In class, there's always one person who sits in the back, not talking to anyone, staying by himself.
That person was Kim Myungsoo. And I didn't care about him. I had more things to think about.

I had to keep this mask on. I had friends in class, for once. If they knew, they wouldn't stay, right?
And I had to keep doing it, I had to starve myself, I had to purge if I, god forbid, ate. 
If I didn't do it, I would be gross, wouldn't I?

-

"Hey. Sungyeol. Are you... Okay?"

His voice was so smooth. And he sounded like he cared. That boy, who never said a thing, cared. Myungsoo cared, even if I had never spoken a word to him.

"What do you mean? I'm fine!" 
Even if I smiled at him and he smiled back, I saw in his eyes that he hadn't believed my lie. I walked away.

-

He kept looking at me. Glances. I wonder if he saw them. The scars on my stomach as I jumped to get my hat off a shelf. Nobody else even looked at me as I jumped then, my shirt riding up. But I felt his eyes on me, and I pulled the shirt down, turning around to find him looking away. I only hoped he didn't see the letters carved into my skin.

Fat.

-

About a week after that, my friend offered me candy, in the corridor. First, I said no, that I wasn't hungry. And he pushed it in my mouth, I was forced to eat it. 
How many calories does a toffee hold? It's too many, isn't it? 
I laughed, swallowing it, and after a few minutes I excused myself to the bathroom.
It was the first thing that had passed my lips except for water for six days, and it felt as if I was swelling. 

I the water in the sink, drinking it before kneeling by the toilet. The water was still running, drowning whatever sound I made.

How did I get here? Throwing up because of one candy?

Fingers down my throat, and I threw up. It hurt more than usual. After all, I had only drunken and eaten one little piece of candy. But I felt that I had to do it again, like the candy was already all around my body, and I atleast had to try to get it out.
Two more times. 
And I only vomited blood. 
I coughed, dried my mouth off with a papertowel, flushed the toilet, and walked out. I saw Myungsoo leaning against his locker, and as I walked towards where my friends was he stopped me.

"Wait." 
He pulled his sweater over his hand and wiped my chin. 
"You should stop."

I pulled away from the grip he had on my wrist, backing away, tears threatening to fall. 
No one was supposed to know. 
Getting back to my friends, they and I acted like nothing was wrong, laughing and smiling. And I felt his eyes against my back.

-

Why did it feel good that he worried? At the same time as if was the worst feeling in the world?
Not even my mom cared. If she even knew? She sure didn't seem to care that I skipped every meal possible, and went to the bathroom after every time I had to eat.

-

"Yeol, you are so thin."
A friend in school. I smiled.
"Maybe? Guess it's how I'm built."

-

First, I had been a bit creeped out by him watching everything I did. Now, it felt like he was the shadow that kept me calm.
Funny, actually, since we never said a word to each other.
Before that day, months after he had caught me outside the toilet. 
That day, he saw my stomach, the scars, the word, and he realized everything.

"I care for you, Sungyeol."
He had pulled me into a toilet, and stood between me and the door.

My breathing became uneven. I had to get out. I couldn't.

Wrapping my arms around my own shoulders as I sat down on the toilet, I breathed slowly, trying to form words.
"Why would you?" I looked down.

He moved closer. He sat down infront of me, hands on my knees.
"I'm also broken, you know. Not in the same way. But I'm broken, I'll give you that."

"I'm not broken."

"Don't lie to me. We never talk, I know that, but it feels like I know you. Right?"

"Mh." 
I couldn't argue with that. After all, he was the only one who knew. He was the one who cared.

"Those guys you hang out with, they're not friends with you because of your weight, you know. They like you."

"No they don't. Why would they? I'm gross, I'm a disgrace to the human race, I just take up place."

"No you don't. You're beautiful. Here, look."
He pulled his sleeves up. That's why he always wore long sleeves. His arms were covered in scars, some of them looking like they were cut just hours ago. And I felt as if he and I were the same. Maybe we both were broken after all.

But what had he said? Beautiful? Wasn't he the one who told me not to lie?

He took my hands away from my shoulders, and placed his fingers around my wrist. 

"It's tiny."

"You just have large hands."

-

"Sungyeol, do you want to live?"

"I don't know. You?"

"I don't know."

After the thing in the toilet, we'd started talking. It was small talk, just things that no one else would understand, and I liked it.

"I'd only want to live if I were perfect." I looked into his eyes.

"I think you are."