This is an OT5/ Gongchan-centric fic. Containing purely of angst, and mentions of character death. Nothing graphic, only drama-induced and annoyingly sad. The prompt was inspired because I lost my best friend last Tuesday. I cannot even understand why. I'm in the state of dealing with his death and yes, this fic was an attempt of an outlet. This fic was roughly written so I apologize for the errors.

“Hyung?” Chansik says and he looks at the lower bunk to see the bed empty. It feels weird, despite the months but he can’t help it—he doubts if anyone in the band would actually accept it, much less get used to it.

He slumps back and listens intently to the sobs of Shinwoo at the other double bed. He closes his eyes and promises himself to be strong, even if Jinyoung’s the one who always plays the role. He was their leader, after all.

It’s funny, actually. It’s funny because he never did in million wonders even tried to think that Jinyoung would just disappear and just vanish from their hold, from their grasp, from their lives. It’s seems like only yesterday when Chansik told Jinyoung that his pyjama bottoms have stains which upset him. Jinyoung offered to prepare him warm milk instead so he’ll fall asleep fast and forget how Sunwoo managed to destroy his favourite pair of pjs.

He shifts and tries to roll to his other side. Feeling the lump in his throat threatening to make a sound, Chansik opens his eyes and sits up. He can clearly hear the stifled sounds and cries Shinwoo has been creating for the last hour.

Chansik gets up and climbs down the bed bunk. He looks at the empty beds and figures that Sunwoo scrams at the other room to nuzzle with Junghwan whose taking the lost pretty much just like the rest of them—barely coping.

He can still clearly remember how Jinyoung would shake their bunk bed as the older jumps on it on wee hours of night, coming home from composing silly songs for the band. It always makes him annoyed because he’s a light sleeper but Jinyoung would place a cold hand on his forearm, massaging him back to sleep and he’s not at all irritated anymore.

“Hyung?” Chansik tries again and this time, he’s calling Shinwoo and not just some illusion of Jinyoung’s figure lying under his bed. He sees the faint outline of the figure move and he leans closer, kneeling down to see the older face him. The light from the outside is vague but he can clearly see the swollen eyes of the older from crying.

“Chansik,” Shinwoo mumbles. “Did I wake you?”

Chansik shakes his head but figures with Shinwoo’s poor eye sight, won’t see it anyway.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Chansik stirs and he dips half weight in Shinwoo’s bed. “You can’t sleep too?” He asks politely not wanting to embarrass the older. He knows that Shinwoo he’s been trying his best to stay strong when faced in public or when facing the three of them on meal times.

He sometimes think that Shinwoo’s been trying his very best but he knows him better. He’s taking the lost far more compared to the rest of them. Of course he knows, Shinwoo was there when Jinyoung finally closes his eyes to eternity of sleep. He did so in Shinwoo’s arms.

Shinwoo shifts closer against the wall, “Lie beside me, Channie,” Shinwoo mumbles after clearing his throat. Chansik dips closer and makes himself comfortable beside Shinwoo who paternally wraps and arm around his waist and sinks one arm under his shoulders. He pulls Chansik closer and Chansik listens as Shinwoo suddenly bursts into tears yet again.

“I’m sorry,” Shinwoo stifles in between cries and Chansik presses his cheek against the warm chest, heaving unevenly from crying. “It’s just, I just…I miss him,” Shinwoo says and Chansik nods. He listens to the sobs and for a moment he promises himself that he should be the one strong now because Shinwoo isn’t capable of watching over them yet. He can be strong too, just like how Jinyoung did for the rest of them.

And now, that he’s gone, he can be the substitute until forever.

—

Junghwan is up early one morning, the sun hasn’t shone yet and Chansik walks half-asleep from the bedroom to the bathroom when he notices that the singer is curled on the corner of the kitchen, looking through pictures in his hand.

He rubs the back of his neck and walks lazily towards the older when he sees the tears falling on the pictures.

“Hyung?” Chansik’s voice is raspy, almost whisper like yet hoarse and Junghwan looks up with tears inhumanely ruining his perfect face. “You’re up early…” Junghwan says and Chansik nods before letting out a yawn and sitting beside him.

“Are you all right?” Chansik asks and he knows that it was a stupid of him to ask but he just can’t help but ask. (Yet, he knows it’s stupid.) Junghwan shakes his head and shoves one picture of Jinyoung wearing a straw hat and drinking some milk tea.

“I remember this photo,” Chansik says. “It’s from our Hello Baby shoot.”

Junghwan smiles but the tears continue to flow nonstop and Chansik bites his lips seeing how Junghwan is coping ever too hardly too.

Jinyoung has been the least favourite dad sometimes when they were shooting Hello Baby but it just showed his loving side and he’s just thankful for having that opportunity given to them.

Junghwan continues to show pictures of Jinyoung from their shoots, interviews, concerts, fan meetings and candid photos taken at home, at the airport and whenever they would eat out. He’s a killer and spoiler for photos because whenever Junghwan asks for a wacky shot, he would simply straighten his face and smile boringly.

Chansik finds it annoying too and what’s even more annoying is that he actually misses it right now.

“I miss Jinyoung-hyung so much,” Junghwan says as the tears fall drastically this time and Chansik leans closer, pulling his hyung in a tight hug. He doesn’t still cry just like the last time, but he swallows hard and rubs an assuring hand up and down against Jugnhwan’s arms.

The kitchen has been his third favorite hangout place next to the studio and the bedroom. And Junghwan’s has always been beside him whenever Jinyoung prepares their food. He wold always be the one to cook their meals, insisting that the leader should take care for them. Junghwan simply tags along, because being in the kitchen next to Jinyoung, means getting spoiled with food.

“I’m sure we all do,” Chansik says Junghwan and Junghwan nods as he continue to weep and cry his heart out.

—

Sunwoo is sitting against the mirror of the studio room when Chansik arrives and he notices the older has been writing something on his pad. He saunters closer after he places his bag down.

“Hyung?” Chansik asks but Sunwoo is to engrossed that he doesn’t look up or even flinch for a reaction.

He sees Jinyoung in Sunwoo right then and there and it makes him smile yet feel sad at the same time.

Jinyoung has always been the one who does the composing, writing endlessly lyrics to their songs. It’s no big deal, really. Sunwoo has been part of writing his rap parts too, ever since. It’s just new that he sulks his broad shoulders too seriously just to write he line, trying to make everything fit so perfectly just like how Jinyoung does it.

Chansik settles beside Sunwoo, carefully not to break the concentration because he knows Sunwoo’s been doing everything he can just to divert his depression and how he really misses Jinyoung just like the rest of them.

Ten minutes had passed and Sunwoo rips the pad into two, earning a worried gaze from Chansik. Sunwoo throws the pen on the other side and lets out a groan. “, , . !” Sunwoo curses and Chansik blinks at every profanity.

He doesn’t let his cool out. Sunwoo has always been the band’s vitamin and Jinyoung laughs at how Sunwoo warms everyone up when in tension because of tiredness from their different schedules when at home. How Jinyoung would prepare him food overtime Sunwoo comes home late, or how Jinyoung would text Sunwoo on his filming to give him support.

Sunwoo misses it all. He missed how Jinyoung would cheer him up, would praise him for his improving acting skills and how he enjoys writing songs with him.

“This was easier when you were around, hyung,” Sunwoo sulks and Chansik scoots closer. “This was ing a lot easier when you were here.”

Sunwoo suddenly bursts into tears and Chansik swallows hard, yet again, for the third time after Jinyoung died and he convinces himself that he’ll be the hyung this time—he’ll take care of his hyungs this time, after Jinyoung’s death.

Chansik sits beside Sunwoo and takes advantage of the fact that he’s a little bit taller compared to the latter. He pulls Sunwoo in a tight embrace and Sunwoo lets himself sink into the warmth and cry uncontrollably.

“It was easier when he was around,” Chansik breathes and he tries himself to sound strong so Sunwoo can lean into him, just like how Junghwan and Shinwoo did.

—

“Channie?”

Chansik looks at him and he crunches his nose. “You…” Chansik breathes and he looks past the man and sees the white clouds surrounding them both.

“How are you?” Jinyoung asks and Chansik runs towards him, tackles Jinyoung in a hard hug. Jinyoung catches him and wrap his arms around the younger.

“You, hyung…you,” Chansik muffles and it’s the first time after months that he actually lets himself cry because Jinyoung’s death brought much despair to him too. Yet, he just wanted to stand strong for his hyungs, and make Jinyoung proud.

Jinyoung stays silent as he listen to the cries of Chansik and rubs a hand at his back until Chansik closes his eyes and falls asleep. He can’t quite clearly decipher the last thing Jinyoung had said but he’s definitely has something to do with ‘Take care always’.

Chansik wakes up and sees Shinwoo looking at him worriedly.

“You’re sweating madly,” Shinwoo says as he kneels down the floor and places a hand on his forehead. Chansik hadn’t realised that he’d fallen asleep on Jinyoung’s bed and he sits up too quickly making him wobble and his eyesight turn suddenly white.

Shinwoo is quick to hold him by the shoulder and place him back to bed. “Lie down, you’re sick Channie.”

“How did I get in here?” Chansik asks and Shinwoo knows he’s referring to him sleeping on Jinyoung’s bed.

“Sunwoo saw you sitting there, talking to the fox plushie. He ignored you and let you, thinking you’re just playing. When Junghwan checked on you, you’re already asleep. I just got back here and you’re shivering. Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?”

Chansik doesn’t even register that he’s actually coming down with a flu. He shrugs and lets Shinwoo place the brim of the glass in his lips. “Come on, drink. I’ve prepared soup.”

Chansik nods and takes in some water. Shinwoo helps him with food. After a few spoonfuls, he takes in some pills and Shinwoo fixes the blanket tuck underneath.

“Hyung?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve dreamed about Jinyoung-hyung,” Chansik says as Shinwoo pushes his hair back and fixes his, Jinyoung’s, pillow.

Shinwoo doesn’t answer and Chansik takes it as a sign to continue, “He’s happy and he’s worried for us. In my dream, he still is thin and he hugged me. He told me that we should take care because he’s worried.”

Shinwoo smiles and leans down to kiss Chansik’s forehead. “I know he does. And we are taking care of one another,” Shinwoo tells him.

“Go to sleep, Channie,” Shinwoo says. “He’ll get even more worried because I’m not taking care of you. You know you’re his baby.”

Chansik puts up a small grin and nods.

“I miss him, you know,” Chansik says as he closes his eyes. “I miss him so much. I hate him because all of you cry everyday because he’s gone. I hate him because he left me to take care of you. I hate him because I miss him so much it hurts.”

Shinwoo smiles brokenly and massages Chansik’s left cheek. “I know. I hate him too, for leaving but I love him. I still do. And I miss him, so badly.”

Chansik nods and lets sleep take him.

He’s doesn’t really hate jinyoung, and he knows Jinyoung knows that too. He’s just sad but happy because at least he saw Jinyoung for one last time. Even if it was only in his dreams.