Donghae had forgotten how many times he had stood in front of that red door. Years and years of doing that almost every single day was probably one of the reasons why Donghae finally lost count. It had become a habit, something as simple as breathing or blinking his eyes. Honestly, how many people in this world counted how many times they drew breath? The answer was zero. Because that’s how natural breathing was. And to Donghae, so was standing in front of that red door. Every time his work shift ended his feet just instantly brought him to the familiar street, pavement, and eventually the red door.

Donghae didn’t know how it would be if he didn’t go that red door even if it was just for one day. He had tried picturing it, tried forcing his mind to really accept the prospect of not going to that red door, and all he got out of it was a shudder. Yes, he shuddered at the possibility of not having that red door in his view every time his day ended. It was then that Donghae realized just how much it meant to him.

But now Donghae found himself standing in front of that red door for a whole different reason. The erratic beating of his heart had told him that this time was different. Of course it was not the red door that drove Donghae every day to that place. No, the red door was just a symbol. A symbol of how his whole being just fell into a comfortable bliss knowing who was going to be standing behind that red door, opening it for him with that adorable gummy smile that Donghae had memorized so well.

Subconsciously, Donghae’s lips turned upwards into a heartwarming smile the moment he thought about him. Lee Hyukjae. The one and only reason why going to that red door was deemed essential for Donghae. His gummy smile that Donghae loved the most about him, his hypnotizing almond-shaped eyes, his full pouty lips, and his prominent jaw line. It still surprised Donghae how easily it was for him to name every single feature of Hyukjae’s face, it was as if for his whole life that face was the only thing that he was exposed to. But then again, nothing else in this world could bring the amount of peace to Donghae’s mind as much as that face.

Donghae brought his hand up towards the door bell, his index finger a mere inch away from it as he once again stopped himself. He had stood in front of that door for almost 5 minutes now, yet he still couldn’t find it in him to actually let his presence known. In his head, a whirlwind of questions was thrashing around, demolishing any other thought in his mind. What was he supposed to do? What could he do to fix the grave mistake he had done?

That was why this visit to the red door was different.

Everybody around Donghae knew that when they said his name, there was no way they couldn’t mention Hyukjae as well. Best friends since childhood, the two completed each other perfectly. Donghae was the yin to Hyukjae’s yang, like two pieces of a puzzle that would instantly fit with each other no matter at which angle you put them together. But then people started to notice something had changed in Hyukjae. The look on Hyukjae’s eyes whenever it was directed at Donghae had evolved from brotherly love to just… plain love. And everybody could see that. Everybody except for Donghae.

Donghae always knew that Hyukjae was special to him in every way. Hyukjae was there for every significant change in his life.  Hyukjae was there the first time he had his heart broken at 18 years old, he had been the one holding Donghae close as he cried over the girl who dumped him for some other guy. Donghae could still remember vividly how warm Hyukjae’s embrace was, how soothing his words were to his aching heart.

“Hae-ah, she’s not worth your time, she’s not worth your tears. If she had the heart to do this to you then let’s face it, she doesn’t have the heart good enough to love you. You’re kind, you’re funny, you’re sweet, and there must be… someone out there who can love you a million times better than she can. Remember that, Hae.”

Donghae had no idea that Hyukjae was referring to himself when he said ‘someone’.

They continued being best friends for years later. And that red door to Hyukjae’s apartment was the silent witness of how every day Donghae always walked through it after his shift as a head chef at a luxurious restaurant nearby had ended, greeted by the smiling Hyukjae. Donghae would sometimes sneak away to that apartment every time things at work got too much and he just needed an escape. Hyukjae worked as a music producer and he’s almost always home, holed up in the studio installed there, not letting anyone except Donghae or his assistant Alice to bother him.

They would stay there talking and laughing until Donghae felt refreshed enough to go back to work, knowing that he would be back there after work, sometimes even spending the night there. And that was how things would always go. Until the day that had changed their friendship for good.

Donghae realized that he needed Hyukjae, he needed to see him, talk to him, and hear his voice so he would survive through the day. And he knew that that was how Hyukjae felt about him too. But Donghae was never prepared for that day when suddenly, on a rainy night, Hyukjae confessed to him, telling Donghae that he loved him more than just friends, even more than brothers. Hyukjae said, clear as the lightning that broke through that rainy night,

“I love you, Hae. Not as your friend, not as your brother, just as Lee Hyukjae. The guy who had been in love with you for years but stupid enough not to let you know sooner.”

Donghae was stunned, beyond surprised. He always wondered why Hyukjae remained single, but he would never suspect that the reason was him. Along with that confession, Hyukjae had even dared to kiss Donghae. No one could predict how Donghae would react to that.

Donghae pushed Hyukjae away, making him stumble upon the carpeted floor of his living room and yelled these words,

“What the hell are you doing??!! I’m straight, always have been, you out of all people should know that!! I’m not some… some like you!!”

Hyukjae didn’t even reply and he didn’t even let Donghae catch his breath when he stood up from the floor, ran to his room, and slammed the door shut. Donghae immediately regretted what he had said, but he was still taken by shock so much that he didn’t have any idea what to do. So he left, in his mind that was the easiest way to go. That way, he didn’t have to face Hyukjae, and the impact his words had made on him. As he closed that red door behind him when he fled the apartment and ran through the rain, he had no idea how hard much it would take for him to be able to walk inside that red door again.

In the days that followed Hyukjae’s confession, Donghae still found himself subconsciously walking down the familiar road and heading to that red door, only to stop himself a few feet shy of it. Then he remembered what had happened behind that red door and just turned around and left. He never talked to Hyukjae ever since that night, yet every single day his feet would just led him to that red door. And just like the days before, he would stop and leave before he reached it.

Donghae could feel himself breaking down piece by piece the longer he didn’t speak nor had any contact with Hyukjae. He wasn’t concentrating at work, his guests kept complaining that the restaurant had somehow lost its appeal, the food just wasn’t as good as it was before. They were all saying the same thing, the food had lost the fiery soul that was once in it. And that was simply because the creator himself had lost the willingness to put his heart and soul on his work.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and without Donghae realizing, it had been exactly four months since the last time he had spoken to Hyukjae. Note that the highlight here was the word spoken. Donghae had gone as far as restraining himself from walking towards that red door again, yet he couldn’t bear to really cut all ties with it. So he sat on the 24-hour café near the apartment, which was also near the restaurant he worked in, and just observed that red door from afar. Donghae sometimes caught the sight of Hyukjae walking out of that red door with his dog, a fluffy little thing called Choco that he also adored. He smiled as he remembered he used to joke around with Hyukjae, saying that since they bought Choco together, they were practically Choco’s umma and appa. How could he fail to notice the hopeful spark that instantly filled Hyukjae’s eyes once he said that? He should’ve known it meant something more.

And from the days he spent sitting on that café, watching over that red door, he finally realized why he took the job at that restaurant at the first place. It was simply because he was comfortable with knowing that Hyukjae’s place was nearby, and he could always run there whenever he needed the comfort that Hyukjae always managed to give him. This revelation shocked him to no end. Had he always known this? Or that realization came from being away from Hyukjae for so long? The answer was on the tip of Donghae’s tongue, at the very bottom of his thoughts, but he didn’t have the guts to actually say it, or to actually think of it.

Donghae also noticed that since he stopped visiting Hyukjae, Alice, Hyukjae’s assistant, was seen going back and forth to Hyukjae’s apartment more frequent than usual. Donghae knew that girl quite well and how those two work, and he knew that Hyukjae never needed Alice to be around for more than once a day but now, Alice was there at least two or three times a day. Donghae’s wondering was answered soon enough, though, when one night he was once again sitting at the same café, and saw Hyukjae and Alice walking hand in hand towards the red door he had denied himself to visit. The fact that they were holding hands was a surprise all on its own. Since when did they start holding hands? Then suddenly Donghae felt as if an invisible lump had formed in his throat, blocking him from talking or even breathing altogether, as he witnessed with his own eyes, Hyukjae pulling Alice into his arms, kissing her forehead tenderly before Hyukjae opened the red door, letting Alice inside and closed it as they were both inside. Donghae didn’t see Alice leaving through that red door for the entire night.

Something stung at Donghae’s eyes. And then one, two, three drops of tears fell from his eyes. How come it hurt so much to see them together? How was it that he felt like an invisible hand had reached through his ribcage, pulled his heart out and threw it across the room carelessly? His own conscience had answered the question, though. It’s because you love him, Lee Donghae. Snap out of your self-made wall and realize that already. But Donghae still didn’t want to believe it. He was absolutely positive that he was straight. He loved the curves women have, their long eyelashes batting when they were trying to make a move on him. He had never found any male attractive, no, never. But even as he was telling himself that, images of Hyukjae’s gummy smile, his full pink lips and how soft they felt when Hyukjae had jokingly kissed him on the cheek, began parading themselves in Donghae’s thoughts. He almost forgot how good it felt to feel those lips on his cheek.

“Hyung, you should stop this. You’re already a mess, how long are you gonna keep stalking him?”

Donghae averted his eyes away from that red door and turned to look at Kyuhyun, the café’s owner and one of his best friends too. It was funny to Donghae how he seemed to have the people closest to his heart also physically close to him. Guess he was just lucky that way. Kyuhyun being the owner of that café was the reason why he could get away sitting there for hours, doing nothing but keeping his eyes on the red door that he always associated comfort with. He had missed it so much.

“Kyuhyun, are they…”

Finishing that sentence with ‘… dating?’ was equal to being forced to drink a bucket of sewage water for Donghae at that time. He dreaded saying it, yet he was dying to know the answer to that question. Kyuhyun let out a sigh and sat in front of Donghae, knowing full well that his hyung was referring to the couple disappearing behind that red door that could easily be seen from the big glass windows of the café he owned. He knew what had happened, of course. He knew about Hyukjae’s confession that had wreaked this havoc at the first place. Him being one of Donghae’s best friends meant that he was close with Hyukjae and Alice as well.

“Honestly hyung, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re indeed dating.”

Kyuhyun of course didn’t miss the little groan that left Donghae’s throat involuntarily when he said that. And he began to wonder why Donghae couldn’t see the obvious truth that was staring holes into him.

“What do you think he was supposed to do after what you did to him, hyung? Surely you can’t expect him to just sit around waiting for you, right? You haven’t even talked to him after that night, let alone apologize. I personally think it’s better for him to be with Alice, judging on what a mess he was after you left him and stopped talking to him. At least now he could smile again.”

Kyuhyun’s words were like bullets shooting through an automatic machine gun and aimed perfectly at Donghae’s heart. It was hurtful yet it’s the truth. It wasn’t pleasant yet Donghae knew it made sense.

“But… isn’t he…?”

“In love with you? Yes, he is. Even until now. But he’s not stupid enough to stay and wait for someone who wouldn’t even come to terms with what he actually feels.”

Donghae was smart enough to know that Kyuhyun was indeed talking about him. And that big bundle of fear suddenly became apparent in Donghae’s eyes again. No, he couldn’t be gay, there was just no way he could. What would his family think of it? What would people in general think of it? This was Korea, not America. Homouality was still a foreign concept, even at a country that thought lightly of what they called a skinship, even between males.

“Kyuhyun, I’m not… I’m not gay.”

“So what if you are? Hyung, gay or not you’re still human. Don’t deny your right to love.”

And Donghae stood up and left the café right after Kyuhyun said that. He didn’t know what possessed him to do that but now there was no hesitation in him, what Kyuhyun said was the catalyst to all this courage he suddenly felt surging inside him. He didn’t know why he spent that long shielding his heart, fooling it to believe it didn’t need Hyukjae to continue beating. But as he had demonstrated earlier when he saw Alice and Hyukjae together, it was impossible. He needed Hyukjae, it was that simple.

That courage immediately shrunk once Donghae reached that red door, resulting in him standing there without doing anything for the past couple minutes. Now that he had to actually come face to face with it, the self-doubting fear came back. He came out from his stupor, though, when the red door swung open, revealing a petite girl with short jet-black hair and a pair of blue eyes piercing through the pale complexion. Alice.

“What are you doing here?”

Came the accusing question Alice threw at Donghae, dislike clearly etched all over his face once she saw who was behind the door.

“I… need to see Hyukjae. What are you doing here?”

The muscles in Alice’s face tightened once she heard Donghae’s question. She stepped out of that door and lightly closed it behind her. She was just a step away from Donghae, her eyes staring challengingly at Donghae. For a girl as petite as her, she sure had a lot of courage.

“You need to see him? Seriously, haven’t you done enough? And to answer your question, I’m here cleaning up the mess YOU left. He refused to work, he refused to eat, all because of you, .”

Donghae probably had never seen someone so angry, and most importantly, for once in his life, he was actually afraid of the girl standing in front of him right now with her index finger digging on his chest. It really hurt, actually.

“Alice, you’re in love with him aren’t you?”

As fast as that flame of courage that seemed to light up in Alice once she saw Donghae, it was gone equally fast when Donghae threw that question at her. No lip service, no introduction, no nothing. For once, Donghae would just start practicing to immediately say what was on his mind. He made the mistake of not doing that when he had pushed Hyukjae away from him, saying that he wasn’t a like him. Alice’s eyes grew wide at the question. For a second he saw anger in them, but was immediately replaced with… sadness?

“Yes, I do, very much. But I would be gravely mistaken if I think it will be reciprocated. You see, even though I had told him just how much I love him, he just refused to fall out of love with someone.”

Hearing the exaggeration Alice put on the word ‘someone’, Donghae knew exactly who it was.  Just then he realized the reason behind what he had witnessed happening between Alice and Hyukjae before. Those two can relate to each other. Apparently, there were two broken hearts behind that red door.

“Alice, who is it?”

And the face Donghae had been missing came suddenly, blinding him with its light, its familiarity, and its beauty. The voice, uttering the most common words, felt like it was an orchestra mastered brilliantly to Donghae. Lord knows how much he had missed that voice. Hyukjae’s face quickly contorted into a frown the moment he laid his eyes on Donghae. How could he not? He had broken Hyukjae’s heart and left. Just left without any explanation, any reason. For 4 whole months he was kept under the dark about anything related to Donghae.

As if sensing what was going on underneath it, the sky darkened down drastically and drops of rain began falling heavily.

“Why are you here?”

It seemed as though Hyukjae had mastered what Donghae was trying to do with Alice earlier, delivering piercing questions with no preparations at all. Everything was right to the point. And no matter how much Donghae tried, even though he had practiced it earlier with Alice, he just seemed to forget all about it when he came face to face with Hyukjae. Where was he supposed to start? ‘I’m sorry?’, ‘Please forgive me?’, or… ‘I love you’?

“If you don’t have anything to say you really shouldn’t be here at the first place.”

Donghae watched as his second chance with Hyukjae about to disappear just like that when Hyukjae turned away, pulling Alice by the wrist and was about to walk inside the red door again. And even though he wasn’t blessed with the ability to speak earlier, he sure was blessed by the gift of reacting quickly in the situation before him. He grabbed Hyukjae’s wrist before he managed to get inside. Hyukjae immediately let go of Alice, eyes darting from the hand that held tightly at his wrist to the one owning said hand. Donghae knew that was the second chance he was waiting for. And he didn’t waste it.

“I was wrong when I said that. I was wrong for ignoring you these past four months. It was because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of something so true that I ran out of ways to deny it. I should’ve known that the moment you told me you loved me there was no way I could escape you. I recognize the truth in what you said cause that’s what I felt too. I was just… too afraid to admit it. Afraid of what, I still don’t know and that makes me feel even worse. I just… need you, Hyukkie.”

The seconds that passed by during the time Hyukjae kept his gaze fixed on Donghae felt like centuries. For Donghae, for Hyukjae, also for Alice. Each with their own emotional battle that was rampant underneath their silence and composed exterior. Three hearts, each anticipating what’s gonna happen next because that would determine whether all of this will end in tears for any one of them. This was the devil’s circle, any one of them will eventually get hurt, there was no other choice.

“Too little too late, Hae.”

With that, Hyukjae wrenched his wrist out of Donghae’s grasp and pulled Alice behind that red door with him, slamming it in front of Donghae’s face all the while with a blank expression on his face. For a few seconds Donghae was unable to move, suffocated by an invisible rope that tied itself around his throat. His whole body grew numb as he realized that he was indeed too late. Thousands of ‘should’ve’ ‘could’ve’ ‘would’ve’ appeared at his mind, things he should’ve done, words he could’ve said, paths he would’ve taken. But they all boiled down to one thing, he had lost what probably is the love of his life. The person who knew him like the back of his own hand, who could see beneath all the façade that would usually fool anyone.

Donghae felt nothing but defeat as he turned around and once again took the same steps he had taken four months ago into the rain, leaving behind that red door. Only this time, all he wanted was to go back, to beat his fist on that red door, screaming at Hyukjae, begging for him to give Donghae another chance. But he just couldn’t. The look on Hyukjae’s eyes was enough to tell him it was over, that he was no longer welcomed through that red door. The raindrops did nothing but to add more weight to Donghae’s already restless body, to his already tiresome heart. The walk he had to take to leave behind that red door felt a million times heavier now that he knew there was no chance for him to come back. Donghae was the living proof of the phrase ‘walking under the rain so they couldn’t see me cry’ because that’s exactly what he did.

Until he felt a touch on his shoulder.

Hyukjae had walked into the rain with him.

“I take back what I said, I don’t wanna make the same mistake you did. No, it’s not too late, Hae and I still love you more than anything.”

There, underneath the rain, in front of the red door, two lost souls had found each other once again, intertwined in a fiery kiss, bringing along the knowledge they got out of the time they spent away from each other. They were meant to be together.