Taeyeon has insomnia.

At first, it wasn't so bad because make-up could easily cover her dark circles. Gradually, her members began to notice one by one. All of them except for her. They ask her when it began and she answers that she doesn't know, but the truth is, she knows exactly when it started. They tell her to rest and to take care of herself and she tries, she really does. And even without her telling them, Taeyeon gets the feeling that all of her members understand the reason for her sleep deprivation anyways.

 Eventually, it becomes a regular occurrence to see the leader of Girls' Generation up at ungodly hours of the morning. 

Years later and it's still routine for Tiffany or Sunny to see Taeyeon sitting in front of the T.V., minutes before the first rays of sunshine touch their windows. She's motionless, wrapped in a thin throw blanket with her hands in her lap, Ginger curled up by her side. Her eyes are flickering with the images on the screen, but they're glazed over, unseeing.

Taeyeon remembers exactly how many times she's been able to sleep well since her insomnia has plagued her. She remembers exactly how many times she's been able to sleep well without the aid of alcohol or pills or even severe exhaustion. And she remembers it precisely because it has only happened twice.

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The first time is in 2010.

They're at the height of their popularity, the nine of them. Girls' Generation are gathered at a restaurant that had been reserved for just them and their close friends and family to celebrate their newest album release Hoot. That day was supposed to have been a happy day, but Taeyeon only felt bitterness, nostalgia, and longing. She plastered on a fake smile and laughed sweetly when necessary, wondering how she would have celebrated that day had she and Jessica not officially broken up a few months prior.

It would have been their three-year anniversary.

The party was loudly eventful. Every member was drinking heartily, all except for Taeyeon who has a low tolerance for alcohol, and Seohyun, who chose to stay at least the slightest bit composed despite her pink cheeks. Jessica manages to catch her eyes as she laughs at one of Yoona's jokes, her mirthful expression slipping into something more wistful. Taeyeon's breath gets stuck in and she looks away with tears in her eyes, unable to understand the part of her heart that isn't beating anymore.

She takes a chance and side glances at Jessica, watching as she downs a full glass of wine and asks for another.

By the time they get back to the dorm, the members were all so drunk they shot off in different directions. Seohyun helped hold Hyoyeon up as they made their way into their room. Yoona collapsed on the couch after taking Jessica to her bed, Sooyoung sprawled out on top of her. Beneath them on the floor laid Yuri, breathing softly and the tip of her tongue sticking out. Sunny and Tiffany were leaning against each other, singing loudly and stumbling into the American's room, giggling like fools as they fell on the bed.

After confirming that all of her members were asleep or on their way there, Taeyeon went to check on Jessica, quietly looking at their designated ice princess rest. She walked over to the bed, gently pulled the blanket from underneath Jessica and covered her with it. Then, Taeyeon sat on the edge of the mattress, letting her eyes roam and her heart consume all that was Jessica's beauty and serenity. She hastily got up to leave before she did something irrational and was almost one foot out the door when a voice stopped her.

"Stay".

And she did.

Taeyeon threw away her sanity and smoothly crawled under the blanket, moving so that she laid on the left and Jessica laid on the right. The two of them shifted carefully so that they were laying on their sides, Taeyeon's bicep pillowing Jessica's head, her left arm around her waist. Together in this familiar position, they savored the warmth such intimate contact gave them. And like this, Taeyeon fell asleep with her face buried in the nape of Jessica's neck, her comforting scent and frame a wonderful hypnotic drug.

When she woke up, Jessica was gone and Taeyeon avoided her like the plague.

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The second time is in 2013.

It came as a shock. Really, who would think that a security guard would mistake someone who shone as bright as Jessica for a fan? It's terrifying, hearing that dolphin-pitched scream and seeing so many people crowded around her poor defenseless body. Taeyeon thinks so fast that her thoughts are hardly coherent, instead, she numbly follows orders to continue onto the plane, her heart unbearably heavy and rapidly pulsing.

On the plane, a basic flight nurse checks Jessica, telling her to stay awake for the remainder of the flight. Once they touch ground, she is rushed towards a hospital, the rest of her members ushered in a van towards the dorm.

Only three of them live there now, but the eight of them stay the night, reassuring each other that Jessica will be fine. They're all huddled on the floor of the living room, tissues strewn everywhere and a random sniffle here and there. Later, when they've all fallen asleep, Taeyeon gets up and readjusts some of them, grabbing spare blankets to spread over their bodies. A few hours after sunrise and Seohyun is the first member to wake up. The maknae notices the leader's red eyes and asks her if she's okay. Taeyeon deflects the question and offers her breakfast.

After everyone is up and about, their manager stops by to tell them that Jessica has a mild concussion and that she'll be able to go home tomorrow. They all cheer in happiness and relief and get ready to visit her, but some of them have schedules, and fortunately or unfortunately, Taeyeon is one of them.

Three days later and all seven of the other members have visited Jessica at least once. Taeyeon broods in her room, debating whether or not she should visit her, and eventually, lets her impulse drive her to Jessica's house.

She knocks on the front door, smiling when it opens up to a Mrs. Jung. She tells her that the Jung family had just finished eating dinner and that Jessica was upstairs in her room. Taeyeon says hello to Mr. Jung and Krystal, who glares daggers at her before making her way up the steps. She walks to the end of the hall and into an open doorway, locking eyes with another familiar brown pair.

Taeyeon looks at Jessica, her face expressing the surprise and disbelief she clearly felt and all of a sudden she can't breathe. Her jaw is clenched, her lips pursed and her brows aren't exactly furrowed, but they are tense. Taeyeon is so stiff her hands are fisted. It's only when Jessica says her name that everything unravels. She shoots forward so fast she knocks them both over on the bed. She's sobbing uncontrollably, tears falling for the first time since the accident. Taeyeon tries to pull Jessica closer, tries to bury herself in her, wants them to become one so much it angers her.

 The tears stop, and when they do, her sense of reality returns. Taeyeon wipes her face and tries to pull away when Jessica stops her. With one word she locks her in again.

"Stay".

She stills and they gaze at one another, pulling away tenderly to move towards the middle of the bed. Later they fix themselves, washing their faces and changing their clothes, all before succumbing to a simple desire. Taeyeon slides into bed and is instantly surrounded by Jessica, in her clothes, bathed in her scent and pressed against her body. She holds her closer, sighing contentedly with a congested nose and a lighter heart. With her love in her arms, Taeyeon falls asleep peacefully.

And in the morning, she leaves her heart behind again.

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In 2014, Taeyeon's world falls apart.

Tensions were already high between Jessica and the company, but that didn't mean that prior knowledge made it any easier for the girls. Eight of them walked through the airport, faces somber or hidden, the mass of fans curious and attentive. As soon as they landed on the other side, netizens were already commenting about Jessica's absence and Hyoyeon's clenched fists.

The fan meeting was even more heartbreaking. There was little time to adjust the songs with someone who had as many lines as Jessica, but the members were even more unprepared for what would greet them on stage. Many of the fans had come holding signs for Jessica, holding signs for the nine of them as one, calling Jessica's name like she was all they wanted.

The emotions were overwhelming. Taeyeon attempted to keep a straight face, however, the other members were not quite as poised as her. It was as they were singing 'Complete' that they really began to come apart. How ironic, singing a song that was meant to represent them as a whole when there was such a huge part of them missing. When they were missing Jessica. A couple of the girls had let a few tears slip out, but every tear that fell from Seohyun's face echoed inside of Taeyeon's heart.

This was not how they were supposed to fall.

After the fan meeting had finished, the eight of them returned to Korea on the next flight out. They rushed towards the company headquarters for an emergency meeting about Jessica's situation, thoughts loud but voices absent. The first thing that they see when they walk into the conference room is Jessica, her puffy brown eyes and a weariness that matches their own.

Soon, the officials began to sort out the mess that was their group. They argued with Jessica, they argued with the members, but the company stood firmly on their decision to have her departed. Eventually, they picked every bone clean and pushed them into a corner, giving her no other choice but to leave.

 Jessica stood up, her eyes locking with all the girls until they reached hers, their usual brightness so dimly lit. She turned around and left, her footsteps unwavering. Taeyeon felt her small frame shake and her heart tremble, she desperately wanted to scream and shout and tell Jessica to stay.

Stay.

But she never did.

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Now it's 2017.

The eight of them are in a very familiar place, in the same exact room where Jessica officially left their group. Taeyeon sits there and she feels it, she can see it on their faces. This is where they end. They're tired and they're broken, but they know they'll always be Girls' Generation even when they're walking on different paths.

It's time to disband.

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It's almost 5 a.m. when Taeyeon blinks and decides to get off the couch. She picks up Ginger and gently places him in his playpen, receiving little resistance. The former leader of Girls' Generation slips inside of her room to grab a coat and leaves for the garage. She turns on the engine of her car and drives to a place she knows by heart.

The air is a little frostier than Taeyeon thought it would be, she's shivering in front of a door in only a thin jacket and pajamas, gathering her courage. With a quick exhale she presses the doorbell, listening as it chimes throughout the house. She faces the intercom and hears someone pick it up, waiting nervously when the person on the other end is just as speechless as her.

Jessica opens the door and Taeyeon watches her face and sees the range of emotions that fly across it. She’s shocked at first, and then angry, but she stares at her and sees what she's wearing, how wide her eyes are and her expression softens. They stand there for a long time, searching one another's face, hearts reaching out for the other.

“Jessica babe, who’s at the door?”

Taeyeon’s heart drops when she hears his voice behind Jessica, and it turns to stone when she actually sees Tyler Kwon stand by her side. Jessica turns her body and tries to block Taeyeon from Tyler, or maybe she was blocking Tyler from Taeyeon but she tells him to go back to bed. He looks at them slightly concerned and concedes, slowly walking back inside.

The taller girl sighs and her eyes show confliction and helplessness.

“Taeyeon…”

But she stops her from saying anymore and steps back.

“No, stop. I’m sorry. I won’t bother you anymore.”

I’m sorry for never asking you to stay.

Taeyeon walks back to her car and drives away from her home, from her love. And this time, Jessica doesn’t ask her to stay.

She stays sleepless for the rest of the day and all the days after that.