“No,” Leeteuk sounded deflated, “We just didn’t know how important you were to us. We realized we hadn’t shown you that we cared; that we hadn’t let you blossom. We felt guilty, yes. Shindong, Eunhyuk and I felt extreme fear that night. For a moment we lost you! You weren’t in the car, you didn’t answer us when we called out to you, and we were terrified. That fear we felt, the fear the others felt, was because we are brothers. Not because guilt made us acknowledge you. My first thought when I woke up after surgery was of you three. I was worried.”

Slowly Eunhyuk managed to maneuver the two of them towards the bed, never releasing his hold, and sit them down. Leeteuk, tears sliding down his cheeks followed.

“Then why did it change?”

“We realized that life is short,” Eunhyuk muttered.

“We wanted you to see that we cared. I guess the accident opened our eyes to how disconnected we were. Not just us towards you, but the group as a whole. I…I don’t know what else I can say to you…” Leeteuk’s body seemed to shrink as if he expected all his words to fail to reduce Kyuhyun’s pain.

“That’s what it did! It opened our eyes, so we could look past any resentment or envy we had felt. Although, honestly Kyuhyun, I think most of us realized that after our first win for U, when you refused to cry.” Eunhyuk looked towards the leader again who seemed to agree, “We realized how alone you felt then and wanted to fix it, but we just didn’t know how to do so quickly.”

There was silence then, broken only by raspy breaths and falling tears. After a moment Kyuhyun spoke again, “Sorry. I’ve just been thinking too much I guess.”

“No need to apologize. Just, instead of thinking about something like this alone, why don’t you talk to us?” Leeteuk gave Kyuhyun a one armed hug.

Kyuhyun nodded.

“I’m sorry we used that against you today. It wasn’t fair.”

“Yet I still won,” a trademark cheeky smile.

Eunhyuk shoved him then, wiping the last of his tears, “alright! Let eat.”

“Yeah.”

Fin