It is not like Donghae’s life is unhappy or sad or anything. His friends love him, his family loves him, his fans love him and he does love back. All of them.  He just doesn’t love anyone the way he wishes he did and there is no one loving him the way he wishes someone did.

It doesn’t have to be the love of his life. He just wants to feel loved, he wants this feeling to be mutual. Almost all of his friends are in a relationship, why can’t he?

He sometimes gets desperate and drunk, but the rest of the band forgives him. He’s young, he wants to use his freedom, because it may end so soon, he may get old so soon. Old and lonely, he thinks bitterly, with no one to see him wither. It may seem stupid, but he always envies all the old couples. And he envies also Sungmin and his wife, he envies also Heechul’s sister, he envies everyone.

It is the hardest to fall asleep. Donghae has always enjoyed sleeping with other people, he used to sleep with Hyukjae, Siwon maybe, but they don’t want to do it now. They say they’re too old or something like that, leaving Donghae all by himself, hugging tightly some teddy, struggling with his loneliness.

 All because falling asleep among cold sheets makes him feel things he imagines every night, someone laying next to him, some warm arms pulling him in a tight embrace, but those things fade quickly and he’s left brutally announced about a fact he knows so well.

He doesn’t want to fall deeply. He knows that love may seem beautiful but it can also devastate; he knows what has happened to Heechul, what has happened to the strongest person he has ever seen; how his eyes were glowing at first, smile wide, cheeks blushed, but he also knows what happened next, how the strongest person he has ever seen turned to be a chaos, how his cheeks got wet from tears, smile turned into a grimace, how eyes matted.

Sometimes, Donghae thinks they still haven’t gotten that bright they were. Despite all those years, he sometimes thinks that this one-sided love gets even deeper. He sometimes thinks that even though such a violent rejection, Heechul loves Hangeng even more, and that is probably the reason he doesn’t want to fall in love.

It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? He wants to love, but not to fall in love. He wants to love, but he hasn’t got anybody to love. He wants to be missed, he sometimes, despite Heechul, wants to miss, he wants to get all whiny-missing calls while promoting in China and he wants to make such calls, he wants to not be able to wait until the flight back to the Korea ends, he wants to want to see someone so badly, but he doesn’t want that love to be desperate, while he is being desperate.

Now he’s laying on his bed, all the members sleeping, but he is not, he is all pathetic, missing someone he doesn’t know. Missing his arms to embrace him, his arms to love.