The sound of cars honking and wheels skidding against the black asphalt are echoing throughout Sehun’s ear. Sitting in his black Prius, he turns the corner, hands grasping onto the black leather covered wheel. He’s in a suburban neighborhood, eventually glancing at the parks and the picket white fences. He takes a hand off of the wheel and rubs at his tired eyes. The car rocks side to side gently as it rolls onto a gravelly driveway. 

 

    Sehun opens the car door and steps out. He cringes as he hears his knees crack. Looking up, a young boy with dark brown hair runs out of the house in front of him, colorful backpack clinging onto his back. 

 

    "Hi Daddy!" He exclaims with a cheeky smile and squinting eyes. A crooked smile tugs at Sehun's lips, adoring his son’s peppiness after a long day.

 

    "Hey buddy," The man says as he crouches at eye level with his son, ruffling his hair playfully. He feels his dress trousers pinching the skin underneath his knees. "How was your day?"

 

    Haowen starts chattering about coloring Spiderman in his new coloring book. While Sehun nods absently, he notices his mother standing near the garage, holding Ziyu on her hip. She forces a smile with soft eyes.

 

    "Hao, sit in the car and wait for Daddy, okay?" Sehun interrupts, turning to the young boy. The boy obeys with an eager nod. Sehun gives his son a comforting smile before making his way towards his mother. She hands over Ziyu, who's biting into a blanket messily. 

 

    Taking his baby into his arms, Sehun runs a large hand over Ziyu's warm head and presses a soft kiss to his forehead. "Um, thanks for watching them, Mom."

 

    His mother juts her chin silently, watching her grandson in awe. Sehun presses his lips together, turns around, and makes his way to the car. He's about to open the door when his mother finally speaks.

 

    "Have you contacted her lately?"

 

    His fingers tighten on the door handle. 

 

    "I've just been worried, honey. You've seemed very... off these past few months."

 

    Sehun opens the door and sets Ziyu in his car seat gently before slamming the door shut. His heart drops a little when he sees Haowen flinch.

 

    "And what? You don't want that rubbing off of on Haowen and Ziyu?"

 

    "No it's not that, Sehun, I just--"

 

    "I'm doing fine, Mom. I don't need her help.” He whips around and storms to his car.

 

    “I-I ran into her yesterday," Sehun freezes. "She-She asked me how you were doing."

 

    The man shuts his eyes slowly, swallowing thickly. His stomach churns uncomfortably.

 

    "A-And I said you were doing fine...I mean, you are doing fine right?"

 

    She receives no response except the wheels of a black Prius skidding against the road as the car in front of her speeds off. 

 

 

    Sehun presses a kiss to Haowen's forehead after pulling the Star Wars blanket up to his neck. He whispers I love you before walking towards Ziyu's crib, chuckling when he sees that the youngest is already knocked out. He begins to exit the dimly lit bedroom. He flips the switch and shuts the door. 

 

    Sehun walks into the bathroom, placing his hands on the sink. His vision becomes distorted and he feels lightheaded. Breathe, he reminds himself.

 

 

    "I love love love you, Oh Sehun."

    The elder chuckles softly with a mouthful of toothpaste, "I can shee that."

 

    The love of his life embraces him from behind, honey, blond locks caressing her heart-shaped face. She breathes softly into his t-shirt, pinching the sides of it. 

 

    "I never want to leave you," She whines. Sehun laughs again, lowering his head into the sink to spit.

 

    "What's with you this morning? You usually throw your razors at me." 

 

    She laughs boisterously before rubbing her cheek into his back. "I just want you to remember this all day, and every upcoming moment you feel sad or angry."

 

    "I want you to know I will always love you."

 

 

    I will always love you.

 

    "God," Sehun grunts, gripping tighter onto the counter. His teeth dig deeper into his lower lip. When he looks up with blurry eyes, the light suddenly seems way too harsh.

 

    Sehun stares at the bottle of pills a little bit too long. He does this every night--contemplate. But the young boys in the next room seem to stop him every time. They seem to drown all the thoughts; but the one thing they'll never be able to do is to mend Sehun's aching heart. 

 

    The man rubs at his bloodshot eyes as he opens the door and sluggishly drags himself to his bedroom. As he flops himself down,  his head starts to ache because he can hear her sweet, soft voice.

 

 

    "You know, I've always wanted grandchildren."

 

    "Ma!"

 

    "What, it's true! I think it's about time someone else call me Grandma than the boys around this neighborhood." Sehun only laughs when the love of his life blushes scarlet red.

 

    "Your child or children would be absolutely beautiful." Mama sighs dreamily with a smile.

    The young couple giggles, snuggling into each other. Their hands are intertwined. 

 

    "Do me a favor, dear," Mama starts to say, "If you ever do have children, name 'em after your father and older brother."

 

    Sehun looks down at her with curious eyes. She smiles tightly as she plays with his fingers that are intertwined with hers. "Haowen was my father and Ziyu was my older brother." She looks up at the American flag in a display case, grip tightening on Sehun's big hand. He sees her swallow thickly.

 

    Sehun turns to Mama, a boyish smile on his lips. "If we ever get married and have children, I would be glad to name them Haowen and Ziyu."

 

 

    The man wipes his nose with the back of wrist before exiting the bedroom. He always stays up late to check up on his children. When he tiptoes to their bedroom, he sees that they’re fast asleep, Haowen eliciting a soft snore. Sehun chuckles wryly, returning to his room.

 

    As he climbs into bed, he takes a deep breath. His head sinks into the pillow and his back is enveloped by the mattress. Outside, the crickets are chirping monotonously and the full moon is peeping through his sheer curtains. The deafening silence and the lack of warmth next to him every night make the night seem more frightening than it did as a child. 

 

    Sehun's eyes sting from the water dripping from his eyes and he can taste the bitterness in his mouth. He finds himself blindly searching for another hand to hold under the sheets. When he grips wind-kissed sheets, he swallows the lump in his throat. Turning on his side, he squeezes his eyes shut, hoping to fall asleep soon. 

 

    He would've done anything for her. Right now, he doesn't need anything more than the three words he's been longing to hear for so long.

 

 

    It's been six years.

 

    Of course Sehun is shocked when he sees that her hair is different, dyed a dark brown, and those pretty brown eyes he always fell in a daze in.

 

    She's sitting in a chair in the waiting room, legs crossed, focused on a Cosmo magazine. She's wearing an blue oversized sweater that has small holes in the wrist, boyfriend jeans, and a pair of open-toed black heels. 

 

    Sehun’s saliva tastes like pennies. His palms sweat and his lips become dangerously dry. 

 

    “Dr. Kim will be off of his shift in 15 minutes. Do you mind waiting?" Sehun turns around, forgetting about his question to the receptionist. He thinks he looks dumbfounded because the woman giggles quietly.

 

    "Oh um, yeah, sure," Sehun breathes. He's becoming a little faint. He unsteadily sits down in a chair near the elevators. Not too close, he thinks. Her back is semi-facing him. He can still see her tall, sloping nose. 

 

    She still looks gorgeous. He notices the veins in her hands are more prominent. 

 

    Sehun doesn't know what to do. Leaning forward with elbows on his knees, he’s panicking silently while she continues to skim the magazine in her hands. Wouldn’t it be strange to come over and say hello? Ask someone who walked out on your family, about their own well being? 

 

    Sehun misses her.

 

     All of a sudden, a strong hand clasps onto his shoulder, causing him to jump in his seat. He thinks she sees him. No no, he knows.

 

    "Oh Sehun, you here to see me or what?!" A voice that sounds nothing like his best friend’s, booms as the person guffaws shortly after.

 

    She looks up and Sehun just knows her heart stopped beating for a bit—by the way all of her limbs stiffened and her doe eyes became glassy. Sehun tries to not make sudden eye contact so he turns to see Jongdae, an old classmate from one of his college courses. 

 

    "Jongdae," Sehun laughs airily, standing up. The other man makes his way around the row of chairs and pulls Sehun into a bear hug. 

 

    "How are you doing, man? We haven't talked in ages." Jongdae asks with a youthful smile, hand still on his shoulder.

 

    Sehun feels her stare burning into his back.

 

    "I've been doing just fine."

 

 

    Sehun sits on a backless bench outside of the hospital, puffing a cigarette. He doesn't like it but the cardboard taste takes his mind off of things. Plans of him and Jongdae going out for drinks at 9 tomorrow night just left his mind. 

 

    He hears the hospital doors sliding open but he ignores it as he exhales smoke. He's leaning forward again, elbows on his knees. The sound of heels click clack towards him and it's nearing. The smell of Chanel perfume is so familiar to his senses, he can practically taste it. 

 

    Sehun knows who it is. He’s been waiting for this moment for six years. But before he can even say her name, she's already speaking. 

 

    "Hey." Her voice is still airy and gentle like he remembers. Sehun doesn't look up. He continues puffing smoke from the lit cigarette. The love of his life is standing right next to him and he can't say one thing. His heart is pounding so hard, he can’t hear his own breath and he feels his heart in his throat.

 

    She sits down, hands folding underneath her jeans. She takes a deep breath. The air is thick. Tension or the humidity, Sehun couldn't tell.

 

    "You shouldn't smoke." 

 

    Sehun scoffs, lips pressing together tightly around the stick. "I'm sure I'll be just fine." When he exhales and the wind blows the smoke right back in his face, he rubs at his eyes. 

 

 

 

    Sehun can feel her shrinking back into her imaginary shell. He can hear car horns blaring in the distance due to the highway traffic. An elderly man pushes an elderly woman, who's in a wheelchair, into the building. The love of his life is sitting next to him. He puts the cigarette out by dropping it on the ground and twisting his dress shoe on it.

 

    "How have you been?" She asks. Not a stutter in her voice. Sehun ignores her question but only to try to remember how she always tried to act like she wasn't terrified. Her soft voice would shake, just the slightest. She would get all hot and itchy. He hears her scratching at her neck. This is one of the moments. 

 

    The man exhales deeply as if he were still smoking. his lips, he replies, "Fine."

 

    "Oh," She squeaks. "Good."

 

    "W'bout you?"

 

    Sehun misses her so much, even though she's sitting right next him, even though they're speaking. For six years, he's longed for her touch, her voice, and her words. And she's here, but Sehun can’t see her.

 

    "I'm okay, thanks."

 

    He hums without having another word to say. In six years, he had a speech prepared. But right now, his words would be transparent. She would see right through them and forget about them the next day. 

 

    Sehun’s afraid to look at her. 

 

    “How’s your job a-at, uh, the law firm?” Stutter.

 

    “It’s fine.” Sehun’s clothed feet feel hot in his shoes. Where the hell is Kim Jongin? He glances at the shaking foot next to him. He wants to reach out and rest his hand on her thigh. It’s bad habit, he would say. 

 

    The silence is unbearable. It makes Sehun’s ears ring.

 

    She takes another deep breath. “Sehun, I—,” He thinks she’s choked on her spit because she pauses abruptly and makes a throaty sound. She always held her breath in for too long. “S-Sehun, I know t-this is a lot to ask but I was wondering—“ 

 

    Sehun looks up at her. Ziyu is the spitting image of the love of his life. Same eyes, same nose, same shocked expression. He wants to run his fingers down her jawline and through her hair, to twirl soft, shining locks through his hands. His fingers twitch but he tries to cover it up as him tapping his fingers against the bench.

 

    “Luhan.” The name sounds foreign to his tongue and it tickles his mouth. He watches her pick at the withering holes in her jeans. “What do you want?”

 

    Luhan mouth quivers as she says, “I-I want to see my children, Sehun.”

 

 

 

    “What you’re doing is unacceptable, Oh Sehun.” 

 

    “Don’t you dare lecture me, Kim Jongin.”

 

    It’s a late Saturday night. It’s been two days since he last spoke to Luhan at the hospital. 

 

    They’re sitting at the bar they always go to, Patty’s Pub, with the drinks they always get, whiskey on rocks for Jongin and club soda for Sehun, sitting in the stools they always sit in, right by the entrance. It’s their favorite because the lighting is just perfect and the music is never too loud. The bartender refills Sehun’s club soda, offering him a kind smile. 

 

    “A mother deserves to see her children.” Jongin says to Sehun with a stern look. Late night surgeries and case studying have created dark puffy bags underneath Jongin’s once-youthful eyes. Sehun nearly scoffs as he fights the urge to roll his eyes.

 

    “A child deserves a mother who doesn’t walk out on them.” Sehun sips his club soda.

 

    “Though that might be true, Sehun, it’s the fact that she wants to see them now and now she’s ready.” Jongin states in a matter-of-fact tone. He ordered his drink twenty minutes ago and it’s still halfway filled. Responsibility does that to a person.

 

    Sehun furrows his eyebrows as he nearly spats. “I’m not going to let her see the children she ing walked out on, Jongin. She doesn’t deserve it.”

 

    “She DESERVES a second chance, just like everybody else in this world.” Jongin retorts, throwing an arm up in the air. He finally chugs his entire glass. 

 

    Sehun mimics the action, still cringing at the taste of vodka after years of drinking the same drink. He spins the empty glass absently. “She could leave at any moment, Jongin. She could get scared and-and back out again.”

 

    “So what if she does? You’ll still be a father and you’ll be a father who gave his children the chance they deserve.” Jongin says as he eyes the bartender for a refill. “She’s scared, Sehun. I know you are too.”

 

    Sehun stares at the coaster he set his tall glass on. “I want to love her and I want to forgive her,” He shakes his head as he shuts his eyes. “Why is it so hard?”

 

    Jongin observes his glass being refilled as he says, “You’re making it a lot harder for yourself. Besides,” He grabs his drink and stares at Sehun’s graying roots, which were caused by stress. “This isn’t even about you anymore, Sehun. This is about your children who didn’t have a mother but now have a chance at one. One that came back for them.”

 

    “Despite her mistake, that’s one hell of a mother, Sehun.”

 

 

 

    Sehun stays at home for his day off. Haowen voluntarily watches TV on low volume, in the living room while Ziyu takes a nap in their bedroom. Sehun is taking care of the laundry, shoving things in the dryer and folding the kids’ clothes neatly in their drawers. 

 

    When he’s done, he approaches Haowen. “Hey buddy, are you hungry yet?”

 

    The young boy looks up with eyes that looked too similar to Sehun’s. “A little bit.”

 

    Sehun ponders. “Daddy can make you hot dog mac and cheese. How does that sound?” Haowen brightens with a smile that looks like Sehun’s and he jumps up from the couch. Running to kitchen counter, he nearly stumbles off of the stool as he hops on it. “I wanna watch you make it, Daddy!”

 

    “Alright kiddo,” Sehun laughs as he starts to take out the ingredients. Haowen watches with big eyes and his chin in his folded arms. Sehun begins to boil a pot of water to cook the macaroni. He thinks of cutting the meat next as he takes out a cutting board and knife.

 

    “Oh Daddy! I just remembered a question I’ve been wanting to ask you!!” The 6-year-old boy exclaims, a finger on his lips. Sehun hums, waiting for his son. He lines up four hotdogs in a line. He starts chopping.

 

    “Who is Luhan?”

 

    Sehun nearly chops his finger off as the knife slips and it grazes his finger. However, Haowen doesn’t seem to notice. He’s staring at his Daddy and waiting for a response. Sehun gets a band aid anyways from the medicine cabinet and wraps his index finger. 

 

    “Where’d you hear that name, Haowen?” The father questions, carefully cutting the uncooked meat this time. He listens to his son hum as the young boy tries to remember. 

 

    Haowen starts to snack on some fruit in the fruit bowl. “Oh! When I was at Grandma’s house! Grandma said she missed Luhan and that Luhan misses Daddy! Is she your girlfriend, Daddy?!” Haowen giggles, his eye smile creating wrinkles and his smile so triangular. 

 

    Sehun finds it difficult to answer and now he’s just mindlessly cutting. Luhan misses him? Six years of missing him but she never bothered to call or write. Six years of missing her children. It just didn’t make sense. Why now? 

 

    “Daddy, the water’s making bubbles!” Haowen says in awe. Sehun pushes the burdening thought away and pours the macaroni out of the box into the pot so he could make food for his son.

 

 

 

 

    Sehun knocks on a green door with the number 203 on it. He can’t believe he’s doing this. It’s not too long before the door opens wide to reveal Luhan. She’s dressed like she’s ready to go out, in dress pants, collared shirt underneath a sweater. Her dark, rich hair is in a messy bun. He still wants to run his fingers through her hair.

 

    “Sehun!” Luhan exclaims. Her expression says it all. She slowly closes the distance between the door and the wall. “W-What’re you doing here?”

 

    “I’m sorry I didn’t give you a response the other day. It’s been a couple of days and I’ve just been thinking,” Sehun runs his hands through his graying hair. “I-It’s not fair of me to take away the chance of you seeing our children. It really isn’t fair and y-you deserve a second chance and I honestly did not think so at first but my friend told me… That’s a whole other story but—“

 

    “Sehun,” Luhan interrupts softly, shifting from one foot to another. “What’re you trying to say?” Her eyes are glossy and he’s starting to realize that that’s just how she’s always looked; unsure. 

 

    The father drawls a deep sigh. He’s trying to say so many things that might come out as word vomit if he tries to say them all in one night. He knows Luhan’s busy and he knows he’s being a clumsy idiot right now but the speech he’s prepared is about to explode in the tiny box he’s kept it inside in of his head. 

 

    “What I am trying to say is, um—” Sehun’s voice quavers. I love you. “Y-You can see Haowen and Ziyu.”

 

    I love you. All I think about is you. I’ve been waiting six years for you. Six years seemed like decades to me and I want you—

 

    Luhan’s shaking, palm held against her trembling mouth. Her eyes are no longer glossy—they’re watery. They’re watery and they look sad. But she’s laughing. “Really?”

 

    You can’t walk away again. 

 

    Sehun nods, eyes shifting elsewhere. His fingernails dig into the lint of his coat pocket. He can’t look at her. He’s afraid. 

 

    “Can I… see them now?” Her voice cracks and shakes. Sehun looks up again. She’s got a smile playing among her plush lips. She’s blinking away blurred vision. Sehun feels like a burden, he knows he showed up on such short notice and he knows he was probably—

 

    “Please, Sehun,” The man is taken aback when Luhan closed the door behind her, locking it shortly after only to grab his hands. “Don’t overthink this. I just want to see my children.”

 

    “But—“

 

    “I need you to be there with me.” Luhan squeezes his hand like she used to and Sehun flinches, a muscle in his forearm twitching. He fights the urge to pull his arm away.

 

    You’re just going to disappear again. 

 

    He’s afraid for his children. For himself.

 

    He’s afraid of her. 

 

 

 

    Sehun opens the garage door and slowly drives his car inside to park. Luhan’s in the passenger seat, curiously observing the environment outside. She’s scratching at her fingers so anxiously, it looks like she’s twitching. Sehun undoes his seatbelt. He sits there for a moment and takes deep breaths, trying to comprehend the situation he has in his hands. 

 

    When his breathing regulates, he opens the car door, clearing his throat for Luhan to follow. Sehun leads the woman inside the house through the garage entrance and he follows. He switches the light on. He hears Luhan’s breath hitch. He turns to see her admiring the abode, awed at the Chinese paintings hung up on the walls. Shun adjusts the lighting to be dimmer.

 

     He watches her stop at a picture of Haowen and Ziyu. They had been doing professional photoshoots Sehun had paid for because he always thought they were cute. Haowen was in a tuxedo and Ziyu was wearing the same, both with red and white flowers in each pocket. Haowen was smiling so hard while Ziyu looked completely confused. 

 

    Sehun watches the woman hesitantly run her fingers over Ziyu’s face. Her finger grazes the glass gently.

 

    “Daddy?!!” The man hears excited cries of a young boy echoing throughout the stairwell. He hears rushed footsteps traveling towards him. He watches Luhan for enough time to see that she turns around as he greets the tottering and antsy Haowen with a bear hug. 

 

    His older brother, Seunghyun, follows Haowen with Ziyu in his arms, rushed and almost tripping. Sehun greets his brother and accepts a pat on his shoulder. As he’s thanking Seunghyun, the older man notices Luhan. His eyes nearly shoot out of his head.

 

    “Luhan.” He chokes. 

 

    Sehun doesn’t have to ask to know the woman is uncomfortable. He quietly asks his brother to leave and tells him I will explain later. The brother leaves through the front door, asking questions to himself. 

 

    “Sorry about that.”

 

    “No it’s fine. I’ve missed him.”

 

    Sehun offers a tight smile. He feels Haowen hiding behind his legs, his tiny hands pinching his dress pants. 

 

    “Who’s that, Daddy?” Haowen whispers not-so-quietly as he pulls on his Daddy’s pants, which makes Luhan giggle into her hand. The father kneels down to Haowen’s height. Haowen stares at Ziyu distractedly, petting his brother’s almost non-existent hair.

 

    “Haowen, Ziyu, this is Luhan.” Sehun says, glancing at the woman, whose eyes are watering but she’s grinning the biggest grin Sehun’s seen in years. Haowen gasps, mouth gaped. “The Luhan that missed you, Daddy?”

 

    Luhan gives Haowen a confused look. She walks closer to the group, copying Sehun’s position. Her eyes wrinkle as she smiles at them, grazing her hand on the children's’ cheeks.

 

    “Luhan is Daddy’s… old friend.” Haowen looks at her, almost unaware of the woman’s soft touch against his cheek. She stares at Sehun and she understands when he doesn’t say more.

 

    The boys need time. 

 

    Her touch is gentle and shaky. When Ziyu blubbers mindlessly, Luhan taps his nose then runs her finger across his face. Sehun begins to hand the woman the baby but she gives him a look. The man doesn’t need to press her furthermore as Ziyu’s arms open to Luhan. 

 

    “No no it’s okay, I don’t n-need to hold him I was just—“

 

    Luhan’s afraid. Sehun is too. “Luhan. Just take Ziyu, it’s okay.”

 

    The woman’s eyes shift from Sehun to her baby. Slowly, her arms and hands envelop around Ziyu, bony fingers supporting his neck. She holds him against her body, whispering barely-there words. Streams of tears are running down her face and her mascara is smudging underneath her glossy eyes. Pressing a kiss to his ear, Luhan closes her eyes and lets it smear. 

 

    Like Luhan, Sehun hesitates to reach out and touch what he loves. He’s afraid it’ll disappear right under him. He wants to be careful. He shakes and he sweats and he tastes pennies.

 

    But he reaches out and grabs her hand and holds as tight as he can because he can’t let go this time. His grasp isn’t gentle like Luhan’s. But she doesn’t pull back. 

 

    This time, the silence doesn’t make his ears ring. 

 

---

A/N- selubrication here!!! sorry this took forever! it wasn't on my own computer bc it loves to spazz smfh but this was an old story i started writing but never finished :/// hunhan has been effing me up so bad and ive been wanting to read so many old fics but so many of them got removed like ???? rude??!!??!!! like a lot of the ones ;; just got into it and now its all gone OTL

well thank you so much for reading guys! please comment! thanks!!!!!! :)))))))

selubrication