[~717w, this is a drabble made from an SnK au I am currently working on so it might not make much sense now lol warning: character death, implied more character death – wait that’s a spoiler isn’t it? Oh well.]

You probably hear it, right? The piling up loneliness that turns into warmth. You will hear it; now I am screaming out just for you.

“I will protect you.”

Yoongi has only realized how much it had been an empty promise then. Words that had bear little to no meaning at all; it now seems. Yoongi wonders if he could ever forgive himself for coming up with such a lie.

He had been so far away from Jimin, separated by horses that bring the supplies they are escorting, he knew from the start he would not be riding with the squad at all, he would be all the way in the front next to Namjoon, responsible to assist the captain, leaving the rear to Hoseok, whose skills he had put a trust on. Even when they had encountered with the wandering trio of Titans, he had not been thinking of getting to Jimin, but had focused on getting rid of the one charging right towards them, instead.

He had watched one of them, the only Abnormal in the group, messed up their formations in the middle, where Jimin and Jungkook are stationed at – yet even then, he chooses to head forwards like he is supposed to.

“I will protect you.”

He wonders if Jimin had believed it then. He wonders if Jimin would forgive him, ever.

Jungkook is still fidgeting around him, but Hoseok has stopped giving him guilty looks. Yoongi has never blamed him for not being able to stop the Abnormal from smashing Jimin right into a tree, and Hoseok knows Yoongi enough to consider himself forgiven.

It is no one’s fault but Yoongi’s anyway; if only he had revised the formation more, if only he had not put too much expectation on a newbie’s skill, if only he had put a hold on his pride as a captain’s right-hand and went to help the younger members of group anyway – if only he had kept his promise.

An utterly empty promise – it’s only right that those ifs keep him awake now. It’s the least thing he could do to atone.

Yoongi turns to the side from which the voice has come. Namjoon looks sombre but not unkind, and Yoongi knows full well why. Jimin is the first member they have lost and despite the mission being a success, it is a hard blow for Namjoon as a leader. Yoongi feels bad that he could not offer any support as an older member, but he is sure Namjoon would be more than understanding.

“It’s time,” Namjoon says, ending with a heavy sigh and an equally heavy pat on Yoongi’s shoulder.

Yoongi nods as he gives a wide spread gaze upon the battalion in front of him. It has been a while since they have a major expedition, and almost everyone Yoongi knows is here. The elders, those with longer span of survival are sporting very serious look, many in discussions with each other, going through the plan over and over again; while the younger ones either bite their lips in worry or close their eyes in prayers.

They are going to reclaim Wall Maria – and Yoongi wishes he could at least put his head on it, if not his heart.

“I’m okay.”

Their gaze meet and Yoongi knows Namjoon knows that he is far from okay, that he has never been much asleep since their last expedition, that the rest Namjoon has given him has gone to waste, that Jimin’s death still lingers around him like foul miasma, that he misses, misses Jimin so much he feels like screaming out for him. 

“I’m okay,” he repeats, more to convincing himself than Namjoon, because that’s all that he can do. “Keep your head held high, Namjoon-ah. Survive this and show them what our captain is made of.”        

Namjoon gives him a small upturn of his lips. “Then keep yours held high, too, hyung. Because you have to survive this too; Jimin wouldn’t want otherwise.”

Jimin wouldn’t want to die as well, but he did anyway – Yoongi thinks as he follows Namjoon to claim his position in the arranged formation – and he wonders if Jimin would forgive him for the second time.

For Yoongi would like to keep his promise properly, this time. 

P.S. the full story will come up some time within the year, I hope lol