Breathe in. Breathe out.

The sounds of rushing cars beneath me urge me to slide my feet even further of the edge. Just a few more inches. Just a few more inches and everything will end. I wish I could say I'm sorry. I wish I could tell my parents and my friends and my...brothers how much I love them. But I won't have the courage to jump after I say goodbye. It's better this way. To vanish from this world like a pile of dust. If I jump from here...I will die, right? It will be a painful death, but nothing compared to what my brothers went through. 

It hadn't always been this bad.

There was a time where everything was fine. There was a time when I was so happy I could explode. I close my eyes and soak in the memories. It was after our Lost Planet tour to Mexico. Kai was laughing and joking around with Kyungsoo about how his voice cracked at the high note. Chanyeol was trying to find Baekhyun to show him the gift the fans gave him. Kris was trying to convince all of us to order some fried chicken to celebrate our great performance but Suho argued that they should eat something healthier. Chen was going around, trolling everyone while Lay and Xiumin went around, thanking all the staff. And Luhan...Luhan gave me a present.

"Here, my dongsaeng!" He holds out a brown paper bag. The grin on his face brighter than all the stars in the sky.

"Ooh! Hyung what's this?" I peek into the brown bag. "WAAAH!!! Chocolate bubble tea! Wah thank you so much Hyung!" I exclaim, touched to the bottom of my heart. I pull out the small cup of my favorite thing in the whole wide world, chocolate bubble tea. You might not think it's such a big deal. But think about it. We're in Mexico. We don't have the slightest clue where to get korean food or bubble tea.

"But Hyung." I say with my mouth filled with bubble tea.

"What, Sehun?"

"Where's your bubble tea?" I ask innocently. Luhan flashes me a smile and doesn't answer my question. I always assumed that he drank his before we went on stage or something. It wasn't until after his death that I overheard from the gossiping staffs how he only had enough money for one cup of bubble tea. And how he went around begging the staff for three whole hours to go out to buy a cup of bubble tea for me.

"Sehun-ah. You're going to be my roommate tonight, right?" Luhan puts his arm around my shoulders. I smirk a little at how much taller I am and how Luhan had to reach up to ruffle my hair. I decide to a bit. After all, he loves me right? He won't mind this cuteness.

"I don't want to! You will kick me off the bed and then my back will hurt tomorrow!" I whine. 

"Yah! Are you talking back to me? Aiiish. Suho is cutting you too much slack lately. Has he not been teaching you basic mannerism? Besides, when did I ever do that?" He scolds jokingly. Suho hears him and comes over glaring at me. 

"Luhan Hyung, if you can teach this little rascal, please do. All he ever does is ignore my lectures and bully me with Kai and Baekhyun. You know what Baekhyun did? He convinced Sehun, Kai, and Chanyeol to move me while I was sleeping and they threw me into the hallway. I was freezing when I woke up! Aish, the Beagle line I swear." Suho complains. I laugh as I recall that time when we moved him to the hallway. To be fair, we did leave him a blanket to use. It's fault he didn't use it. 

"THAT'S WHY I'M SAYING LET'S JUST ORDER FRIED CHICKEN INSTEAD!!! IT'S MUCH CHEAPER AND FASTER THAN CHINESE FOOD!" Kris roars, fed up with Chen's trolling. Everyone immediately shuts up when we hear Kris shout. He can be pretty scary when he chooses to be. "Jeez. Don't you guys want fried chicken? It's been forever since we ordered it."

"Hyung, we ordered fried chicken yesterday. Even Chicken Mania over there doesn't want to eat it." Baekhyun points at Kai, who's currently being strangled by Kyungsoo. He frantically pulls at Kyungsoo's arm, silently begging for someone to help him. Finally, Lay comes back with Xiumin and together, they pull Kyungsoo off of him.

"Who's Chicken Mania! I never agreed to be called Chicken Mania. After you guys labled me as Chicken Mania on Showtime do you know how many fans started calling me that instead of Oppa?" He gasps. 

"Aigoo, our dark-skinned Chicken Mania is embarassed, isn't he?" Baekhyun teases him.

"HYUNG! STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Kai runs after Baekhyun, laughing and threatening him with something about Taeyeon from Girls Generation. Kris just looks even more irritated now that no one is paying attention to him.

"Yah Byun Baekhyun! Don't bully my Jongin like that! Do you want to die?" Chanyeol threatens. But it's kind of hard to take him seriously, with those big ears of his. Luhan just shakes his head as he silently laughs. "Luhan Hyung, come here and help me! Kai might get hurt!" 

"Be quiet you fanboy!" Baekhyun teases. Chanyeol runs after him asking him to repeat it again. Kyungsoo catches Kai by his arm and holds him back. Kris sighs and flops onto the white sofa, pouting. 

"I'm so hungry. Can't we just make some ramyun right now?" Lay asks to no one in particular. "Or we could order pizza or something." 

"Yeah that sounds like a good idea!" Xiumin chimes in. Pretty soon, everyone is nodding their heads in consent to just eating ramyun. Kris looks around, panicked. 

"But you guys said that you didn't want anything unhealthy! Ramyun's a lot worse than fried chicken." He complains. No one listens to him and we all leave him there, sputtering in disbelief. 

That is one of my last few memories of all of us together. As EXO. As OT12. As...us. Then A few weeks later, things began to fall apart. The CEO called the eleven of us in and told us that Kris will no longer be part of EXO.  And a few months later...the incident with Luhan happens. Sometimes I wonder if at that time, if I treasured those moments a bit more, loved them a bit more, would I feel such regret and despair right now? If at that time, we ordered the fried chicken that Kris hyung wanted, would he still have left the group? 

I once heard a saying, in one of the books my teacher made us read in high school. It was, "Always treasure each moment of your life, because it may be your best." I wish I took the advice to heart.

I shakily let go off the breath I didn't notice I've been holding. I slowly back away from the edge of the roof. No, it's not time yet. I can't run away yet. As I turn around to walk away from my death, I notice Tao leaning against the door leading down the roof, staring at the cloudless sky. He shifts just enough so I can pass by him when I walk up. But I don't leave. Instead, I lean against the other side of the doorway and look up at the sky.

"Why did you stop." He asks emotionlessly, not looking at me.

"Just...don't think it's the right time yet." I respond, in the same dull tone as he used. We stand there, listening to the bustling commotion of Seoul's night life. It's like Tao's power casted a reverse spell over us. Freezing us, instead of the rest of the world. So as the rest of the world ages, moves on, we just...stand there. 

"Do you think...the hyungs would be mad if I left first?" He asks softly. I don't say anything. "Sehun-ah, if it was you, would you be mad if I jumped before you? If I took your courage that you gave up here tonight. If I just...give up?" He whispers. Luhan hyung...is up there, right? He's shining brighter than all the stars in the sky...right? Like how he always wished for EXO to be. To be the most popular idols in the industry, to outshine all the stars in the sky. He's outshining them all right now right?

I pick myself up and walk down the stairs. Before I leave, I say softly.

"Yes."