How to kill your boyfriend twice
How to kill your boyfriend twice
everything typed in the middle is a letter
--
Dear umma and appa,
it's me, your son Kibum. Do you still remember me ?
I know I've changed and I know I haven't been myself for quite a long time now ...
I apologise.
Umma ... appa ...
You do know that I really love you, right ?
I appreciate everything you have done for me and everything you sacrificed for me to have a good life.
I can't be more thankful.
But,
I can't live like this anymore.
It isn't your fault, it's mine.
after all,
it's because of me Jonghyun is dead.
I killed Jonhyun, umma ... appa ...
I killed him.
it's me, your son Kibum. Do you still remember me ?
I know I've changed and I know I haven't been myself for quite a long time now ...
I apologise.
Umma ... appa ...
You do know that I really love you, right ?
I appreciate everything you have done for me and everything you sacrificed for me to have a good life.
I can't be more thankful.
But,
I can't live like this anymore.
It isn't your fault, it's mine.
after all,
it's because of me Jonghyun is dead.
I killed Jonhyun, umma ... appa ...
I killed him.
"Shhh ... everything is going to be okay, sweetie, please don't cry, ..."
"H-how c-can y-y-ou stay s-so ca-calm ?!" Kibum shouted at him, his loud hicupping muffled by the others shirt.
Jonghyun just pressed the younger boy a bit more against his chest, his chin resting atop of his boyfriend's head while rubbing his back. The younger could clearly hear and feel the rapid beating of Jonghyun's heart beat which indicated his boyfriend was far from being calm, but how could he stay so sane in this situation ?
"Kibum .... please, just ... it's going to be alright ..." He reassured him, eyes tightly shut, refusing the tears to slide down his cheeks.
He felt relieved knowing that Kibum couldn't see the pained expression on his face, because yes, Jonghyun was aware of the fact that nothing was ever going to be alright.
From the moment the doctor told them that Key was suffering from a heart disease and that he didn't have many years, months or even weeks left to live, everything came crushing down on them.
Time stopped for a moment.
How could such a horrible thing happen to them ? Why them ?
They both lived the perfect lives, they were so happy together and not even the biggest amount of money could make them trade the happines they both shared.
They loved each other so much. They only needed each other to survive.
But could Jonghyun also save him from something he couldn't heal himself ?
A heart disease doesn't miraculously go away without special treatments.
But what if the disease Kibum had was beyond all the healing of special treatments in the world ?
What if Kibum was destined to die in a couple of years, months or weeks ?
What could Jonghyun do ?
Nothing.
"Baby, just .... stay..." He whispered soothingly in the other's soft locks, "you're going nowhere,"
"H-how c-can y-y-ou stay s-so ca-calm ?!" Kibum shouted at him, his loud hicupping muffled by the others shirt.
Jonghyun just pressed the younger boy a bit more against his chest, his chin resting atop of his boyfriend's head while rubbing his back. The younger could clearly hear and feel the rapid beating of Jonghyun's heart beat which indicated his boyfriend was far from being calm, but how could he stay so sane in this situation ?
"Kibum .... please, just ... it's going to be alright ..." He reassured him, eyes tightly shut, refusing the tears to slide down his cheeks.
He felt relieved knowing that Kibum couldn't see the pained expression on his face, because yes, Jonghyun was aware of the fact that nothing was ever going to be alright.
From the moment the doctor told them that Key was suffering from a heart disease and that he didn't have many years, months or even weeks left to live, everything came crushing down on them.
Time stopped for a moment.
How could such a horrible thing happen to them ? Why them ?
They both lived the perfect lives, they were so happy together and not even the biggest amount of money could make them trade the happines they both shared.
They loved each other so much. They only needed each other to survive.
But could Jonghyun also save him from something he couldn't heal himself ?
A heart disease doesn't miraculously go away without special treatments.
But what if the disease Kibum had was beyond all the healing of special treatments in the world ?
What if Kibum was destined to die in a couple of years, months or weeks ?
What could Jonghyun do ?
Nothing.
"Baby, just .... stay..." He whispered soothingly in the other's soft locks, "you're going nowhere,"
I love him so much.
It wasn't my intention to kill him.
I swear.
It wasn't my intention to kill him.
I swear.
"Yaah Kibum ! Not so fast !" An exhausted Jonghyun shouted, panting as he chased the other boy down the street.
Kibum was happily skipping around now he still could. He knew that one of the days his heart would make him weak, so now that he could still run around like a little kid, he tried to enjoy it as much as he could.
When Jonghyun managed to catch up with the younger one, he quickly took his soft hand in his before he could run away again.
He chuckled lowly before speaking, "Don't be so hyped up, Kibummie,"
Kibum let out a sigh, looking at the clear, blue sky with a weak smile on his lips.
He decided not to respond his boyfriend though, because he saw from the corner of his eyes how Jonghyun's little smile faltered as soon as the words left his lips.
Kibum could see right through him, and he knew what he was thinking.
Kibum was happily skipping around now he still could. He knew that one of the days his heart would make him weak, so now that he could still run around like a little kid, he tried to enjoy it as much as he could.
When Jonghyun managed to catch up with the younger one, he quickly took his soft hand in his before he could run away again.
He chuckled lowly before speaking, "Don't be so hyped up, Kibummie,"
Kibum let out a sigh, looking at the clear, blue sky with a weak smile on his lips.
He decided not to respond his boyfriend though, because he saw from the corner of his eyes how Jonghyun's little smile faltered as soon as the words left his lips.
Kibum could see right through him, and he knew what he was thinking.
He did everything for me.
How could I kill him.
How was I ever able to kill the person I love the most.
I despise myself.
How could I kill him.
How was I ever able to kill the person I love the most.
I despise myself.
"Do you need something else, baby ?" Jonghyun asked his boyfriend who was curled up in a ball on the couch.
He cried himself to sleep and decided to be passive for the entire day.
His moodswings were tiring for Jonghyun but he beared with it, because he loved his Kibummie and he would do everything for him.
There was no chance in hell he was ever going to argue with Kibum again. He was going to spend the time he still had with his boyfriend usefully and he was willing to sacrifice everything for him till his last day.
He was willing to sacrifice everything for him.
Everything.
He cried himself to sleep and decided to be passive for the entire day.
His moodswings were tiring for Jonghyun but he beared with it, because he loved his Kibummie and he would do everything for him.
There was no chance in hell he was ever going to argue with Kibum again. He was going to spend the time he still had with his boyfriend usefully and he was willing to sacrifice everything for him till his last day.
He was willing to sacrifice everything for him.
Everything.
I don't know why he did it.
I don't know why I did it.
I don't know what's happening to me.
My head hurts of thinking too much.
and I want it to stop.
I want those little voices in my head to stop too.
I can't live like this anymore.
I don't know why I did it.
I don't know what's happening to me.
My head hurts of thinking too much.
and I want it to stop.
I want those little voices in my head to stop too.
I can't live like this anymore.
"Let's go to the beach, Jonghyunnie," Kibum asked his boyfriend with a weak voice, tugging at the older's sleeve.
He turned around to face the younger one, "You sure ?"
Kibum gave him a small nod, the corners of his lips slightly curling upwards, making something bloom inside of Jonghyun.
He wanted to take a picture every time Kibum smiled and keep them safely in an album, because he knew that Kibum was smiling less and less these days.
Well, Kibum wasn't the only one ...
--
They were slowly walking on the beach as the wind tousled their hair.
Their hands were pressed together, fingers intertwined and determined to not let go of each other.
It could be the last time.
Kibum was breathing heavily, his condition worsening and worsening as days passed by at a snail's pace.
They couldn't care less at how slow time was, as long as they were together they were fine with it.
Although they were both scared, not knowing what the next day will bring them, they tried to be strong in each other's presence. Patiently waiting for the other to break down. Patiently waiting for time to pass by.
Patiently waiting for Kibum's heart to collapse entirely.
Jonghyun was holding their shoes in his right hand as they slowly approached the water, making them both shudder at how cold it felt between their toes.
Kibum slowly closed his eyes, trying to make the moment last a little longer because he knew he was going to miss this. He was going to miss the beach, the wind in his hair, the fresh air, their intertwined hands, the feeling of cold water on his skin ... He didn't want to leave this world yet. He wanted to stay.
Why must faith be so cruel.
--
Kibum's condition was getting worse and worse, to the point he didn't want to go to the beach anymore.
Jonghyun didn't understand.
Kibum loved the beach, he'd even skip class to just feel the cold water slip through his slim fingers and to feel the warm sand beneath his feet.
"Don't you want to go to the beach anymore, Kibummie ?"
The boy shook his head weakly, a little baby blue blanket on his lap as he sat on the floor and stared out the window.
He was only wearing his boxer shorts and a white tank top, not even bothering to put on some decent clothes.
Jonghyun decided not to say something about it, he just wanted to make his little boyfriend feel better.
But how could you make somebody feel better who was going to die ?
He was only wearing his boxer shorts and a white tank top, not even bothering to put on some decent clothes.
Jonghyun decided not to say something about it, he just wanted to make his little boyfriend feel better.
But how could you make somebody feel better who was going to die ?
I can't live knowing that he doesn't love me anymore.
A couple of months later, Kibum and Jonghyun were at the beach again.
Kibum refused to go in a wheel chair so the eldest decided to carry him on his back all the way there.
When they arrived, he made Kibum gently slide off his back and let him feel the soft sand beneath his feet.
As usual, the younger sighed in pure bliss and took a few unsteady steps, closing his eyes in satisfaction at the feeling of a soft breeze going through his hair, slightly tousling the brown locks.
Jonghyun was beyong excited to be here with his boyfriend again and immediately made his way to the water but when he turned around, he saw Kibum still standing there. He looked helpless and weak.
Jonghyun missed the time where the youngest would skip over to him and splash water in his face, going back home with drenched clothes and goofy smiles on their faces.
He slowly made his way to the boy who still had his eyes closed and gently wrapped his arms around the small waist, trying not to squeeze the frail body knowing how easily it bruises.
"Jonghyunnie ...." a soft whisper made its way to the older one's ears, the soft voice caressing his eardrums as if it was the most beautiful sound he ever heard.
"You'll always hold my heart .... no matter how ill it is ...."
at the end,
he was literally holding my heart.
he was literally holding my heart.
Kibum was yelling and screaming, despite him having a weak heart, when he received a letter from the hospital that maybe they could help him. They said that they could replace his ill heart with a healthy one.
Jonghyun smiled at seeing his boyfriend so happy. It was the first time months that he's seen him smile so sincerely.
But, Kibum felt that there was something wrong with Jonghyun. He didn't dare to ask what had been bothering him because he didn't want to destroy the happy mood. But he was dead certain that there was something wrong.
There wasn't something wrong, no. There was something terribly wrong.
How could I've been so oblivious ?
How come I didn't notice ?
It's all my fault.
How come I didn't notice ?
It's all my fault.
When Kibum woke up in the hospital after the surgery, he immediately sought for his boyfriend.
He was still weak, but everything was going to be alright and he had his old life back. He couldn't be any more happy.
In fact, he was so happy, he didn't know what to do with life anymore. He just wanted to look forward to the future and be happy with Jonghyun because really, his illness only made their relationship stronger.
His smile dropped a little when he couldn't find Jonghyun next to his bed, and was only met with a letter on the little table next to the hospital bed.
His eyes scanned the piece of paper, recognising the sloppy penmanship like no other which made the corners of his mouth curl up in pure delight.
~*~
Hey Kibummie,
I can't believe you're awake and healthy.
Baby, you don't know how happy I am, really.
The doctors told me that nobody was allowed to visit you the next couple of days because you're really weak at the moment, so ...
I feel bad for not being able to spend this moment with you, because only the thought of having the feeling of losing you again drives me insane.
Please wait for me, I'll be back soon.
I love you so much sweetie ♥ Please stay safe ♥
~*~
He said that the thought of having the feeling of losing me again drives him insane.
Now I lost him.
and now I think I'm the one going insane.
Now I lost him.
and now I think I'm the one going insane.
Ever since they came back from the hospital the only emotion Kibum saw in his boyfriend's eyes was anxiety.
He smiled from time to time, because Kibum knew he was happy that he survived his heart disease but there was something that Jonghyun was hiding from him and he didn't like it a single bit.
Though, when he tried to ask him what's wrong, Jonghyun would just kindly smile at him and tell him that everything was alright. But Kibum knew better.
Jonghyun wasn't alright.
Jonghyun looked pale.
Jonghyun looked broken.
Jonghyun looked like Kibum when he was ill.
I'm a monster.
"Come on Jonghyunnie, let's go !" Kibum chirped, impatiently tugging at the elder's sleeve.
"Arasso, arasso," Jonghyun chuckled, wrapping a thick woolen scarf around his neck, much to Kibum's surprise since it wasn't even cold outside, and tangling his fingers with the slim ones of Kibum.
They walked slowly, although Kibum was overexcited and wanted nothing more than just run through the sand on his bare feet and drop himself in the water.
He let out a little huff, making his boyfriend laugh lowly, "Just go,"
He joyfully ran away from Jonghyun and jumped in the water. He kind of reminded Jonghyun of a little boy who'd jump in puddles on a rainy day, not caring if his clothes were going to be dirty when he'd return home.
The elder didn't bother to approach the water, he was too tired and decided to just watch how Kibum was happily playing on his own. That is until the younger one turned around and spotted him staring.
Jonghyun felt weak, vulnerable and helpless.
But he promised himself that he'd sacrifice everything for his Kibummie.
Everything.
He was always the one taking care of me.
It was never the other way around.
I wish it was though.
Maybe if we would've switched the roles from time to time,
he'd still be with me.
Hell.
That was the only word Kibum could label his life with when he found Jonghyun a couple of weeks later, passed out on the kitchen table.
There was a letter underneath him, but Kibum didn't dare to look at it.
He was too afraid and wasn't ready to face reality. He didn't want to know the answers yet, he just wanted his Jonghyunnie to be safe and healthy again.
How come he never noted it ? He did. He did notice that there was something wrong but he never thought that there was something terribly wrong.
After all, Jonghyun kept telling him that everything was alright, and he was always smiling.
It was just that the emotions in his eyes told otherwise.
It's all my fault
"I'm sorry Mister Kim ..." were the four words that changed everything in Kibum's life.
Jonghyun was dead.
Nothing was every going to be the same again and nothing was every going to be okay.
How could Jonghyun tell him from the very first day when the doctors told him he wasn't going to survive, that everything was going to be okay.
How could he.
Nothing was okay. Nothing.
I'm going to kill myself.
and I'm going to kill Jonghyun
again.
As soon as the doctors left him crying alone in the waiting area, Kibum unfolded the letter Jonghyun had written him.
~*~
I'm so sorry Kibum.
I'm so so sorry ...
I didn't want to make you worried, I didn't want to make you sad now that you were so happy.
I would be a terrible boyfriend if I'd make you sad, right ?
I love you so much, and I'll never ever forget you.
You have my heart. You'll always, always have my heart.
I love you. ♥
~*~
Kibum's body stiffened as he scanned the paper over and over again.
This was reality.
This was real.
Jonghyun wasn't with him anymore.
Jonghyun was gone.
He tightly closed his eyes, but the tears still managed to slip through the slits.
he'd rather have an ill heart than a heart with a fracture.
His heart was shattered.
and this time, Jonghyun wasn't there to repare it.
He never felt like this ever before, not even when the doctors told him he'd only had a couple of months to live.
Because Jonghyun was still there to support him. and now, Jonghyun was gone.
He had no one.
Everything and everybody had left him.
His own heart had left him. He had to get rid of his own freaking heart.
His soul had left him.
His Jonghyun had left him.
Kibum felt worthless.
umma, appa,
I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.
I just can't live like this anymore.
I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.
I just can't live like this anymore.
He slowly opened his eyes again, giving the letter one last look before realising something
~*~
You have my heart. You'll always, always have my heart
~*~
He clutched his hand over his mouth to mute the loud gasp that escaped his lips, but failed as he broke down in heavy sobs, grabbing his chest with tears uncontrollably rolling down his wet cheeks.
He pulled himself together and stumbled to Jonghyun's room, his vision was blurred because of the tears that were still pouring down his cheeks as slammed open the door, coming face to face with people clad in white coats and a bed where his boyfriend was lying. He realized nothing will be more painful than the sight of the dead body of the one you love the most.
"G-give me h-his f-file," The boy managed to utter calmly, shakily stretching out his arm, demanding whoever was in charge of the data of the patients to give him his boyfriend's file.
One of the men in white coats let out a sigh, "I'm sorry Mister Kim, but we can't do that. It's against the rules," He began, "We cannot violate the privacy of our patients," He added, taking a step forward to calm the young boy down, because he was obviously losing his mind.
"Give m-me the damn file !" Kibum insisted, fresh tears making his way down his rosy cheeks. He was trembling on his legs, desperate for answers.
Now reality had hit him, he wanted to know everything. He wanted to have all the answers to the questions that he had stored inside his head these past months.
Why me ?
Why Jonghyun ?
Why us ?
How ?
When ?
The doctor sighed again, motioning for the two nurses, who were also inside to room, to get the security.
Kibum noticed and saw the file in one of the nurse's hands. He grabbed her by the arm and yanked the papers out of her hands, making her shriek in surprise.
The only thing he heard were someone shouting "security !" and people running down the hallway, until he found a paper stating :
DATE OF LAST HOSPITALIZATION : Sept. 17th, 2010
The same date Kibum had undergone his heart surgery.
~*~
Everything went blank and the world stopped spinning for a second.
It was as if the papers he dropped onto the floor, were floating down in slow-motion, scattering onto the tiles in an even slower pace.
I have Jonghyun's heart .
I literally ... have Jonghyun's heart.
Once that dawned on him, time suddenly accelerated and got back to normal, making it even more difficult for him to think rational.
That means Jonghyun has my heart ....
...
I killed Jonghyun ?
I can't accept it. I never will.
Someone grabbed Kibum from behind, grabbing his arms and twisting them behind his back.
He didn't even notice how even more tears were making their way down his face, silently dropping onto his dead boyfriend's files.
"J-Jongie h-h-as m-my hea-heart ?" He whispered, looking blankly at the doctor who clearly was contemplating whether or not he should pick up the important papers which were discarded on the floor.
"J-jonghy-hyun g-gave m-me hi-his ... h-heart ... ?" He asked in a high pitched voice, the last word coming out as an almost inaudible squeak.
He was surprisingly calm for someone who just realized his own boyfriend gave him his heart, and he felt the security guy loosen his grip on his arms.
He gently wriggled out of his grip, his arms now lifelessly dangling next to his body.
No words nor actions could describe what he was feeling.
Kim Kibum is a murderer.
"I-I k-killed hi-him ?" He began, staring at the lifeless body of his boyfriend that was still lying on the hospital bed.
"I ki-killed hi-him ?" He repeated, a bit louder this time, slowly turning his attention to the nurses and the doctor who were sympathetically watching him.
The doctor decided to approach him and placed his hands cautiously on Kibum's shoulders, shaking his head while a sad smile graced the man's lips.
"No, no, of course not ..." He stated softly, "Jonghyun-ssi wanted this,"
Kibum stared at him with wide eyes, his tear stained cheeks burning and his head pounding like it was going to burst.
He began to shake his head, "No ...." He whispered, "No no no ..." He repeated over and over again, "No ... no no no no no !!!!"
The worst part was that the heart inside of his body was beating like crazy, and he didn't even know if it was because he was freaking out or because Jonghyun was nervous.
It was Jonghyun's heart after all.
~*~
Is that you, Jjongie ? Can you hear me ?
Why are you beating so fast ? Slow down, I don't want you to get hurt !
~*~
"No !!!!!!!!" He screamed, the grip on his shoulders tightening.
He raised his hands, his hair and harshly pulling at the roots.
This isn't possible. This can't be possible.
"Change them back !!!! Now ! Give me back my heart !!!" He yelled hysterically at the doctor who took a few steps back, the security guy again twisting his arms behind his back.
"Why did you do it ?! Why ?!" He sobbed, looking at Jonghyun's body despite his tears blurring his vision to the point he was practically blind.
"Change them back ! Now !!!!" He shouted at whoever was able to switch their hearts back. Why was Jonghyun beating so hard ? Stop it !
He managed to wriggle one arm free and harshly pounded on his chest, scratching at the fabric of his shirt that was stained with tears by now, and kicking at the guy behind him.
"I killed him !!!!!!!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, the heartbroken sounds that escaped his body scaring off the nurses who were still in the room.
"I killed him !!" He repeated, "I ing killed him ..." He choked on his own sobs, air filling his lungs as he took a deep breath, throat burning so hard that he could swear it was on fire.
"I don't deserve this !" He cried, his irrational attempts of scratching Jonghyun's heart out of his body weakening as another security guy helped him to calm down. "I don't ing deserve his heart ..." He said, the sobs escaping his lips making it hard for him to breathe, Jonghyun's heart going faster and faster and faster ...
He took one last look at Jonghyun's dead body before the security could pull him out of the room.
"I killed him ..."
--
Jonghyun turned into stone.
The heart he was carrying was as hard as a rock and Kibum couldn't bear with it anymore.
He couldn't bear living, knowing that the one he loved the most hated him.
He just couldn't.
Dear umma, dear appa,
this is Kibum and Jonghyun,
this is going to be our goodbye.
I'm going to kill Jonghyun again,
in order to kill myself.
I'm a murderer for sure.
It doesn't matter though, he doesn't love me anymore ...
this is Kibum and Jonghyun,
this is going to be our goodbye.
I'm going to kill Jonghyun again,
in order to kill myself.
I'm a murderer for sure.
It doesn't matter though, he doesn't love me anymore ...
It only took a kitchen knife, the letter he had written to his parents and Jonghyun's heart.
Nobody was going to stop him, not even those annoying little voices inside his head.
He grabbed the knife, looking at it as if it had been waiting for him all his life.
"I'm so sorry, Jjongie," He whispered softly, "but I just don't deserve you ..."
He stabbed the knife right through Jonghyun, immediately coughing out blood as he did so and supported himself on the kitchen counter.
Deeper, I have to cut you out.
He pushed the knife deeper inside his body, making circular motions, desperately trying to cut the heart out.
Tears penetrated his eyes, but he refused them to fall down. He had cried enough.
Blood was gliding down from the corners of his mouth, making their way down to his chin, dropping onto the floor where they created a dark, red puddle of blood. He looked down to the knife that was almost entirely in his body, watching how his supposed-to-be-blue shirt was slowly turning red and was soon drenched in the red substance that was his own blood.
He slowly lifted up a corner of his mouth as he noticed how Jonghyun was weakening and weakening, the beating getting slower and slower and slower to the point he swore he couldn't even feel it anymore.
He didn't know if he killed Jonghyun or that he just didn't feel him anymore because of the unbearable pain he was causing himself.
He held his breath, pushing the knife deeper in his chest and rising his head, staring at the ceiling as if it was going to crash down and bury him under it so that nobody was going to find back his body.
The little voices in his head were shouting at him. "Stop it !" and "You're being ridiculous !"
They were getting louder and louder, they were so loud that at one point he swore he could hear Jonghyun's voice.
"Kibummie ..."
No ! You're supposed to be dead !
"Bummie, please ..."
Go away ...
"Don't do this ..."
Please ... Please go away ....
The voices didn't stop, and at the end he just couldn't hold his tears anymore and freed them. Cry. Cry now. Cry hard.
He pulled the knife out of his body with a loud gasp, hoping Jonghyun would be dead by now. He let himself drop into the big puddle of blood that was dispersed over the kitchen floor and sobbed softly, lungs burning and screaming for air as he was floating between reality and fantasy. Die die die die die, please oh please just die ...
He chest clenched and his hands shot to the wound, hands red as the red liquid slipped through his fingers and beneath his nails.
and then .......
nothing.
--
and that's how I killed my boyfriend twice.
Yours truly,
Kibum.
A/N : subscribe here for more stories (I actually only write fluff lmfao)
Comments