//day zero

 

i try to act calm about it. i smile but my smile didn’t reach my eyes. i nod but it was weak and shameful.

 

for the past three years she had been my rock. she was the person i  would go to whenever i had troubles…

 

and i had a lot of troubles.

 

“it’s okay,” she says. she stares at me blankly - i couldn’t read her. i used to be able to understand her in seconds. why was it so hard now?

 

“I understand.” she wasn’t crying. she didn’t look very sad.

 

she didn’t look very anything. she looked empty.

 

this will be better for the both of us…

 

right?

 

“you’ve wanted to study art since i first met you.” she smiles now. at the same time, though, her eyes well up with tears. my heart constricts. “this’ll be good for you.”

 

‘and what about us?’ i wanted to ask.

 

i didn’t.

 

“yeah.” i nod again. my mind thinks of things we could do to keep our relationship going and suddenly things seemed bright. in my head, things could go okay. the momentary happiness quickly floods out of my system once i realize it really was all in my head.

 

we wouldn’t last. not with my thinking - not with my insecurities and my doubts. we’d end up breaking off the relationship through text or a stupid skype call. i’d be left to wallow in my own sorrow… alone. i’d be left with nothing but an empty void in my heart, plaguing me until the day i die because of the enclosure of our relationship that did nothing to give me a sense of ending - it’d give me only a sense of ‘maybe’.

 

“when do you leave?” she asked, and suddenly her brown eyes didn’t seem to shine as bright as they always did.

 

“sunday.” i answer. i can see her neck moving as she gulps down silently. her lips open as she exhales shakily and that’s when my tears come into play.

 

“will you stay with me for the last four days?” she doesn’t bother to wipe the tears rolling down her cheeks. she was acting mature about this. of course she was.

 

she was never the type to lash out on somebody. she was never the type to make things a bigger deal than they already are.

 

so why did i want her to have a bigger reaction than this?

 

why did i want her to beg for me to stay?

 

why was i so selfish when i was the one leaving?

 

“i have to pack…” i say.

 

“i’ll help you pack.” she replies.

 

i stay silent.

 

she looks at me with pleading eyes. “four days, seulgi...”

 

it was my turn to swallow the lump in my throat that contained the sobs i so desperately wanted to let escape.

 

but i didn’t.

 

“okay.” i whisper. “four days.”

 

// day one

 

“remember this?” she’s smiling as she holds something up to me. i squint and look around for my glasses before slipping them on. when my vision becomes clearer and i notice what she was holding up, my heart fills with inevitable sadness but my lips curve up. i walk closer and try to remind myself not to get too familiar with the scent of her that i’ve already gotten familiar with. i tell myself to not let myself cling onto anything related to her because it’ll only make everything harder for me to forget.

 

i take the polaroid from her and smile down at its content. it was the two of us on a ferris wheel. she was scared of heights back then. i wasn’t.

 

i was the one who took the picture. she was clinging onto me like i was her life source.

 

metaphorically, i was confident that i was.

 

“our first date.” she mumbles and i look up to realize she was staring straight at me.

 

we stared in silence.

 

i could tell that she wanted to say something.

 

she wanted to say something but she didn’t.

 

she held back for the both of us.

 

she clears and looks away, taking the polaroid from my hand and looking at the boxes on my bedroom floor.

 

“does this go in the keep box or the trash box?” she asks, her voice shaking the way it always did when she felt nervous and cornered.

 

my eyes scan her face as she bites her lip to keep it from trembling.

 

“trash…?” she whispers.

 

how do i answer that?

 

how do i answer that when i want to move to america with a clean slate but i know i wouldn’t be able to forget her?

 

after a broken silence, i spoke.

 

“keep.” i answer. she looks at me, surprised. her eyes widened, the moisture in them giving her eyes a shiny gloss. “put it in the keep box.”

 

// day negative five.

 

she’s jumping into my arms and i’m backed up against the wall to avoid collision with the ground. she’s smiling and her cheeks are slightly flushed and her eyes are curved up the way they always were when she smiled like this. she kisses my cheeks - both of them.

 

i was still in my graduation gown but that didn’t stop her. she’s kissing all over my face and i’m laughing. i’m laughing and smiling and my stomach is going crazy with the amount of butterflies inside of it. she kisses my nose and everything slows down a bit.

 

her legs are curled around my waist and i’m holding her up by the back of her thighs. she smiles at me and leans in. we kiss and kiss for a little while until we hear my parents yelling at us. we both giggle and we both smile.

 

we both didn’t know of the sadness that’ll come in a little white envelope five days later.

 

// day two

 

“are those all the boxes?” she sits on the sidewalk with a huff. i put the last box into the car and kink an eyebrow at her.

 

“you carried one thing.” i state in amusement, sitting next to her.

 

she nudges me and then places her head on my shoulder. i almost back away because it felt painful for her to be so affectionate with me when i would be leaving so soon, but i didn’t.

 

“it was a heavy thing.” she retorts playfully.

 

i look down at my hands and smile.

 

her hand comes into my view and next thing i knew, our fingers were interlocked. “let’s go back to my place.” she grins up at me.

 

we hadn’t done anything more than watch scary movies in her bedroom and eat all the junk food in her apartment, but that’s okay. we didn’t need to do anything more.

 

she grabbed the blankets and pulled it up over her head when the eerie music came on and she kicked her legs when a particular scary pop-out came on. she hid behind my shoulder when the blankets weren’t enough and she laced her smooth legs in between mine.

 

i didn’t complain.

 

// day three

 

i could tell she was holding back on a lot of things. i could tell that she didn’t want to say certain things and didn’t want to do certain things and it hurt me. it hurt me even though the reason she was holding back was to avoid pain.

 

we sit on the couch together and there seemed to be a suffocating type of tension between us. this never happened before.

 

never.

 

“irene…” i call out gently. it’s then that i notice she was on the verge of crying. “irene…” i repeat, reaching my arm out to her. instantly, i feel her small body merge with mine and she’s sobbing harder than i’ve ever seen her sob before.

 

she clutches onto my shirt and buries her face into my neck. i rest my cheek against the top of her head and take a deep breath. i close my eyes and try to ignore the fact that irene was quite literally breaking down in my arms.

 

and it was all because of me.

 

she calms down after a little while, but she’s still very much sitting on my lap, her warm breaths still very much tickling my slightly wet neck.

 

“who’s driving you to the airport tomorrow?” her voice was so quiet that i held my breath as if it’d actually help me hear her better.

 

“my parents.”

 

i could feel her arms loosening around me and i held her tighter.

 

“seulgi…” she mumbles. i hum, my hand gently squeezing her waist. “i’m going to miss you.”

 

and there it is. the words that she had been holding back - the words that made me feel like an arrow had lodged itself into my heart. the words that neither one of us had said before to somehow lessen the pain we both would experience.

 

“i’m going to miss you, too.” i whisper.

 

“is breaking up really the only option?” she moves her head back and i almost contemplate. i almost change my mind.

 

but - no.

 

i stopped myself.

 

i already knew this was going to happen. i knew this was going to happen when i got the acceptance letter from the college. i knew how all of this was going to play out. i knew that i’d try to stay here with her. i knew that i’d think of going long-distance with her.

 

i knew i was going to think of staying here with her.

 

but this was my future on the line.

 

our future.

 

“it’ll be the best…” i pick my words carefully. in her eyes i could see that she wanted to argue back.

 

i wanted her to argue back.

 

but she didn’t.

 

and that made me angry.

 

angry because she was so accepting of my decision. angry because i knew that if she tried to fight for me then i’d probably stay here with her. i’d probably throw my whole future career away in the blink of an eye - just for her.

 

“so, it’s really over?” she blinks excessively. she was keeping her tears at bay.

 

i nod slowly. “this is for the best.” i whisper. she nods as well but she clearly doesn’t believe me.

 

i’m not so sure i believe myself, either.

 

//

 

she had not gotten a wink of sleep at all and neither have i. her tears had not stopped running and neither have mine. she walks me out to my car and gives me a heart-breaking smile. she hugs me tightly and i don’t want to leave. i don’t want her to let go.

 

but she does.

 

and my legs bring myself to my car. and i drive home with tears blurring my vision. but then i will myself not to cry while driving because that’d result in an accident. and, if i die, then i’d never get the chance to see irene ever again.

 

and, even though she won’t be mine the next time i see her, she’ll still be there. and i believe that seeing her alive and well is better than never seeing her ever again.

 

my parents hug me and i’m bawling my eyes out again. i quickly regain my composure because we were in a public place and, yeah, i don’t like crying in public.

 

we say goodbye but this time it wasn’t as bad. this time i knew that my parents would be there and would still be mine when i come home four years later.

 

irene, on the other hand, wouldn’t be.

 

i muster up all my strength and sniff up my tears. i wave to them as i enter the terminal and then that’s it.

 

bye bye.

 

//

 

// part 2

 

four years flew by quicker than i could ever imagine. when i had to leave to go back home, i had to say more goodbye’s to people who had grown to become important to me.

 

and, of course, more tears were shed. but, i was glad to be home.

 

my parents told me to rest as soon as i got home but i wanted to go out.

 

i wanted to walk around the familiar streets even though it was four in the morning. i wanted to walk down empty streets and i wanted to sit on the rocks next to the river. i wanted to be reminded of what my life was before i had gone to america.

 

i wanted to remember the good times.

 

before my mind could process the time going by, the sun had gone up and my eyes were squinting in order to look at what was in front of me. i lean on the brick wall next to me and take a deep breath.

 

i was in front of irene’s old apartment complex...

 

why?

 

i kick a pebble with the front of my worn-out adidas shoes. i look up when i see the glass door open and i couldn’t believe my eyes.

 

“irene…”

 

she had black hair. it made her seem more serious than her brown hair did. she seemed older - there wasn’t the same aura around her anymore. i wonder if that was my fault.

 

she didn’t see me yet, and i’m not sure i wanted her to.

 

...

 

one thing hadn’t changed about her - her tendency to trip over nothing. that was very much still there for she’s on the ground before i could even blink.

 

i rush forward and crouch down, checking her legs for any scrapes or cuts.

 

“are you okay?” i ask softly. she looks up at me and gasps. her face pales.

 

“seulgi…”

 

i avoided eye contact with her and placed a gentle hand on her lower leg. her knees were scabbed and there was a small cut that oozed some blood out.

 

“here, can you stand up?” i reach my other hand out and let her fingers curl around my palm.

 

before i could pull her up, i heard someone behind us, their footsteps hit the gravel loudly. it was obviously a man because the shadow was large enough to cover us both. he spoke.

 

“hyun, are you alright?” he kneels down and the sun was burning on me ten times harder than it had before.

 

he was good-looking.

 

“i’m fine.” irene’s voice was shaky.

 

she looks at me.

 

i pull my hand back.

 

“are you her boyfriend?” i ask calmly, trying not to come off as too offensive - trying my best to sound innocent and unaware. he nods, eyebrows furrowing.

 

“yes. who are you?”

 

my legs straighten themselves out as i stand up. i shrug. “nobody - i was just wondering.” irene’s eyes were following me with extreme focus. “you should watch out for your girlfriend, she seems mighty clumsy.”

 

he chuckles and i feel like throwing up.

 

“will do. i thought i was doing pretty good for the past few years but she always seems to surprise me.” his large hands wrap around irene’s much smaller ones.

 

past few years.

 

i give him a smile and a nod of my head. “have a good day, you two.” i finally look into irene’s eyes. “get that cut treated, okay?”

 

she doesn’t have time to respond because i’m already turning on my heel, rushing down the street. the tears didn’t fall because the sun dried them up before they could release.

 

he seems nice enough. he doesn’t look like a bad guy. he seems to treat irene the way she should be treated.

 

this is for the better.

 

i can start my career and she can start the family she’s always wanted. this is for the better.

 

....

 

definitely.