How do I put them in words? It's suffocating me. 

The burden, the anxiety that keeps choking my entire being every time. It's pressing on my neck. I need to breathe but it's difficult because I can't find the air. Do they understand if I tell them? But everyone has their own problems to worry about. What should I do? I bit on my lips hard as the water droplets drowned my worries. Hot showers no longer work, I assume. I switch them off. They can't clear my thoughts. I want to run. Run where I could find the restart button and forget my identity. Everything. Build a new one. I need to escape. But I'm their wall for their house. If I fall, what will happen to them? I look to my left and right, they're right there-sleeping peacefully. My chest clench, it hurts to abandon them. I stayed. Yet for another day. For them. 

The music is loud in my ear, playing on max volume of the latest Trap music I've downloaded. The music is extremely loud, it soothes a little. No voices, just loud noises booming in my ear. Voices kills me more. I could hear them talking to my soul, begging to be heard. But I have to shut them down. They have to be kept silent. Nobody has to hear. It's okay to bleed. It's alright to bottle them up. They're inside, as long as I keep them well hidden, things can go smoothly. They are threatening me to bawl in agony. But I'm not going to do that. 

Just keep me busy. Busy is my bestfriend. It keeps my worries away. I can't sleep them off nowadays too. I'm scared to sleep because when I wake up, I'll be in nervousness again. I loathe living in this cycle of constant fear. Fear that I can't keep going. For them. I'd rather stay awake and prepare myself before the sun rise. Get my head clear and continue work. 

"Hyung? What are you doing?" Ken's sudden voice shocked me as my hands placed the can of beer back in the cupboard. 

"Go to sleep, Ken." I roughly said, walking away into the balcony. 

Ken rubbed his eyes tiredly. I know he's worried about me. They all are. But I'm okay. I really am. They think that I can't manage it but I can. I've been doing it for years.

"Hyung, it's 3 am.. Is there something bothering you?" Ken walked forward to touch me lightly on my shoulder. I wish he could have left me alone. He doesn't know me yet. The monster inside of me that I'm trying to hide. The cold, heartless and selfish person lives inside of my facade. My hands accidently shoved him violently on the chest. I saw him fall backwards, hard. The look on his eyes tugged on my heart yet it satisfies me to see hatred in them too. Yes, despise me. I am not a good person, Ken. You need to know this. You all need to know this. 

"I can handle this. You understand me? Go to your room." I scoffed, before eyeing him on the ground menacingly. His forehead creases. He's upset. Despite so, a smirk curves my lips as he got up. He glare at me one last time before spitting,"I'm just trying to help. You don't have to push me." And he disappear into the room.

This is what I want. People whom I care and love, to hate me. I wanted them to ignore me, not rely on me, forget me. So that I can be gone. Gone like the dust blown into the big ocean. Not a single trace left. Like I never existed in their life. I wanted it real bad because they depend on me too much. It makes me want to throw up each time. 

I sat at the kitchen counter, took out the can of beer in the secret hide out. Before I gulp them down, my alarm has to be set. If I'm late, all them will be late as well. I unlocked my phone which then reminded me of the money mum needs. I raked my hair, thinking of the possible reason to ask my manager for an early salary. This is not the first time mum have asked me and I couldn't blame her because dad is always in debt. Guess I've to sign up more schedule to earn more for them. It's ok I can do that. Then my attention went back to the phone. There was a note about Ravi's misbehave on a show. He had argued with another rapper. Which means tomorrow I have to apologize to the company and manager over someone else's fault. Stupid. Then, they also leave the apartment bills on the refrigerator. For what? Obviously for me to see. I took it, glance straight to the total bill and there it is. We exceeded the usual cost. 

I drank the beer. 

I counted the extra cost that they expect me to fork out. Since I'm the eldest and also the leader. I have told them many times that they should control their electricity bills but none abide. I just can't be bothered anymore to lecture them. I have to work harder for us. 

I drank my second can. 

Soon, my alarm buzz. I had slept on the kitchen counter for 2 hours. Accurate, I nodded to myself drousily. My head aches a little, but my tolerance is high so most probably it'll clears by the time we start schedule later. I dragged my feet to cook a light breakfast for the 5 grown up guys. Then, halfway cracking the third egg, something stopped me. I was pissed. My blood was hot and boiling in my veins. Maybe if I were to look at the mirror, my face will be in red paint. Why am I doing all this?! Why should I care for them?! They're big adults! I could feel my knuckles strain from gripping the pan's handle tightly. Smoke rises from the burnt eggs. I watch it rose slow and steady. Dark smokes which smell horrible.. Sounds familiar. An empty laugh escape my lips. Of course it sounds familiar, it's depicting my soul. Dark and reek of rotten. I thought before I off the fire and sat on the floor. 

We're not close anymore. I avoid them whenever I could. I want them to get used to not having me around. I do not understand their inside jokes. Neither do I make effort to join in their conversation. I don't even know their individual schedule like I used to. My mouth automatically shut when I see them. They asked me why am I quiet but I can't bring myself to speak. We're growing apart. In fact, since they complain about my excessive show of affection, I no longer show any. My lips are sealed. Frightened that cruel words be tumbling out from my mouth when I open them. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't know what I will do at any moment. 

I'm lost.

I'm tired.

I'm scared.

I'm anxious. 

I need to run. 

RUN. 

Away, as far as possible. 

It's unsettling. 

I want to end this. 

I shall. 

I don't care what they will think of me anymore.

...

"HAKYEON HYUNG!" I heard my name being screamed at a far end distance. I think it's Hyuk. They're really far I wonder if I was hallucinating. Maybe I was. I gave a small laugh. I'm unstable anyway. I'm losing my mind. But the sky calmed me as I tilted my head up as much as I could. The horns around me were too loud. I wanted to yelled at them to shut the heck up. But I can't. My vision blurred, then I notice something covering my eyes. It's dripping. My hands tried to reach out to wipe it but why can't I feel them. I blinked slowly. My heartbeat were thumping clearly and I tried counting the tempo. Sounds faded, brain oozing in exhaustion as I saw them running towards me. Am I dreaming? Why are the members here? Don't they already forgetten about me? Why are they calling for me? Leave me alone. Please. 

I thought the beer was seriously going to kill me this time for my headache was like a bullet in my brain. Or was I imagining things? My head hurts but it was still not enough the pain my heart felt. Emotions seared me to pieces. The agonizing pain of it sliced me meticulously. I shut my eyes slightly, trying to healed the wound. The darkness engulf me, cozily. 

"No!" Ravi ran towards me as if I'm going anywhere. I mentally rolled my eyes. 

I saw Ken too. I wanted to pull him into my arms to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have push him away. I was wrong but my throat coudn't make out the right words. He's kneeling beside me, holding my arm in his lap. "I shouldn't have walk into my room.. I should have stayed.. This is my fault. I'm sorry hyung I'm sorry.."  

"Wake up, hyung! Wake up.. please, we love you.." Hongbin's voice whispered brokenly.

"So much.. We love you so much.." Leo caressed my cheeks, a tear rolled down his cheeks. I wish I could wipe them for him. 

I know. But I have to save myself. I'm selfish yes I am. Forgive me. 

...

"I've nothing much to say. But here is the money. I have place it all in here. For my mum, for your expenses and the bills. Sorry that I did not clean the house, clear the burnt egg, follow Ravi for the apology, make breakfast, pay attention to all of you, push Ken yesterday although he was just trying to help, support Leo's musical because I was rushing to Hyuk's school to give his sports shoe(He had forgotten about it) and I couldn't watch Hongbin's drama for I had to accompany my sister for her divorce trial. I'm sorry you have a useless leader who is selfish, weak and hopeless. I'm tired.. very very very tired and sick of myself." 

-Cha Hakyeon" 

Vixx leader, Cha Hakyeon or stage named, N, falls into coma after accident.