Hello, unni.

Can I talk to you? It's been long since I've last done this.

It’s been a year, I think?

Don’t think that I’ve forgotten about you, though. My doctor told me that if I wanted to be truly happy then I must stop going back to you.

So—that’s why I stopped mentioning your name, talking to you, going to the places we’ve been together, and doing things that we used to do together. But I think it was all a lie, Juhyun unni. There was never a day in my life in which your memories did not linger in my thoughts and shatter my whole existence.

With the heavy, rapid raindrops cascading down the porch outside and the boisterous thunder striking every few minutes, my mind would just not let my worn out body to sleep in peace.

So, I’m just going to talk to you, I guess.

It's okay if you don't respond. I'll just listen to the calming spatter of rain outside my window.

At rainy days like these, you’re the first thing that always comes to my mind. And it’s been raining a lot lately; along with it is the downpour of my tears and emotions.

It’s times like these when your absence gets so vivid and my missing for you spreads on like a wildfire all over me. It’s too painful, unni, like my insides burning and slowly dissolving into pure nothingness. I want you here right now; I want to see your warm smile; I want to hold you and feel your presence and forget the entire world. But no, you left me here and no matter how much I mutter your name to the wind and to these four walls, you still would be gone.

It terrifies me how it sometimes seems that this intense longing would last for an eternity, that I’ll forever be trapped in this cold dark dimension of paralysation, that I’ll never really get over you, unni. I don’t think I ever want to anyway.

I love you, and that’s all I ever know.

I really should go to sleep. I still have classes tomorrow—four exams and one presentation.

I'm going to turn off my lights now and curl beneath my sheets. My knuckles turning white from my tight grip onto the sheets, trying to hush my cries within my chest, until it rips out of my throat and my tears drip down and soak the wrinkled pillowcase.

Remember how you used to tease me because I sleep too much? It’s funny how being able to get two to three hours of slumber is already a miracle now for me.

My doctor told me that if the pain gets too unbearable and horrendous, I should just count 1-100 and pronounce the alphabet over and over again until I get my mind off of you.

So here goes…1, 2, 3, 4 ,5 ,6…and when I finally reached 100, I will start with the alphabet…95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100.

A…

A is for Always. Always there with you; always holding your hand; always seeing your smile; always loving you.

Even if I have to go through life one more time, I would still always look for you and love you to the extent of my abilities. I would always search for you in all corners of the world and hold you.

B is for how beautiful you are, Bae Juhyun. There are all kinds of beautiful in our side of the universe.

Yours was the broken, burnt, worn-off kind of beautiful. The one I loved with my everything.

C is for the classes we’re together. Math 11, Soc Sci 3, Creative Writing, Organic Chem, Trig 16…God, how I studied so well to be part of those classes.

D is how we talked about our dreams. You had so many of them, and I couldn’t help but to watch with amazement. Because I had no idea what I wanted in my life, except, maybe, for you.

E is everything. At some point when the void within me grew rapidly, you stormed in and became my everything. Just like that.

F…and I was falling. Gradually, almost cinematically. You too was, right?

G is the games you liked