Junhong's POV

When we were younger, they taught us the art of giving.

They said it was better to give than to receive.

Some have mastered it, some have not.

And some, maybe some,

Gave a little too much.

People didn't care.

Waking up with a bleeding nose early in the morning isn’t the most pleasant thing you’d ever want to experience. But for me, waking up without hearing the nagging of a particular fluffy-haired alien named Yoo Youngjae is much worse.

I sat up and looked at the blood stains on my shirt, blanket and pillow. Youngjae would always know what to do if he was here. He looks like the know-it-all person but in fact, he does know it all! Unfortunately, sadly, regrettably, he went to the province in another country – somewhere really far from Seoul and told me he needs to do something very important.

And happens; now I’m missing him like crazy.

Ignoring the morning nosebleed from the hot weather, I grabbed my phone from the bed side table. I dialled what I need and already memorized to dial, pressed it to my ear, and laid back on my bed.

And after 10 painful seconds of waiting, someone spoke up.

It’s Youngjae hyung’s voice.

But it’s not him.

“JaeJae needs rest. Please leave a message after the beep.” 

A voicemail again. It is always frustrating to get a message like this every time I dial his number.

1,256. The number of times I got answered with an automated voice of my hyung after dialling his phone number.

1,256. The number of missed calls I made ever since he left.

1,256. The number of times I got my heart tied in a barbed wire every time I wait for him to pick up his phone. The number of times I got cut off of my oxygen supply for expecting yet another missed line of connection.

Hyung, I miss you.

I miss your voice, your smile, your laugh.

I miss you.

I stared at my phone for a few seconds and rolled over, getting trapped in my blankets in the process. Unlocking my phone again, I browsed through the names on the screen and clicked my hyung’s name once more.  The few seconds of waiting seemed like years of living in a world without oxygen – suffocating, but I’d rather stay like this than to live in a world without any trace of Youngjae.

“Hyung.” I miss you.

“Mm?” The voice from the phone said, and I can almost feel my eyes wet from the sound that just came from the other end. It was still hoarse from sleep, and normally I won’t want to disturb him from his rest, but I just miss him so much that I don’t even care if it is dawn, morning or evening in his place.

“You told me you would call yesterday night, but you didn’t.” I exhaled and put it on speaker. “That is not cool hyung.”

“Junhong, I was working. Sorry. And I’m pretty sure you’re okay now. You’re not going to make me worry again, right?”

Ah yes. No more cuts and no more hours of hovering over the toilet bowl. No more blood and no more antidepressant pills.

And I owe him a lot for that.

“Yes hyung. Sorry. Bye, I miss you.”

“I miss you.”

And with a heavy heart, I ended the only thing that connects us together.

Yes, I miss you. So much.

Yoo Youngjae is the hyung who wouldn’t sleep for three days just to make sure I’m not going to do anything to end my life again. He is that hyung who would waste his life just to make sure I’m alive every day. He’s my hyung who would always hold me and tell me, I’m okay, we’re both okay.

He would always tell me he’s alright. And he did look okay – more than okay even, with that nagging mouth of his and all the constant jokes that he is throwing even if he is busy with his work and his part time job of keeping me breathing.

Youngjae is superman.

My superman. I won’t even mind if I’d become Lois.

I love him. And it’s okay even if I’m the only who feels that way.

More than okay.

“Hey Zelo, Sup?” Were the first words that came out of Daehyun hyung’s mouth when he saw me entering the bakery.

Zelo. It’s been a long time since I visited their family’s bakery, and heard that nickname from someone. ‘Zelo’ was a nickname Daehyun hyung and Youngjae hyung gave me for a particular role play at school, and it was just stuck. It sounds cool. It’s okay. More than okay, since it was a name given by my Youngjae hyung.

“Hey hyung.” I picked a seat near the counter where Daehyun hyung does his duties. I always sit here with Youngjae before, and it doesn’t feel right sitting here alone now. Can’t he visit us once in a while? 

“Long time, no see.” I heard hyung say, along with sound of mugs lightly hitting each other as he fixes them in place. “How’s life in the university?”

Like a fixed system, I automatically groaned at the mention of the cursed place. What’s there to say about school anyway?

“I miss Youngjae.” I sighed, as I rested my head on the cold coffee table. Goodness, who cares about school. Youngjae is more important than school and right now, well not just ‘right now’, I want to talk about him anytime, anywhere to anyone – nothing more.

Just him. Anything about him.

“Well Choi Junhong,” Daehyun started. After placing the last mug into its proper place, he wiped his hands with the towel placed under the counter and landed his serious eyes straight to my tired ones. 

“Well what, Jung Daehyun?”

“Junhong you know neu-"

Oh no, not again.

"If you're going to make this simple conversation serious again, then shut it hyung. Stop talking like that. It makes everything more serious than it really is."  I don't know why Daehyun is like this. I know he's a genius, but the thing is, he always uses the medical and scientific s even in our casual conversations on how emotions and some psychological crap affect one person. And my brain cannot catch up with all the terms that he has been including even in his blabbers and rants.

"You know why I talk like this Junhong."

I frowned at him. "I told you hyung. This is not something you have to be serious about."

Daehyun has always been the weird one in our group, and he always uses serious terms when he is serious. He reasons out that if he uses normal words, we wouldn't take what he's saying seriously because he's always the funny clown together with Youngjae (and it's weird to have a normal conversation when you're with them).

"Who said this is not serious Junhong? We're talking about you and Yoo Youngjae here." his voice rising up, but managed to keep it low enough to not disturb other customers. I ignored him and just played with my fingers. Tapping beats just to let him know that I'm not talking to him unless he stops making the situation worse.

Silence has come to cover both of us, the sound of small chatters and spoon clanging plates replacing the conversation that was once started. I did not say anything, and he did not either.

Much to my dismay, the silence between us was short lived. Brainy Jung Daehyun decided to stop his counter work as he called his co-worker to cover him for a moment. The sound of the chair in front of me being dragged and sat on tells me that he decided to continue the conversation that we left.

"Zelo."

"Daehyun."

"Stop being a brat and look at me." He said, exasperated. I didn't look at him though, I didn't listen. There's nothing serious about missing Youngjae, he's just over acting - I don't even know why this argument even started.

"Yah."

"Choi Junho-"

"Shut up!" I did my best to become a mature human being in front of Jung Daehyun, to act civilized in a bakery so I can avoid any unnecessary attention from the customers. No one knows how much I conditioned myself to see Daehyun again, and to behave in front of him so I can avoid that look in his eyes, but enough is enough.

"You’re just jealous ‘cause you can’t always talk to him on the phone.” I muttered, only realizing my mistake the second I uttered what I said.

No. I wasn't supposed to say that.

He wasn't supposed to know.

I instantly looked up, and saw the eyes I was trying to avoid – those eyes that had now flashed sadness, hurt, and betrayal. Guilt washed over me and swallowed my whole being. Daehyun has the most beautiful eyes in the group, seeing it stained with darkness and imperfections and knowing that I have been the one who placed it there, felt like I was doused with cold and boiling water at the same time.

"Hyung…"

"Oh my goodness, you…Don’t tell me – Junhong, don’t tell me you still call Youngjae every hour? Are you crazy?!”

“I’m not crazy!” I faced Daehyun, whose face was almost red. I bit the inside of my cheeks to keep myself from saying something that should not be said. “I just…”

“Just what Junhong? What?" I had to pinch my skin to distract myself from hearing his voice crack. He wasn't supposed to know. "I – I'm sorry. I'm really sorry hyung."

"Junhong I asked you something." Daehyun’s voice almost begged, and I had to pinch myself more to not notice how broken he sounded like. I could feel my hands being separated and enveloped with a comfortable feeling of warmth and security, preventing it to pinch the skin and make it redder.

But I know I don't deserve this kindness, so I moved my hands away from his and uttered the truth that would make him more broken than he already is.

“I just love Youngjae hyung so much. I can't stop just like that."

I made my move to leave the bakery, but the warmth came back before I could stand up from my seat. And soon it embraced my whole body, my face pressed on someone's chest. I don't deserve this, I know. I can't have someone comfort me again because I'm not the one who needs help. I don't deserve kindness, warmth, comfort - I need to be given things that equate to my betrayal, and disgusting personality.

But I am a traitor and traitors are selfish. So I was selfish, and basked the comfort of having Daehyun run his hands through my hair like it belonged there, and whisper words that play along the lines of "It's alright.", "We'll be fine.", “Hyung is just overacting.”,  and "I'm not mad at you, I'm sorry."

"Junhong." He said after a few moments, his voice dull but stable. Despite this, nothing can fake the way he was trying his best to keep everything inside, so I wouldn't know. But I know. I know how hurt he is from my phone calls to Youngjae, how broken he is from my confessions, how angry he is from my selfishness.

"I know it's hard but..." Daehyun stopped, hesitation apparent in the way he was speaking like he was trying to choose the right words to not make the situation any worse. I was imagining all the worst case scenarios that I can think of and my eyes were starting to become wet. He'll make me stop the calls, and I'll be alone again. He'll tell me to stop and not talk to Youngjae anymore, and I'll be broken again.

Daehyun will hate me.

Youngjae will not forgive me.

And -

"Youngjae needs rest okay?"

I wheezed. Tears flowed and fought its way down my cheeks, and my guilt grew even more. I don't deserve this kindness. I don’t deserve Daehyun or Youngjae. I don't deserve this because I just keep on making their relationship worse.

“He’s going to worry if you keep calling him Junhong.” I can feel him hesitate even when I’m not looking at him. “Calls every hour are a bit too much. Let’s give him some space, hm?”

I buried my face deeper, still drowning myself in my own self-loathe, but managed to mumble the question both of us already know how to answer.

"Can't he visit once in a while?"

Daehyun's hold on me became tighter, and I panicked, thinking that he almost lost his self-control over his anger towards me. But he whispered, "You know why he can't."

I shakily breathed a sigh of relief as he gently moved away, and placed his callous hands on my shoulders, but I was suddenly searching for warmth again and realized that my body is desperate to feel human contact.

I resisted, because I don't need this no matter how much my body tells me to pull Daehyun back and wrap my arms around his waist. I became a new man after Youngjae's help, I don't need anyone else's because I am fine.

"Because he is busy."

He is busy, but I can wait.

If it's Youngjae, it's okay.

More than okay.

Daehyun left the bakery before his shift ended. He said his time with his dongsaeng is more important, so he left without a second thought and dragged me to the nearest park, sat me down on an old swing set that barely fits me in, and crouched down in front of me as he gave his best smile.

“Don’t smile at me like that. You’re creeping me out.”

Daehyun lets out a chuckle and ruffled my hair, ignoring the ugly frown and glare that I sent his way. “Do you want to eat ice cream Junhong-ah?”

“I’m not a baby. Stop babying me.” I grumbled, pushing his hand away from my hair. I hate the feeling of being taken care of. I don’t need it. After being patched up by Youngjae, I don’t need any help from anyone anymore.

“Who said that? You’ll always be our baby.” But I don’t want to be your baby. I want to be with Youngjae and not a kid being taken care of by the two of you. I bit the insides of my cheeks and averted my gaze from the ground to the slide across the swing set I’m sitting on. I hate how I hear Youngjae’s voice instead of the person in front of me. I miss Youngjae.

I miss him so much.

“So ice cream?”

I turned my gaze towards Daehyun, and saw the smile still lingering on his lips. The familiar feeling of guilt starts spreading inside of me for the nth time in less than an hour of being with him, so I did my best to smile back.

“Sure.”

As soon as he left, my hands automatically reached to my pocket and held the phone tightly – pulling it out from the clothing where it didn’t belong. It should be on my hands so I can dial Youngjae’s number, pressed on my ear so I can hear his voice.

But before I can turn the device on, Daehyun’s voice resounded inside my brain. I held the phone with both of my hands, not willing to bring it back to my pocket.

Youngjae needs rest okay?

Should I or should I not?

He’s going to worry if you keep calling him Junhong.

It has been an hour and a half since I last called him.

Junhong.

“Junhong?”

I looked up to Daehyun beaming at me, only to have that wiped away a second later when he realized both of our hands are full – his with our ice cream, mine with the phone.

“Uhm...I –”

“Hyung, please. Just this once. I promise I won’t call every hour again.” Daehyun looked away, but nodded after a few seconds and sighed. I focused my attention on my phone. I don’t want to see how he blinked to keep his tears at bay, how he bit his lips to distract himself. I don’t want to see him hurting, so I turned away.

I dialled Youngjae’s number, and like this morning, I was welcomed by the recorded voice of my hyung. It went to voicemail. I dialled it the second time, the third time, it was still the same.

1,257, 1,258, 1,259, My head automatically counted.

I closed my eyes, and calmed myself when I feel the tears forming. I felt an ice cream being placed on my hands, and my phone being taken away. I instantly pulled away and dropped the ice cream, not wanting to let go of the device.

“No!”

“Ssh.” Daehyun gave the other ice cream to me as he pried my hands off the device. Giving up, I watched him as he opened my phone, and worked his way with it. My eyes widening upon realizing what he was doing.

“Hyu –”

“Just this once Junhong.” He said and placed it back to my now clammy hand.

I shakily placed my phone to my ear, still looking at Daehyun. This time, he didn’t smile. He just pats my knee and went to sit on the swing beside me, not wanting to make things awkward.

The phone crackled and I tore my gaze away from Daehyun when I heard the sounds becoming clearer. “Youngjae hyung, this is Junhong. I’m worried. How are you?”

“Ah Junhongie. Don’t worry about me. I’m doing great! I hope you are too.” His voice is still hoarse, but it was a bit better than a while ago.

“I am, hyung. I’m doing well with Daehyun hyung.”

I heard him laugh, and I almost want to tear up. Oh how I missed hearing this sound, seeing his eyes disappear to lines as his lips turn upward, his eye wrinkles, his voice.

I miss this perfection. I miss Yoo Youngjae.

"Your Daehyun hyung is there to replace my mouth and the radio you broke last Christmas.”

I chuckled, remembering the way he scolded me for being careless, and laughed after successfully insulting Daehyun when he said I 'killed' Daehyun's best friend - because  apparently, even Youngjae cannot be compared to Daehyun when it comes to talking non-stop.

“It’s nice to hear that you’re enjoying the summer. Daehyun told me that you just got an A+ in Biology. Ah look! Now you’re getting some of my smart genes and a little of your Daehyun hyung’s! Haha!”
 

“Thanks hyung.” I smiled to myself and noted the way he insults Daehyun even when he is talking to me.

 
“I hope to see you soon Junhong-ah.” I close my eyes once more, knowing that the call will be ending soon. 

“Me too hyung, bye.”

The phone call ended, the ice cream has now melted on my hands - reminding me why I was here in the first place. I faced Daehyun who was now staring blankly in space.

"Hyung."

“Junhong, you know you can always go to me if you need help. I’m also your hyung.” I watched him as his gaze softened and slowly turned to me. "I know you're guilty but - "

“Hyung, I don’t need anyone’s help.” I smiled to myself. “I’m okay.”

More than okay.

When we were younger, they taught us the art of giving.

They said it was better to give than to receive.

Daehyun learned.

I didn't.

So I remained selfish.

And he remained selfless.

We didn't care. 

Author's Note: Please do wait for the second and last chapter. I am halfway done with it but I am having a writer's block. I hope I'm not messing the story up so far. Thanks for reading! God bless!