Jessica stared at the door, hesitant hands hanging on the air.  Standing there, waiting, didn’t felt right. She never had to wait outside before.

“Consider this our place. Everything in here is yours now, including me.” She could still remember the way she smiled at her back then, face bright with pride and love and affection only for her. Back then, Jessica was so sure she’d gladly give up everything just to see that smile everyday for the rest of her life. (But that’s probably only her silly-too-young-and-in-love self speaking. Because when things had gotten worst for both of them before, it was Jessica who had given up on her.)

For God knows how long, she kept standing there.

Stuck.

Always stuck.

There was turmoil on the back of her head; a voice saying that if she didn’t have to courage do this before, then she most definitely didn’t have the right to do this now.

The voice was right, Jessica knew that perfectly, but the wild and painful thumping of her heart that started once the news broke out that morning made her forget. It was too loud, enough that it clouded all reasons and she found herself taking the earliest flight back to Korea, back to the place she once called home.

It was the same thumping that pushed her to finally knock and the same heart that stopped beating all at once as soon as that honey brown hair and all too familiar face materialized when the door opened.

“Hi.” With Jessica openly gaping at the other girl, it was all the words her stupid brain could come up with.  Yuri was just on her normal clothes; tight black jeans and a white v-neck shirt, but it still made her looked a little too perfect, exactly like how she always appeared in Jessica’s eyes before. She was still too much for Jessica’s sanity’s sake.

“Jessica?”

The surprise and the hint of denial in Yuri’s voice made Jessica look down. It shamed her, the feeling that she had hurt Yuri too much that the latter have difficulty believing she actually came back.

 “Jessica, is that really you? Why are you- What are you doing here?”

Concerned eyes looked at her, warm and genuine, just like before, and Jessica felt all the things she wanted to say slip off her tongue.

“I just- I- Y- You said that I would always be welcome here. I just thought that maybe even if I-even if I’m not- If we’re not- ” She fiddled with her fingers before she nervously ran a hand through her hair. Her voice was shaking.  She wanted to sound coherent but failed. Now that Yuri’s actually in front of her, Jessica couldn’t even look at her, what more speak?

“I think I’ll just go. I’m sorry,” Biting her lips and shaking her head in shame, she turned around, wanting to get as far from there as fast as possible. What is she thinking, really? What is she trying to do risking hurting somebody as precious as Yuri again?

She can’t do this. She can’t do this. She can’t do-

She exhaled at the feeling of a hand that encircled her wrist and tugged, “Yes, and I mean that. This is our place, remember?”

This.

With just a hand at the small of her back, she let Yuri lead her back. Not until Yuri lent her a handkerchief, did she realize she was crying.

--

Everything about the apartment felt familiar yet being there again after she walked out of Yuri’s life still made her feel like she didn’t belong.

She sat awkwardly at the couch, eyes roaming her surroundings. Aside from the few changes in the arrangement of some of the furniture, the place almost looked like how it used to. It made Jessica felt nostalgic somehow, but it’s only matter of time when she noticed a few changes that couldn’t be unseen.

Like how Yuri’s shoes that used to litter the doorway were now arranged properly in the shoe rack (She used to always nag Yuri about it before just to see the woman’s cute guilty face and enjoy the way Yuri would coax her with apologetic kisses), how there were faded spots on the walls where their pictures used to be (It was Jessica who put them there, makes her miss Yuri less whenever she’s home alone) and how a pink rag now replaced the stone plate where they had molded their feet before (Jessica sulked so hard back then. She had to sacrifice her freshly done toe nails because Yuri kept on insisting and she couldn’t say no to someone so adorable.) Now, staring at Yuri’s back as the girl went to the kitchen to get her something to drink, Jessica wondered how much more had changed. The possibilities scared her.

She was too absorbed by her own thoughts that she failed to notice Yuri was already sitting opposite her.

 “So…”She found herself staring dumbly at Yuri who had just set their drinks on the coffee table and was looking at her with a tired smile. “How have you been, Jessica?”

How had she been? Jessica didn’t really know. As far she she’s concern, everything was going just fine until the news broke this morning and rattled Jessica’s world.  

She reached for her drink to take a sip, wanting to avoid both Yuri’s questioning look and having to answer. She’s not fine. It’s obvious, but there’s no way she’d admit that with her own mouth.

She internally cursed when her cup wouldn’t stop shaking. So much for acting fine.

If Yuri noticed it, she didn’t say a thing. She waited patiently for Jessica to speak. That was just like her; to always put Jessica’s comfort first. Jessica wished she’d screamed at her instead. It was what Jessica deserved after putting Yuri through all the pain of chasing and waiting for someone who wouldn’t even admit that she loves her.

It was when Yuri stood up after a long sigh that Jessica spoke, “Is it true?”

“Is what true?”

 She looked up, risking seeing those deep brown eyes.  Every time she sees them, she would be reminded of the hurt and emptiness she saw when she told Yuri she didn’t really loved her. It reminded her of her cowardice and insecurities. The fear of uncertainties and the need to succeed in the thing she had always dreamed to do.  It reminded Jessica of who she was before and how undeserving that she was to be loved by someone like Yuri.

“Are you really… dating him?” Even Jessica didn’t expect the desperation in her own voice; it was like she was expecting Yuri to deny. “For five months now? Since December, is that right?”Jessica anticipated. Waited for her to say no so she could believe her right away and erase all of this out of her memory.

But when Yuri smiled sadly and nodded, Jessica wished she had lied to her instead.

“Wow,” Suddenly everything hurt and Jessica couldn’t even have the strength to pull herself up and get the hell out of there. “That was- I didn’t expect that. Congratulations. ” She managed though gritted teeth, trying so hard to smile.

“Jessica,”

“No, really. I- I’m very happy for you. He’s a lucky guy.” She said, smiling,trying to hold back tears but a tear still fell.  

“Sica-yah, please,” The pity in her voice pierced something in Jessica. She stood up abruptly as soon as she could feel her feet again; swallowing back more tears that had threatened to fall again. The worst thing Yuri could do now was try to comfort her.  

 “I think I’ll just go now. Don’t worry. I just wanted to make sure that – Whatever, I’ll just go. Thank you for having me. I-” She turned her back and soon as her breath hitched, ignoring Yuri’s calling her. She quickly gathered her things and scampered to the door, “I’m so sorry for this. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m-”

She was so sorry for herself she forgot somebody else was hurting as well.

“How do you stop missing someone?”

Jessica just had the door open when she heard it. It was almost a whisper but it sounded so broken that it made Jessica look back only to see Yuri stand up, eyes hurt and sad. It’s exactly like how they looked months back, when Yuri was begging her to please, please, promise her she’d wait for her.

“I always want to ask that to you. Because whenever I see you, it seems like you don’t even think about me anymore. While I still cling on our memories, on us, looking at how easily you could leave me again now, it seems like those don’t even matter to you anymore.” Yuri smiled painfully; both mocking and hurt despite the tears that started to flow from her eyes. “So how do I do it? How do I forget you?

Jessica mouth hangs open; she wanted to say something but she couldn’t find the words. And that only made Yuri cry more.

“I just really, really, really want stop thinking about you. I want to stop seeing us at everyone else who’s in love. I want to stop seeing you in everything that’s beautiful. I want to stop feeling guilty when I’m with someone else because it’s not supposed to feel like I’m still yours anymore.  So can you please do me a favor?” Yuri’s pleaded, “Before you leave me again, teach me how to move on.”

The plea hung in air, real and untouched. They stayed in silence until everything settled in. Jessica remained where she stood while Yuri slumped on back on the couch, face buried on her hands. She couldn’t stand to see Jessica walk away again. At the sound of the door shutting close, Jessica watched Yuri broke down; shoulder’s shaking as sobbed violently, not bothering to hold everything in anymore.

Jessica quietly walked back to her and stopped only once Yuri realized Jessica’s in front of her.

Yuri looked up from her hands and stared at Jessica as the latter kneeled in front of her, took both of hands to her lips and kissed them. “You’re… still here?” She muttered through her sobs that it sounded almost childish.

“Stupid.” Jessica said and she couldn’t help but smile when the latter pouted. It was so cute that Jessica couldn’t help herself and leaned in to kiss that pout away. She smiled against her lips because despite Yuri’s obvious surprise, somehow, she still managed to kiss her back like it’s a reflex. She cupped Yuri’s face as she pressed their forehead together, their noses touching. “You asked the wrong the person for that.” Staring at Yuri’s eyes with all the love she still held for her (it never really faded no matter how much she triedto  hide and forget it,) Jessica kissed her again before she spoke, “I was never okay without you to begin with.” 

A/N: I'll probably upload another version of this with a different title. Just saying.