Title: False Vows

Author: gaksitalGaksital

THE VERDICT

Title (9/15)
I. Originality
    It's not as original as one would think it is. Both words had been used one time too many. It's like another term for the words "broken vow", "fake promises", "promises are meant to be broken", etc. Nothing unique. Sorry.

II. Appeal    
     It does not give off any mysterious vibe that would let the readers actually read.

III. Relation
    Relation-wise, it's pretty obvious, and that's not good. You have to let your readers think why you named it as such. The title you have right now is like a mini spoiler to the whole plot.
    
 

Description (12/15)
I. Appeal
    It's not that appealing for me. It looks like a normal arranged marriage kind of fic. You know it's not that simple, but you have to show that in the description. Your description is a pretty common thing to see in marriage fanfics. 

II. Relation
    Very much related, obviously. 

III. Revelation
    The description you provided gives everything away. Even the questions about acceptance and it being life-changing. The answers to those questions are pretty obvious as well.     

IV. Grammar
    It's okay. Although, I think it would be better if your made the "f" in "fulfilling" small. 

First line(5/10)
    The first line was too long and awkward. It's a very basic realization as well. It does not hook the readers. It does not provide anything for the readers to go on reading. First lines should be special because it's matter of continuing or closing the tab down.

Appearance (8/10)
I. Layout, font, size, etc.   
    Before you allowed the text selection, the font size was too big. That actually makes reading hard.   After you allowed it, however, the font magically became reading-size. Did you change it? If you did, very good. I'm not really a fan of layouts in the chapters but the layout you used matched the theme of the story perfectly. I love it!

Plot (40/50)
I. Tempo
    During the first few pages, everything was going fine, if not a tad bit slow. But I guess that established the atmosphere of the whole story. There were more thoughts than action, which fits, but, again, makes the story progress slower. After Jongin met Yoomi, however, things suddenly became faster, in my opinion. I mean, the main point of the story should have been about what Jongin does and feels after he accepted the "request". But you skipped some days that would have been important, like the day Jongin told the members and how they reacted or the few days before the marriage. 
 
II. Consistency
    By plot consistency, I mean the plot holes and other errors. Just a couple of concerns, though. The hospital Yoomi is admitted to let her go out for a date. The doctors know that she's dying and that exposing her outside might shorten the eight months. Also, the doctors should've known that she's not mentally healthy, as well. Even the parents should have been against the whole idea, even if it is their daughter's last wish. 

III. Originality
    I say it's okay. I've never encountered a fic like this before; that tackles the emotional part of forced marriages and being an idol at the same time. If ever, I've read quite a few. Although, there are a lot of fics that uses sickness to get something they want, even at the expense of others. Nothing will ever make that right, though.

IV. Realism
    It's part realistic, in a way that Jongin got depressed over the supposed fixed marriage. It's part unrealistic, in a way that the idols' managers will not let the idols approach a stranger and believe all the words they said. Idols are (in theory) used to fans lying to get to them. Also, I have a problem with the depth of Yoomi's reason to marry Jongin and Jongin's acceptance of the proposal due to guilt and fear. There should be something more than that.

Characterization (General) (26.5/30)
I. Diversity
    For the main characters, the differences between them were obvious. That's good. But for the background characters, there are hardly anything to distinguish them apart. Chanyeol and Sehun could have been anyone else. The manager could have been Baekhyun for who knows why. They may seem unimportant but they are still characters; a person in their own right. You could, for example, give Chanyeol some habit while talking. His eye twitches, if you haven't noticed. That would have set him apart from Sehun. You could have mentioned their other managers an not just one.

Characterization (Jongin) (22/30)
I. Development
    Jongin's development as a character happened so fast. I was really glad he did not proceed with the marriage and I also expected the depression that came afterwards. (I mean, who wouldn't be depressed?). But you did not fully explain the road to recovery. You just brushed over it and, by some miracle, he decides he's not a victim anymore. It's a bit fast and overwhelming.

II. Purpose
    Jongin's purpose in the story is, of course, to be the main character. That much is obvious. But, I also like how he serves as a reminder that idols are humans too. 
      
III. Realism
    The whole personality of Jongin here is, in my opinion, unbelievable. He did a lot of decisions that, under real circumstances, no one would've done. First, he already played special when he entertained the parents while the guards and their managers are forcing them away. They, the idols, are being punished for disobedience, you know, according to the sasaengs. Then all hell breaks lose, after that. The whole ordeal would've been prevented if Jongin acted rationally. 

IV. Mary-sueness 
    You've established that Jongin is not a perfect flawless character. That is good.

V. Consistency
    Jongin thinks too much about demons, skeletons, darkness, sadness, etc for someone who is supposedly full of happpiness, rainbows, and lollipops. It's a contradiction that makes it confusing. BUT. If this is more psychological, you can manipulate this whole idea as Jongin not knowing himself fully. Jongin thinks he is full of sunshine and strawberries but he's actually not.    

VI. Memorability
    Your Jongin here, I think, is not as memorable as I wanted him to be. You didn't dwell too much on the other aspects of "Jongin". The whole story was run by his fear; his thoughts basically. But if anything, I would probably remember your Jongin as someone who looks at darkness instead of light.

Characterization Yoomi (25/30)
I. Development
    She didn't develop, which is expected. I'm glad you didn't actually change her at the end, although I was hoping you would. I was hoping she would realize her mistake, ask for forgiveness, and die in peace. 

II. Purpose  
    The embodiment of the craziest of fans. Her overall purpose, for me, was to let Jongin realize that he is, behind all the spotlight, a human. This is very good, although letting her purpose known is annoying. She's annoying, and I congratulate you for making her that way.
      
III. Realism
    I don't think any fans would go this far. I want to have faith in them that they are not this manipulative and disillusioned. But, you know what, I can see this happening. Maybe not to EXO, but to Justine Beiber or 1D.

IV. Mary-sueness
    I think she's perfect in a way where you dwelled too much on her bad-side. Jongin never saw anything good in her, apart from her beauty before it was stolen by cancer. She was only fear and lies.  

V. Consistency    
    I don't remember you mentioning what kind of cancer she actually had, because it might actually change some things. Also, not all cancer patients look as demonic and sickly.

VI. Memorability      
    Oh, I'll remember her, all right. Who wouldn't?

Bonus: Characterization (Joonmyun) +3
    Joonmyun deserves some mention because he's my favorite character in the whole story. He is the only one who's actually rational. Not even Soobin could match what he did. I think this is what a leader is supposed to be. It is his moral obligation to correct whatever Jongin's about to do and prevent further damage even though Kyungsoo told him that Jongin is old enough to know better (which, by the way, is not wise at all).

Writing Style (23/30)
I. Voice
    I got confused. I don't know who was talking in the prologue and in the epilogue. Are they different persons? Is it Joonmyun? I think it's Joonmyun but I'm not so sure. Anyway, I'm not a fan of changing POVs because I personally think it's an easy work-around through things. You've pulled it off quite well, I supposed, because it doesn't bother the plot that much. It gives off some key plot points, though.

II. Descriptions  
    Most of your descriptions consist of the words darkness, sadness, and anything of the sort. It's become repetitive and a bit boring. You also only extensively describe feelings and visual things. It might not be that bad but it's not recommended. It seems like your telling not showing, and that breaks the first commandment of creative writing. Instead of describing what Jongin feels directly, you might want to concentrate on his actions; the way his behavior differs and changes through out the whole fic. That could still be psychological, if pulled off properly.

III. Sentence Structure
    I've noticed that you do your sentences this way: (descriptive clause, actual sentence; or actual sentence, descriptive clause). It's not a crime, really, but you do it quite a lot it's become obvious.
    Your sentences are too long, however. You've made use of the descriptive clauses too much and attach them together with commas. This is an eyesore to the readers, you see. When we read, we also talk albeit in our minds and our minds need to breathe too. Readers tend to skip long sentences, long paragraphs. You want your readers to hold every word you say. 

IV. Flow  
    The flow is okay. The paragraphs' transitions are done very well. I have no comment, generally.

V. Consistency
    As I pointed out, the voice is not consistent. Also, you established that the body of the fic is centralized on Jongin's eyes; point of view, feelings, actions, etc. Sometimes, you change to limited third person to omniscient and it's quite confusing.
    
 

Writing Mechanics (25/30)
I. Grammar, punctuation, spelling
    Grammar-wise, all is well. I have no problems with subject-verb agreement. That's the problem, usually, even with fluent English speakers. But don't worry about that. Punctuation-wise, I have problems with your commas. I feel like you were taught this way and I was taught another. I respect what you've been taught but, in case, you can check the Google docs. You have a few typos, but all is well, too.

II. Word Choice
    Now, I have problems with your word choice. I see that you use too much thesaurus. You see, using too much "deep" words doesn't make your work half as deep. It actually makes your work all the more frustrating. It's not good to make your readers look at the dictionary every paragraph. The words surrounding it are pretty ordinary, daily words authors used. And then there's a "deep" word. Imagine a golden castle in the middle of the slums. It's eye-catching but misplaced. You have to understand that there are some words better used in nonfictions than in creative writing.

Enjoyment (6/10)
    I enjoyed it, to an extent. I love it psychological, emotional, and sad. It's not sad enough for me. The "feel" I felt over Jongin's grief didn't last long enough. The constant use of "deep" words kind of ruined the mood at some point. 
   
 

General Advice
     I feel like you're trying too hard. Stop. It's a common mistake, actually. You just have to let the words flow like a river. I also feel like you use the thesaurus too much. Stop. It's not good and it won't prove your worth as a wordsmith. 

Total Points:154.5./200

Score: 77%