“Excuse me! You’re ...  from that group … um” the woman trailed off, trying to remember his group’s name while hushing her child and ruffling in her bag for a pen and paper.

Seungho took a deep breath, it’s been so long since someone stopped him for an autograph, and he even uses the subway and walks crowded streets without being noticed, he came to accept his simple life style, producing music and teaching a dance class on weekends. It’s been four years since they broke up and two years of military added to that washed him out of the public’s minds, his dark brown hair and long black coat making him blend in with the thousands of bodies roaming Seoul.

“MBLAQ” he reminds her, digging in his pocket for the keys to his precious R8 red Audi.

The woman lights up and nods, finally pulling up a pen and paper “please …” she hands him the pen and hoists her child up her waist.

Seungho almost signs the way he’s been signing the last few years, Producer Yang Seungho, but tonight he wants to be MBLAQ’s leader Yang Seungho, so he signs accordingly. The woman walks away after thanking him and he barely smiles at her, walking to his car, his head filled with memories of lights and stages, music notes and dances.

He jumps into his car, pulling the hood down, he needs to feel the wind on his face because he feels like suffocating, the engine roars, shaking the car up and it reminds him of a writhing body under him, Changsun’s body and even more memories flash in front of him, their first kiss, their first time and their first whispered I love you.

The car speeds down the highway, the wind smacks his cheeks and all his good memories crash down, their last fight still fresh in his mind, Changsun’s slap still hot on his cheek, screamed accusation of betrayal  so loud in his head.

He steps on the gas pedal, changing the gear and the car flies, zooming past other drivers, his inner voice, which happens to be Byunghee’s voice, tells him he’s driving with a death wish, so he turns the radio on, a late night oldies show should be enough to hush down his thoughts, but the song that plays makes his heart ache with so much pain.

He slams the breaks down and pulls over under a billboard at the side of the road, he grips the steering wheel tight and he lets out a shaky breath, slow tears rolling down his cheeks as Rust plays on the radio still. He feels the guilt crushing him down, the pain of not protecting them even though he promised as their leader he’ll always keep them together.

The lyrics to the song mock him because he still worries about them all, he still contacts Byunghee when he’s not busy with musicals and the youngest two on holidays, but he worries the most about his Changsun, they haven’t talked in almost seven years and even though the song, Changsun’s voice, is telling him to love someone else, to move on and that time will heal everything, Seungho doesn’t believe him, the pain tearing him apart is proof enough.

The song ends and another starts, it takes Seungho a few minutes to wipe his tears and collect the broken shards of his heart before he starts the engine back up again and pulls out from under the billboard, he looks up to see Changsun’s face looking down at him, the ad for his new movie posted everywhere in the city, how Seungho managed to sit there and cry , he has no idea, but he’s filled with pride because the other is shining so bright even if he had to do it on his own.

He picks up his phone and dials a number he knows by heart, his heart is pounding louder than Changsun’s caller song because it’s their song, he almost hangs up after 4 dials, but he’s met with a questioning “Hello..?”

“It’s me” Changsun’s sharp breath on the other end of the line tells him he knows exactly who he is.

“Are you okay?” he sounds concerned, Seungho wants him to be concerned but he doesn’t know if he believes him.

“I don’t know” he answered honestly.

“Come over”

“Changsun, no … we can’t” Seungho is still shaken, his fingers barely holding the phone to his ear.

“Hyung. Come over … I missed you” Changsun sounds so fragile and vulnerable and it makes Seungho’s heart burst.

His car is already moving, he doesn’t know what this would mean for them, but right now seeing Changsun’s face right in front of him is enough, maybe a hug won’t be too bad either.

 “I’m on my way” He hangs up.