"I smiled at the snow falling from the sky, I've always loved the cold winter season. Its a perfect time to be resting, sleeping. So I jumped on my bed and leaned on my headboard wearing only lingerie. I want to feel the cold. I snuggled up on my sheets and placed my earpods on their usual places, turned spotify on shuffle, and closed my eyes.

Back To December.

It was the first that came in shuffle. I don't really like this song, but I wouldn't bother listening to it, too lazy to choose among my playlist.

♪ I'm so glad you made time to see me.
    How's life? Tell me how's your family?
    I haven't seen them in a while. ♫

Those first three lines made me remember about how we met a few days ago. Neither of us were expecting that. But more or less, I was happy to see you. Its been 2 years since we graduated in highschool, and now, we're both on different universities. I must say, you have changed a bit. Your once tan skin grew lighter, you dyed your black hair in chestnut brown, your once dorky personality was now replaced into some queen like manners and I asked you how could you look so different even with a slight changed. I remember you chuckling at my question as you answered.

"I'm no longer living in California where the sun is up 24 hours." You smiled. How I missed that smile. Remember the last time you gave me flowers at my birthday? It was the smile. That is how you, Kwon Yuri, smiles with sincerity. "Though my family still lives there, I managed to move in New York. You know, for great opportunities?"

Your family. Right. The Kwons. I have always been welcomed whenever we come to stay in your home. Your parents loved me as if I was their own. Nobody in your family were disgusted about the relationship we had. Your cousin even thought how beautiful our family it would be when we settle down.

♪ You've been good, busier than ever.
    We small talk, work and the weather,
    Your guard is up and I know why. ♫

I asked you how you are in New York by the time you've mentioned you are living there. My heart couldn't contain the blood rapidly rushing into my veins. I was very happy, and excited, knowing that you are staying at where I was.

"I'm good! Actually I work as a professor now. For part time job that is. Could you imagine that? Like when we were in Seoul, we're nothing but immatured high schoolers, thinking that we have figured everything out? Back then, I even thought of marrying you someday thinking that there wouldn't be anyone better than yo---" You paused. The atmosphere became tensed, air and noise coming out of the cafe. That moment, I did not hear anything nor did I saw anyone. It was just us. You and me. Me pathetically laughing at your statement, saying "Of course we were immatured back then!" Yes. Of course you thought of marrying me someday thinking that there wouldn't be anyone better than me. Well? Is there? While there's you changing the topic. Guess you don't want to talk about us huh?

"Its winter." You said. Looking at the cafe's window where the streets and roadsigns were all covered and frosted with snow. "You used to love winter. Remember?" 

I still do. I answered sternly. I didn't know, but it just came out of my mouth. I tried apologizing at my rude comment, but as usual, you laughed at it.

You said, "Some things... They just don't change." your eyes shifted at your untouched cold coffee. I never knew you liked coffee though, you're more like a fan of tea. But then again, people change.

So I asked you, how do people change? How come they do? You didn't even lifted your gaze at me to make me feel guilty. I automatically did after hearing your answer. "As time pass by, we get to realize things. That's when change happens. It happens when you don't want to live the way you are living. Because maybe, you weren't living at all. There's only two results of changes. First is contentment, and the worse one, the second one, is regret."

♪ Because the last time, you saw me
    I still burned in the back of your mind.
    You gave me roses,
    And I left them here to die ♫

I rushed out of the cafe as fast as I can. I heard you call my name, but I did not look back. What you said... Is that how you feel about me? I see that you are now contented, your smile says so. Yet your eyes showed how much you regretted us. How could you? I stopped at my car, turned it on, and cried my heart out.

How could it be this painful? It has been 2years. I wasn't supposed to feel this mad and hurt. Or maybe I wasn't even allowed to be mad, because it was me who caused her so much suffering in our relationship. I took her for granted. She was there, I also am. She loved me with all of her heart. And I... I ripped her heart out. Immature highschoolers. Maybe I was immature that time, but she wasn't. She has everything planned. Kwon Yuri is very smart, sweet, and she loves me. What have I done?

♪ So this is me swallowing my pride.
    Standing in front of you, 
    Saying "I'm sorry for that night."
   And I'd go back to December all the time.♫

I opened my eyes. I felt tears falling at the side of my face, I was crying. Crying for Kwon Yuri. Crying because she, Kwon Yuri, the love of my life, she regrets me. 

♪ It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.♫

"Sica~" I missed that. You used to call me that rememeber? I shook my head lightly, tears still crawling out of my eyes. Of course. She doesn't. Even if she does rememeber, why would you remember what you regret? What you don't want to be in your life anymore? 

"Seobang~ How come people only realize what they had, once its gone?"

I remember myself asking you that. We were in senior high, we just graduated that time. You followed me instantly when you noticed that I wasn't around taking pictures with our fellow batchmates. You went to the first place you know I would be. The school rooftop, and I was. That time, I wasn't really crying. I'm too sad that I couldn't cry. You back hugged me and that's when I asked you that. You answered.

"They don't realize stuff. That word realize is just too complicated. They've always known that they'd lose it. Just don't know when. So they take it for granted. Because they thought that it would last, that maybe, it won't leave. But people leave Sica. They get tired. They're human."

Maybe what you said was true. I never realized I had you when you went on a separate way. I just never thought I'd lost you.

♪ These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized I loved you in the fall.♫

After meeting you, I kept on coming back at the cafe where we met. That maybe, we could cross each other's roads again. But you never came back. I wasn't able to sleep, I ought to think about how it could've been if today, there's still an "us".